To not want to live in OH home town?

[AuntieAunt]

For a little background we're both in our mid twenties and we've been together (long distance) for around a year now. I live in my own place around 20 minutes away from my home town but lived in various places around the UK - I only really came back home due to work whereas he has never lived anywhere part from with his parents in the same town around 2 hours away.

My OH has mentioned/hinted that this year he would really like us to move in together. However I know in his heart that he doesn't want to live anywhere that isn't his home town, he has never said this but it's clear. I understand he doesn't want to leave his sports team that he's played in since he was a teen with all of his best friends, also he supports the local team which he watches all the live games. Apart from a couple of his friends who went to uni all of his friends have stayed in his town and his family all live in a 5 miles radius. He has around a 10 minute drive to work so his evenings are spent with family and friends, if I was to move there it would make his life perfect (his words).

But, I really don't like the area he lives in, the local high street is essentially phone shops and discounted stores. There's not much in the lines of places to drink or eat and the town is basically a huge collection of estates (have to drive to get anywhere including the countryside). I've mentioned that nearby is a major city which is fun but he wants somewhere with a garage and a garden so we might as well live in his home town and we could commute into the city for evenings out (£60 taxi each way which rules out just popping in for a couple of drinks).

I moved into my own place around the time we met and it's a really nice place. There's plenty to do, eat, drink with great transport links literally on my door step. I also live alone verses with his parents but he doesn't even want to spend time here. I tried giving him keys to my flat but he didn't see the point or he'd prefer to be at his (in his room where we sit like teenagers whereas we can actually adult in my place).

I honestly don't want to live in his town as I just don't see anything there for me. Maybe if I had kids/dog/a few cars and needed to live in the suburbs but even then I wouldn't see me bringing up a family there.

I've mentioned to him before about us both starting fresh in a city we both love - it's affordable, bustling with things to do and is generally a great place but I just get a muted 'maybe'. He's said a couple of times this year already how he wants us to live together and he's mentioned he's been looking at places to buy but he goes quiet when I ask where they are. He doesn't have the money for a full despot by himself while I do, he has said there's no way he wants to move out by himself and he feels renting is a waste of money (he can't afford to rent and save for a deposit).

I didn't realise until recently that I really didn't want to live in his home town until he mentioned that I like everywhere else we visit in the UK apart from said town.

Maybe I could slightly adjust to renting temporarily if I knew we were going to go somewhere else but I can't even explain the feeling of moving there permanently. I'm not asking necessarily if i'm being BU but more what would you do?

I don't remember reading that her boyfriends mum does everything for him in the original post. Most of my male (and female!!) friends mum's did everything for them (my husbands too) And this hasn't hindered them at all in being able to contribute equally to cooking and cleaning when moving straight in with a partner. I really think this is a generational thing.

No it wasn't mentioned but people were suggesting this might be something the op bears mind.....again most of us were speaking from experience.
I'm only a couple of years older than you Beebee and I've experienced this.

I'm hopeful that it is starting to die out but you only have to read some of the threads on here to see it's still quite prevalent.

I guess I must just be lucky to have never encountered it myself (other than from some men of other cultures)

It's a hard one. I think you have a boyfriend problem rather than a location problem as I agree with other posters, he should be a little adventurous (as you have been) before he settles down.

On the other hand... Like you, I had left home and lived in various towns. I lived closer to the city where we both worked, he lived back in his home town (he had moved away previously and had moved back). We got engaged very quickly and hadn't thought where we would live. The first time I met his friends and family, it was in his local pub where he'd been drinking since he was 15. Everyone was so welcoming to me and plans were being made for future get-togethers etc. I knew instantly this was where I wanted to settle.

So, 20 years on, we now live in a very pretty road in a rather dull suburban town. The shopping is pretty lame too. But it's the people who make it. His friends and family are lovely. I have also made my own friends. The local community is thriving with loads of events being put on all the time. It's a ten minute walk to lovely countryside and only a half hour drive to the coast.

It can work.

You're not compatible and I think if you were with him all the time he'd bore you to death. There's nothing wrong with the way he wants to live, but it's not for you. Please don't try to cram yourself into the life he wants for himself. You'll only be unhappy.

Unsure if I missed something but what about your jobs if either of you moved away? Are they not important to factor in? If you move away, would you be expected to also quit your job?

Don’t do it, pretty much every PP is right. It will make you utterly miserable and the relationship just won’t last. I agree with PP’s that you’re simply incompatible and likely at different stages in your life. He is happy with the simple life he leads whereas you need more excitement. I suggest ending it in all honesty, there’s no compromise here.

YANBU.

I can see both sides to this, I don't think he is being unreasonable, I can understand him not wanting to move away from everyone and everything you know. I love living in a city and going out to bars/restaurants, but if all my friends were all together in suburbia somewhere else then the city would lose a lot of its appeal.

But I wouldn't want to move to a town where I was the outsider, especially one that sounds as unappealing as you make this one sound. You don't want to live there, and that's fine too. And you know he won't move elsewhere, even if you try it for a little while and decide it's not for you. You can't be the only one who is ever willing to compromise on something like this.

I wouldn't do it.

I met DH when I was in my early 20's and living in my university city (about 30 miles north of my home city). DH lived with his parents another 50 miles north in a little town.

We lived together in my city for about 7 years until we had DD and agreed to move back to DH's hometown so MIL could provide childcare. We've been here about a year and I HATE it. I'm used to living in a vibrant city with people from lots of different backgrounds. Although we live in a wealthier suburb here; it's a fairly deprived area, education is poor and I've struggled to make friends as the only topic of conversation at work seems to be what people had for tea, the local football team, what's on telly and gossip about people they went to school with.

I've had to come to terms with the fact that I have to live here and bring my family up here as unless we wanted to pay £1,000 a month in childcare, we couldn't move back. The only bonus is, we do have a lovely house with a big garden here, whereas we had a tiny flat before.

Well, I would check his relationship with equality before moving in with him, because there are still numerous men (incl younger men) who can’t / don’t cook, clean and deal with laundry.

This guy has blokey activities , plays for a team, follows a team, how many eves a week and Saturday afternoons would the OP be stuck in suburban-estate wasteland while he trains, plays, watches matches and then goes drinking afterwards?

Does he shop, cook, clean and iron?

The alarm bell for me is that he won't even spend weekends with you in your apt your city he'd rather you both holed up in his room at his parents house. Dh & I had a long distance relationship for over a year before he moved to the city I lived in at the time. During that year we did one weekend at his & one weekend at mine until it was him who decided he'd enough of the city he lived in wanted to move to where I was located & give our relationship a proper go. Honestly one of you will have to compromise & doesn't sound like either of you want to.

Beebee8 of course it's possible that he will function as an adult if he moves in with the OP but I've been here long enough to read countless threads by women who have partners who do absolutely nothing because their mother did it all for them. However since he won't move away from his family, friends or precious football club and the OP doesn't want to live in his area, she will probably never know.

I wonder what he thinks the OP will be doing while he changes no part of his lifestyle, going to football training a couple of times a week, to matches at the weekend out with his friends etc?

I tried giving him keys to my flat but he didn't see the point or he'd prefer to be at his (in his room where we sit like teenagers whereas we can actually adult in my place).

This on its own is pretty telling.

Still huge red flags.

He’s not a manchild just because he lives at home. You wouldn’t berate a female for the same thing

Don't do it op, I was in a similar situation to you, moved to my dp's hometown (which I also hated) and it almost killed our relationship.

Luckily we're still together but no longer live in his hometown, it took many years of heartache and him having to grow the fuck up to be where we are now. I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone.

If you have doubts now and you already know you don't like the place it won't get any better if you move.

Sorry to be so negative I just wish I had someone to tell me not to do it, If he values you or your relationship at all he would be jumping to move to start a new life with you somewhere else.

Jesus wept! There is NO compromise here. You are tying yourself in knots over this. He is not. It's his way or the highway, with you paying the lion's share. He lives at home like a kid, he wants to continue doing that with his feet under your table instead, the one you buy where he wants it because he cannot afford it despite not having many expenses. It's all about him and what he wants.

This is a manchild. Such people rarely change and it's not your responsibility.

You're in your 20s. You've only been with this guy for a year and he's already setting you up to be his next mother.

Just NO. You have no ties, you're single. You have your entire life ahead of you, why on Earth even consider throwing it all away and saddling yourself down with this teenager in a man's body? OMG, just read the relationship boards on here, legions of women who settled for someone like this and are now frustrated, upset, deeply unhappy and stuck with the manchild as they went and procreated with him - he's completely unbothered, off doing his hobby and hanging out with his mates whilst she's doing all the shitwork.

This is very simple. 'I do not want to live in your hometown. Ever. I don't want to buy a home with someone who cannot contribute equally to it. We can stay as we are or we need to end things because I will never live in your hometown and I want a relationship with someone who's willing to grow up and be an adult.'

It's a dealbreaker.

Please raise your standards, they are FAR too low.

He’s not a manchild just because he lives at home. You wouldn’t berate a female for the same thing

He's a manchild because he wants to carry on living his teenage life and not grow the fuck up. He wants to move straight from Mum's House to House Girlfriend Buys, where he wants it, down the street from Mum so he can carry on living his adolescent life.

If a woman that age lived at home and got all her washing and cooking done for her still I would think they were pretty immature. I have worked with several people in this scenario, they were lovely humans but not independent adults imo.

plumpsyrianhamster

How do you know that? Maybe he wants a support network around him if they have kids. Just because his family and friends are around him doesn’t make him a teenager or is it because the dreaded ‘football’ was mentioned

How do you know that? Maybe he wants a support network around him if they have kids. Just because his family and friends are around him doesn’t make him a teenager or is it because the dreaded ‘football’ was mentioned

Because he wants everything on his own terms, Boom, there's no other alternative for him, it's all about himself and what he wants, which is fine, but that's not exactly being adult in a relationship especially because he wants his girlfriend to use her money to buy a house where he wants it. Everything's about what he wants. That's childish.

Anyone who'd go along with this, knowing they don't want to be in that area or live like that, would be a fool.

They're incompatible. He needs to find someone who lives round the corner and is happy to buy a home with her money that suits him.

If he is not even interested in visiting your flat, and would rather hang out with you in his parents’ home, I’m afraid you already have your answer.

He has effectively already settled down and is unlikely to give anything up.

He has also taken it for granted that you would be the one making all the changes if you moved to his home town. What would he be prepared to compromise on?

Her boyfriend has savings too just not enough for a deposit alone, people are getting massively carried away here

The OP could be dating a woman and all these concerns would still be valid

Just say no! It’s a no brainer!