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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to live in OH home town?

97 replies

AuntieAunt · 08/01/2019 21:17

For a little background we're both in our mid twenties and we've been together (long distance) for around a year now. I live in my own place around 20 minutes away from my home town but lived in various places around the UK - I only really came back home due to work whereas he has never lived anywhere part from with his parents in the same town around 2 hours away.

My OH has mentioned/hinted that this year he would really like us to move in together. However I know in his heart that he doesn't want to live anywhere that isn't his home town, he has never said this but it's clear. I understand he doesn't want to leave his sports team that he's played in since he was a teen with all of his best friends, also he supports the local team which he watches all the live games. Apart from a couple of his friends who went to uni all of his friends have stayed in his town and his family all live in a 5 miles radius. He has around a 10 minute drive to work so his evenings are spent with family and friends, if I was to move there it would make his life perfect (his words).

But, I really don't like the area he lives in, the local high street is essentially phone shops and discounted stores. There's not much in the lines of places to drink or eat and the town is basically a huge collection of estates (have to drive to get anywhere including the countryside). I've mentioned that nearby is a major city which is fun but he wants somewhere with a garage and a garden so we might as well live in his home town and we could commute into the city for evenings out (£60 taxi each way which rules out just popping in for a couple of drinks).

I moved into my own place around the time we met and it's a really nice place. There's plenty to do, eat, drink with great transport links literally on my door step. I also live alone verses with his parents but he doesn't even want to spend time here. I tried giving him keys to my flat but he didn't see the point or he'd prefer to be at his (in his room where we sit like teenagers whereas we can actually adult in my place).

I honestly don't want to live in his town as I just don't see anything there for me. Maybe if I had kids/dog/a few cars and needed to live in the suburbs but even then I wouldn't see me bringing up a family there.

I've mentioned to him before about us both starting fresh in a city we both love - it's affordable, bustling with things to do and is generally a great place but I just get a muted 'maybe'. He's said a couple of times this year already how he wants us to live together and he's mentioned he's been looking at places to buy but he goes quiet when I ask where they are. He doesn't have the money for a full despot by himself while I do, he has said there's no way he wants to move out by himself and he feels renting is a waste of money (he can't afford to rent and save for a deposit).

I didn't realise until recently that I really didn't want to live in his home town until he mentioned that I like everywhere else we visit in the UK apart from said town.

Maybe I could slightly adjust to renting temporarily if I knew we were going to go somewhere else but I can't even explain the feeling of moving there permanently. I'm not asking necessarily if i'm being BU but more what would you do?

OP posts:

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 08/01/2019 21:26

It sounds like he doesn’t want to grow up.

I come from a small town where everyone knows each other and each other’s business and if you haven’t gone to university then you don’t ever move away. I’m sure it’s nice to have everyone around you all the time as it’s confortable and easy. But it doesn’t mean you have to join him. I don’t think you’ll change his mind.

halfwitpicker · 08/01/2019 21:30

I'd say no

MsVestibule · 08/01/2019 21:31

I'd end the relationship. You're just not compatible in the long term. He doesn't want to move away from what he knows (nothing wrong with that) and you're only in your mid-20s and want more excitement. How can this work? I don't see where you can compromise.

NameChangeNugget · 08/01/2019 21:32

Just say no. Live separately. If it’s that important to him, he’ll compromise

pesquisa · 08/01/2019 21:33

I wouldn't do it. I think you also need to consider your long term compatibility. You sound like you want new challenges and experiences from life, whereas he sounds very resistant to change.

It's far harder to end and leave a relationship once you live together (even if it is just renting, as most rent contracts are for at least 6 months, and usually for a year).

Mummyshark2018 · 08/01/2019 21:35

I would say no. Neither of you are being unreasonable, you just want different things.

TulipsInbloom1 · 08/01/2019 21:36

I only moved 0.3miles from my childhood family home. So I certainly can't comment on that.
However the way he has acted about your place and sitting in his room like teenagers, plus the fact he hasn't lived on his own would be HUGE red flags for me.

No way is this manchild going to be 50/50 in a houseshare. You will be doing all the relocating. You will end up clearing up after him. You will end up sorting bills etc.

Don't do it.

Singlenotsingle · 08/01/2019 21:37

Surely there must be some nice towns or villages within say, ten miles of where he lives? With good buses or trains so that he can go and visit easily?
Does he work?
Can he drive?
All things to take into account..

RandomMess · 08/01/2019 21:38

He doesn't seem willing to compromise or become an adult...

Yulebealrite · 08/01/2019 21:39

Perhaps rent your place out for 6 months and persuade him to rent for 6 months as a trial?

PersonaNonGarter · 08/01/2019 21:43

Sorry, OP, but it isn’t meant to be.

You are open to life and new things and hoping to forge a world together as a couple. That is not how he sees things. He wants you to fit into his world as he sees it with his friends and family and very little change or new experience.

Neither of you are wrong. You will both be unhappy if you pursue this. Split up and go travelling for a bit.

Littlelambpeep · 08/01/2019 21:50

I wouldn't move there temporarily in the hope he will change his mind. Also the next time he drops hints about houses he looked at or whatever- be really clear and dont lead him on 'i don't want to live in x town but we could compromise and live in y'

When I married dh he moved in with me and I continued to pay the mortgage etc he never contributed and spent weekends at home. I don't know how I stayed with him and I resented him so much (he worked away so didn't live together before he transferred after wedding)

I wish I had insisted living together or sorting things out. Dont be like me

HeddaGarbled · 08/01/2019 21:58

A man I know told me that when he was young, he expected his girlfriends to walk beside him along the path he had chosen. When he fell in love properly, he realised that he needed to compromise so that she would be happy and that they should choose the path they walked together.

I also know a couple where the man (not the same one as above), was very like your partner, right down to the football team and old school friends. When his wife eventually left him and moved into her own flat in a town she’d always wanted to live in, he said he’d move anywhere to save the marriage, but it was too late - she’d had enough of him.

Bubs101 · 08/01/2019 21:59

Why don't you come to a compramise, maybe moving 20/30 or so minutes away to a nicer area or soemwhere you both like, people commute to work for hours each day so im sure a 20 odd minute drive to maintain his sports networks and friendships is not much to ask for. If he isn't willing to do that for the sake of the relationship its a bit of a red flag.

My other concern for you is I fear you might carry a lot of the mental load in this relationship, based of my experinences, if he's still at home i can imagine his parents doing a lot for him (cooking, food shopping, cleaning). Can you really be bothered teaching a grown man how to do these things, or even worse risk doing it all, as his parents might not have. Just food for thought.

TheCraicDealer · 08/01/2019 22:02

I understand he doesn't want to leave his sports team that he's played in since he was a teen with all of his best friends, also he supports the local team which he watches all the live games. Apart from a couple of his friends who went to uni all of his friends have stayed in his town and his family all live in a 5 miles radius. He has around a 10 minute drive to work so his evenings are spent with family and friends

But if you move to other mutually-ok city he could still do all those things. If it's a £60 taxi then it's what, a 45 minute drive? It's not actually that much of a wrench. These are the kind of compromises adults have to make all the time. If he wants to only stay in his hometown his whole life then he should break up with you and set his radius on tinder to like, 50 feet.

You know if you cave he'll NEVER let the pair of you leave the town and you'll have to live there as long as you're together. I'd tell him if he wants to buy a house that's great, but I'm not willing to buy in hometown- end of. Look at towns/villages which appeal to you in and around hometown and suggest them. If he keeps being meh about them you know what to do.

HeddaGarbled · 08/01/2019 22:06

Also, if he needs money from you for a deposit, he is seriously taking the piss if he expects to choose the location when he knows how you feel about it.

I think you need to put your cards on the table. “I don’t want to live in xxxx” and repeat.

Ginpasta · 08/01/2019 22:12

I think I'd definitely be considering ending this relationship. It sounds like you both want different things. You obviously wouldn't be happy living in his home town and he clearly doesn't want to move so which ever one of you compromises is likely to end up miserable and resent the other one. Good luck xx

cheesenpickles · 08/01/2019 22:20

Eek. This would be a dealbreaker for me. It sounds like he's not willing to compromise at all. Why should you have to give up all the things you love while he gets to keep everything he wants.

Even if you suck it up and stomach it now, resentment will grow on your part. I would hold off, maybe look at staying in his place for a longer period (week or so) and vice versa (he stay with you). You'll be able to see how it is and ultimately make that call.

I married my dh and we can poke our head out the front door and see his df's house where he was brought home from the hospital to and where he moved from into our house. It took me time to love the city but I really do now.

Leeds2 · 08/01/2019 22:22

I wouldn't move to his home town, as you clearly don't like it and, once there, you will never get him to leave. You will also be expected to fit in with how he runs his life, ie join in with what he wants to do or do what you want to do by yourself.
I would also be concerned about paying a deposit on a place for you both to live. If you do this, make sure your investment is protected.

ecuse · 08/01/2019 22:26

Neither of you is in the wrong here, but it sounds like you're just not compatible. It's not just about where you live, it's about how you want your life to be.

Honeyroar · 08/01/2019 22:28

I was you once upon a time. I moved to his town. I was lonely, bored, didn't make many friends as I worked away. I was miserable. I spent 4 years there. It caused cracks, that I didn't notice. Just before our wedding I discovered he was having an affair. We split up and he married her. A small town girl from his small town that was just as happy as he was to never move away and spend their life in that small town. I moved somewhere I wanted to live, licked my wounds and met my husband, who suits me much more. I wish I'd thought more before I moved.

Honeyroar · 08/01/2019 22:29

Ps, there is nothing wrong with wanting to stay in your home town by the way.

coconutwheel · 08/01/2019 22:29

I agree with PPs who say this is a big compatibility issue long term. I know loads of people who stayed and married local whereas I couldn’t wait to get out of my hometown. I still love visiting but I wanted a different experience from life. Sounds like you do too OP. Good luck to you

Jorgezaunders · 08/01/2019 22:35

I would never move in with a man who had never lived on his own. Enormous man-child red flag.

cadburyegg · 08/01/2019 22:37

I dated someone like this, except he lived in a village and wanted to stay in that village, close to his family, playing in the football team, etc etc. I grew up in the city and didn’t want to live “in the sticks”, although I would have been open to moving elsewhere due to work. But he wanted me to fit in with his little life. I had to take second place to everything - he once told me he didn’t want to make plans with me in case his friends wanted to see him at short notice because “my friends are important”. We could never see each other on a Saturday because that was HIS night with his friends. You get the idea.

We broke up and 10+ years on.... I do now live in a village BUT the difference is it’s with a person who is open to change, compromise, and being somewhere that suits both of us.

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