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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to live in OH home town?

97 replies

AuntieAunt · 08/01/2019 21:17

For a little background we're both in our mid twenties and we've been together (long distance) for around a year now. I live in my own place around 20 minutes away from my home town but lived in various places around the UK - I only really came back home due to work whereas he has never lived anywhere part from with his parents in the same town around 2 hours away.

My OH has mentioned/hinted that this year he would really like us to move in together. However I know in his heart that he doesn't want to live anywhere that isn't his home town, he has never said this but it's clear. I understand he doesn't want to leave his sports team that he's played in since he was a teen with all of his best friends, also he supports the local team which he watches all the live games. Apart from a couple of his friends who went to uni all of his friends have stayed in his town and his family all live in a 5 miles radius. He has around a 10 minute drive to work so his evenings are spent with family and friends, if I was to move there it would make his life perfect (his words).

But, I really don't like the area he lives in, the local high street is essentially phone shops and discounted stores. There's not much in the lines of places to drink or eat and the town is basically a huge collection of estates (have to drive to get anywhere including the countryside). I've mentioned that nearby is a major city which is fun but he wants somewhere with a garage and a garden so we might as well live in his home town and we could commute into the city for evenings out (£60 taxi each way which rules out just popping in for a couple of drinks).

I moved into my own place around the time we met and it's a really nice place. There's plenty to do, eat, drink with great transport links literally on my door step. I also live alone verses with his parents but he doesn't even want to spend time here. I tried giving him keys to my flat but he didn't see the point or he'd prefer to be at his (in his room where we sit like teenagers whereas we can actually adult in my place).

I honestly don't want to live in his town as I just don't see anything there for me. Maybe if I had kids/dog/a few cars and needed to live in the suburbs but even then I wouldn't see me bringing up a family there.

I've mentioned to him before about us both starting fresh in a city we both love - it's affordable, bustling with things to do and is generally a great place but I just get a muted 'maybe'. He's said a couple of times this year already how he wants us to live together and he's mentioned he's been looking at places to buy but he goes quiet when I ask where they are. He doesn't have the money for a full despot by himself while I do, he has said there's no way he wants to move out by himself and he feels renting is a waste of money (he can't afford to rent and save for a deposit).

I didn't realise until recently that I really didn't want to live in his home town until he mentioned that I like everywhere else we visit in the UK apart from said town.

Maybe I could slightly adjust to renting temporarily if I knew we were going to go somewhere else but I can't even explain the feeling of moving there permanently. I'm not asking necessarily if i'm being BU but more what would you do?

OP posts:
MsFrosty · 08/01/2019 22:42

You need to stop wasting your time. If you move to his town you will resent him and if he moves to you he will throw it in your face whenever anything goes wrong.

ChinkChink · 08/01/2019 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Wrong thread

TraineeCrone · 08/01/2019 22:46

So does he ever visit you or is it all one way?And he said he would never live on his own?
I think it is time for you to move on and spread your wings.

ChinkChink · 08/01/2019 22:48

Sorry - wrong thread.

NancyJoan · 08/01/2019 22:49

This sounds like a non starter. You both want different things. Nothing wrong with what either of you are looking for, but they don’t match up.

Purpleartichoke · 08/01/2019 23:17

There is nothing wrong with wanting a suburban life. Having access to nights out drinking might be your idea of fun, but it isn’t everyone’s. I did the city thing and hated it. My DH got dragged with me to the city for 2 years for my job. He was so happy when circumstances changed and we could move to a proper suburb with garages and big lawns. We love the slower lifestyle. For us, being able to walk to a bar or restaurant does not make up for the hassles of city life.

The two of you need to really think about what kind of life you plan to have. What kind of place you want to raise kids. Your OP makes it sound like you actually want very different things. If that is true, you need to end it now.

MadeForThis · 08/01/2019 23:23

I'm back in my hometown. Moved here after dd1 was born. Felt like the best place to raise dc.

But I lived in a couple of major cities too. Left home for uni and returned 15 years later.

Sounds like you are both in different places.

You could try to rent somewhere in the city from see if he likes it. But if he has the chance to spend time in your flat, in your city and he still chooses to stay in his parents spare room, it doesn't sound like you can make it work.

Home or away are both valid options. But not compatible. Sorry x

SushiMonster · 08/01/2019 23:45

To be fair, if he has a good circle of friends around him and a nice family - why would he want to leave that and move to ‘a city’ just because?

Loads of people post on here saying how sad and lonely they are they don’t have friends or nearby family.

He’s happy with his life. Leave him to it.

I wouldn’t want to move into that life with him. Doesn’t sound like you do either. So you need to consider if you have long term comparability.

Thewifipasswordis · 08/01/2019 23:56

Is he from Widnes or Skem? Sounds familiar 🤔

Returnofthesmileybar · 09/01/2019 00:11

Not a hope in hell should you consider moving there!! It's not just the small town, it's his small town attitude. Move there and you will never leave and if you do it will be without him!

Equally there is no point in kicking the can down the road, it's time for a serious conversation. If he doesn't want to move then I would walk away now.

I find the fact he would rather the two of you stay in his childhood bedroom rather than alone in your flat weird, it's like a glimpse into your future - the two of you bored and joined to the hip of his home, his parents, his life and you just sitting there bored and wondering why you are there

GabsAlot · 09/01/2019 00:20

youre paying but he gets to decide where-nah

MarchInHappiness · 09/01/2019 00:21

Tbh I would want to end this relationship, better off finishing it now before you move into together and resentment grows.

Sounds like you want different things, he wants to live in his hometown (nothing wrong with that) and you want to live in a more lively town.

cushioncuddle · 09/01/2019 04:47

Does he ever visit you ?

Do you always fit round him ?

How is he going to change his life style when you move in together?

Shoxfordian · 09/01/2019 05:29

He's been looking for places for you to buy where he wants to live; don't be a mug op

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 09/01/2019 05:59

Don't do it! You aren't compatible. Neither of you are wrong, but you are obviously a bit more adventurous than he is. I wouldn't have moved to my husband's home town, and there's no way he would have moved to mine either! But we've had a lot of fun trying out different places until we found somewhere we both love. If settling in his town isn't for you, don't do it, you will be miserable.

brookshelley · 09/01/2019 06:06

I would tell him you're not ready to move in together and in the mean time really ask yourself if you are compatible with each other in the long run.

Wondering how you met if he is so hometown based?

NicolaStart · 09/01/2019 06:46

He will bore you to death!

You can’t jump straight into buying with someone you haven’t lived with, and if he won’t / can’t rent what can you do?

How far is your higher income linked to the fact that you left home, travelled for work (went to Uni?) and what are his career, promotion and future earning prospects like with his stick in the mud approach to life?

You will get pot bound and go mad if you have to live somewhere a £60 taxi journey away from a night out!

How far away from each other do you live now?

SnuggyBuggy · 09/01/2019 06:52

The place sounds like a bit of a shithole, how daft do you have to be to build loads of estates where everyone has to drive to shops?

And yes, although I know this is a very judgy thing to say, I would be very concerned about pairing up with someone who has never lived away from home.

TheProvincialLady · 09/01/2019 06:54

“I will only accept a house with garage and garden” says man who lives with his parents and entertains his girlfriend in his teenage bedroom.

End the relationship now. You’re in your 20s having fun. Don’t commit yourself financially to a man who wants to call the shots, can’t compromise and can’t afford it.

2019Dancerz · 09/01/2019 06:55

Someone in his 20s with no children who wants a house with a garage and garden? Never gonna happen

Cloudsurfing · 09/01/2019 07:05

Someone in his 20s with no children who wants a house with a garage and garden? Never gonna happen

Why not? I had that in my 20’s (which was very recently).

Sounds like you both want different things. There’s nothing wrong with him wanting to stay in his home town, and there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to live somewhere more exciting. But the two aren’t compatable.

2019Dancerz · 09/01/2019 07:08

I didn’t mean he couldn’t get such a thing, I meant the OP and his relationship was doomed as they are such different people with different outlooks. It suits some people to go straight to a replica of their parents’ lives, other try to avoid that (ok out it off for 10-15 years till we have dc and end up doing the same thing)

Isleepinahedgefund · 09/01/2019 07:13

I agree it sounds like there are some really fundamental differences that might not be able to be overcome.

Also, I would be so unimpressed by the man who has all these big ideals, wants this house and that house or nothing, but still lives with his parents and hasn’t put the effort into getting enough saved to get him anywhere near that dream without taking advantage of someone else’s hard work, discipline and ambition.

I live in the middle of a vibrant city. I was born here, I love it. I had a boyfriend who specifically wanted to live in one of a number of the outlying suburbs of this city, which are sufficiently far away from the centre/commuter access as to be job limiting. He felt overwhelmed in the city centre, I felt constrained and frustrated in the suburbs. When it came down to it, I realised that the reason we couldn’t agree or compromise on where to live was that we had fundamental differences that made us incompatible in the long run, and that the where to live thing was a manifestation of this. I am very glad now that neither of us would give in actually!

digbymacbingley · 09/01/2019 07:14

I would worry he doesn’t want to leave his childhood behind. Also, if you do break up in the future his life is there on a plate, what about yours?

Gudgyx · 09/01/2019 07:32

This is all very familiar to me. My DP is from a village (he’s adamant it’s a town but I don’t think it’s anywhere near big enough to be a town, I’ve never actually checked). I’ve tried living there and couldn’t do it. We moved there not long after we had our DD so I was still on maternity leave. The only person I saw for days on end was MIL, because DP worked shifts. It wasn’t even that far, 25 miles away but we were short on cash so I couldn’t afford to put loads of fuel in the car every day. Living there contributed to my maternity leave being the worse 10 months of my life.

It’s a beautiful touristy place. Always events on and tourists come from miles away to participate. But I’d get stared at from locals, wondering who I was and why I was there. You could fall over at one side of the village and the other side would know about it before u got back up. Absolutely beautiful during day light, but at night the natives got out and wrecked the place. Smashed windows, destroyed the football parks etc all magically cleared up the next day and never mentioned. I had no friends, and couldn’t make any because all the girls my rough age knew his ex and didn’t want to be in that position.

Didn’t even last a year. We’re back in my home town now, and both happy with that. I tried his choice and couldn’t do it, he tried mine and doesn’t mind it. All about compromise