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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selfish bastard

96 replies

Attackofthepoonami · 08/01/2019 11:30

Mum to a toddler and 25wks pregnant with baby number two.

I have an anxiety disorder that can be quite debilitating when it plays up and last night I had a series of triggers which resulted in a drawn out anxiety attack and I just couldn't switch off and sleep.

DP has been hovering for sex which I wasn't in the mood for, for obvious reasons, but got it out of the way with so I could try to rest.

He returns to the living room next door (it's a flat) to play on his console again at about 12pm, I remind him to get some rest as it's not looking promising for me being able to sleep anytime soon so I'd really appreciate if he was able to get up with toddler in the morning because I'm not feeling great and can't do it on no sleep. A rare lay in would be very helpful. I never get one. He said no problem.

I spend the next five hours tossing and turning in bed unable to sleep, feeling anxious and panicky, mind racing etc. Hearing him on the console in the next room wasn't helping.

I finally go through at 5am and ask him to get some rest because it's not fair on me being the one to get up with DS all of the time if I'm struggling. He says he'll get up with him and he's coming off the console in a minute. I hear that all the time and I always end up being the one to get up for this exact reason when he's off work.

I return to bed and after another hour and half, finally drifting off at 6:30ish am. Low and behold two hours later DS is awake crying, DP is blissfully snoring away as apparently he can't hear him. I have to get up and begin the day after 2 hours of broken sleep, still very much anxious, exhausted and angry whie he's had a nice leisurely night of gaming.

I'm really annoyed. Aibu To be?

I don't mind being told I'm BU but I don't feel like it right now..

OP posts:
Mynewbeddingiscosy1 · 08/01/2019 13:37

Www

Original poster
Attackofthepoonami · 08/01/2019 14:45

He does have a job but he's got two days off. I wanted to take toddler to the city farm today but instead the day has been wasted and no quality family time as usual.

I've just been catching an hours nap on the sofa whilst DS had his afternoon nap and I've been woken again by him talking through his game headset to his mate online.

That's another thing that annoys me, he leaves the headset on so people can hear everything that's being said at home. I was talking to him last night low and behold his mate could hear everything I was saying. No privacy, no respect.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 08/01/2019 15:39

So again he is playing rather than doing anything round the house - or have family time

And he makes you feel guilty so you pander to his needs

What do you get out of being with him (and please dont say he is a good father because he isnt!)

endofthelinefinally · 08/01/2019 15:52

He brings nothing to your relationship.
Your anxiety would probably improve if he wasn't there IMO.
You need to sort out your finances and living arrangements.
I am so sorry you ended up with this overgrown child.

Hurradieweltgehtunter · 08/01/2019 18:30

Have you spoken to him about his behaviour? I am sure he has/will make lots of excuses and counter accusations and get defensive if/when you bring this up, but the bottom line is he is not showing you respect, his attitude towards you and his responsibilites is appalling. You already have a child together that he should be taking equal care of and he should be showing you extra consideration given you are pregnant. He has forced you into further sleep deprivation for the sake of his pleasure! You should be a team together and you shouldn't have to repeatedly ask for him to step up to those responsibilities / show you basic consideration - he should do it if he is a decent human being! He sounds like a petulant child trying to avoid work, not a caring partner and father.

Brittanyspears · 08/01/2019 22:10

I am unreasonable perhaps, but i also know my worth. That headset and console would be smashed on the driveway.
What do your friends and family think to his behaviour and your relationship?

Guineapiglet345 · 08/01/2019 22:21

Sounds a bit rapey to me.

yesyesyep · 08/01/2019 22:25

You're living with a man child. I've done this. The games console and the pestering for sex is no way to live. I can still hear the bloody headset! All we saw was the back of his head.

Then he'd come to bed, I'd be shattered from doing the childcare, and try and get me in the mood for sex. I could always say no, and I did sometimes, but it was easier just to get it over and done with.

This was my life.

But that was 10-15 years ago. That relationship was doomed from the start. He had a shit temper on him too.

You don't need to live like this. You can change your future.

Maelstrop · 08/01/2019 22:32

He sounds like the kids in my form, who are 12. Talking to his mate through the headset,staying up all night to play on the console. Man child.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 08/01/2019 22:33

Well, I can see why you have anxiety. What a shit bag he is.

Merryoldgoat · 08/01/2019 22:37

I imagine your anxiety would improve immensely if you weren’t with him.

How men like this can keep partners is beyond me.

You are massively under reacting to his childish and irresponsible personality and actions.

Original poster
Attackofthepoonami · 08/01/2019 22:44

He's back on the Xbox, again.

I feel conflicted for moaning because aside this he has been pulling his weight. He cooked tea, sorted DS's meals and did the bulk of childcare today so I could at least try to relax, and he's been convincingly apologetic for disrupting my sleep last night. He did all of that in between gaming.

It's not really the point though is it? It's not normal to spend near on all of his free time on that bloody game. It does impact family life. We have zero chance of getting out on his mornings off and doing anything If he's sat up until 5am bashing zombies or whatever it is he does.

He's got an online friend who he games with, the friend is unemployed and sits online all day and night.

Is it any wonder I can't be bothered with sex half the time.

OP posts:
ShiningSally · 08/01/2019 22:55

How on earth are you both going to cope with 2 young children?

PerfectPeony · 08/01/2019 23:00

I’d find it so unattractive for a grown man to be playing a game all night like a 14 year old child. Until I started reading Mumsnet I had no idea that so many seem to do this!

I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so anxious. Flowers It sounds like he may be a cause of your anxiety. Is he usually so selfish?

It would be an ultimatum for me- I go or the game goes.

Original poster
Attackofthepoonami · 08/01/2019 23:19

The gaming lark came to a head before when DS was very young. I sat down and calmly asked him which of the two he felt that he spent more time looking at, our newborn or his console games.

He didn't like it because it forced him to look at his behaviour and he got defensive, but it worked and he massively reduced the gaming to the point he rarely bothered to play and all was OK.

Old habits are returning now.

I agree that he undoubtedly contributes to my anxiety.

OP posts:
Original poster
Attackofthepoonami · 08/01/2019 23:25

Fwiw I'm a good mum and manage my anxiety pretty well the majority of the time, it's peaked at the moment because of outside stressors beyond my control.

In general it doesn't affect my DS and even when I am having a shit day he will never know about it.

OP posts:
AornisHades · 08/01/2019 23:42

It's all very well for you to cope and shield your dc now but they will notice soon that their dad is more interested in the xbox than them. It's an addiction.
I have no doubt you're a good mum..
I have no doubt he's not a great partner or dad.

Original poster
Attackofthepoonami · 08/01/2019 23:46

It does worry me as DS is getting older I don't want him thinking it's normal to sit and waste days away playing games. It needs to be nipped in the bud again pronto so I'll have a serious talk about it tomorrow.

OP posts:
Nunya · 08/01/2019 23:46

I got wind of him moaning about the lack of sex when I was pregnant with DS and It made me self conscious and feel like a shitty partner.

 ^^?!?? YOU feel like you’re the shitty partner!?? I agree with the PP who said they got annoyed at “hovering for sex” and it got way worse from there! Good grief! You’re doing it to “get it out of the way” and only for his benefit most of the time?

OP, usually when I can’t sleep and am having anxiety issues, sex can help by relaxing me and helping me to fall asleep. That would’ve been my husband’s goal. Then again, I would not be doing it for his benefit if I wasn’t actually interested and enjoying it. He wouldn’t want me to. There’s no way that my husband would then get up to play video games all night instead of being ready to help as he had agreed to.

puzzledlady · 08/01/2019 23:47

Jesus. Why are you with such a child - a grown adult gaming all night when his poor wife is pregnant and struggling with anxiety? What a catch he is. And the fact he’s ‘made up for it’ by cleaning and cooking - there is nothing to ‘make up for’ these are normal things he should be doing. He sounds absolutely useless. I won’t even mention the ‘hovering’ for sex. How could he even think about sex when his wife is clearly struggling?! Sorry Op - he sounds awful.

SushiMonster · 08/01/2019 23:48

What on earth possessed you to get PG for a second time with this useless lump? Two are going to be even harder than one!

Rosielily · 08/01/2019 23:58

He cooked tea, sorted DS's meals and did the bulk of childcare today so I could at least try to relax, and he's been convincingly apologetic for disrupting my sleep last night. He did all of that in between gaming.

That's kind of him.......

Calzone · 09/01/2019 00:05

I agree with SushiMonster.

Why would you get pregnant again? Why?

He sounds awful.

Original poster
Attackofthepoonami · 09/01/2019 00:10

The excessive gaming had stopped long before I got pregnant with our second, it's only started up again recently.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 09/01/2019 00:12

Drop that headset in the bath next time you run one. Easily done to lose or break something when you're worn out from anxiety and sleep deprivation.

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