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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother of the groom .. wedding seating plan

433 replies

Watershipdrown · 07/01/2019 21:47

Sorry but this may turn into an essay as I don’t want to drip feed.
Ds is getting married in 3 months time and was discussing the seating plan with his ds asking where she would like to sit etc. It came out that I am apparently sitting on the top table with exh next to me, as parents of the groom. Exh and I have been divorced for 23 years and I have been remarried to a wonderful man for 20 years. I haven’t spoken to exh in probably 15 years after police involvement for harassing me and making threats. My dh raised my 3 children as his own and we also have a son together. He has always treated the children as if they were his own, providing everything that they needed and wanted, while exh couldn’t even be bothered to keep up contact with them, despite living 20 mins drive away from us. Exh did not contribute anything in terms of maintenance for them, he did not turn up for visits and at one point told my dh to legally adopt them so that he would not be responsible for any money that they might need, all the while demanding a say in ridiculous things such as if they needed a haircut, I was expected to ask permission. Exh was controlling and physically and emotionally abusive and I was honestly relieved that he couldn’t be bothered to keep up contact, however I never tried to stop him, even though I probably should have. He was never threatening to the children but they witnessed some of his dv towards me. There was very little contact until ds was over 18 and could go into a pub and drink alcohol. They have built a shaky relationship now and I’m fine with that.
I am really hurt that dh has been relegated to a table with some other relatives and I really do not want to sit next to my exh at all. Dh is unaware of the seating plan and I can’t bring myself to tell him. I know how much he will be hurt and shocked as they have always had a great relationship.
I have tried to speak to ds about this and explain how uncomfortable this will be, but he’s adamant that it’s traditional and how they (Dil and ds) want it. I have said I would be fine not being on the top table, or exh and his partner being on it and dh and me perhaps at the other end but he will not change the plans. Dd has now fallen out with ds over this and told him just how wrong and incredibly inconsiderate it is to treat dh this way.
I know it’s their wedding and they can do what they like, seat people wherever they want etc. I know how hard it is to seat everyone and please everyone, but I do not want to be seated apart from dh to sit next to a man that made my life a living hell for years. AIBU ?

OP posts:
FlindersKeepers · 08/01/2019 23:15

I’d imagine he’d turn up for this kind of all glory and no work parenting event. They usually do.
Agreed. And I strongly suspect that he's told the son no end of horseshit to get this invite.
Hence taking any bit of hard proof along to the discussion.

(The only other reason I can think to has this seating order is that the parents of the bride are insisting that they be seated together and this is being done to match? But horseshit appears more likely...)

moredoll · 08/01/2019 23:33

I think you really need to explain to your DH what's happening. He will be disappointed but you say he's strong enough to deal with it. Speak to your DS first but if he still doesn't get it surely your DH is the person who knows your DS well and can set him straight about the facts. Presumably your DS knows him well enough to listen. I think your ex is playing a good game of "divide and rule" here.

Vedette · 09/01/2019 01:02

I am very late to this but I just wanted to say for all of those saying you should be strong and sit next to him, that isn't being strong. It is being submissive to a man who has hurt you beyond words. Being strong is doing what you are doing and refusing to sit alongside a man who hurt you.

You need to tell your DS the truth. Don't let him think that women can be ordered what to do. Don't let him think it is acceptable to this mother to sit alongside someone who hit her. Ask him if he would let his wife do that.

I think.you are rightly feeling that again , after all these years, your ex (through your son) is contolling you and intimidating you. If your ex had any remorse he wouldn't want to sit there.

It will be an awful conversation but I think you have to tell your son everything (or as much as it will take to for him to understand). If he doesn't understand after that then you have to just say no, you will not sit there.

Regarding your DH, that is so incredibly hurtful. I would be inclined to point how much he has given your son, how lacking his own father was, and that he could acknowledge that by having him sit on the 'top table'. These 'traditions' have become so prevalent now. Perhaps a word in future DILs ear that these 'traditions' are anything but might work and that traditions like this are so 'chavvy', a really classy wedding wouldn't give a stuff about seating plans

Vedette · 09/01/2019 01:03

Sorry, that was too long!

Jamiefraserskilt · 09/01/2019 02:35

Mixing the parents is traditionally supposed to demonstrate the combining of the two families. It encourages them to speak to one another and get to know each other. Places are usually set boy/girl.

The only thing you can do is to make sure you have deep and meaningful conversations with the best man during the meal and then leave them to it as soon as the speeches are over. It is such a short time in the scale of the day, I am sure you can grey rock him for an hour. Fix that smile on and show him he no longer has either the hold or the power to affect you any more. You have to put on the greatest act....ever. if you look upon him as an insignificance and maintain a slightly bored look if he speaks to you, then he will get the message.
Accommodating step parents at the top table is super tricky. I guess he wants his own slant on the traditional.

Jamiefraserskilt · 09/01/2019 02:51

Missed your update on page 8.
You are going to have to explain to both bride and groom a potted version of what happened and request that you do a swap with bridesmaid or mil.
I am sure once he knows why, the plan will change.

BlackCatSleeping · 09/01/2019 03:22

I really don’t see why it’s that tricky to seat step parents at a table. It’s hardly an impossible task. The OP has already asked to not sit next to her Ex. A reasonable person would just think about things and move people around. It’s 2019, it’s not like people are going to be shocked or judge anyone for having step parents. It’s weirder to expect your long-divorced parents to sit there and play happy families when they don’t get along.

kateandme · 09/01/2019 03:52

just read your update op.oh you poor lady.we are all here for you(ignore the twats) I cant imagine how terrified you must be.this being brought up must bring it right back every moment every fear all there again.
pp have given some great advice on how to approach your son.and I think he needs to know.its lovely you've protected them ut this man is now brazenly coming to his ds wedding.and someone that can do this to his wife has no right to be anywhere near his victim or even to be in a room where there is happiness when he has caused o much pain.he doesn't deserve to be protected.
you take lots of care.and you are the survivor here.you won.you got away and you met someone who sounds wonderful.you give them big hugs.im glad your dd is there for you too.it must be hard for her too.your all being super brave.
you can do this.dont let him steal another moment of your happiness.

sprouts21 · 09/01/2019 03:53

Don't do it. This happened to me. It was awful and I wish I hadn't gone.

Rockmysocks · 09/01/2019 07:32

Even without the dv, who wants to sit apart from their partner and sit with somebody who is now a virtual stranger? That's rude and weird in itself. You want to be able to share your thoughts and comments with your husband rather than catch up with him when you can throughout the day.

But, ex was also violent. How can you sit next to someone that beat you and hurt you for the sake of appearances? Because it's 'tradition'? And I think your son is incredibly disloyal to your husband. That would fuck me off. He should be with you in a place of honour. I could not accept my partner being relegated by the son who received his love and care for the many years that arsehole ex ignored him for.

I have a similar back story to yours. My ex, violent, abusive, was invited to christening of grandchild despite ignoring his kids since I left him. Except my partner, who effectively brought the kids up, taking them on as his own, etc, was honoured as the grandfather.

I would be disappointed and furious with my son to put you in this awful position. It cannot make for a happy family occasion by splitting you and husband up on the day. You say husband is pragmatic. There are limits. My heart would break for him being cast aside for sperm donor deadbeat.

I would refuse to go if plans weren't changed. I could not be part of an occasion where I and my partner's feeling were so disregarded.

Rockmysocks · 09/01/2019 07:43

Tell him it's traditional for victim of DV to not have close contact with their abuser.

Italiangreyhound · 09/01/2019 09:11

OP any update. Thinking of you.

Flowers

I don't want to sound mean but I really hope too and your husband are not paying for this wedding.

Hisashiburi · 09/01/2019 09:15

First of all...I'm really sorry OP that you are in that position. I really think Yanbu as it's horrible to expect you to sit with your abusive ex. I hope you can come to a solution with your DH.

I am however a little surprised about some of the previous posts about including every step parent on the top table. I understand if they have raised you from an early age but what about those who only got together a year ago or ones who have been married longer but once you'd left home so didn't raise you or provide emotional support. We have 8 parents between us for me and DH and I saw our wedding as w chance to recognise our biological parents who had raised us, cuddled us when we were sick and gave us emotional support throughout childhood and adulthood. We love the step parents and get on well but it would have seen forced to have all those step parents on the top table for the sake of a meal for a couple of hours. They were all sat next to their own children on different tables so not as if they had no one to talk to. This is however a general comment and not specific in OP's circumstances at all. As much as people talk about blended families, I think it can sometimes can wrong to insist your partner sits at top table. They will have their own turn at their child's wedding.

When my DF got remarried , my lovely DSM had her own daughters as bridesmaids and my DF had my brother as best man. I wasn't the slightest bit put out not be in the wedding party as they are her own daughters!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/01/2019 09:23
Flowers
MaitlandGirl · 09/01/2019 10:26

Not sure if anyone else has said but OP your story is now on Facebook.

Mother of the groom .. wedding seating plan
Whattodonut · 09/01/2019 11:04

Say to your DS what you said in your last post. How you feel about it. Say its not ro make him feel guilty but it is upsetting for you.

I hope it get resolved. It sounds like you're all (minus ExH) reasonable people
Flowers

seven201 · 09/01/2019 16:43

Ugh that Facebook post is ridiculous. I've not even opened it but I'm pretty sure the op has never described herself as furious!

bastardkitty · 09/01/2019 17:18

Tell him it's traditional for victim of DV to not have close contact with their abuser.

This!

TwiceMagic · 09/01/2019 17:19

That FB post is unbelievable. Seriously Yahoo, that is inappropriate.

DubBeGoodToMe · 09/01/2019 17:29

OMG at the Yahoo title. So cross on your behalf OP, who are not BU at all. How dare they (Yahoo) compound the pain.

SusanneLinder · 09/01/2019 18:01

OP, if I were you, I'd be furious. I am in a similar family set up where am remarried and had an abusive ex. Luckily my girls want to contact with him ( not by my hand, they worked out for themselves he was a complete tosser).
If one of my girls had disrespected the man that brought them up and got sperm donor to play the "daddy " role, I'd have kicked off big style.
No way could I have sat next to my ex abuser, even for a couple of hours and would have been angry if they had even suggested it. Those who say " its only for a couple of hours" have obviously never been in an abusive relationship. It has lasting damage.
You should be sitting with your DH at the top table beside the bride's father. And ex and his wife should be with bride's mother.
I could just about tolerate being in same room as my ex, but sit beside him...no chance. I personally would rather not go.
Luckily my girls who are both married would never disrespect me like that.
Nicest thing I did see at a wedding was a father and stepdad BOTH walk the bride down the aisle. But they parted on decent terms ( no abuse), and the exh and stepdad went for a pint together.🙂

SusanneLinder · 09/01/2019 18:02

Sorry should be no contact

BumbleBeee69 · 09/01/2019 18:05

Clearly Yahoo Australia don’t sympathise with Victims of Domestic Violence, dusgusting headline.

itisitis · 09/01/2019 18:09

My partner is in a very similar position. His son gets married this summer, and his DIL has put him besides his ex wife (mother of his son). They have been divorced 18 years, and whilst there was no violence, it's certainly been very frosty. I have been placed with ex-wife's new husband, and several other relatives.

Personally I don't have a problem with it, but my partner does. I'm unable to go as no children are invited and I cannot get childcare, so no issues with where I'm sat as I've told them I won't be there (DIL thinks this is unacceptable so has left me on seating plan as I MUST find childcare). But regardless, partner feels very very uncomfortable, to the point he really doesn't want to go. So I completely sympathise.

toddlepod · 09/01/2019 18:29

OP I want to weep for you. I knew what it took for me to attend my grand daughter's christening, knowing that the shit faced dead beat ex was there. Not a penny in maintenance for my kids (I was too afraid to pursue it in case he found me), eldest son got a birthday card with a tenner in the first year we split but neither child got anything from him ever again. But I wasn't forced to sit next to him. Same church and venue afterwards but kept my distance, all the while feeling that horrible dark snake of fear and revulsion in my stomach.

Reading your post actually triggers some of that same feeling.

Your ex will love the fact that you've been separated from your husband. It will warm the cockles of his shrivelled and blackened excuse for a heart.

Don't be played, compromised or coerced into accepting the 'their day' bollocks. And don't be complicit in their fantasy, either. Their day cannot be sprinkled with sunshine when they're effectively making you his captive for the hours at the wedding. Their day can only be happy when the people they love feel honoured and proud. Not shackled to the table with an abuser who will honestly enjoy your discomfort. Handed to him on a plate by the son he did fuck all for. The irony and the insensitivity is astounding.

You have the love of a good man. Don't betray him and please don't devalue yourself for your DS and future wife.