Husband forgot First time we slept together

[user1470739004]

Husband has just admitted to not remembering the first time we slept together. Would you be annoyed? We have been together 15 years. Im really hurt but am I blowing this out of proportion?

(We are going through a very bad patch at the moment as he told me 3 weeks ago that he cheated on me (one night stand) 1 year into our relationship. Head is melted.

I vaguely remember the first time I slept with DH.

Your DH’s cheating would concern me more than his poor memory.

I remember your thread before Christmas, user.

I think you’re feeling all kinds of hurt at the moment. It’s understandable as this is all new information to you, and it can make you question your time together.

Do you feel he used this information to hurt you?
Do you want (or do you think) you can work through this bad patch?

To be honest (and I'll probably get flamed) I wouldn't be particularly bothered about the ONS over a decade ago, when the relationship was very on / off and I certainly wouldn't be bothered about my DP not remembering our first sexual encounter.

However OP, I would imagine your reaction is symptomatic of the state of your relationship?

I also wonder how the ONS came to light so many years down the line? Are there current trust issues?

If my DP had been a good partner for 14 years, I wouldn't hold what happened in those early days against him.

First time with DH - Don't remember, not a big deal

Cheating - normally a dealbreaker for me, but if your relationship was on / off at the time and you've been happy since then, I think there is scope to work through this

You've just lost your grandmother. Perhaps this is affecting you more than you realise. Grief is complicated, perhaps especially when you're estranged, because you realise you will never be able to repair the relationship / get the answers you wanted

@yutes - that’s right this all started a few days before Christmas at the funeral. I don’t think he necessarily told me to hurt me and yes I do WANT to sort this out but unfortunately I’m a jealous person anyway so don’t know if I can actually drop it. I’m afraid I would bring it up in every argument we have for years.

@crunchymum - you might be onto something but what exact do you mean ‘my reaction might be symtomatic of the state of our relationship’ (sorry if I’m being stupid, I just can’t think straight at the moment)

There wasn’t trust issues at such but we moved to his hometown about 2 years ago and he seems to have slept with half of the town. I was/am trying to make new friends and every couple of months he would reveal a new person. Like I’m a stay at home mom and I would tell him I was chatting to so and so at the school gates this morning and we are going for coffee Friday or I met a really nice girl at running club today and he would said ‘oh that’s a ex of mine, or I kissed/slept with her once. I knew from the beginning he had been with A LOT of women and these were all before me but it was getting to the stage that everyone I met would be able to tell me what my husband was like in bed. (This is my problem I know, we didn’t really argue about it - as nothing to do with me really - but it was like FFS another one - seriously.

It’s probably just the ‘one thing after another’ that has my head melted.

I'm 31. I can remember losing my virginity at 15, but if you asked me to tell you about any sex I had with people beyond that then I'd absolutely not be able to tell you.

I really don't think you should focus on this, it really isn't important.

The only reason I remember our first time (20 years ago) is because there was a comedy lead-up to it.

OP, I mean that your relationship isn't in a good place at present, hence you being so upset about something so far in the past.

I've been with DP 23 years and can't remember the first time. We were probably pissed.

Your latest update suggests that he enjoys making you feel insecure. Why else would he feel the need to go on about people he slept with in the past?

he would said ‘oh that’s a ex of mine, or I kissed/slept with her once

It does sound like he enjoys telling you about all his exploits if this is a frequent thing he does - this isn't a nice character trait.

At worst, he actually enjoys making you feel insecure. At best, he's a thoughtless and vain man.

I think Crunchy is right. If your dh’s past is upsetting you, I would suggest that you don’t feel secure in your relationship.

I can't remember the first time DP and I had sex, and it was only 5 years ago. I know ish where it was and when but can't remember doing it.

Thanks everyone, I think I am blowing the whole not remembering our first time out of proportion. I know we feel differently about sex. I was always in relationships and wouldn’t have been with a tenth of the people he was with. (Not really a problem - just different)

I don’t think he was telling me about the other girls to upset me. The first girl I became friendly with over there - he told me after about 6months of me paling around me her that he had a ONS with her years ago. (She said something minor (not mean) that I Half picked up on & when I said it to him, he said ‘oh yeah- sure we had a ONS at a party at such & such’s house years back. I felt stupid as I didn’t even know he actually knew her and when chatting with her, kept referring to ‘my husband’ & telling her about him (just making conversation really) but she obviously knew well who my husband was. (It’s a tiny little town- more like a village where i discovered later, everyone knows everyone) anyway, I said seriously you could have told me that 6 months ago rather than me bringing home your ex’s. & asked him if there was anyone else local he was with - (so I asked for that really) anyway, he said no first, but the more people I get to know, the more ex’s pop out of the woodwork. While these girls are obviously not a problem, the sheer quantity of them has probably make me a bit paranoid to begin with.

I think I’m just terrified after his recent revolutions that there is a whole ton of stuff I don’t know about our early relationship as he is now saying he is a different person now & that he only really realised how much I meant to him when I got pregnant after 1.5 years. (We Unfortunately lost that baby) but this make me wonder what else went on up to that point.

Sorry I know all this I long winded and that a lot of it are just minor things that normally wouldn’t be overly bothersome. It’s just seems to be one thing after another.

I am in a bad place also over my estranged grandmother, she was part of my life until I was 10 and I have many regrets of not regaining contact with her throughout the years.

God I sound a complete mess. Thank you all so much for your advice and for giving me some prospective.

I think you just need to remember that he has a past. But you are his current and, hopefully getting through this bad patch, also his future.

It can change your perspective of someone but don’t let it grind you down too much or your head will constantly be a melt and it will tear your relationship apart.

If it hurts you for him to say whenever he sees someone from his past, then not so gently remind him that you don’t want to hear about that.

Together 16 years and I can't remember first time slept together.

Me and the wife often reminisce about the first time, and that was 25 years ago. And all the other first times - if you know what I mean.

It's not a massive thing, like others said above, but why did the confession happen recently, after 14 years? Maybe it's bothered his conscience ever since and wants to be clear of it? Less likely I'd think is that it means things are over for him?? More like the opposite.

So he cheated on you but you're more concerned he can't remember the first time you slept together? I think you have your priorities skewed. I wouldn't give a damn about the former but would be pissed off at the latter.

So he cheated on you but you're more concerned he can't remember the first time you slept together? I think you have your priorities skewed. I wouldn't give a damn about the former but would be pissed off at the latter

This

I remember the first time I slept with my husband- he was shit Luckily it improved! I don’t remember the first time I told him I love him though

Good God I can't remember and I bet DH can't remember either
Life is far too short to worry about something do trivial

@silverySurfer - obviously I’m not more concerned he can’t remember the first time we slept together. (That’s a whole different thread)

Unfortunately this is the latest thing he has thrown at me.

YABU and concentrating on something that’s not important right now.
You need to focus on what the issues are today , not 14 years ago .
Hope things get better for you

@yutes - thanks, yes I think I need to have a chat with him about all his resent honestly about his past alright.

most women who didn't save themselves for their wedding night?
Save themselves for what excatly!!
I hope that was a joke.