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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Selfish bastard

96 replies

Attackofthepoonami · 08/01/2019 11:30

Mum to a toddler and 25wks pregnant with baby number two.

I have an anxiety disorder that can be quite debilitating when it plays up and last night I had a series of triggers which resulted in a drawn out anxiety attack and I just couldn't switch off and sleep.

DP has been hovering for sex which I wasn't in the mood for, for obvious reasons, but got it out of the way with so I could try to rest.

He returns to the living room next door (it's a flat) to play on his console again at about 12pm, I remind him to get some rest as it's not looking promising for me being able to sleep anytime soon so I'd really appreciate if he was able to get up with toddler in the morning because I'm not feeling great and can't do it on no sleep. A rare lay in would be very helpful. I never get one. He said no problem.

I spend the next five hours tossing and turning in bed unable to sleep, feeling anxious and panicky, mind racing etc. Hearing him on the console in the next room wasn't helping.

I finally go through at 5am and ask him to get some rest because it's not fair on me being the one to get up with DS all of the time if I'm struggling. He says he'll get up with him and he's coming off the console in a minute. I hear that all the time and I always end up being the one to get up for this exact reason when he's off work.

I return to bed and after another hour and half, finally drifting off at 6:30ish am. Low and behold two hours later DS is awake crying, DP is blissfully snoring away as apparently he can't hear him. I have to get up and begin the day after 2 hours of broken sleep, still very much anxious, exhausted and angry whie he's had a nice leisurely night of gaming.

I'm really annoyed. Aibu To be?

I don't mind being told I'm BU but I don't feel like it right now..

OP posts:

AornisHades · 09/01/2019 00:15

I don't want him thinking it's normal to sit and waste days away playing games.
It's not that it's normal that you should be worrying about. Some parents and children play games together and that works. The problem is that his need to game comes before any of you.
Your need to sleep comes behind taking care of your children.
His need to game comes before taking care of your children.

MaryDollNesbitt · 09/01/2019 00:20

The Xbox would suffer an unfortunate accident were it me, something ... poetic, like having DS mop it with soapy water while I was busy ‘napping’

In all seriousness, I’d give him the choice, OP. The Xbox can vacate the flat, or he can. I simply couldn’t put up with such selfish behaviour. Life’s too bloody short!

quizqueen · 09/01/2019 00:24

Why exactly did you chose to have another child with this man when you have two already! Your real child and him, that is.

AnoukSpirit · 09/01/2019 00:24

I got wind of him moaning about the lack of sex when I was pregnant with DS and It made me self conscious and feel like a shitty partner.

This is sinister, though. And along with the rest of what you've described is classic sexual coercion.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

One day of more or less pulling his weight so he can say "look how hard I tried" doesn't really outweigh every other day of disrespecting and mistreating you.

PinaColada1 · 09/01/2019 00:26

Kick him out if bed. Get him up.

No matter how long it takes, get that selfish toe rag up.

My DP has done this. A few times. Only thing that gets through is getting him up. Banging loudly. Music full blast if need be. Hoovering. Make him get you breakfast and glare at him. Use your anger to show him it’s really selfish, by not backing down.

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2019 00:28

I do it for his benefit most of the time.

and he leaves the headset on? Hope it's never in the bedroom...

He's a creep at best and a useless piece of an excuse for a husband and father.

Why do you put up with it? Is it your anxiety?

BlackPrism · 09/01/2019 00:31

I would honesty leave him for that. Who stays up until 5am? University students. I don't condone violence but would have played something v loud on my phone right next to his ear.
How dare he.

BlackPrism · 09/01/2019 00:38

Also, having sex with someone to get it over with is not ok. You should never do that. Would he do that? He's dusgusting if he enjoys sex with n unenthused partner

BlackPrism · 09/01/2019 00:51

I'd also snap his headset

Nunya · 09/01/2019 01:55

YOU didn’t make the way your husband is with sex sound sinister, OP; it is. What type of man hovers for sex with his wife (in between video game rounds) when she is struggling with being exhausted from taking care of child number 1 while pregnant with dc2 and having insomnia & anxiety? He has already been told that the nonstop gaming is an issue in the past so why did it start up again if you nipped it in the bud before? This behavior that he is exhibiting is not that of a man who is putting his family first yet you’re putting his wants and desires way above your basic needs, even when it comes to having unwanted sex just to “get it over with” so you can attempt to sleep, only to be awoken or kept awake by his selfish desire to loudly play video games next to your bedroom all night long with no care or understanding that it is greatly affecting your ability to get any sleep or rest. No wonder you’re having such anxiety issues with him around! You are definitely NOT the shitty partner here, OP!!

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 09/01/2019 06:52

Either the console goes or he does. Why didn’t you wake him up? I would have. He sounds awful either way

Tiredemma · 09/01/2019 06:56

He sounds pathetic. Everything you described would be a huge turn off for me.

2019Dancerz · 09/01/2019 07:06

Why couldn’t he take the toddler to the farm when he got up and let you sleep? More useful than a bit of housework and continuing to game.
It’s hard not to imagine that your anxiety symptoms would be improved at least in part by not being treated this way.

yesyesyep · 09/01/2019 07:18

Your DS will grow up having the same issues you are having with your partner.

Doing all the lovely stuff in between gaming is still not ok. He's still prioritising gaming, he's just fitting you in. It won't last. Gaming is an addiction and it's pretty ugly.

Don't feel bad about laying down some rules. Sit down together and set times he can play it, it's out of hand right now and he must see that too. If he doesn't agree, or it doesn't change, you have to think if leaving him might be the best option for your family.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 09/01/2019 08:40

My husband has never gamed. My previous partner did and I found it really unattractive. The sitting on the headset shouting at 14yo boys and calling them idiots was just such a turn off. My husband has the occasional game of Tetris on his phone. OP, no exaggeration when I say I would leave him for this.

Oh, and my DH lets me have both lie-ins on a weekend because he recognises that being with the kids all week is hard and that along with some autoimmune health issues, that means I need the sleep more than he does. And he’s a busy manager in a professional job. But he sees that I’m struggling a lot of the time and he helps. Your partner should be doing the same.

pickingdaisies · 09/01/2019 09:03

"A bit rapey"???

GummyGoddess · 09/01/2019 09:20

It isn't the gaming. It's the excessive gaming.

It's a hobby like watching the television. I bet nobody would decide to break the remote or television 'accidentally'

Honestly, what is wrong with you all suggesting she break his things? If a man accidentally on purpose ripped up his wife's book as she spent too much time reading (which is just as absorbing as gaming), you would be up in arms.

He needs to reduce the gaming, it's ridiculous to spend that amount of time on it when it causes him to break his promises.

Costacoffeeplease · 09/01/2019 09:23

I wouldn’t put up with the coercive sex and I wouldn’t put up with a partner spending all his time gaming while we had a young child/baby due

He’s a childish little shit, send him back to his mum until he grows up

trulybadlydeeply · 09/01/2019 10:32

Attackofthepoonami did you see the information I posted yesterday about addiction? From the little you have said about him, he appears to show most of the signs of being addicted to gaming. Have you discussed this with him? He needs to address this to stop it becoming more of a problem than it already is. Are you ever going to be able to leave him with the toddler and the baby? What if you need to stay in hospital for 2-3 days after giving birth, will be be able to safely care for your DS?

Original poster

Attackofthepoonami · 09/01/2019 12:02

I do think he has an addiction to the online gaming without a doubt. He doesn't seem to 'just' play for an hour when he does.

I'm not going to destroy the console or headset because I'll never hear the end of it, he'll be on a forum complaining about me if I did that no doubt I'm going to speak to him today and say it's clearly becoming a problem again.

When I put my foot down he does listen but I don't like the fact it has to come to that, it would be nice if he used his initiative without needing to be told.

OP posts:

BlooperReel · 09/01/2019 12:05

The console would have been launched out of the window to be honest. Selfish, man-child behaviour.

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