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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband forgot First time we slept together

99 replies

user1470739004 · 07/01/2019 20:33

Husband has just admitted to not remembering the first time we slept together. Would you be annoyed? We have been together 15 years. Im really hurt but am I blowing this out of proportion?

(We are going through a very bad patch at the moment as he told me 3 weeks ago that he cheated on me (one night stand) 1 year into our relationship. Head is melted.

OP posts:

WinkysTeatowel · 07/01/2019 20:35

Honestly... I can't remember the first time with my DH. On its own I wouldn't put too much on that.

Dimsumlosesum · 07/01/2019 20:35

It obviously didn't mean all that much to him.

rainbowsss · 07/01/2019 20:35

I can't remember the first time I slept with my husband 😕

PhannyMcNee · 07/01/2019 20:36

I can’t remember the first time I slept with dh. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him or that our sex life is crap.

I can remember the night we met, the night we didn’t get together and the night we finally did but the first time we had sex, not a clue.

Beamur · 07/01/2019 20:36

I can't remember the first time DH and I did either! We've been together 15 years too.
Sounds like you're not in a good place right now though, so this perhaps matters more to you.

kaytee87 · 07/01/2019 20:36

I'd be far more upset about the cheating! In an otherwise loving relationship, this wouldn't be that big a deal. In this case it's the proverbial straw.

Sitranced · 07/01/2019 20:37

I remember our first kiss but can't remember the first time we had sex.

CrookedMe · 07/01/2019 20:38

I so wouldn't care about that! I'd take the piss out of him though

Is this really about the cheating?

elephantinstripeysocks · 07/01/2019 20:38

why did he tell you about the ONS? seems a bit odd to confess 14 years on with no pressure?

i can see your hurt but i wouldnt be bothered about the forgetting the first time. I would, however, be bothered about the ONS.

Squirrelblanket · 07/01/2019 20:40

I can't remember the first time I had sex with my husband, we have been together 14 years. I don't think it's unusual or significant in any way.

PerverseConverse · 07/01/2019 20:41

I'd be upset but I also know that all the men I've slept with have never remembered much of any significance so I'd eye roll to myself and shrug it off as best I could. I hate saying sexist things but a lot of men (not all) just don't place the same significance on things as women do. Some women don't either. I for one am very sentimental, have a very good memory, and keep things like train tickets and other moments of special times or events. I'm on the spectrum and think that's part of it. I attach a lot of meaning to things rather than people as things never let me down but people did. My memories are my comfort and proof almost or validation that something meant something. That might not make sense but hopefully you get my meaning. You might be far more sentimental than him. He might remember things that meant a lot to him that you have forgotten. I'm not saying the first time you had sex was significant to him but maybe other things about your early relationship were more significant and have take precedence in his memory stores. for you because I know it hurts.

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 07/01/2019 20:41

someone is looking for an Exit Pass imo...dropping the infidelity in and then "not remembering" your first time when it would appear to be very important to you

Largepiecesofcrookedwood · 07/01/2019 20:42

We both remember our first time (an achievement actually as DH would struggle to tell you what he had for lunch today)
What DH cannot recall at all is the time we engaged in something that he's always wanted to try, that had not quite filled me with the same sense of anticipation IYSWIM?
Admittedly it wasn't all that bad but it's not something I've added to my New Years resolutions to make a regular fixture. I'm just agog that he has no recollection of it, though in fairness we were drunk at the time

PerverseConverse · 07/01/2019 20:43

Fuck. Completely missed the bit about him cheating. I'd be inclined to think your relationship is of not much importance in general in that case. Do you want to stay with him?

Beamur · 07/01/2019 20:44

Has there been any other confessions? Or is the early infidelity the only one?

zukman · 07/01/2019 20:44

I wouldn’t be hugely worries about him not remember the first time you slept together. Although I can understand that if it’s a memory you cherish, then why that would be hurtful if he does not.

My husband told me he thought I was “fake” on our first date :)

FlagFish · 07/01/2019 20:45

I don’t remember the first time I slept with DH and I wouldn’t care if he doesn’t.

However, did you ask him or did he volunteer the information? If the latter, on top of the recently admitted infidelity, I’d wonder what was up and why he was suddenly trying to deliberately hurt me.

CustardCreamLover · 07/01/2019 20:46

I'm another one that can't remember the first time we had sex 😳. We've been together 10 years. I remember our first kiss, our first proper date, our wedding, conceiving our baby, all the important dates.

sizzledrizz · 07/01/2019 20:47

I've been married twice and remember first times with both. I have also had relationships where I don't remember.
Hope you're ok OP

canibehereifimnotamum · 07/01/2019 20:48

Me and my DH have been together 8 years I can't remember the first time either? It's really not a big deal

sue51 · 07/01/2019 20:48

Been together over 36 years. I can't remember our first date let alone the first time we slept together. Its more concerning that you dh cheated 14 years ago and thinks now is the time to bring it up.

Pachyderm1 · 07/01/2019 20:49

Not remembering when you first slept together is not an issue as far as I’m concerned but I couldn’t get over the cheating.

Imalittleelf · 07/01/2019 20:50

I remember the build up but not the actual deed....

Original poster

user1470739004 · 07/01/2019 20:50

Thank you everyone. I’m feeling fairly low at the moment so it’s good to hear not remembering isn’t all that uncommon.

@kaytee87 I’m devastated about the cheating. Even though it was 14 years ago & we were very on/off for the first year - mostly on though but broke up a couple of times for a week or 2 (we had just gotten back together when he was with the other girl)

@beamur I am in such a bad place at the moment I can’t think straight. We were working out way through the one night stand and now this.

OP posts:

sollyfromsurrey · 07/01/2019 20:51

How has he and the marriage been for the past 14 years? If it has been good then I suggest you forgive and move on. Seriously, to what benefit is ending things now as some people here are suggesting. If the past 14 years have been great, then why does something that happened once 15 years ago count more than all the subsequent 14 years? What if you had found out after 60 years of a wonderful marriage that he had cheated once 60 years ago. Would you think it would have been better to have walked away and not had those subsequent wonderful years? Would all those wonderful years become invalidated by a mistake a long time previously? People make mistakes. How has he been since?

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