To think DH is being out of order.

[User3billion]

We've booked a holiday to go away at Easter & DH has said no to tell my family. He doesn't particularly like my mum - she can be quite overbearing at times.

I thought he meant not to tell them right away & I said I'd have to tell them at some point. I think it'd be rude not to let them know we're going away.

He thinks as we don't live under their roof we've no obligation to tell them & it wouldn't be rude.

So who is BU him or me?

If you go away without telling your mum, she might think you're all dead in your beds or something terrible and break in or call the police...

Because in 2019 if someone isn’t at home there is absolutely no way at all to get in touch with them otherwise...

My parents would call the police if we 'vanished' for a fortnight. They would give the DC's €'s and wish us a nice time if we went on holiday.
Surely it's normal to mention being away? I give my parents a copy of flight numbers and travel info should we be in an accident etc.

Well, if OP's DM is worried she is dead, a simple call to her mobile should be able to reassure her! I'm guessing that OP has a mobile, of course, we are in 21st century now, as my DC1 keeps reminding me.....

Ok, so having an opinion on things would get a bit wearing but what is wrong with your Mum buying your kids stuff and washing up when she comes round (unless she is implying your house is a shit tip). You must have a reasonably relationship to speak to her everyday? I would think it quite mad to not mention you have booked a holiday tbh, why does it need to be kept a secret. Surely that is the kind of thing that would drop into conversation with many people.

Massive drip feed.

'He has an inability to let that go...' 😂

I'd not let it go if my mil screamed at me that he hated me!

We once went away with my parents (DH's idea I told him that it wouldn't work as had done short breaks with previous partners) & my mother screamed at him that she hated him in the middle of a heated argument.

Did she apologise? I take it she was wholly unreasonable in the argument?

Tbh, she does sound quite challenging but it seems that most of your contact is confined to phone conversations if she doesn't drop by that often? I take it you don't have her on speaker and that your husband isn't party to these calls?

If you like talking to her on the phone, I don't see why you should reduce that, or not tell her that you're going on holiday. If she wants to voice her unwelcome opinions during the calls, that's up to you to deal with, since - presumably - your husband isn't party to the conversation.

Seeing that yu are talking with your ur mum everyday, I don’t see how how you can avoid telling her tbh.
Does your DH think she will forget about you for the length of your hols and not not Ce?

So part form the very practical, i have an issue with y Ur DH telling yu what you can and can’t do with your family, esp as it doesn’t impact on you as a family or on him. She isn’t gong to come with you. At worst she will offer to water the plants.
I have to say, I’m struggling to see what sort if problem he has with you telling them About the trip bar the fact he doesn’t see the point.

And re him having an issue with your mum.
That’s ok as long as it’s HIM who has an issue and it’s not suddenly becoming you as a family.
Because he had an argument with your mum doesn’t mean yu can’t speak with her ever again.
He would be in his own right to say he doesn’t want to meet up with her (on his own or as a family).
But he can’t stop you from speaking to her, telling her things (and choose what you tell her rather than him telling you what you can or can’t say!) and seeing her in your own.
Basically he doesn’t get to decide how to run YOUR life if it has no impact in him (which is the case with telling about the trip for example)

Because in 2019 if someone isn’t at home there is absolutely no way at all to get in touch with them otherwise...

So OP answers and her mother tells her she's being trying to get in touch/has called round to her home and no-one is there, what is OP supposed to say in response to the inevitable question "where are you?"

Should she tell the truth and say "Sardinia" or would it be reasonable for her husband to expect her to come up with some lie about "the queue in Aldi being out the door, can't see myself getting out of this shop for the next two weeks..."?

She screamed at him that she hated him. I don't blame him for holding onto that. Why on earth would he let that go? Has she ever apologised? And she has the front to bully her way into her house. I had a MIL like and she split me and him up because if he didnt do what she wanted she would silently throw her hands in the air and walk out of the room and refuse to engage except for banging kitchen cupboard doors ad refusing to speak to him until he did what she wanted. Your mum sounds a proper bully. I am surprised he has stuck around. If your mum causes an argument then you have to woman up and remind your self she has caused the strop not you or anyone else.

Your DH sounds a bloody nice bloke. Don't lose him just for your Mother who frankly cannot bear to not be centre of attention. Show some respect for your family not your rellies. This is your household and some things are private. If she starts with the dishes, you say 'Err, I don't want you to do that. I will ask when I want your help'

Sounds like we’ve found the son in law of the woman who ‘gegs in’ on all her daughters holidays .

I'm with your DH on this up to a point. Sounds like he feels a bit resentful that you are still so close with your mum, talking to her every day, when she has told him that she hates him. So you're "taking her side".
I'd be like him - I'd not want you to share anything about my life with her because why should she know any of it, especially since she's a hater?

But on the other hand, it makes practical sense to let your family know when you're away so they can keep an eye on the house and post, and do any watering etc. that needs doing.

So yeah - maybe just tell her when you're a week away from leaving, and don't tell her all the details.

Does your relationship with your mum & what you tell her impact on your husband or kids at all?

Do you moan at all about her to him?

Surely it's normal to mention being away? I give my parents a copy of flight numbers and travel info should we be in an accident etc.

What’s “normal” depends on your family. We give my parents details of flights, hotels etc. My PILs get considerably less detail.

Because they have:

Turned up on our holiday.
Cancelled our hotel booking and rebooked us somewhere else.
Called up and paid for our hotel.
Rearranged restaurant bookings.
Interfered with plans to visit family members.
Pestered us with phone calls and letters at our holiday destination.
Let themselves into our house when we were away.
Arranged to “bump into us” when we were travelling.

My DH is close to his parents. He speaks to them very regularly. We see them regularly.

However our lives are considerably easier when all information is carefully edited.

Some of us don't like being talked about to relatives - I would cringe when I heard my DMum on the phone to Granny every week, telling her what I had done (and don't get me started on her telling about when I got my first period!)
If OP's DH has a tricky history with OP's DMum, I can see why he would hate every aspect of their joint lives being discussed in minute detail. Because let's face it, if you chat every day, you will end up discussing every single thing. No thanks, not for me.

Should she tell the truth and say "Sardinia" or would it be reasonable for her husband to expect her to come up with some lie about "the queue in Aldi being out the door, can't see myself getting out of this shop for the next two weeks..."?

This made me

Trying to imagine how "my MIL screamed at me during an argument that she hated me and my husband is upset I won't let it go" would far on here?

Womanchild.

i'm surprised DH hasn't put the house on the market and gone abroad. You need to let go of a mum that behaves this way. Fine if she's nice and knows boundaries and I think that's where you DH was coming from when he kindly invited her on holiday all those years ago but frankly he's a saint for getting hitched to someone with that type of MIL. Count yourself very very lucky.

I wouldn;t want to share my plans about anything with someone who has told me they hate me. I'd be civil for the sake of keeping the peace but that would be it. Your DH can't tell you not to talk to your Mum every day if that's what you want to do, but i can see that he might not want someone who hates him and 'has an opinion on everything' offering her views on his holiday.

My BIL yelled at me that I was a fucking bitch and should fuck off back to where I came from - that was 3 years ago and I haven't let it go one iota. No reason why I should! He's an utter arsehole.

MIL thinks I should forget about it and be civil to make her life easier. All that that remark achieved was making the relationship between me and her worse.

DH didn't get involved. Haven't forgiven him for that yet either, but it only has an impact when the fuckwit turns up at our house. I keep telling DH to tell him to sod off and never show up here again, but he says he "can't".

I have a lot of sympathy with your DH.

The argument was 10 years ago, 10 years! We've had 2 more children since then & a hell of a lot has happened in those 10 years.

He's generally at work when my mum calls or when I call her & conversation is usually about the kids and/or my elderly Nan.

How was it resolved? How did your mother apologise and how did you defend your dh?

It is OK for your mum to be upset with you. Really it is OK. Normal even. You don't have to manage her emotions for her.

Why are you so scared of the completely normal situation of your mum being a bit annoyed with you?

Having carefully read the OPs update ...

I'm with the DH :)

You've admitted yourself that you don't know quite how to break out from under her control OP. Why not take a lead from your DH and start by not telling her the details of your plans until much nearer the time you go? Baby steps. It can take ages to wriggle out from unpleasant relationship habits with relatives. Start with being a little less available to her on a small scale. Skip one of these visits (which you dread) because you're busy with something else. Skip a daily phone call or two. It's doable without a big falling out. Google 'Grey Rock'.