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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want all of the inlaws coming to stay 3 days after childbirth?

113 replies

Bemoremargo · 08/01/2019 19:44

I gave birth to my lovely third son this morning, all went as smoothly as I could have dreamt and I've said yes to MIL and FIL coming to stay from Thursday to Saturday. I usually find 2/3 days visits are my limit without even having a newborn. They are lovely but overbearing. I've only just started to be able to assert myself recently with them after 10 years of being with DH.
Now we've been asked if BIL and his newish gf (who we've never met) can come from the Friday night and leave with them all on Saturday.
I know its only 1 night with 2 extra people but I think it will be pushing it tbh. It'll be day 3 to 5 post birth and from what I can remember from the last time I'll be a hormonal, sweaty and crying mess with my boobs out constantly. MiL has a track record of not being positive about breast feeding (which is a whole other story) and I know she'll expect me to take myself and baby upstairs away from sight to feed him, so I have visions of feeling like I've been banished to my room for the duration. Or going up and down stairs like a jack in the box getting angrier and angrier. Adding a new person I've never met might just tip me over. I'd like to suggest that Bil and gf come in a couple of weeks, I can't see what difference it would make to them and it would be much easier for us/me. Oh, and we've got 1 spare room so Mil and Fil fit easily but having 2 more means putting 3 and 7 year old together which we've not tried before. I know its not the end of the world but I'm already feeling put out and stressed at the thought of it.
DH thinks we should be pleased they're so excited about the new baby and just get it all over with at once, but it will be me recovering from birth, trying to establish breastfeeding and attempting to not cry in front of everyone, not him.
Reading that back I don't think IABU, but I'm fully prepared to be told to just crack on and cope with a few visitors for a couple of nights!

OP posts:
MamaDane · 08/01/2019 21:48

I wouldn't want any family over for more than just a few hours where they can meet the baby.

The first month would 100% just be my DP, baby and I. Being alone with the baby and getting used to parenthood and getting to know the baby.

Hell no, I do not think you're being unreasonable. My DP's family is from the UK and I hope they would visit when we have a kid, but they would have to stay at a hotel.

Not doing childbirth, learning to be a mum while entertaining guests. Nope.

HoustonBess · 08/01/2019 21:53

Lord, no. I get angry about people who think their wish for cuddles and photos is more important than the mother's recovery, establishing bonding and breastfeeding. Let them come for a few hours and stay somewhere else.
If your MIL is uncomfortable with breastfeeding tell her she's welcome to go and sit in a room upstairs! Why on earth should you have to, in your own home and presumably with uncomfortable nethers?

MamaDane · 08/01/2019 21:54

Agree with @Houston, she should leave if she's uncomfortable, certainly not you.

SleepWarrior · 08/01/2019 21:55

If you're happy with things now then that's great.

If you're not, you could send a further message to MIL to see if she'd like to come less... soon!

I'm probably excessively subtle but might send:

"Thanks for being so understanding. Whilst on the topic of breastfeeding i just wanted to check you were happy with the dates you've chosen for a longer stay as obviously I will be squirrelled away mostly in bed establishing feeding, so you won't actually see much of the baby. If you'd prefer to postpone a couple of weeks and just pop in for a cup of tea this time then do let us know. Either way is fine by us. Margo"

That way you have a nice excuse to not socialise and just rest with you baby and read/tv whilst dh brings up drinks and food (heaven to me!).

howhowhow · 08/01/2019 22:00

Fuck that

delboysskinandblister · 08/01/2019 22:04

i'd still be tempted to open the door with my bare norks out; baby latched on one and leaking from the other just to ensure they got the message you can breastfeed where you like especially in your own home in which they are a guest.

Lookingforadvice123 · 08/01/2019 22:04

YADNBU! My in laws (MIL really but worth FIL and SIL in tow) definitely have boundary issues when it comes to new babies. Luckily they are local so with DS1 although they came round every day in week 1, its was for an hour or two.

BIL and SIL live in another country, but EVEN MY PIL and their boundary issues knew better than to stay with them when their babies were born. They stayed in a hotel. Like normal people. Which is what your in laws should do! Then they can pop in for a cuppa and a cuddle and leave. My PILs are funny about BF too so I know exactly what you mean.

Maelstrop · 08/01/2019 22:05

It's all very well being grateful that your pil care for your DC, but don't let that fool you into allowing liberties and to carry on being their doormat. You're a mum and you need to protect your DC and yourself so boundaries in place, be tough, tell them what YOU want to happen, not what they want.

zucchinieggplant · 08/01/2019 22:14

Congratulations, both on your new baby AND for putting you foot down with the extra guests!

I don't think I can add anything constructive, but don't let PIL make you feel uncomfortable in your own home! This first week is for nesting and adjusting to your new addition. The PIL should be bending over backwards to make sure you, and everyone else, are settled and comfortable easier said than done.

Good luck! Thanks

Bemoremargo · 08/01/2019 22:21

That's exactly what I've allowed to happen @maelstrop. This has been a bit of a wake up call. I told DH how selfish they've been to even ask and he seems to actually have taken it on board. He's rearranged for them
to come at the weekend instead of Thursday so we have 2 days extra before I lose the plot! Its a very small step in the right direction but it feels good.
My twin sister isn't even coming until Saturday and thats only for a few hours as she doesn't want to crowd us. And she definitely wouldn't ask to bring her new boyfriend!

To not want all of the inlaws coming to stay 3 days after childbirth?
OP posts:
Bemoremargo · 08/01/2019 22:24

Didn't think the photo had posted! The boy himself, he's a sweetheart!

OP posts:
todayandtomorrow · 08/01/2019 22:25

Aww, he's beautiful! Congratulations!

Pinkprincess1978 · 08/01/2019 22:36

Congratulations op, he looks delightful. I love that fresh newborn feel. I miss that, not sure there will be many more babies in my family until the grandchildren/great nieces/nephews start arriving.

Well done for standing up for yourself! You are a better woman than me for allowing over night guests so soon. I hope your husband manages to get his parents to actually help while there are there!

EverlyNow · 08/01/2019 22:42

Enjoy your few days just your family OP. He’s beautiful 💐

sahknowme · 08/01/2019 22:48

If MIL has a problem with you breastfeeding, she can go into another room.

EKGEMS · 08/01/2019 22:54

Omg he's angelic! Congrats!

Purpleartichoke · 08/01/2019 22:59

Congratulations

We didn’t allow overnight guests for the first month. Told the grandparents who were traveling far that visits were max an hour a day the first couple of weeks. They came later which was perfect.

Lilimoon · 08/01/2019 23:01

What a beautiful baby. Well done on all counts OP. x

Iflyaway · 08/01/2019 23:02

Fuck! Well done them for the prize of least sensitive for 2019.

Just say fuck! NO.

Sorry, doesn't work for me.
We will be bonding.

poppiesallykatie · 08/01/2019 23:04

fuck no, and if you do it, the anger will linger. MIL and FIL can stay in a hotel, don't let it happen, you have 2 other kids to take care of. What is wrong with people that they figure this would be ok?? No. Tell them you need time with your baby and adjusting and can't have overnight guests, but they are welcome to see the baby as a day visit. Tell the BIL and his new GF to pay for a room.

SandAndSea · 08/01/2019 23:22

Congratulations, OP! Flowers

You are not being at all unreasonable, as you now know. How about following up Mil's text with something like this, "Thanks for understanding. I'm just so tired at the moment - you know what it's like. Thanks for coming to help, I really appreciate it."

SandAndSea · 08/01/2019 23:27

Just to add that I wouldn't have them to stay, but if you do, make it clear you expect them to help.

ohfourfoxache · 08/01/2019 23:30

Oh he’s beautiful! Congratulations x

Blueblueyellow · 08/01/2019 23:33

He is beautiful!!! Smile
Congratulations Op aww gorgeous xx

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 08/01/2019 23:45

Congratulations on the African of your lovely baby.

About having visitors - remember in MIL's day women were probably in hospital for a week after giving birth. She wouldn't have been hosting guests and making cups of tea etc. In fact she probably did very little, as the nurses took the babies away for big chunks of the day so the new mothers could recover in peace. So she knows this visiting malarkey isn't right.

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