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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selfish bastard

96 replies

Attackofthepoonami · 08/01/2019 11:30

Mum to a toddler and 25wks pregnant with baby number two.

I have an anxiety disorder that can be quite debilitating when it plays up and last night I had a series of triggers which resulted in a drawn out anxiety attack and I just couldn't switch off and sleep.

DP has been hovering for sex which I wasn't in the mood for, for obvious reasons, but got it out of the way with so I could try to rest.

He returns to the living room next door (it's a flat) to play on his console again at about 12pm, I remind him to get some rest as it's not looking promising for me being able to sleep anytime soon so I'd really appreciate if he was able to get up with toddler in the morning because I'm not feeling great and can't do it on no sleep. A rare lay in would be very helpful. I never get one. He said no problem.

I spend the next five hours tossing and turning in bed unable to sleep, feeling anxious and panicky, mind racing etc. Hearing him on the console in the next room wasn't helping.

I finally go through at 5am and ask him to get some rest because it's not fair on me being the one to get up with DS all of the time if I'm struggling. He says he'll get up with him and he's coming off the console in a minute. I hear that all the time and I always end up being the one to get up for this exact reason when he's off work.

I return to bed and after another hour and half, finally drifting off at 6:30ish am. Low and behold two hours later DS is awake crying, DP is blissfully snoring away as apparently he can't hear him. I have to get up and begin the day after 2 hours of broken sleep, still very much anxious, exhausted and angry whie he's had a nice leisurely night of gaming.

I'm really annoyed. Aibu To be?

I don't mind being told I'm BU but I don't feel like it right now..

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 08/01/2019 11:32

I'd be absolutely bloody fuming.

What is he, a teenager? Doesn't he have a job to go to? Why does he have to stay up until 6.30 am playing games?

supadupapupascupa · 08/01/2019 11:33

That is unbelievable! I would wake him, tell him you’re off out, leave the child. And repeat until he gets it!! I would also go to bed early and leave him to do bedtime!

KatnissMellark · 08/01/2019 11:33

He's a knob. Take DS into him and go somewhere quiet for the day, coffee and a book somewhere and out your feet up. You cant sleep in a coffee shop but you can definitely rest.

Original poster
Attackofthepoonami · 08/01/2019 11:34

He's in his thirties.

He works 5dpw but yesterday and today are his days off.

I've no idea why he insists on spending so long on the console when he gets chance it's ridiculous.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 08/01/2019 11:34

I've just reread and noticed you're pregnant, too. He needs a really good talking to.

HollowTalk · 08/01/2019 11:35

I wouldn't leave a toddler with him - he'll just sleep on the sofa and not mind the toddler.

Celebelly · 08/01/2019 11:36

Yeah, I got annoyed at 'hovering for sex' and it got worse from there Sad

Original poster
Attackofthepoonami · 08/01/2019 11:36

Unfortunately I don't feel comfortable leaving DS with him when he (DP) hasn't slept as he's got form for nodding off and being hard to rouse.

I've got in one morning to find DS who was about 8 months at the time playing with a mop and bucket outside the bedroom door unattended whilst DP was snoring on the sofa having fallen asleep.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 08/01/2019 11:37

Never get sex ”out of the way”
He sounds like an annoying teenager

needsleepzzz · 08/01/2019 11:38

You are so NOT being unreasonable! I would get DS to wake him up then you go out and leave them for a few hours

Bellasorellaa · 08/01/2019 11:39

Did he suddenly start acting like this?

ifoundthebread · 08/01/2019 11:41

You wernt in the mood for sex for obvious reasons and the you got it out the way just to keep him happy. There is multiple issues here op, you need to discuss all of them.

Original poster
Attackofthepoonami · 08/01/2019 11:42

It's nothing new if I'm honest, we've had all of this before but it was nipped in the bud post DS being born.

Old habits are creeping back in now.

He works hard so uses his console as his down time, which is fine, but to sit on it all night long and affect the following day for everybody else isn't on IMO.

OP posts:
Nothininmenoggin · 08/01/2019 11:42

He sounds extremely childish " hovering for sex" and playing on the Xbox. This is the behaviour of a bloody teenager. I'd be having a serious chat with this chancer. Good luck and look after yourself for the rest of your pregnancy as it sounds like you will not be able to depend on him. Flowers

trulybadlydeeply · 08/01/2019 11:43

He sounds absolutely pathetic.

He was pestering you for sex, so you felt you have to do it to "get it out the way"? Appalling. If you do one thing OP, only ever consent to sex again when YOU want to.

He's not a partner and he's not a father. What exactly does he bring to this relationship?

oscambercat · 08/01/2019 11:44

YANBU! That is appalling behavior!

Floralgizelle · 08/01/2019 11:45

Could you maybe sit and have a chat with him, my partner works 5 days a week and our 2 year old still wakes everynight. We take turns in getting up i do through the week as he has work and he does weekends, he has a lie in on a saturday, i have a lie in on a sunday. We try to stick to that as best as possible unless of course someone is poorly or if he has a work trip away with a long drive but he then pulls his weight when he gets home. We always try to be considerate of the other as if one of you is exhausted and the other not pulling their weight you will just start to resent each other. Hope you get sorted and get your well deserved lie in.

WhenLifeGivesYouLemonsx · 08/01/2019 11:46

Does he work? Sounds like a lazy prick.

blackteasplease · 08/01/2019 11:47

Never get sex out of the way. Only do it if you positively want to.

He sounds awful and really inconsiderate of your needs when pg with his child!

WhenLifeGivesYouLemonsx · 08/01/2019 11:47

Sorry I just saw he works! Still no excuse to act like that. What's going to happen when you have the little one arriving? That's two you'll have to cope with while he gets to be all cosy and chill out on his gaming console!

trulybadlydeeply · 08/01/2019 11:49

Actually, he sounds like he has many symptoms of an addiction (from Psychology Today):

Symptoms of Addiction
Recurrent use of a substance or engagement with an activity leading to impairment or distress, is the sine qua non of an addictive disorder. The diagnosis is based on the presence of at least two of a number of features:

The substance or activity is used in larger amounts or for a longer period of time than was intended.
There is a desire to cut down on use or unsuccessful efforts to do so.
Pursuit of the substance or activity or recovery from its use consumes a significant amount of time.
There is a craving or strong desire to use the substance or activity.
Use of the substance or activity disrupts role obligations at work, school, or home.
Use of the substance or activity continues despite the social or interpersonal problems it causes.
Participation in important social, work, or recreational activities drops or stops.
Use occurs in situations where it is physically risky.
Use continues despite knowing it is causing or exacerbating physical or psychological problems.
Tolerance occurs, indicated either by need for markedly increased amounts of the substance to achieve the desired effect or markedly diminished effect of the same amount of substance.
Withdrawal occurs, manifest either in the presence of physiological withdrawal symptoms or the taking of a related substance to block them.

The severity of the condition is gauged by the number of symptoms present. The presence of two to three symptoms generally indicates a mild condition; four to five symptoms indicate a moderate disorder. When six or more symptoms are present, the condition is considered severe.

There appears to be evidence of most of those symptoms. Not that it is an excuse for being an appalling, waste of space, manchild. But I suspect this is developing into a significant problem.

Quartz2208 · 08/01/2019 11:49

you are undereacting to this

His wife is struggling so what does he do, he pesters her for sex until he gets his way at which point he plays on the console for 6-7 hrs (which on its own as a man with responsibilities is just - I have no word for it) then he sleeps

You need to get annoyed and do something - because this is no way to live and I wonder how much HE is causing your anxiety

VimFuego101 · 08/01/2019 11:49

What would he do/ how would he behave if you didn't have sex with him? You having to 'get it out the way' sounds quite sinister.

Justaboy · 08/01/2019 11:50

One of my DD's partners is a games addict she thinks its less of an evil than drinking and gambing and shes says at least he's not out womanisng either but hey-ho! she lurves him all the same;!

Original poster
Attackofthepoonami · 08/01/2019 11:50

He's up now pottering about, changing the bin and sweeping up etc. He can tell I'm pissed off so this is his way of saying "look I'm up, I'm helping" Hmm

OP posts: