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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is being out of order.

114 replies

User3billion · 08/01/2019 13:39

We've booked a holiday to go away at Easter & DH has said no to tell my family. He doesn't particularly like my mum - she can be quite overbearing at times.

I thought he meant not to tell them right away & I said I'd have to tell them at some point. I think it'd be rude not to let them know we're going away.

He thinks as we don't live under their roof we've no obligation to tell them & it wouldn't be rude.

So who is BU him or me?

OP posts:
Miane · 08/01/2019 15:14

So OP answers and her mother tells her she's being trying to get in touch/has called round to her home and no-one is there, what is OP supposed to say

You say “we got all spontaneous and took a last minute holiday, sorry I forgot to let you know in the rush!”

delboysskinandblister · 08/01/2019 15:14

@User3billion

did he ever get an apology? Doesn't matter how long ago it was.

joanmcc · 08/01/2019 15:18

I may be wrong here, but given how OP is deperate to make her DH look wrong, even if her mum given the lamest non-apology, she'd have been at pains to mention it already,

joanmcc · 08/01/2019 15:18

*desperate

Original poster
User3billion · 08/01/2019 15:19

I don't remember if she apologised which suggests if I don't remember her doing it she probably didn't. We just didn't speak for a while.

OP posts:
joanmcc · 08/01/2019 15:21

So what was the time limit until your husband had to bend over and get on with it?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 08/01/2019 15:22

DH's brother shouted at me and called me obnoxious 15 years ago and neither DH or I have spoken to him since.
DH's family think he's being ridiculous especially since brother apologised.
Brother never apologised, he said "I didn't say I hated you" to me.
That was it.
A little different in this case since it's your mum, but you sound like you have issues with her too.

Laiste · 08/01/2019 15:23

I xposted about the screaming thing.
10 years wouldn't dull the memory for me either i'm afraid, even after a heartfelt apology!

The only exception to this would be if the screaming person was at the time either

  1. Under HUGE stress (major bereavement ect)
or
  1. Genuinely mentally ill.

If neither of the above then i'd seen them in a very bad light forever. I'd be civil. But i'd prefer to keep them very much at bay. I feel for your DH.

Gitfeatures · 08/01/2019 15:24

He's generally at work when my mum calls or when I call her & conversation is usually about the kids and/or my elderly Nan.

So where has his idea that she is overbearing and you tell her too much come from - is it historic? Was there some hoo-hah at Xmas? Has he given any examples of what he objects to?

delboysskinandblister · 08/01/2019 15:27

@User3billion

The fact that she didn't and that you can't remember and you state that it was 10 years ago and you've had more kids as if 'oh well it's irrelevant now' suggests you and your Mum don't respect your husband. He sounds like a guest in his own home.

I think your nice husband deserves a holiday and a fresh start...

Zucker · 08/01/2019 15:29

I don't think I'd get over my MIL screaming she hated me either tbh! I don't blame your husband for not wanting her beak in your business.

Original poster
User3billion · 08/01/2019 15:29

I don't expect him to have an amazing relationship with her. He's no saint believe me but I'm not trying to make him look wrong or bad. There are 2 people in an argument & whilst I don't condone her saying she hated him he was part of the argument too.

OP posts:
joanmcc · 08/01/2019 15:30

whilst I don't condone her saying she hated him

Your actions (inaction?) since suggest you very much condone it.

ItsQuietTime · 08/01/2019 15:32

There's no time limit on not getting over another adult saying they hate you, it's an awful thing to say to someone and I guarantee she didn't apologise.

Your husband sounds like he's saddled with the stereotypical MIL from a sitcom except I imagine it's less funny IRL. You sound like a doormat with your Mum.

BartonHollow · 08/01/2019 15:35

I absolutely don't think your DH is out of order, though you are trying to make it so

He is clearly the long suffering son in law of a controlling MIL

When posters complain on MN about their MILs they are told they have a DH problem

In this instance your DH has a DW problem - your mother is too involved in your lives and you enable her.

diddl · 08/01/2019 15:36

"Your actions (inaction?) since suggest you very much condone it."

I have to agree with that.

How come you are back in contact if she hasn't apologised?

How did things get so bad that that is what she said?

Original poster
User3billion · 08/01/2019 15:37

It doesn't matter what I say now but I can guarantee there's nothing "poor husband" about him.

OP posts:
Miane · 08/01/2019 15:39

I’d be trying to find a compromise with your DH.

That’ll you’ll tell her about the holiday but only just before.

That you’ll give minimal details and that you won’t change anything because your mother tells you to.

And for goodness sake don’t pass her opinions on to him. He doesn’t need to know if she thinks it’s too expensive/too far/too hot etc etc

Astella22 · 08/01/2019 15:40

I find it very odd that your DH has an issue with you telling your Mam your going away. How is telling someone your going away over sharing??? It’s not like your telling her some intimate secret. Sounds like you have a nice relationship with your Mam and I’m not sure why people are knocking that.

morningconstitutional2017 · 08/01/2019 15:42

I agree that it may be a good idea not to say anything just yet but you will have to tell her at some point. She may pay you a visit and wonder why no-one is home and that would be thoughtless.

Nearer the time you could say that there was a lucky cancellation or whatever and you decided on a whim.

delboysskinandblister · 08/01/2019 15:43

I think you've answered your own thread. DH is not the one out of order.

This isn't about the holiday it is about you needing a chat with your mum to say.

''Mum, I love you but I am married and I have moved on from living at home, my husband and kids and home and holidays (our life) come first. It would be nice to keep in touch once a month or less but without the expectation. On the subject of 'hate' If you or anyone else talks to my husband or anyone else from this household again like that you will apologise because they are my family or leave us in peace permanently I'm sure you understand'

It sounds like she needs you more than you need her so I am willing to bet she will heed to your terms because she has no choice.

Butchyrestingface · 08/01/2019 15:43

You say “we got all spontaneous and took a last minute holiday, sorry I forgot to let you know in the rush!”

So, as I said, lie? I wouldn't be up for that, unless there were very strong reasons to do so.

It sounds to me like OP is in the middle of two controlling people.

TooTrueToBeGood · 08/01/2019 15:47

He doesn't need to speak to her but he has no right to tell you not to or dictate what you can and cannot say.

She will eventually find out so what are you going to say when she inevitably asks you why you didn't mention it? Are you going to lie and if so say what? Are you going to tell her that DH told you not to and how do you respond when he asks why?

She may have a habit of being overbearing but this is not the way to deal with that.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/01/2019 15:47

OOh! User You're going to have to have a long think and then probably a long and slightly uncomfortable chat with your DH.

My SIL screamed something similar at me, 20 years ago. BIL (DHs brother) added that I would never be family as I had only married in and so I should just fuck off when family discussions were being held - SIL was obviously not included in this exclusion.

I was the one who tried to persuade DH that he didn't have to cut them off because of it, I would just not rise to it, nor go round again. But he was adamant and we have had very little contact, especially since the death of their mother.

Your DH has probably held his tongue, bitten his lip on many occasions when you have allowed your DM more control over you, and therefore him and your DCs, than is right / comfortable / acceptable.

You can't just say "Oh it was an argument and that always takes 2" and step aside. This is your mother and your husband! You have to know, deep down, if anything he did deserved that response. Yu also have to know if your DM is too enmeshed in your life. Your posts say she is - you keep in touch to avoid fall out?!?

This time, rather than ignore it, use your husbands request to properly explore what YOU would really like to happen with your relationship with your DM.

Is your DH right, would you be happier if you could gain more distance, less of a parent : child relationship with her?