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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother of the groom .. wedding seating plan

433 replies

Watershipdrown · 07/01/2019 21:47

Sorry but this may turn into an essay as I don’t want to drip feed.
Ds is getting married in 3 months time and was discussing the seating plan with his ds asking where she would like to sit etc. It came out that I am apparently sitting on the top table with exh next to me, as parents of the groom. Exh and I have been divorced for 23 years and I have been remarried to a wonderful man for 20 years. I haven’t spoken to exh in probably 15 years after police involvement for harassing me and making threats. My dh raised my 3 children as his own and we also have a son together. He has always treated the children as if they were his own, providing everything that they needed and wanted, while exh couldn’t even be bothered to keep up contact with them, despite living 20 mins drive away from us. Exh did not contribute anything in terms of maintenance for them, he did not turn up for visits and at one point told my dh to legally adopt them so that he would not be responsible for any money that they might need, all the while demanding a say in ridiculous things such as if they needed a haircut, I was expected to ask permission. Exh was controlling and physically and emotionally abusive and I was honestly relieved that he couldn’t be bothered to keep up contact, however I never tried to stop him, even though I probably should have. He was never threatening to the children but they witnessed some of his dv towards me. There was very little contact until ds was over 18 and could go into a pub and drink alcohol. They have built a shaky relationship now and I’m fine with that.
I am really hurt that dh has been relegated to a table with some other relatives and I really do not want to sit next to my exh at all. Dh is unaware of the seating plan and I can’t bring myself to tell him. I know how much he will be hurt and shocked as they have always had a great relationship.
I have tried to speak to ds about this and explain how uncomfortable this will be, but he’s adamant that it’s traditional and how they (Dil and ds) want it. I have said I would be fine not being on the top table, or exh and his partner being on it and dh and me perhaps at the other end but he will not change the plans. Dd has now fallen out with ds over this and told him just how wrong and incredibly inconsiderate it is to treat dh this way.
I know it’s their wedding and they can do what they like, seat people wherever they want etc. I know how hard it is to seat everyone and please everyone, but I do not want to be seated apart from dh to sit next to a man that made my life a living hell for years. AIBU ?

OP posts:
tillytrotter1 · 09/01/2019 18:50

We had this at our daughter's wedding, her new FIL was unhappy that his wife was not seated at the top table, she was sitting at a table with friends of ours. I said that these days relationships are so fractious that it would need a very large top table to accommodate all the parents and steps. What I didn't tell him was that his wife was probably having more fun than I was!

SusanneLinder · 09/01/2019 19:26

Even worse, its not just about the seating. What about the photos? The first dance! Are you going to be expected to dance with your ex? Sounds horrendous!

Original poster
Watershipdrown · 09/01/2019 21:28

Thank you all so much for your support. I won’t see ds till Saturday now as he is away till then, but I will be telling him that the seating plan is just not acceptable to me and if I need to I will explain exactly why.

Omg I can’t believe yahoo... I have never once said I’m furious, I’m distressed, hurt, anxious and worried but the only thing I’m furious at is the fact that they can just interpret my post however they like,talentless bloody journalists !... but at least it wasn’t the daily fail 😬

OP posts:
derxa · 09/01/2019 21:43

Just swap the place cards. It's not a big deal.

timeisnotaline · 09/01/2019 22:09

Op, why only ‘and if I need to I will explain exactly why’
I think you do need to and should leave that conversation knowing 100% that he was violent to you. He sounds like he would much rather pretend it’s nothing and you are being a pain in the butt unless you say it in one syllable words that he can’t deny. In any case, he is old enough to know. His wife also deserves to know what her fil is as your son is pushing such close contact.
My concern is if you haven’t planned clearly telling them that you might leave without being able to tell them. And they don’t change the seating plan.

Graphista · 09/01/2019 22:20

I agree with timeisnotaline time he knew what his "father" is really like.

He's big enough to get married and try to ride roughshod over the parents who DID raise and support him he's bloody big enough to hear the truth!

anniehm · 09/01/2019 22:21

Whilst I understand how awkward this is, not wanting step parents at the top table is a problem (where the biological parent is still alive and attending) we have a similar dilemma (not a wedding) as dd doesn't want my step fil to use one of her allocation of places because she can't stand him!) really we have to respect the person who is arranging the event to have who they want (or don't want in our case).

BumbleBeee69 · 09/01/2019 23:28

Good luck OP I hope your son relents when you explain the finer points to him.

Lose2StoneObviously · 09/01/2019 23:33

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Lose2StoneObviously · 09/01/2019 23:35

Just swap the place cards. It's not a big deal

so stupoid I don't know where to begin!

moredoll · 09/01/2019 23:36

@Lose2StoneObviously

Rtft ffs.

NameChange457 · 09/01/2019 23:40

@Lose2StoneObviously
I haven’t spoken to exh in probably 15 years after police involvement for harassing me and making threats.

Which part of that do you not understand?

GreenTulips · 09/01/2019 23:47

FGS can't you just grin and bear it for a couple of jhours for your son's sake

Well maybe she should’ve just stayed married to this arsewipe ‘for the kids sake’?
Clearly very selfish not to suck up sitting next to an abuser for the sake of a few hours ‘celebrating’! Maybe they should just kiss and make up for old times sake?

LizzieSiddal · 10/01/2019 02:48

Watership, hope it goes well on Saturday.Flowers

Itssosunnyout · 10/01/2019 04:21

Yanbu

I can't believe how unsupportive some people are being. Clearly a lot of posters need to have awareness of the impact of domestic abuse and the real fear and trauma is causes. To even be in that horrendous perpetrators presence will cause undue stress to you but to have to be forced to sit next to him would beyond cruel.

I hope it goes well for you and your son takes what you have to speak to him about and does the right thing. You've done well to not badmouth father but your children are grown up so your son should know the reason why you dont want anything to do with his father. You never know what he has been saying to your son about your break up. These kind of horrendous excuses for people will manipulate and control to get what they want. They genuinely have no empathy and feed on power and control.

If after explaining everything and giving your son time to process it he still wants you to sit next to your ex I think you need to reevaluate the situation and just state that you will not be at the top table. Also prepare yourself to have a supportive person to speak to after you have this conversation with your son.

Your mental and physical health can be severely affected and this can have an untold impact on you.

Good luck

SusanneLinder · 10/01/2019 06:05

@Lose2Stoneobviously
Not really sure what you don't understand about the fact her ex abused her and had to get the police involved. You obviously ( and thankfully) , have never been in an abusive relationship and wouldn't understand what a big deal this is.
This is NOT like sitting beside Aunty Mary cos she picks her teeth..Hmm.
As a member of a wedding party, she will be expected to smile in photos with him, and be in a first dance with him..
Your lack of understanding in this is baffling.

TheNavigator · 10/01/2019 06:32

My partner is in a very similar position. His son gets married this summer, and his DIL has put him besides his ex wife (mother of his son). They have been divorced 18 years, and whilst there was no violence, it's certainly been very frosty. I have been placed with ex-wife's new husband, and several other relatives.

This is completely different and your partner should certainly be gracious for the sake of his son, who did not choose to have divorced parents and shouldn't be expected to include partners on the top table, if they don't wish to.

The OP's case is not comparable because she was the victim of domestic violence. Despite that, unlike your partner, she is not bleating about the unfairness of not having her husband at the top table, her only complaint is having to sit right next to her abuser.

Good luck on Saturday OP, it will be difficult for your son to process, so I think give him a bit of time and I am sure it will work out.

PickledChutney · 10/01/2019 06:51

Just say no, you will not sit there and they will have to seat you elsewhere if they want you at the wedding. It's not a negotiation. Just because it's their wedding, it doesn't mean that they can ruin your day.

Bekabeech · 10/01/2019 07:01

I totally agree with Pickled Chutney. They have a choice: use a traditional seating plan so you are sat next to the father of the Bride, sit you on the top table with a groomsman, put your DH on the top table, or let you sit on another table with your DH. And I would speak to both of them, making it crystal clear why you are not prepared to sit next to him and the reason why.
If you have contact with her parents I would be tempted to let them know why too.

swingofthings · 10/01/2019 07:59

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Raspberry88 · 10/01/2019 08:20

swingofthings
The only people making demands here are the OPs DS and DIL. This is why I just hate 'proper' weddings. They don't need to have a top table...they don't need to insist on a seating plan. They are being extremely rude to the OPs DH...the man that raised her DS. You obviously don't fully understand the issue or the effects of domestic abuse.

SoupDragon · 10/01/2019 08:37

What don't you stick to saying that you feel quite uncomfortable sitting next to him due to previous problems and also would rather sit with your dh but you don't want to make things complicated for him and his future wife and will be absolutely fine not seating at the top table.

Matter resolved.

How is it going to be resolved given she's already said just that?

he's adamant that it’s traditional and how they (Dil and ds) want it. I have said I would be fine not being on the top table, or exh and his partner being on it and dh and me perhaps at the other end but he will not change the plans.

Pillowaddict · 10/01/2019 08:53

I'm afraid you're protecting the wrong person by not being upfront and honest about your ex's behaviour in the past. Agree with pp that you shouldn't inform your ds "if needed", but make a point of telling him. It's part of his life story too, and he deserves to know, just as you deserve to ensure there's no question of yoi being "petty" or "awkward" or a "guestzilla".

Some posters should educate themselves on the impact of trauma, or at the very least try to find some empathy for people who have been through terrible, anxiety inducing incidents they're clearly priveliged not to have experienced.
My heart goes out to you, and your dh, and I truly hope your ds will apologise when faced with the facts, and amend the plan. I also agree your future dil should be involved in this conversation, both to support ds in hearing difficult truths, but also to get the full picture and perspective so you know there's no lack of understanding or confusion on her part. Best of luck for Saturday!

ArialAnna · 10/01/2019 09:17

Best of luck for Saturday OP!

Nanny0gg · 10/01/2019 09:22

God, there's some really hard of thinking people on this thread.

And the DS and his fiance also need to look up how a top table should be arranged if they want to follow the 'rules', because theirs doesn't.