To say I’ve won! I’ve actually won!

[YouWinAgain]

Some of you will recognise my story. I hope you do, and yes I am that poster.

In March 2018 I was attacked and had threats made against my life by my husband in front of our DD aged 2 at the time.

I left him and he was a s**t. He and his family made my life hell threatening to take DD out of her Nursery, pinning me against shelves in supermarkets, accusing me of alienating DD from her paternal family, and basically being made to feel like the perpetrator instead of the victim. He also left me and DD living at my mums for 10 days just because he could. He left me with GAD, PTSD and Social Anxiety.

In November he took me to court for full residency of DD, now aged 3, accusing me of emotionally abusing her and not being able to put her first.

It was a rough time for me; I almost gave up at times, felt like everything was against me including the Social Worker who seemed to swap sides after it went to court. She was also at times suggesting 50/50 contact.

I got a SHL (S**t Hot Lawyer) and was still worried, panicking and had to be grounded several times by her and posters on MN thank you all. I had home condition problems when we first split but did my upmost to work with everyone and get myself back on track. At times I felt like it was hopeless even when he didn’t turn up to her appointments or Nativity Play.

DRA hearing is 2 weeks today. Had the final meeting with the SW this morning to give me the S7, I was nervous as I was expecting her to be on ExHs side.

There’s two bits of good news:

1. SW was recommending that DD stay living with me, and contact with ExH be once a week for 2 hours, and then every other Sunday for 5 hours going up to full day contact (9am-5pm) in 3 months’ time and then overnight just Saturday every other weekend from September when DD starts school. SW suggested the weekly contact cannot clash with her appointments or social occasions!

But 2) 2 weeks before the DRA, ExH has decided to drop the residency and just apply for consistent regular contact with DD. He hasn’t asked for a specific pattern so I think my SHL can negotiate.

I am crying with happiness. We still have to go to court on 21st but I’m not worried anymore, they aren’t taking my DD off me. Looks like SW was on DDs side and neither mine or ExHs.

Sometimes it pays to persevere. I’ve won haven’t I? I’ve actually won!

That's great news!

It wouldn't surprise me, if after a while, he starts saying he can't have her on his times. He's only done this to try to control you, but will soon get bored with having to look after her. He'll probably behave himself until the April hearing is out of the way though.

Who is his friend who can look after her, the woman at his work? Do you know them, and do you trust them?

No the friend is his best friend, was the best man at our wedding. I neither like or dislike him - he's just his friend, but DD knows him. I don't think he'll look after her anyway. It'll be Ex-MIL or my mum I reckon

It wouldn't surprise me, if after a while, he starts saying he can't have her on his times

I am still certain this is coming from his mum. She was in court this morning but daddykins stayed away. Think they were going to try the "mother to mother" approach with my mum if they didn't get an acceptable deal.

He wasn't there?

I'm surprised he got given as much as he has, if he can't even be bothered to turn up to court.

Really pleased for you OP, I remember your old thread, and just come across this update today! So pleased things are working out.

Brilliant result.

That's a good outcome from what I've seen of your hours listed there! No o/nights, is excellent.

Will never agree that she's, or you, are not at risk after what he's shown you of who he is, and no, safety is not a 'compromise' issue. Never should be. I would want to be challenging that decision about not being a risk. Who's decision was it? You are also at risk, and still suffering. Further harm to both is still there.

Well done!!! I'm so glad you have come out of it so well! I hope you feel good about what you've achieved for dd. Treat yourself tonight and hope you have a super relaxing evening.

He didn't turn up...

I too have always thought he'll stop bothering!

I missed that! He didn't turn up!? I'm glad it went ahead without him, as, despite declarations to the contrary, I have know proceedings stopped as a result of a no show by the father. That's really good, but his solicitor or barrister was still there, as his rep.

They all stop bothering. Until they get a new partner who actually likes children.

In this case it looks like it was the mum driving it.

ExH turned up his dad didn’t!

Oh right, I misunderstood you. Well, it doesn't make any difference whether his dad turned up.

I do agree that his mum is part of the driving force behind this. She wants to have contact, but he (your ex) just wants to have control.

Now I've had a sleep and proper chat with Nursery about the arrangement I'm feeling a lot happier.

My two none negotiable's where she not be removed from Nursery and her staying in her swimming lessons.

Nursery have said if he takes her out of Nursery for an afternoon they'll let him take her, but then give me the hours back to use elsewhere - but if he rings them to use them for Childcare he won't get offered any "spare" hours I have and will have to be billed separately. Can't argue with that.

Terrific - you've come out well from a stressful and very unpredictable day.

Make sure you keep very clear records. Start a diary (if you haven't already). Record any concerns, late pick ups, returns, cancelled time etc. Try subtle ways to find out if he's observing the 3 hour rule, and how he's managing meals, bedtimes, bathing, washing clothes etc.

The reason being -- his lawyer may ask in April at the review hearing for a final order that builds up his time with DD when she starts school in September so it's collection after school every other Thursday and return to school on the Monday, plus 50:50 school holidays (which is pretty close to 50:50)

This could well be fine if he manages it well and it's the real him not just him following his lawyer's advice to be on his best behaviour until April.

But if he doesn't manage it well, you'll be kicking yourself if you don't have good notes to give to your barrister in April. Notes with details that you would only know if you had written the note at the time it happened are more believable.

Already doing so but barrister advised me to do the same. Just need to come up with some ways to find out what he's up to.

I honestly don't think he wants 50/50, it's his mum that wants it. If he'd wanted 50/50 or close to it because he put up no fight, plus both my SHL and SHB have said his solicitor doesn't really want to represent him so is less likely to advice him anything.

So abusive exH seeking to build relationship and 50:50 of dd who's not her bio dd? Bio father didn't even come to have a say in what happens with his bio dd? Sorry if I've got that wrong, but got confused when pp said father didnt attend court.

I think his solicitor is fully aware of what everyone else is ignoring [courts, safeguarding].

No her bio dad my ExH turned up, it was her granddad (my ex-FIL) that didn't turn up. Ex-FIL came to the initial hearing and also pinned me against a shelf in a supermarket back in April but denied it so nothing was done about it.

The supermarket incident, that would have been on CCTV. Didn't you ask about it? It would have given you proof and you might have been able to stop his parents looking after her.

I asked for the cctv but they wouldn’t give it to me and by the time I reported it to the police the supermarket no longer had the cctv so no proof. They both have clean records so I can’t stop them having her.

Op my exh dragged out cao out for 4 years. He did it to control me. Became a Disney dad for a while. Then a neglectful one. Then the dc hit teens and dumped him on his sorry arse..
Been nc for a few years.
*dc, I have been for years and years.
Don't ever doubt your dd will see you both for what you both are.. You an amazing dm and him a twat.

That's a great update. I hope Mini settles into her new routines

I wish I had your strength. I'm so happy for you. Enjoy life just you and your girl xx

Thanks for explaining that OP. You reported it, though which is good.
You have first hand evidence, so long as your experiences of him and his f are written in court papers, they will have to actively refute them. You have provided evidence, and they have ignored it.

No action was taken as insufficient evidence so it doesn't matter, it can't be used in court against ExH or his dad.

Police dont act on years of stalking, or many of the murders from da either, the majority of men abusers certainly not men get away with this stuff sadly, so your experience is not dissimilar to so many others, but if you write something in court, write a letter, detailing your own evidence, it s something that has to at least be considered (and mabybe dismissed) but don't let that stop you from putting everything in.

Did you call Rights of Women? Run all this by them, they know what's what when it comes to your situation.