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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother of the groom .. wedding seating plan

433 replies

Watershipdrown · 07/01/2019 21:47

Sorry but this may turn into an essay as I don’t want to drip feed.
Ds is getting married in 3 months time and was discussing the seating plan with his ds asking where she would like to sit etc. It came out that I am apparently sitting on the top table with exh next to me, as parents of the groom. Exh and I have been divorced for 23 years and I have been remarried to a wonderful man for 20 years. I haven’t spoken to exh in probably 15 years after police involvement for harassing me and making threats. My dh raised my 3 children as his own and we also have a son together. He has always treated the children as if they were his own, providing everything that they needed and wanted, while exh couldn’t even be bothered to keep up contact with them, despite living 20 mins drive away from us. Exh did not contribute anything in terms of maintenance for them, he did not turn up for visits and at one point told my dh to legally adopt them so that he would not be responsible for any money that they might need, all the while demanding a say in ridiculous things such as if they needed a haircut, I was expected to ask permission. Exh was controlling and physically and emotionally abusive and I was honestly relieved that he couldn’t be bothered to keep up contact, however I never tried to stop him, even though I probably should have. He was never threatening to the children but they witnessed some of his dv towards me. There was very little contact until ds was over 18 and could go into a pub and drink alcohol. They have built a shaky relationship now and I’m fine with that.
I am really hurt that dh has been relegated to a table with some other relatives and I really do not want to sit next to my exh at all. Dh is unaware of the seating plan and I can’t bring myself to tell him. I know how much he will be hurt and shocked as they have always had a great relationship.
I have tried to speak to ds about this and explain how uncomfortable this will be, but he’s adamant that it’s traditional and how they (Dil and ds) want it. I have said I would be fine not being on the top table, or exh and his partner being on it and dh and me perhaps at the other end but he will not change the plans. Dd has now fallen out with ds over this and told him just how wrong and incredibly inconsiderate it is to treat dh this way.
I know it’s their wedding and they can do what they like, seat people wherever they want etc. I know how hard it is to seat everyone and please everyone, but I do not want to be seated apart from dh to sit next to a man that made my life a living hell for years. AIBU ?

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 08/01/2019 09:31

Ok, fair enough, elvis86. I still think most people would rather sit by their partners at a wedding though. Obviously. if someone is in the bridal party, it might not be possible, but I think it is usual to seat couples together.

it's very odd to sit two Exes together if their partners are also attending. If it were me, I'd allow both partners of the Ex's to sit at the top table and separate them. That would seem the most sensitive way to approach it.

nellieellie · 08/01/2019 09:31

I think as you say OP, distressing as it is for your DH to be excluded from top table, it’s your DS’s decision, albeit a shite one.
However, totally with you on the ex. Non negotiable. I don’t think it’s a question of asking to be moved, more stating that you just cannot sit next to him. It sounds as though you have kept to yourself the detail of what happened, and no doubt your DS has heard your ex’s version of events. I think all you need to say is that things happened which he does not know about which mean you just cannot have him that close to you. He needs to accept that. Good luck.

Ninjafox · 08/01/2019 09:39

Seating plan arrangements are also to make people sit with people they will be comfortable with. I checked with parents on both sides about family and who they thought would gel well. He's being very unreasonable.

Nanny0gg · 08/01/2019 09:39

I don't get why ExDH is being given pride of place here(But their table arrangement makes no sense anyway). Is he back in DS's life now?

elvis86 · 08/01/2019 09:40

BlackCatSleeping - if it were me and my parents were separated, personally I wouldn't imagine that I'd seat them together either. Even if the split was amicable. But generally I think couple reserve the right to have the seating plan they want at their wedding - in the absence of extenuating circumstances, I don't think guests should make demands about who they'd like to sit with.

I was giving the OP's son the benefit of the doubt - if he doesn't appreciate the abuse OP suffered, he might just want his mum and dad next to him, the same as his wife will have hers.

If he does know, then that's a different situation.

I've seen a lot of friends have to navigate seperated parents and step-parents' demanding behaviour over weddings, and I just think it's really unfair when it's purely a case of bickering exes who can't bite their tongue for a day and celebrate their child's happiness.

However that is completely different to the OP's situation. She can't tolerate being sat next to this man - 100% agree.

dinkystinky · 08/01/2019 09:40

I'm sorry your DS is being so insensitive OP as to deliberately chose to sit you next to a man that abused you. I think you should lay it out for him and explain that you have no issue with your ex being at the top table but simply, due to your history with him, can not sit next to him and it would work better for all concerned if they can go with the traditional line up of you next to bride's father. If they refuse, then simply refuse to sit at the top table and sit with your husband elsewhere.

ApolloandDaphne · 08/01/2019 09:41

You are absolutely not being unreasonable OP. Would it maybe help to set out in writing what happened between you and your ex and why you feel as you do about sitting next to him. You could e mail it to your DS and suggest you meet up with him and his partner to discuss it further and see if you can reach a good compromise on the top table seating?

Veterinari · 08/01/2019 09:44

OP I think you need to be explicitly clear to them that they are asking you to sit next to a man that physically assaulted you and abused you for years and whilst you respect their decision you’d like to know WHY this is necessary.

It’s not because of tradition because as PP have pointed out this is not a traditional seating plan.
So then it comes down to your son’s/DIL’s personal preferences and they need to be aware that essentially they are asking you to sit next to your abuser ‘because that’s what they want’. And how absurd, selfish and and disrespectful this is.

Is your son perhaps clinging to some romantic notion of a ‘nuclear family’? Is it possible that your ex has engineered this by asking your son for it as a way to exert control?

I’d be asking them both clearly WHY this particular seating arrangement is so important to them when it relies on causing you so much distress

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 08/01/2019 09:47

Tbh, I think your son could do with some home truths. You can do it 'nicely' but he does need to hear the truth about both the DV (even if you don't share everything) and the way his father has behaved over the years.
What your son does now, will affect family relationships for ever - with you, your DH, his sister. It really isn't about one day.
If your son can hear the truth and not change his mind, then you know what kind of man he is and can go from there. For me, I wouldn't attend a wedding where my son cared so little for my wellbeing.
But I think truth is a good place to start - he needs the unvarnished version, including what his dad said about your DH taking the kids off his hands.

Til89 · 08/01/2019 09:49

That is really disrespectful to your DH. And there’s no way I’d be sitting with the ex. You need to be completely honest with your son until he accepts you can’t sit there.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/01/2019 09:50

Oh OP what a horrible situation. I really feel for you and I'm so sorry that you're feeling so anxious about having to sit next to this arsehole

I think @BackforGood 's advice was really good. Is there anyone who knows the ins and outs of what this man did to you that can have a quiet but firm word with your DS?

BlackCatSleeping · 08/01/2019 09:50

I wonder what the Ex's new partner thinks of it all? It just sounds like it's going to be really awkward for everyone.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 08/01/2019 09:53

You're going to have to to what you don't want to do; be very explicit with your son about why you will not sit with him. I would also throw in that he is treating his stepdad in a disgusting manner, that's the man who raised him and supported him. Not your ex.

Your son is being selifhs, and frankly, behaving disgracefully. I wouldnt hold back.

Charron · 08/01/2019 09:53

Many weddings don’t have top tables now days. The parents of the bride and groom sit at tables with other family members near the top table but with the regular tables.

Drum2018 · 08/01/2019 09:53

Traditional my arse - I suppose they have both held onto their virginity for the wedding night too! If they can't even get the traditional table setting correct then they are talking out of their arses. Be very firm when you tell them that there is no way in hell you will sit beside your abusive exh and make no room for negotiation. Beware that they could agree to keep the peace for now but still have you seated beside the prick on the day. Make sure you sit on the other side of the table and do not give in for the sake of their precious bloody demands. This is most definitely a situation where it is Not a case of their day, their decision. Your son needs to grow up!

Kikipost · 08/01/2019 09:53

The very fact that your DS has put his father on the top table and put your DH elsewhere reveals that your DS has a different perspective to you on two important issues:-

A) his close he is to his step father I.e not as close as you think
B) his relationship with this biological father ie much closer than you think

TigerTooth · 08/01/2019 09:54

No, you should not have to sit next to abusive ExH - Tell your son that you will sit with DH. Your DS is being bloody mean Imo.

MumW · 08/01/2019 10:02

Can you not say that you'd really not like to remember their special day as the time you we're put in a vunerable position next to your abusive ex. You'd like to enjoy their wedding breakfast rather than be on tenterhooks the entire meal. Although disappointed for your DH, you accept that it is their choice to put bio Dad on top table but you do not want to sit next to him.

I think that your DS is being rather cruel and should show a little empathy towards you. Perhaps now is the time to enlighten him of what bio Dad was like towards you.

Flowers I really hope you don't end up having to put yourself through this.

swingofthings · 08/01/2019 10:02

I was you ds 5 years ago. Divorced parents, father with wife in my life since I was 8 and trying to work the top table. It was a nightmare. Do I have my dad sitti g next to me or my dad. If dad, do I have my SM next to him and mum next to her even though they have always hated eachother. Do I get my SM sitting at a top table on her own despite knowing no one and a language barrier.

I'm the end, I was going to have my mum near me rather thdn my dad but the venue messed up and my mum was at the end of the table. She got very upset, I couldn't say until the end it wasn't my doing and not sure she believed and all it did was put pressure on me taking me back to being a kid and feing torn apart.

OP if you care for you ds, let it go and leave him to have the wedding he wants. You can make an effort for a couple of hours, sitting next to your ex won't be the end of the world.

Celtic1hair · 08/01/2019 10:03

Oh OP what an awful situation. You have obviously tried to protect your children from the horrors of their fathers behaviour and this is how you are repaid!
I really would reconsider your approach of not pushing for your DH to sit at the top table. If I was you I would explain exactly why you WONT be sitting next to your ex, and all of the effects his behaviour had on you, emphasising everything your DH did to give you all a wonderful life. Your son doesn't get to be so disrespectful to the man who actually raised him in such a way. Honestly I do not understand why people think they can behave however they want just for one day because it is their wedding- im sure in the future it will be to you and your DH they turn if they actually need anything. Don't make it easy for him to make the bad decisions which will impact on his relationship with the people who actually matter.

ittakes2 · 08/01/2019 10:04

Normally I am very much its the bride and groom's day they can choose what they want....but on this occasion they are being incredibly insensitive and yanbu. I'm sorry this is happening. Do you know the bride's mum well? Could you have a chat to her? She might be more understanding and prepared to chat to her daughter.
I'm sorry I don't think its fair to ask you to suck this one up - you might have to insist on not sitting at the top table but with your hubby.

moredoll · 08/01/2019 10:04

YANBU
In your position I would explain to your DD that the situation is what it is and you won't be sitting next to your abuser. They have to deal with the reality of the situation not what they think it should be.

What's happening with the photographs?

Will the family group be DIL, her parents, DS, you and the man who raised him or does he expect you to pose next to your abuser while they're making memories?

MumW · 08/01/2019 10:05

maybe point out to the bride that the reason your DS is the man he is and not at all like his bio dad is because of the unconditional love and support that his DSD gave him over the last 20 years

Bluelady · 08/01/2019 10:08

What an awful situation. If it were me I'd tell my son that there is one single aspect of his wedding that is non negotiable and that is sitting next to your ex. Happy to sit at the top table next to anyone except him, happy to sit at another table, happy with any other solution he wants to propose but not this. And make it clear that if he won't plan accordingly then you will simply sit elsewhere on the day, regardless of his plans.

SoupDragon · 08/01/2019 10:10

Ds was only 4 when I left exh and he is aware that it was an abusive relationship but probably not the extent of things that happened.

In that case I do think you need to be mor blunt about it, as you said. He most likely doesn't get it and most likely hasn't explained anything to his fiancée.

I would sit them down and say you really want me to sit next to the man that beat me?

I think that this is straight to the point and doesn't need any detail added.