To think DH is being out of order.

[User3billion]

We've booked a holiday to go away at Easter & DH has said no to tell my family. He doesn't particularly like my mum - she can be quite overbearing at times.

I thought he meant not to tell them right away & I said I'd have to tell them at some point. I think it'd be rude not to let them know we're going away.

He thinks as we don't live under their roof we've no obligation to tell them & it wouldn't be rude.

So who is BU him or me?

sounds like you don't like your husband too much

Thank you for constructive suggestions. I do think I need to assess where I'm at & where I want to be with regards to my relationship with my mother.

@Bubs101 I don't know where you've got that from?? I love how much people on Mumsnet can infer from one thread.

Well done OP. I wish you a successful outcome. It won;t be easy but it is necessary. It is not unreasonable what you are going to do. Stand firm. You have more power than you think.

Good luck with that!

I know from experience that the conversation with your DH will only be equalled in horror by the conversation you have with yourself!

Happily once you get over the sense of betrayal (that is you betraying anyone and everyone including yourself) you can then start to work on climbing out of the trap your unsuspecting younger self dug all those years ago.

As I said, the very est of luck with it!

I might be missing something but I haven't seen anything which suggests that DM is controlling or interfering? If you are happy with the relationship with your DM them to me it seems that it is your DH who is controlling. It's ridiculous to withhold the holiday information, honestly how will she feel if she finds out? Not because she is being interfering, just because it's so unnecessary. I speak to my mum most days, very similar to you, honestly we could emigrate and my DMIL wouldn't notice- as strange as it is to me that does not make either relationship wrong, just different. My and my DH respect this and don't judge the other. If your husband has deep seated resentment after all this time, despite you all forging on for the last 10 years I think k that's his issue, and honestly I would completely ignire him.

You’re very much missing something @Celtic1hair. Read the OP’s updates.

i cant imagine booking a holiday and not mentioning it to my mum, that just seems like normal behaviour to me, although my mum is lovely and doesn't interfere at all.

Out of mine & DH’s parents, 1 set would react fine / vaguely disinterested in news of a holiday, and the other would google it to death, send us links to ‘things to do/see’, phone up a friend they haven’t spoken to in years because they think they went there once, worry about flight times, worry about cost of hotel, send links to alternative hotel, thoroughly research parking, meal plan, research supermarkets, send newspaper articles relating to bordering countries, research crime statistics etc etc

I know this to be true because they actually fucking did it once

Anyway. You can guess which set of parents is no longer allowed to know about the holiday until the day before, if that.

But that's just it @emiliaAirhart, I did read them and I really don't think OP sounds particularly bothered, more like her DP is suggesting the relationship is inappropriate (huge apologies if I'm getting it wrong). No relationship is perfect and god knows my DM can drive me crazy but that's no reason to stop a relationship she feels happy with- little issues can be resolved if they are communicated, or be lived with of it's worth it. This hardly sounds like a toxic relationship with negative effects on all parties.

Tell her the basics. Mum I’m going on holiday for about 2weeks end of May so don’t worry about not having daily phone calls.

I wouldn’t forgive someone who said they hated me 10years ago when they haven’t even bothered to say sorry. I would have a very low opinion of my husband if his mother had done that and he was in daily contact with her too.

@user3billion I dread her coming over as I hate when she tries to do housework

when this hits the fan you can give her my address?

This hardly sounds like a toxic relationship with negative effects on all parties. Except OP has said it does and has outlined a few ways. Plus she has said I do think I need to assess where I'm at & where I want to be with regards to my relationship with my mother.

It probably isn't the holiday her DH is fussed about. More that the holiday is just the most recent, convenient happening for him to try and get the problem he does see get resolved.

It could be that he is being unreasonable. But only OP has all the info to know...

I do this with my family- I share just some of the details close to the event or after. The problem is that they love to discuss and comment, and worry. It’s just too much for me. I used to share a lot but then cut it gradually. I would love to share more but my parents would give me (and my DH) a lot of advices straight away and would expect us to follow them. The trickiest bit is that our life is completely different, we live in different country, have a child with additional needs so most of their advices are good but not relevant to us. So the easiest way is not to share much.
My DH doesn’t share much details with his mum, he’s very good loving son, he just thinks that it’s not necessary. He would tell her about our holiday just before otherwise she would worry about flights, then follow our plane route online...We just bought house, he tell his DM nothing during house hunting only when when we completed.
So your DH might be a mixture of both: doesn’t see sharing details as necessary and doesn’t like your family commenting about your life.

my mother screamed at him that she hated him in the middle of a heated argument

This does seem like a bit of a clue