Mother of the groom .. wedding seating plan

[Watershipdrown]

Sorry but this may turn into an essay as I don’t want to drip feed.
Ds is getting married in 3 months time and was discussing the seating plan with his ds asking where she would like to sit etc. It came out that I am apparently sitting on the top table with exh next to me, as parents of the groom. Exh and I have been divorced for 23 years and I have been remarried to a wonderful man for 20 years. I haven’t spoken to exh in probably 15 years after police involvement for harassing me and making threats. My dh raised my 3 children as his own and we also have a son together. He has always treated the children as if they were his own, providing everything that they needed and wanted, while exh couldn’t even be bothered to keep up contact with them, despite living 20 mins drive away from us. Exh did not contribute anything in terms of maintenance for them, he did not turn up for visits and at one point told my dh to legally adopt them so that he would not be responsible for any money that they might need, all the while demanding a say in ridiculous things such as if they needed a haircut, I was expected to ask permission. Exh was controlling and physically and emotionally abusive and I was honestly relieved that he couldn’t be bothered to keep up contact, however I never tried to stop him, even though I probably should have. He was never threatening to the children but they witnessed some of his dv towards me. There was very little contact until ds was over 18 and could go into a pub and drink alcohol. They have built a shaky relationship now and I’m fine with that.
I am really hurt that dh has been relegated to a table with some other relatives and I really do not want to sit next to my exh at all. Dh is unaware of the seating plan and I can’t bring myself to tell him. I know how much he will be hurt and shocked as they have always had a great relationship.
I have tried to speak to ds about this and explain how uncomfortable this will be, but he’s adamant that it’s traditional and how they (Dil and ds) want it. I have said I would be fine not being on the top table, or exh and his partner being on it and dh and me perhaps at the other end but he will not change the plans. Dd has now fallen out with ds over this and told him just how wrong and incredibly inconsiderate it is to treat dh this way.
I know it’s their wedding and they can do what they like, seat people wherever they want etc. I know how hard it is to seat everyone and please everyone, but I do not want to be seated apart from dh to sit next to a man that made my life a living hell for years. AIBU ?

Some people on here fucking disgusting I'm disappointed in the human race this morning that think a woman should have to sit anywhere near the man that abused her and caused a trauma .you lot of sick bastard sometimes aren't you. And yep I am being a matic bit like beating someone up isn't it just a tiny bit dramatic just tiny it traumatic get a grip people

But at least autocorrect has taken the Puff and anger out of my sails and made me laugh at the amount of grammatical errors in my post

No OP you should not be expected to sit next to the abusive arsehole.
I can't believe some of the posts on here. Clearly the posters telling you to suck it up and behave amicably have never been abused or known anyone who is a victim of domestic abuse.

What's the betting your Ex has already done a number on your son and this is why this grotesque situation has arisen in the first place?

If my dad beat my mum I never never forgive him

@Veterinari I'm not sure why you've included my comment that I would happily sit next to my exH who didn't abuse me in your "disgusting" statements post. I said that to point out that the OP's situation was entirely different to mine and SwingOfThing's situation ie agreeing with you!

@Veterinari ignore me! I see why you did now - because Swing quoted me. I really do need more coffee!

@Swingofthings I can assure you that if he had beaten and abused me I would not be sitting next to him making small talk. Ever. And I don't think anyone should expect me to.

Cuntcuntcunt you can't help how you feel, but it is tragic that you feel ashamed that someone abused you, when the shame should of course be entirely theirs. I would have no trouble telling my ex where he got off with such sneaky touching, for example, but I am not you and my ex is not your ex. I am no more a better person than you because I would be able to give him an earful, than you are a better person than me because you would be able to refrain from giving him an earful. We do what we can and what we feel we have to at the time. It is not your fault. (Nor mine.)

You should have told your DS the level of abuse that you suffered long ago.

As a Mum of Adult children, I wouldn't do it just before the Wedding, you'd ruin it for everyone. It would make it all about you.

Tell your DH, see what his reaction is. Would he allow this to effect their relationship?

The Bio Dad will one day show his true colours and be gone again.

I'd consider the bigger picture.

My in laws are divorced but we wanted a traditional top table. INstead of sitting them together we sat:

My mum
Fil
groom
Bride
My dad
MIL

We then sat their partners with other relatives of DH.

Yanbu. If you or your dh choose never to attend this wedding I dont blame you. Your dil needs to take care of her side and your ds sorts his. And by sorting his, he should take into consideration the wishes of his mother and his step dad who raised him. Maybe your ds needs to hear the cold , hard truth about what happened so he is fully aware and can take responsibility for the decision he chooses to make.

OP if you care for you ds, let it go and leave him to have the wedding he wants. You can make an effort for a couple of hours, sitting next to your ex won't be the end of the world.

Have you been a victim of domestic violence yourself? I seriously doubt it. If her Ds had half an ounce of cop on he would never put his mother in this position in the first place.

OP, your DS is being very unthinking here.

Set aside that their version of traditional is incorrect.

He is asking you to sit beside someone he knows has hurt you. That is enough to throw tradition to the winds.

We had a fractured family to fit onto the top table. DHs DF sat beside mine. So our top table had DH, his mum, stepdad and DB(best man). My side went me, DF, DM, DHsDF and my DS on the first seat at the corner!

DHsDFs new partner was really understanding and happily sat next to SIL.

I'd never have asked MIL to sit next to her ex... neither of them would have enjoyed that and SFIL would have had a field day (bombastic drunk!). Not nasty but a bit limelight hogging!

it is extremely disappointing when divorced parents cannot put their child first for 1 day and behave amicably.

It's even more disappointing that a grown woman should be expected to sit next to a person who assaulted her repeatedly simply because "It's their day".

I get on fabulously with my ExH. We spend time together often. However, he never beat me or assaulted me, and I don't for one second buy into this "it's not the end of the world" "put your child first" bollocks when abuse is concerned. Get a grip on yourself and understand how bloody awful it is to have to even be in the same room as someone like that. Fool.

This happened 15 years ago oh that’s ok then. It wouldn’t have been a problem if he’d have killed her; he’d have been out of prison by Now and able to attend the wedding.
There is some of the worst internalised misogyny towards other women that I’ve seen for a long time on this thread.

I'm shocked that he has put 'tradition' over his own mum and what she has done for him all his life. Your DD is right to have a go at him, he should have instantly realised and said 'you're right, I can't do that to my mum'.

I'd be more sad to think that he had turned out this way, rather than the kind loving young man I thought I had raised.

I had a similar issue when our dd married. All of my 3 children are with first h but it was not happy marriage and he cheated on me and stole a lot of money form our business to spend on his gf. Then he refused to pay child maintenance for any of the dc. Eventually this got taken out of his salary but only after a lot of shit. My dh brought up younger two as his own, eldest at uni so she did not see how good my dh was with her difficult teen brother. When dd got married she married a person with a Mum and Step Dad and Dad and Step Mum My xh did not have partner at time so she had 7 parents/step parents to seat. I was upset she chose to try to seat me with my xh. She did not want her Dad to sit alone as he did not bring a partner. I refused and so did her future inlaws as she had put x partners together. Eventually we agreed she have a small top table with bride, groom, 2 best men and 5 bridesmaids on and everyone else sat at round tables. Much better solution as no one uncomfortable.

There seem to be a bit of dramatisation here. OP has said she isnt afraid of her ex any longer and would be uncomfortable but would do it if she had to.

Did you miss this? These are not the words of someone who wants to do this on any level at all.

It probably sounds very dramatic but even thinking that I will have to sit next to him for a few hours and make small talk makes me feel sick and anxious and and I start to shake. I’m thrown right back to the time we were married and the anxiety that I used to feel is resurfacing.

i never wanted to go over the past with the children, probably more for my benefit than theirs, but that was my mistake I guess. I am just going to be straight and say that I will not sit there, but I hadn’t even thought about the church. Dd is older than ds and therefore remembers much more, she has no real relationship with her df, they see each other maybe once a year, if that and rarely speak on the phone. Exh has never bothered to try to have any real part in her life and she is very happy with this. Her 1st ds is named after my dh. What. I’m trying to say is that exh has had no influence on her whatsoever and she is fiercely loyal to my dh. I don’t know for certain what input exh has had in the wedding so can’t say whether he has declared it a great idea or not, but I do know he will be filled with glee that dh is sat at another table. It was easy to kid myself that I am over everything that happened years ago and to the poster who said take a long hard look at yourself, I haven’t taken your words unkindly at all, I understand what you mean and I have thought back. What I found is that somewhere inside me still is the terrified, young mother and wife of this abusive man. I have not really had to face it as had no contact for years and have been able to rebuild my life, but faced with being in such close proximity, it is all I can think about. I am able to be in the same room ( I think, for the sake of ds)but not sat next to him. Ds is not insane, when dd told him how selfish and incredibly inconsiderate this was I’m sure he was just digging his heels in against his ds. When I asked for seating to be moved, I wasn’t explicit enough perhaps, although I didn’t think I would have to be. I haven’t made any requests about the wedding apart from this, so it isn’t that either. As I said before I want them to have the day they always wanted, just not at the cost of my mh and the relationship with dsf.

You have to sit them both down as she is probably stressed about a few of the details and you need her to know why too (also she deserves to know what her bio fil is like; he’s not her father and she can make her own choices about the level of relationship to have) . You need to be very clear he was violent to you and you wont sit next to him, it makes you ill even thinking about it. I’d add I know you don’t know all the details, of course I tried to shield you from them and I’m so grateful that seems to have worked and that dh & I have been able to give you a real childhood, but now you are getting married yourself, and you probably think I am being difficult. I’m not, I love you very much, but I cannot do this thing.

If either of them know and they still want this seating then I would step back from it all, as they are horrible human beings.

And this is exactly what you need to tell your DS. Although he will always be your son, he is now a grown man and once you give him all the information, he will have to be responsible for his decisions. The vast majority of posters here have told you that you are not being unreasonable at all, so please take strength from this and protect yourself, your DD and your DH.

"She did not want her Dad to sit alone as he did not bring a partner. I refused and so did her future inlaws as she had put x partners together. Eventually we agreed she have a small top table with bride, groom, 2 best men and 5 bridesmaids on and everyone else sat at round tables. Much better solution as no one uncomfortable."

Sorry caringcarer, but on the face of it that just sounds to me like the bride and groom's parents and step-parents were awkward and difficult. Unless there are significant issues (as in the OP's case), couldn't you all have sucked it up for a couple of hours whilst you ate?

Just an unnecessary situation to put a couple planning their wedding in, IMO.

I really hope that your son doesn't know the full extent of what happened between yourself and your Ex. If he does then he is behaving in a most disgusting manner towards you, completely running roughshod over your feelings for the sake of one day.

OP, if your DS and DIL2B refuse to change their minds about this, then I would politely decline the option of sitting at the head table and sit with your husband. There's no way I'd be giving your Ex a further opportunity to abuse you and to ruin the day for you. From what you've been describing even having him in the same place is going to reignite a lot of old pain for you.

For the posters telling the OP to suck it up and sit next to her Ex you should all be ashamed of yourselves! For god sake, why should she have to sit next to someone who physically and mentally abused her just so that her son can play happy families for the day. It's absolute bollocks. All this 'it's only one day' bullshit really pisses me off. It's no excuse to behave like an absolute arse.

Watershipdrown you've said that the police were involved, do you still have any of the paperwork or stuff from solicitors and the like?
Because having them with you when you go to speak to them both will help them to see how serious it was and make it all a bit more "real".
I'm recently married myself, table plans* are indeed a pain, but you protecting your mental health is NOT being a pain. That you still want to go at all is a testament to the love you have for your son. All the best.

*We had a sweetheart table, allocated tables not seats and didn't invite anyone abusive (as no contact). Worked well.

We made it very easy on ourselves and had no table plan! Tables of 10 and people could choose who they sat next to - so much easier and no stress!