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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is being out of order.

114 replies

User3billion · 08/01/2019 13:39

We've booked a holiday to go away at Easter & DH has said no to tell my family. He doesn't particularly like my mum - she can be quite overbearing at times.

I thought he meant not to tell them right away & I said I'd have to tell them at some point. I think it'd be rude not to let them know we're going away.

He thinks as we don't live under their roof we've no obligation to tell them & it wouldn't be rude.

So who is BU him or me?

OP posts:
puppymouse · 08/01/2019 14:08

My DPs would be vaguely aware we were going away but it wouldn't be unusual for me to get a text from my DF while on holiday as he'd forgotten or didn't know exact dates. We go away with both my parents and their spouses and it wouldn't occur to me to tell the parent we weren't going with when and where unless it came up in conversation.

DH's parents I have little contact with. Wouldn't tell them at all.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 08/01/2019 14:11

I would imagine there's a huge backstory of your mum interfering offering unwanted opinions and generally taking the shine off of things you are doing without her.

He is right though, you don't have to tell other people anything, if it doesn't concern or involve them then why would they need to know?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/01/2019 14:12

Pachyderm, you have a point, but that isn't what I said, as I explained in the post immediately above yours.

Sarahjconnor · 08/01/2019 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laiste · 08/01/2019 14:17

We'll just have to wait for OP to enlighten us. I think those among us without a parent problem won't be able to immediately see any problem.

While we wait i need to say that MulticolourMophead's post has reminded me of another reason i keep information down to a trickle with my DM. It's not just the judginess about how much it might or not have cost, or how many times we 'keep going away' (less than once a year) or the guilt trip about going at all - it's the insistence on phone calls to let her know we're ''alive'' every two bloody minutes ''or i'll just sit here and worry ...''. Hmm Even when we've only driven to Dorset for a weekend? Really?

Butchyrestingface · 08/01/2019 14:18

He is right though, you don't have to tell other people anything, if it doesn't concern or involve them then why would they need to know?

You could it further. OP doesn't "need" to have any social contact with her mother, or anyone else for that matter, besides her husband. But generally people do, and part of that social contact is making conversation, talking about plans, etc.

Unless there are very strong reasons to keep that sort of information private. And so far, we haven't heard any.

Butchyrestingface · 08/01/2019 14:19

We'll just have to wait for OP to enlighten us. I think those among us without a parent problem won't be able to immediately see any problem.

I do have/have had a parent problem, but without knowing the torturous? full backstory, OP's husband's reaction seems mystifying.

Miane · 08/01/2019 14:23

I would guess the OP knows exactly why her DH doesn’t want the information shared.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 08/01/2019 14:24

But generally people do, and part of that social contact is making conversation, talking about plans

Whilst I agree this is true the part the stuck out for me in the OP's post was that the OP said I'd have to tell them at some point. I wondered why this would be the case. It is nice to share that information in conversation but why does she feel her family have to be informed?

It almost seemed like the expectation was they would need to be informed. Her husband rightly pointed out that actually the only people who needed to know were the people going on the holiday.

Original poster
User3billion · 08/01/2019 14:24

He does think I tell them too much. I talk to my mum most days which he finds odd & will say that he doesn't know anyone else that does that (lots of my friends do).

In terms of her being overbearing she likes to "help" which could be viewed as interfering - things like washing up/tidying if she visits, buying the kids stuff, having an opinion on everything. Some of which annoys me but I've learnt to ignore.

She won't want to come with us - it's me, DH & 3 kids and it's in school holidays.

DH may or may not tell his family, I haven't asked. We barely see them so they wouldn't notice if we were out of the country for 2 weeks whereas my parents would.

OP posts:
Til89 · 08/01/2019 14:24

I don’t get it. I go away all the time without telling my parents. You’re adults. It’s fine.

Original poster
User3billion · 08/01/2019 14:27

I think I do have a mother issue. She would be upset & make me feel like shit if I didn't tell them at all.

I suppose it's become my normal & it's easier just not to cause unnecessary argument. Beyond that I'd actually like to share my excitement with family.

OP posts:
Summerisdone · 08/01/2019 14:29

I find it really strange that he doesn't have an actual reason for not wanting to know, other than not liking you 'over sharing' with her, I mean saying you're going away for a couple weeks is hardly over sharing, and if you speak to her most days then won't she think something has happened when she doesn't hear from you and you're not home if she goes round?

Also, I personally do t see the big deal in talking to your mum most days, I speak to mine most days and in fact I'd say majority of people I know speak to their parents on a regular basis 🤷🏻‍♀️

Butchyrestingface · 08/01/2019 14:29

He does think I tell them too much. I talk to my mum most days which he finds odd & will say that he doesn't know anyone else that does that (lots of my friends do).

I was very close to my late mum, OP. Didn't talk quite as often as you did but we would talk at least 2/3 times a week and saw each other at least once a week. By calling the frequent contact between you "odd", it sounds like he's trying to reduce the contact between you.

In terms of her being overbearing she likes to "help" which could be viewed as interfering - things like washing up/tidying if she visits, buying the kids stuff, having an opinion on everything. Some of which annoys me but I've learnt to ignore.

Do you want to reduce that? A lot of people on MN would kill for a 'hands on' parent but it's really about what suits you and your family.

joanmcc · 08/01/2019 14:30

"A lot of people on MN would kill for a 'hands on' parent"

A lot of people on MN would jump to no contact for a MIL "having an opinion on everything."

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 08/01/2019 14:31

She would be upset & make me feel like shit if I didn't tell them at all.

The irony is you think your husband is the one who is out of order, simply because he doesn't pander to her. I would use this as a starting point. Having a close relationship and speaking most days is fine if its reciprocal. This just sounds like she still wants to exercise some control over you and to be honest it sounds like your husband if finally fed up of how she behaves and makes you feel.

jinglewithbellson · 08/01/2019 14:32

I tell mine as mum would pop in to check house is ok etc.
However my mum is a bit of a nightmare as in she will constantly message the whole time wanting pics and wanting to know how it's going and what we are upto etc etc Hmm

She's done it when me and dh have gone away for a one night short break ffs

She has no idea of boundary's at times and it can feel claustrophobic,like she will turn up and walk In of an evening when generally we've just got dc to bed and are about to jump in the shower while we cook our tea Hmm

I've had to tell her politely pls not to do that but I have to make t firm or she doesn't take any notice and then she plays the poor her card Hmm
Love her to bits but since going down to two days work a week it's got worse.

I hate feeling crowded like it at times. Maybe your dm is like it and your dh isn't used to it like mine isn't

wijjy · 08/01/2019 14:33

hmmm, why wouldn't he want a MIL who is described as "having an opinion on everything" talking at you about your holiday plans?

Why don't you compromise and tell her closer to the date, when his discomfort about it will be reduced (and she will have less time to tell you where you are going wrong; why you should have booked it with someone else; why you paid too much or should have gone to a more expensive place etc etc...)

EggFrenzy · 08/01/2019 14:34

Perhaps he feels she may be judgemental or nosy about finances?

My MIL & SIL get huffy about us going on holiday (which are low key and not splashed over SM), so much so that we have gone away without mentioning anything to them - but of course it's fine for them to go on much more ostentatious holidays.

Butchyrestingface · 08/01/2019 14:34

A lot of people on MN would jump to no contact for a MIL "having an opinion on everything."

Yup, which is why it's about what suits OP and her family, or what they're willing to put up to balance the good with the bad.

OP says she has contact with her mother most days, but it's not clear who initiates that. If OP is happy to have contact most days, it would be pretty natural to tell the mother that she's going on holiday, and where, as part of natural conversation.

If she's not happy with the amount of contact, and wants to reduce it - which sounds like is what the husband wants - then that's a different matter.

howabout · 08/01/2019 14:37

YABU

Your DM in daily contact with an opinion on everything and helping that much in day to day family life would really really annoy me. How would you feel if it was your MiL rather than your DM and then see it from your DH's pov.

Even if you want that much contact with your DM there is no requirement to share all the comings and goings with your DH, so perhaps that would help. My DH has a very arms length relationship with his family (just as well since he is one of 6). He handles my family largely by ignoring them unless they are really winding me up in which case he advocates backing away.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 08/01/2019 14:39

Not sure if anyone else said this, but if you go away without telling your mum, she might think you're all dead in your beds or something terrible and break in or call the police...

delboysskinandblister · 08/01/2019 14:40

YABU.

You don't live at home you are married. She sounds like she has quite a hold over you to make you feel obliged to tell her. The point of a holiday is to get away from it all. Rellies included. I can see why your husband doesn't like her.

I'm with your husband.

Original poster
User3billion · 08/01/2019 14:42

I like talking to her on the phone, I dread her coming over as I hate when she tries to do housework but despite only living about 5 miles away she doesn't call often.

I think she does want to feel like she has an element of control & don't really know how to stop it without causing upset. Yes I'm a grown adult, yes I'm aware "no is a full sentence" that doesn't make it any easier.

We once went away with my parents (DH's idea I told him that it wouldn't work as had done short breaks with previous partners) & my mother screamed at him that she hated him in the middle of a heated argument. That was 10 years ago & that's where his dislike of my mum stems from. Sorry if this seems like drip feeding. Wasn't meant to. He has an inability to let that go but will generally be ok in their company. He gets on well with my dad.

OP posts:
delboysskinandblister · 08/01/2019 14:44

*I think I do have a mother issue. She would be upset & make me feel like shit if I didn't tell them at all.

I suppose it's become my normal & it's easier just not to cause unnecessary argument.*

You have a YOU issue. Cut the 'Gordian Knot'. She is EA. You are enabling her. Cut down on her involvement in your household.

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