Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want all of the inlaws coming to stay 3 days after childbirth?

113 replies

Bemoremargo · 08/01/2019 19:44

I gave birth to my lovely third son this morning, all went as smoothly as I could have dreamt and I've said yes to MIL and FIL coming to stay from Thursday to Saturday. I usually find 2/3 days visits are my limit without even having a newborn. They are lovely but overbearing. I've only just started to be able to assert myself recently with them after 10 years of being with DH.
Now we've been asked if BIL and his newish gf (who we've never met) can come from the Friday night and leave with them all on Saturday.
I know its only 1 night with 2 extra people but I think it will be pushing it tbh. It'll be day 3 to 5 post birth and from what I can remember from the last time I'll be a hormonal, sweaty and crying mess with my boobs out constantly. MiL has a track record of not being positive about breast feeding (which is a whole other story) and I know she'll expect me to take myself and baby upstairs away from sight to feed him, so I have visions of feeling like I've been banished to my room for the duration. Or going up and down stairs like a jack in the box getting angrier and angrier. Adding a new person I've never met might just tip me over. I'd like to suggest that Bil and gf come in a couple of weeks, I can't see what difference it would make to them and it would be much easier for us/me. Oh, and we've got 1 spare room so Mil and Fil fit easily but having 2 more means putting 3 and 7 year old together which we've not tried before. I know its not the end of the world but I'm already feeling put out and stressed at the thought of it.
DH thinks we should be pleased they're so excited about the new baby and just get it all over with at once, but it will be me recovering from birth, trying to establish breastfeeding and attempting to not cry in front of everyone, not him.
Reading that back I don't think IABU, but I'm fully prepared to be told to just crack on and cope with a few visitors for a couple of nights!

OP posts:
Guineapiglet345 · 08/01/2019 20:59

Are they mentally sub-normal? Asking if a woman you’ve never met can come and stay with you 3 days after you’ve given birth when you’ve got 2 other children to look after as well? Jesus, I thought my in-laws were selfish but this is something else!

hibbledibble · 08/01/2019 21:00

Say no to everyone!!

Give them details for a local B&B, and say it's not a good time for you, and say there just isn't space for everyone! Your dh needs to back you up here.

SandunesAndRainclouds · 08/01/2019 21:01

My favourite piece of MN advice -

No is a complete sentence.

Woodenhillmum · 08/01/2019 21:03

If your best friend related this story to you what would you say ?
Please say no to the lot of them staying , breastfeed to suit you and your baby and enjoy your new addition .

emzw12 · 08/01/2019 21:03

Jesus why are you having anyone two stay so soon! We had a no visitors rule for the first week - though we had stayed in hospital for two weeks with baby in intensive care.
3 days is a bit full on! Can't they visit for the day like normal visitors?

hammeringinmyhead · 08/01/2019 21:07

I don't understand why women who have given birth don't remember the bleeding, soreness (c-section wound or undercarriage), it taking 20 minutes to have a poo, the hormonal crying, and lack of desire or ability to get dressed. YANBU. My parents and in-laws stayed in a Travelodge.

Blueblueyellow · 08/01/2019 21:08

Yes to what Aquamarine1029 said. For God's sake why are people like this. Why do they think this is in any way fair on you. I'd go with the breastfeeding excuse and too hectic and your only home from hospital Breastfeeding is so full on the early days and on top of everything else with a newborn.Did you send the message?

caroline161 · 08/01/2019 21:08

No no no no
Cancel them all.

halfwitpicker · 08/01/2019 21:09

Asking if a woman you’ve never met can come and stay with you 3 days after you’ve given birth when you’ve got 2 other children to look after as well?^^

^

Nutshell.

MulticolourMophead · 08/01/2019 21:13

OP, you are brave. And whatever happens, if anyone is visiting, don't lift a finger. Any hints about needing a cuppa should be met with "help yourself", or your DH can do it.

Blueblueyellow · 08/01/2019 21:13

And I understand the awkward position they have put you in. My pil came and stayed in our house while I was having my DC, next day OH eft hospital in the morning and didn't come back until late that night, because his Df made him cook a 3 hour roast for dinner. I've learned to say no and nip these things in the bud.

lboogy · 08/01/2019 21:16

He'll fucking no ynbu. I wouldn't have any inlaws stay after any birth. You need time to adjust. Let them come a month or two later

Bambamber · 08/01/2019 21:16

In your shoes I think the whole family would be coming down with and awful and highly contagious stomach bug and you couldn't possibly risk anyone else catching it, so in fact you will have to postpone anyone staying for the time being. You will surely let them all know when you are less contagious, although it could take a little while

Newtcase · 08/01/2019 21:17

No to the in-laws, especially if they are going to create work for you.

I had my mother-in-law stay in our house for one night 5 days after giving birth to DS and it was terrible. Due to her overbearing behaviour, (interfering comments, trying to take my newborn into her bed and negative comments about breastfeeding) I found it has caused permanent damage to our relationship.

Hormones will be haywire, baby will be feeding constantly (or it will feel like it anyway!) and you should be making the most of your first few days as a family of five.

Also who would want to meet someone for the first time just after they have given birth?!

Short visit only for one afternoon Smile

Pixie2015 · 08/01/2019 21:23

Congratulations- yanbu - you need space to look after you and your baby certainly not a house full - you don’t need the stress - good luck x

MumW · 08/01/2019 21:26

Congratulations Flowers

Tell DH you've had given it some thought now that you are feeling more rationsl and you absolutely won't be meeting new people until at least 4 months weeks time.
Ask him to cancel or reduce PILs stay and if he won't, make very long list of all the things that he and his parents will need to do.
School run, washing, taking other children out, all the cooking, shopping and absolutely insist that PIL change and wash bedding so that it's ready for use again.

oh4forkssake · 08/01/2019 21:26

No no no no.

No.

Nope.

And congratulations on your baby!

DisappearingFish · 08/01/2019 21:26
WineGummyBear · 08/01/2019 21:28

YADNBU

MumW · 08/01/2019 21:30

And don't be afraid to boss them around.
Gosh, is that the time - I haven't managed breakfast yet. Please get me some toast and marmalade/boild egg/bacon sandwich
Make some tea PIL.
Put the washing in MIL.
Kids school uniform needs ironing, would somebody see to it.

Channel your inner "lady of the manor"
In fact, you need a little handbell!Grin

Lara53 · 08/01/2019 21:34

I’d set myself up in the bedroom with TV, food, phone etc and not go downstairs st all. Make your DH do all the work!!!

Original poster
Bemoremargo · 08/01/2019 21:37

I sent a message to Mil setting out why we couldn't have Bil and gf to stay so soon. I said we'd love to see them but no room and its such an important time to establish bf etc (to hopefully remind Mil that newborn babies need feeding pretty constantly) but they could try to find an Air b n b.
Got a short reply back saying she understands (so why ask?!) and they are looking forward to seeing us. So I've dodged a bullet thanks to you all and only have 2 coming.
I'm pleased with myself for not just going along with such an awful suggestion. Reading all the replies has made me really emotional though. My boundaries are obviously way off to even wonder if I was unreasonable to not welcome 3 unhelpful in laws plus one stranger with open arms. My own mother couldn't be less interested in her grandchildren (she's only seen my other children once Sad) so I suppose I'm grateful they have grandparents who do love them and find it hard to say no.

OP posts:
BusyMum47 · 08/01/2019 21:41

Holy crap! Not a chance in hell that you're being unreasonable!! In fact, cancel the In laws too - can't believe they have the bloody nerve & complete lack of understanding & compassion to even suggest it - WTF is wrong with them??!!

The first couple of weeks are for you, hubby & existing kids to languish in the 'new baby bubble' & slob out, establish feeding, bond, not give a crap about the state of the place, stay in your PJs all day if you want & have people wait on you & cook for you - not for you to host others!! Tell hubby in no uncertain terms to tell them to eff off!!! 😀

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 08/01/2019 21:44

What is the MATTER with people? Who seriously suggests you host 4 visitors, one of whom you've never met before, a few days after giving birth?

Bumbelinadance · 08/01/2019 21:46

Congratulations op
You are a smasher and a star
You just pushed a human being out of your vagina
That’s a pretty cool party trick

Have read most of post
So happy to see it seems resolved
I don’t know if you and dh/ in laws are from the same culture

When I had Ds 12 years ago my family came to stay and it horrified ex dh
My family were equally horrified at the idea of not supporting their daughter/sister and new grandchild
Huge drama as a result I had to deal with , hours post Partum... I do think cultural differences were a big part of that

So my biggest sympathies and sending you lots of chocolate

Swipe left for the next trending thread