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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to live in OH home town?

97 replies

AuntieAunt · 08/01/2019 21:17

For a little background we're both in our mid twenties and we've been together (long distance) for around a year now. I live in my own place around 20 minutes away from my home town but lived in various places around the UK - I only really came back home due to work whereas he has never lived anywhere part from with his parents in the same town around 2 hours away.

My OH has mentioned/hinted that this year he would really like us to move in together. However I know in his heart that he doesn't want to live anywhere that isn't his home town, he has never said this but it's clear. I understand he doesn't want to leave his sports team that he's played in since he was a teen with all of his best friends, also he supports the local team which he watches all the live games. Apart from a couple of his friends who went to uni all of his friends have stayed in his town and his family all live in a 5 miles radius. He has around a 10 minute drive to work so his evenings are spent with family and friends, if I was to move there it would make his life perfect (his words).

But, I really don't like the area he lives in, the local high street is essentially phone shops and discounted stores. There's not much in the lines of places to drink or eat and the town is basically a huge collection of estates (have to drive to get anywhere including the countryside). I've mentioned that nearby is a major city which is fun but he wants somewhere with a garage and a garden so we might as well live in his home town and we could commute into the city for evenings out (£60 taxi each way which rules out just popping in for a couple of drinks).

I moved into my own place around the time we met and it's a really nice place. There's plenty to do, eat, drink with great transport links literally on my door step. I also live alone verses with his parents but he doesn't even want to spend time here. I tried giving him keys to my flat but he didn't see the point or he'd prefer to be at his (in his room where we sit like teenagers whereas we can actually adult in my place).

I honestly don't want to live in his town as I just don't see anything there for me. Maybe if I had kids/dog/a few cars and needed to live in the suburbs but even then I wouldn't see me bringing up a family there.

I've mentioned to him before about us both starting fresh in a city we both love - it's affordable, bustling with things to do and is generally a great place but I just get a muted 'maybe'. He's said a couple of times this year already how he wants us to live together and he's mentioned he's been looking at places to buy but he goes quiet when I ask where they are. He doesn't have the money for a full despot by himself while I do, he has said there's no way he wants to move out by himself and he feels renting is a waste of money (he can't afford to rent and save for a deposit).

I didn't realise until recently that I really didn't want to live in his home town until he mentioned that I like everywhere else we visit in the UK apart from said town.

Maybe I could slightly adjust to renting temporarily if I knew we were going to go somewhere else but I can't even explain the feeling of moving there permanently. I'm not asking necessarily if i'm being BU but more what would you do?

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 09/01/2019 07:39

This is a message from a stranger, suggesting that you want such different things, you are not right for each other. Someone said something similar to me, years ago. I wish it had not taken me so long to work out that how true it was. All the best.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 09/01/2019 07:55

It sounds to me you have irreconcilable differences - sorry. He doesn’t want to move, and you don’t want to live in his home town (quite understandably, I’d say). I notice all the willingness to compromise is on your side and that also doesn’t bode well.

ImaginaryCat · 09/01/2019 08:04

Please don't do this. I have a friend who was on the verge of going travelling when she met her now husband. He was still living with his parents, very similar set up to your bloke. They bought a house down the road from his parents and live there still, sending their children to his old primary school.
He's happy as a pig in poo. She is a simmering pot of resentment waiting to blow.

My biggest red flag about your man is his desire to move straight from mummy and daddy in with you (but still close to m&d). I think any adult who refuses to spend a bit of time living either alone or in an equal house share (i.e. doing their own chores, figuring out who they are as an individual), is going to be the stuff of numerous threads on the Relationships board here further down the line.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 09/01/2019 08:12

Don't do it! If you end up getting pregnant you'll be stuck forever, or if you break up you'll have lost years of your twenties to a place you don't like and a man who won't grow up.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 09/01/2019 08:15

I wouldn't even entertain the idea of buying a place with someone I'd never actually lived with. How have you not laid down the law yet that you don't want to be sitting in his bedroom when you have a whole flat to yourself that the two of you could relax in?!

He sounds unwilling to compromise. I would not stick around hoping for him to change. Sorry.

Butterymuffin · 09/01/2019 08:18

Next time he mentions buying, be straight and say 'I'm only interested in buying in a city, so if that's not what you want we can't plan this together'.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/01/2019 08:25

Speaking from experience I would never move in with someone who had never lived alone unless I could be confident they would contribute to household chores equally.....who does his washing, cooking and cleaning at home? I'd bet money on it being his mum and that's one of the reasons he prefers being there to staying at your flat where he actually has to be an adult.

He's hoping to keep his life exactly as it is with you just slotting in where he has a gap. He will continue exactly as he is now and you'll be sat at home on your own. When you complain he will say that ' he's always been like this' and that 'you knew I did this when we moved in together, why is it a problem now?' making you feel like you're unreasonable when in reality you will have made all of the compromises.

RainbowWaffles · 09/01/2019 08:27

That set up would only ever work if both parties are from the same home town. Then you both live forever near you families, old friends and old haunts etc. If one party is an outside, there is such an inequality that I don’t see how it could possibly work, resentment from the person that moved is inevitable. He is selfish to suggest you go there. As pp has said, if he moves to a nearby city, he can still easily go back to see his friends regularly. If he refuses, then I can’t see how your relationship can progress.

NicolaStart · 09/01/2019 08:31

Why are you paying rent in a nice flat that you love in an area that you love in order to travel to an area that you don’t like to sit in his bed like a teenager?

Even if he is amazing in bed being a closed door away from his Mum and Dad must put the dampers in that potential?

Come on, OP, love your life!

margana · 09/01/2019 09:22

OP please don't move there. I'm about a decade older than you and in my mid twenties I would have totally missed this manchild for the red flag he represents. He will never be your "partner" if all he knows is living with his parents and then with you on his turf but with your financial support. He will be your "project" instead. Please use MN for its fundamental resource - the wisdom of collective experience of posters on this thread - some, if not most of us, are looking at your post and thinking that we could have written that in our mid-twenties and we wish we saw the red flags that we are seeing now.

Btw, I would view this completely differently if you'd said he lives in his home town, a few streets away from his folks, in a house he restored himself over the last 3-5years, is totally self sufficient and is suggesting that you trial moving in with him for 3-6 months and then review. Now that's more renaissance man rather than red flag man material, so that situation would need far more thought before ruling out his home town per se. However, that's not what you're saying and you're clearly doubting your future with him when asking what would others do in your situation.

I would plainly say that I'm not moving to xxxx but these are the places I'd consider as my options for house buying. If he's not genuinely prepared to consider any of them, then it's time to part ways and find someone more compatible.

regmover · 09/01/2019 09:29

I think it's strange that he's not even interested in staying over at your place sometimes, but prefers you both having to lurk in his bedroom like 14 year olds.
Can only agree with what pretty much everyone has said above. I also don't think you are a good match long term in terms of what you enjoy doing and how you live your lives. I also think he's showing himself to be very childish when he talks about looking at properties, but then won't say where. Clearly he's hoping to forge ahead with his wishes, with you helping to bankroll the project.
Sadly I think you need to walk away. If it's meant to be you'll get back together because it will be the wake up he needs to realise it's time to grow up and be part of a true partnership because he loves you. Unfortunately I can't see that happening can you?

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 09/01/2019 09:34

I would worry that he would go from living like a teenager at his parents to living with a teenager with you.

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 09/01/2019 09:34

*like a teenager, I mean.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 09/01/2019 11:23

@margana speaks wisdom! Wish I'd listened to similarly good advice in my early twenties...

Beebee8 · 09/01/2019 11:41

All these people bashing living with parents until you buy a place and how that would make a man a 'manchild'... utterly bewildering!

But yes OP this isn't a location issue it's a compatibility issue

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/01/2019 11:46

Beebee many of us are speaking from experience though.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/01/2019 11:47

I think spending some time living away from home is important for a person's development and maturity.

Beebee8 · 09/01/2019 11:52

Blaa ok, I find that amongst others around my age (29) this is completely normal and speaks nothing about someone's maturity level or development (snuggy) it's what makes most sense financially!

Beebee8 · 09/01/2019 11:53

Sorry for tagging fail

FleeceDetective · 09/01/2019 11:55

Have you posted about this before op? I can remember reading the exact same scenario.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/01/2019 11:55

I get that it makes sense financially, I spent several years living with my parents to save for a deposit. I just think that living in the same little area all your life seems so limiting. I can see how it would make the OP and her DP not compatible.

2019Dancerz · 09/01/2019 12:24

You don’t have to stay at home until you can buy a mini replica of your parents home, it is possible to rent a room in a shared flat and get a bit of life experience. Nothing like sharing with strangers to make you low what you do and don’t want in life!

SilverySurfer · 09/01/2019 12:43

The bottom line is that he wants to continue with his old life with you slotted in as an extra.

If he has never lived away from home, there's a good chance that he does nothing in the way of housework etc, it's a good bet that mummy does everything. Do you want to take over from mummy? I hope not.

An adult would be open to negotiation - ie you would both discuss new possible areas and come to a mutual decision. Him digging his heels in because of his football team doesn't bode well.

Big red flags are waving OP and you sound far too sensible to ignore them.

3timeslucky · 09/01/2019 12:53

The issue isn't entirely about location, it is that he wants to keep his existing life and slot you into it rather than forging a new life together.

Personally I have concerns about anyone who isn't able to countenance life outside the bosom of their birth family. They never come across as fully grown-up.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/01/2019 12:55

Beebee I understand that more people live at home longer for financial reasons....which is understandable. However, if that person is still relying on parents ( usually mum) to do everything then that is a red flag imo.

My first serious boyfriend moved in with me straight from his parents and just expected me to take over from his mum .....I lost respect for him there and then. My now DH had lived alone for years and prior to that had been doing his own washing, cleaning and cooking at his parents and boy did it show! It felt like am equal partnership from the off.

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