Mother of the groom .. wedding seating plan

[Watershipdrown]

Sorry but this may turn into an essay as I don’t want to drip feed.
Ds is getting married in 3 months time and was discussing the seating plan with his ds asking where she would like to sit etc. It came out that I am apparently sitting on the top table with exh next to me, as parents of the groom. Exh and I have been divorced for 23 years and I have been remarried to a wonderful man for 20 years. I haven’t spoken to exh in probably 15 years after police involvement for harassing me and making threats. My dh raised my 3 children as his own and we also have a son together. He has always treated the children as if they were his own, providing everything that they needed and wanted, while exh couldn’t even be bothered to keep up contact with them, despite living 20 mins drive away from us. Exh did not contribute anything in terms of maintenance for them, he did not turn up for visits and at one point told my dh to legally adopt them so that he would not be responsible for any money that they might need, all the while demanding a say in ridiculous things such as if they needed a haircut, I was expected to ask permission. Exh was controlling and physically and emotionally abusive and I was honestly relieved that he couldn’t be bothered to keep up contact, however I never tried to stop him, even though I probably should have. He was never threatening to the children but they witnessed some of his dv towards me. There was very little contact until ds was over 18 and could go into a pub and drink alcohol. They have built a shaky relationship now and I’m fine with that.
I am really hurt that dh has been relegated to a table with some other relatives and I really do not want to sit next to my exh at all. Dh is unaware of the seating plan and I can’t bring myself to tell him. I know how much he will be hurt and shocked as they have always had a great relationship.
I have tried to speak to ds about this and explain how uncomfortable this will be, but he’s adamant that it’s traditional and how they (Dil and ds) want it. I have said I would be fine not being on the top table, or exh and his partner being on it and dh and me perhaps at the other end but he will not change the plans. Dd has now fallen out with ds over this and told him just how wrong and incredibly inconsiderate it is to treat dh this way.
I know it’s their wedding and they can do what they like, seat people wherever they want etc. I know how hard it is to seat everyone and please everyone, but I do not want to be seated apart from dh to sit next to a man that made my life a living hell for years. AIBU ?

What is your relationship like with your dil's parents? Would you be able to get them on board with encouraging their dd and your ds to see how unreasonable seating you next to your abuser would be?

Irrespective of your current dh, the obvious solution would be the traditional set up of you sitting with dil's dad and her mum sitting with your ex. If nothing else it is a compromise which still has everyone your son wants on the top table.

@swingofthings

did you miss the bit that the son is insisting she sit next to her abuser?

she doesnt have to make any fucken effort to sit politely next to the cunt who for years abused her!!!!

@swingofthings while I feel sorry that you had all that hassle, this is not the same situation at all.

I'd happily sit next to my exH. But he didn't beat or abuse me

I can understand why the stepdad would be hurt, and why he and a lot of people in the family might think that the stepson should have done things differently. I can understand people thinking that the stepson should value his stepdad's contribution to his upbringing over his bio dad's, and that they will likely judge him for his approach.

But ultimately you can't force stepson to see those relationships in a different light. I think Kikipost hit the nail on the head. And I think you'd be on a hiding to nothing making a song and dance about it. You'll just be seen to be asking him to choose.

However, IMO stepdad is fully within his rights to reconsider how supportive of his adult stepson he is inclined to be going forwards though. And to be honest about why. I'm not advocating no repurcussions of the stepson's actions towards his stepdad.

Is there a reason why your son could be testing you?

My husband and his mother had a very complicated relationship their entire lives, literally since the day he was born. She didn't attend our wedding, she had her reasons, and Dh didn't speak a single word to her for 8 years. From his perspective she always put her wants and comfort before anybody elses. She did and sometimes it was warrented but sometimes it was just pure selfishness. After a while it all blurs together. Our wedding, imo, she had a good reason and Dh could have seen that at the time if it wasn't a boy who cried wolf situation, if she hadn't failed to be there, physically and metophorically, one too many times. Deep down I know he always knew she could not come under the circumstances but it was a final test for her. It took 8 years of no contact and her willing to sacrifice her comfort and admit and own the past for them to move on and by that time the damage had been done and it was too late to rebuild their relationship.

What I'm trying to say is do some soul searching. Is there a reason why your son is doing what he is? Actually look at it long and hard. MIL couldn't admit it at the time either, she probably thought that DH was being horrible and everything was rainbows and lollipops but it wasn't. Just like she had her reasons, dh had his reasons. One of you need to be adult enough to address them. The fact your son has his father there and not sf is a strong inducation of where they lie. You don't want to end up like my dh and mil.

YABU
Firstly- the way you see your ex is clearly not the way your DS sees him. You chose your ex as DS's biological father- you can't just disappear him now !

Secondly it is extremely disappointing when divorced parents cannot put their child first for 1 day and behave amicably.

The OP isn't asking her DS to disappear him. She just doesn't want to sit next to him. I know divorced parents who have behaved amicably for a day. This is slightly different. Would I sit next to someone who beat the shit out of me for the sake of amicability? A big fat NO.

Perhaps the OP has shielded her DS from the real truth for a very long time. Perhaps the exH has spun a story to the DS.

@Lose2StoneObviously
maybe you can forgive a man who beat the fuck out of you for years and happily play happy family but why should the OP be forced to do so?
she has said she already has shaking from the thought of it, she still fears this man, its deeply ingrained in her, he did that to her!
what the fuck is it with all these women on here saying she should suck it up?????
what the fuck is wrong with you!!!!!
Abuser apologists!!!!

There is absolutely no way that you should have to sit beside a man who physically assaulted you. It's completely unreasonable to ask you to. Having a wedding doesn't give you the right to ignore basic human decency and courtesy.

This happened 15 years ago. They don't have to discuss the past, don't have to talk more than make polite conversation, just put aside their own feelings for the benefit of their son for a couple of hours. Is it really that impossible to do?

Are you for real? I divorced my abusive ex 25 years ago and I'm still in therapy now. If my DD invited him to the wedding there'd be no discussion of seating because there's no way I'd be going at all. Thankfully she's not self absorbed.

@swingofthings
my mother wouldnt sit in the same room as my father and its been 42 years
he used to beat her good
my first memory of him is beating the fuck out of her because he didn't see the expensive steak sitting on the side waiting for him and he thought she had made canned instant food for him, no that was for us, so he wiped the plates to the floor and smashed all the plates and dinner and then proceeded to punch and kick her until she was unconscious
she was lucky she got out
she still wouldn't be in the same room as him let alone sit next to him, and nor would i ask it of her
would you force a woman to sit next to her rapist and enjoy a meal? cause its the same thing 5 years 10 years 50 years it doesn't matter you don't force someone to make nice with their abuser and you dont apologize for him when he most likely hasn't

Such a shame

This happened 15 years ago. They don't have to discuss the past, don't have to talk more than make polite conversation, just put aside their own feelings for the benefit of their son for a couple of hours. Is it really that impossible to do?

This is insane, OP has been through an enormously traumatic event with her ex and should not have to ignore her feelings and make polite conversation. Her son shouldn't ask OP to "put her feelings aside" he should have some level of basic consideration for his mum.

Swing i’n Going to assume that you’re not being a deliberate GF but it is difficult to believe that someone could be so obtuse in real life.

I'd happily sit next to my exH. But he didn't beat or abuse me

This happened 15 years ago. They don't have to discuss the past, don't have to talk more than make polite conversation, just put aside their own feelings for the benefit of their son for a couple of hours. Is it really that impossible to do?

This is quite possibly one of the most disgusting things i’ve Read on MN. You’ve clearly never been abused. And the short answer is Yes it is that fucking hard. Especially when it’s a completely avoidable situation.

Why the fuck should the OP have to sit next to her abuser?
Cos DS wants to pretend to have some kind of Disney family for the day? Then he needs to grow up and accept his reality - that his Dad is an abusive arsehole, and that he’s crapping all over the people who have raised him, or
Because abusive arsehole ex is engineering this situation via his son as yet another form of control, in which case it’s extremely important that DS realises he’s being ‘played’ and makes a sensible decision about that

And also, if you want a wedding where you don't have to consider anybody's feelings and ignore basic obligations, then please do bugger off to Vegas! Seriously, he seems more concerned at projecting the perfect image than actually realising how lucky he is! Your situation could have ended very differently, he needs to remember that.

what the fuck is it with all these women on here saying she should suck it up?????

I doubt they're all women.

Your ds sounds like a horrible, uncaring git tbh. I’m so sorry, I know he’s your DS and I’d be very disappointed if someone said that about one of my ds’s, but he’s being ridiculous and nasty.

I think you need to have some extremely firm words with him

Tbh, even if it was ignorence at this point the ship has sailed thanks to dd sticking her beak where it doesn't belong and trying to force step dad to the top table. Now anything said about Daddy dearest is going to be precieved as malicious manipulating mum lying to get her own way again and startin drama and making the wedding all about her.

I doubt they're all women

No, No they certainly are not

it is extremely disappointing when divorced parents cannot put their child first for 1 day and behave amicably.

It's even more disappointing when a child can't think about how a parent might be feeling for just one day.

This is quite possibly one of the most disgusting things i’ve Read on MN. You’ve clearly never been abused
There seem to be a bit of dramatisation here. OP has said she isnt afraid of her ex any longer and would be uncomfortable but would do it if she had to.

She didn't say she was so traumatised that she'll have to refuse and not sit at the top table.

There's a difference between not being able to do something at all and not liking it. If the former, then fair enough, it can be discussed, if the latter than yes, I think OP should bear it for the two hours or so.

@Knittedjest
What are you talking about? It's her stepfather too, and she might just have the insight to the fact her birth father was an abusive bastard, and yet the man who raised her is being pushed aside in favour of him. And to make it worse her DM is expected to sit next to him! Honestly that is the most ridiculous comment.

I've never told my children the extent of their father's abuse of me. Because I was ashamed.

That means I'll be in the op situation some day. He still delights in subtly tormenting me. Put dwns. He knows I have asked him not to touch me and he takes my arm to guide me through the door, or touches my hand when he walks past. Or manspreads if we are sitting beside each other.

I suck it up but by god it is HARD.

Also. Your ds being 4 at the time you left would have a very different idea of what constitutes abuse. At 4, abuse would be taking his lollipop away from him.

It's probably not the right time but now he is an adult he does need a frank discussion of exactly what his father did to you. It might not change how he feels, and tbh it doesn't have to - the man is still his father. But at least he won't be able to hide behind the rose tinted glasses of his 4 year old self.