To think he's been unfaithful

[loopy42]

For background myself and DP have been together for almost 11 years and have 1 DD8 together.

I have always trusted him completely. I was unfaithful 6 years ago but we agreed we wanted to stay together, had counselling and built the trust back. We have been extremely happy since.

In October he went away on a boys weekend, we haven't been intimate since he came back despite me trying to initiate it. It's very out of the norm for us.

I've been talking about wanting to TTC baby number 2 for a few years now and he's been very against it. Well 2 weeks ago he just agreed to it totally out of the blue.

It's been playing on my mind ever since that he may have said yes out of guilt.

It finally got too much for me at the weekend and I asked him outright if he had been unfaithful whilst away, of course he said no way he wouldn't want to risk his family blah blah. I left it although I was still not convinced.

Fast forward to this morning and I know I shouldn't have before I get bashed for it but I went through his phone, no secret messages, phone calls or photos. But on his google search history he has asked how long it takes an STI to show symptoms.

AIBU to put all this together and assume he has been unfaithful after all or am I putting 2+2 together and getting 5?

@Justaboy that is grim, unfortunately it doesn't surprise me.

Feeling rather numb at the moment about it all and fully expecting a confession to much more in the next few days.

He has said he will leave as I deserve better, but not sure that's what I want.

He has said he will leave as I deserve better, but not sure that's what I want

Seriously, what DO you want? Let's look at this very unemotionally.

You were 19 when you got together with this bloke and had not long given birth to two kids of your own. He was 23 and had already fathered one child at the age of 17 and had not long fathered another. A couple of years in, you have another one between you.

So, you were both in your mid-20s, with five kids between you. That's a LOT for anyone but a helluva lot at that age, even if they didn't all live together.

Two years after you had that child, you cheated on him. You don't do that in a happy relationship, so what was the cause? He then had a tit-for-tat one night stand to get back at you. That's what teenagers do, not grown adults.

Somehow, you work through all that and keep going and recently decide you want another child together (meaning six between the two of you) even though you may not see some of your existing children very often and one of them has depression.

Your bloke has cheated on you - this time not in some sort of revenge scenario.

This is NOT a healthy relationship in any way shape or form. You don't think you want him to leave but what DO you want? You want to carry on as before? Bring another child into this total farce?

My suggestion would be for the pair of you to stop behaving as you did when you were teenagers to start with. Either commit properly to each other and to parenting your existing children without bringing another poor sod into this mess or separate and try to co-parent reasonably.

If you separate DO NOT get with another bloke immediately. Spend a great deal of time single, which clearly you have never, ever done, and focus on your kids for a few years. No doubt if you do separate he'll go off and knock out another few kids and presumably not pay decent maintenance for any of them.

yep, first admission is most likely a minimal admission, but he could very well just stick to this as you have no other way of finding out anything different, unless you know anyone else there who would have told their partner... And they'd tell you... I'd never rely on the full truth about this kind of thing from my h nowadays. Would he tell more under threat of a lie detector test?

Bluntness100
God here we go, the man is always cheating on mumsnet,

Interestingly, I posted concerns years ago under a different username. The consensus was that he had cheated, but I wasn't convinced. Had confirmation from the OW slag last year that he had indeed been up to no good. For months. Mumsnet was right.

Dangly

You wouldn't ask that if it was a man asking. It's completely not relevant to this post

Op, hope you're okay. No advice but it really does sound like your relationship is troubled

Usually when people say I'll leave because you deserve better its because they want to leave, or he's trying to guilt you into letting him stay. Yes, you do deserve better. But he didn't care about any of that when he was getting his kicks. Let him leave for a few days while you think about what you want. But personally it would be it for me. Not only did he do it in the first place but he lied to you and hid it and I suspect has only told you part truths.

So you’ve cheated
His cheated

Can’t really take the moral high ground on this one can you. You’ve both been unfaithful, for Christ sake don’t bring another child in to this realtionship

I’m sorry that your suspicions were right. What do you want to do?

5 dollars says within the week he will admit to full sex with a product.

I'm so sorry OP

Prostitute *

Yes I think he has had a one night stand or seen a prostitute (sorry, I know it happens a lot on 'lad's breaks' from reading sex worker blogs). The sudden change about a baby, the refusal to have sex and googling still checks all together - I don't really see what else it could be

I'd have one final attempt at asking him if you make it clear the consequences of confessing will be better than the consequences of lying - since you know anyway I think you will have to assume he had cheated and then lied. Sorry

Only other thing I can think of is he thinks you may have cheated and is worried about it. And may want a baby to try and make you stay. But since you confessed the first time, I think it's less likely

Oops cross posted and seen your update. Sorry OP

Still thinking about the bloke not really wanting his 'revenge shag' but being encouraged to have it by OP.
Just to even the score?! FFS!!

Sorry but your relationship sounds dead 💐

Can you get an sti from oral from a woman
I think there's more to it, I'm sorry op
And yes you can do better, so much better x

How was he encouraged to do so? How strange.

So sorry op