To say I’ve won! I’ve actually won!

[YouWinAgain]

Some of you will recognise my story. I hope you do, and yes I am that poster.

In March 2018 I was attacked and had threats made against my life by my husband in front of our DD aged 2 at the time.

I left him and he was a s**t. He and his family made my life hell threatening to take DD out of her Nursery, pinning me against shelves in supermarkets, accusing me of alienating DD from her paternal family, and basically being made to feel like the perpetrator instead of the victim. He also left me and DD living at my mums for 10 days just because he could. He left me with GAD, PTSD and Social Anxiety.

In November he took me to court for full residency of DD, now aged 3, accusing me of emotionally abusing her and not being able to put her first.

It was a rough time for me; I almost gave up at times, felt like everything was against me including the Social Worker who seemed to swap sides after it went to court. She was also at times suggesting 50/50 contact.

I got a SHL (S**t Hot Lawyer) and was still worried, panicking and had to be grounded several times by her and posters on MN thank you all. I had home condition problems when we first split but did my upmost to work with everyone and get myself back on track. At times I felt like it was hopeless even when he didn’t turn up to her appointments or Nativity Play.

DRA hearing is 2 weeks today. Had the final meeting with the SW this morning to give me the S7, I was nervous as I was expecting her to be on ExHs side.

There’s two bits of good news:

1. SW was recommending that DD stay living with me, and contact with ExH be once a week for 2 hours, and then every other Sunday for 5 hours going up to full day contact (9am-5pm) in 3 months’ time and then overnight just Saturday every other weekend from September when DD starts school. SW suggested the weekly contact cannot clash with her appointments or social occasions!

But 2) 2 weeks before the DRA, ExH has decided to drop the residency and just apply for consistent regular contact with DD. He hasn’t asked for a specific pattern so I think my SHL can negotiate.

I am crying with happiness. We still have to go to court on 21st but I’m not worried anymore, they aren’t taking my DD off me. Looks like SW was on DDs side and neither mine or ExHs.

Sometimes it pays to persevere. I’ve won haven’t I? I’ve actually won!

If something like that ever happens again tell the CCTV owners that you are reporting it to the police do they need to save the footage. No guarantee but sometimes works.

That's good thought Bingle

Have spent a few days recovering from the onslaught of tiredness that hit me after the stress, I'm much better but still exhausted.

So I rang RfW but they've said that as he's passed safeguarding checks there's not really much we can do. They are trying to get safeguarding checks to be more robust but atm as he's passed them there's not much we can do to stop contact and as he's not seen as a risk all I can do is follow advice to protect myself so; only communicate with him about DD and nothing else, don't enter into a discussion with him without advice, keep my distance, protect myself on SM by never posting about him/the court case on there, all stuff I was doing anyway.

But it's not all bad. Spoken to my SHL today. She thinks one of two things will happen after the hearing in April, either he will stop trying to have contact with DD which shows he used court to try and control me or he will mess up again and I can then take it back to court to stop him seeing her. I do have to be careful though as his parents have been speaking to ExHs solicitor and are considering applying to the court for their own separate contact with DD so we could end up with a 3 way arrangement - they claim they had her one day a week before ExH and I split, it wasn't one day a week it was once or twice a month if that, but it's my word against there's when it comes to that and the judge we have overseeing this is big on grandparental contact apparently. So I am a bit worried.

But SHL says it's not all bad. She thought the S7 was quite positive about me (even though I didn't interpret it that way) and has spoken to the Social Worker since Monday and she is still very much of the view that I am the reasonable one. SHL is hoping to pull the weekday contact in April as he has a habit of cancelling it. My only concern is if he says he can have her every week but only at weekends but SHL says the courts won't go for that and even if his parents do manage to get heard by the judge they'd likely have her one night for tea.

So mixed day. I am very tired though. DD was in the shopping centre with my mum while i was with SHL and has been massively spoilt; they've been in Smiggle and got a toy owl thing, she's chosen a cat ornament thing and she's had a huge pick and mix from the market. And she got her McDonalds including Mcflurry from me...spoilt child.

Oh you poor thing, just shows how hugely stressful it all is; is good you've been taking some recoveryime for yourself. Its good to know the deal (RoW), is that all they said, oh dear, disappointing that dd has to be open to further abuse and the only one not protected, as you have the things in place to keep safe, whereas who's keeping her safe when she's with him! We have such a long way to go that those capable of such crimes are still given so many rights over those for the protection of the poor children, even when those crimes are of a dv nature

How lovely for the shopping with dgm and you with dd! You are doing so well.

I think it's because from both the courts and laws perspective he has to be given a chance. I can understand it, even if he's hurt her (which he has) then he has to prove he's changed. And like my SHL he's either trying to use her to control me or will mess up again or more likely it's all coming from his mum.

Yeah, I'm afraid I'm not an advocate of taking that chance, he needs criminal justice, not put his dd in the line of fire to prove will he or won't he. It also leaves the way open for far more long-lasting harm that can easily go undetected when not supervised, and even when it is! I am shocked that courts are still not adopting the presupposition of increased likelihood of further harm, especially against the most vulnerable behind closed doors. Its very upsetting and the way that perps continue to cause such devastation to the next generation, if they survive.
Your hands are tied in this unless you refuse to accept he should have any contact. Just remember that your legal team are there to t

...take instruction from you. They act for you not the other way round.

In have to say, its abhorrent leaving children unprotected and vulnerable like this. Over and over courts force DC into danger, well, I dont need to say, the stats are out there. They are wrong and you don't have to take risks with your DC, if you were to have him in your home they consider this too high a risk and would take your DC away from you but for her to be alone with him, without any other protection, that's better??!!

This all too often is the very thing that stops women leaving, sickeningly ironic.

he needs criminal justice

He has a caution on his record for what he did to me, no further action was taken, not even sure if he actually met the terms of his caution when I called 101 to enquire they said they couldn't tell me due to confidentiality. I have to assume that the safeguarding checks done by SS have checked this.

It also leaves the way open for far more long-lasting harm

He's already alienating DD from me, but I can't prove it. She says things like "I go live with daddy" "I like daddy better than you" which I know she doesn't actually think because she looks so confused when she's saying it. I told both Cafcass and SS but they said unless she said it to them/Nursery there was nothing they could do but warn him not to have those conversations with her. It's not just the physical damage he could do but the emotional harm too, but no-one cares about her it's about him.

especially against the most vulnerable behind closed doors

This is what I don't understand. She is considered vulnerable not just due to her age but because she has SN.

Your hands are tied in this unless you refuse to accept he should have any contact.

Tried refusing contact, he was advised to take me to court and the court gave him unsupervised contact. I was in a no win situation with it.

They act for you not the other way round

They do also advice me, and the advice they give is for me to compromise and choose where my line is rather than the court deciding it and me possibly being left with a situation which is impossible/puts me in danger. So while they act for me, they also have to advice me. Whether I take that advice or not is up to me, but I tend to lean towards listening to them because I know that as he is not seen as a risk and I am due to my MH the courts are more likely to side with him.

f you were to have him in your home they consider this too high a risk

In our case they didn't, they said I could choose this option but I felt it was too high a risk for me, I don't trust him, I never will.

I agree with your SHL; its not all bad. And considering your worst fears, it's great!

One thing, and I don't know if it's a 'thing' in UK law, is an 'anti-disparagement' clause. It's common here (US) that written into an access agreement is a clause that specifies that each parent is prohibited from making disparaging remarks to the child about the other parent, or allowing other people to make them in the child's hearing. Usually visits are forfeited if it happens and it's actually grounds for losing visitation rights altogether.

I know you'd never do that around Mini. But you may want to see if it can be included in the agreement, especially if she's going to be around the grandparents.

Just had a confirmation email from SHL to say she's booked the SHB for the hearing in April and he has accepted the offer knew he would as he "booked" himself anyway this also means that if ExH wants to get a barrister then he can't use any from the firm I've used clash of interest and SHL says the others in the area aren't as good or funny.

WRT to the 'anti-disparagement' I don't think UK do that, which is a shame as it would stop so much alienation. Nursery are going to be a bit sneaky and try and get videos of DD saying the stuff if she says it there so we have evidence, but oddly she doesn't talk much about ExH at Nursery just me and my mum.

You could try and record it.

Isn't it known as parental alienation in the UK?

Hi @YouWinAgain just read your thread.

I was in a similar situation to you and I asked for a clause to be written in about speaking about me in a derogatory way in front of dd - ex refused - they made him sign an undertaking; which is essentially a promise to the courts and if he breaks it they take a dim view.
Not sure if you could get this - I got it because my dd said told cafcass the things he had said about me to her.

@Lweji Yes it’s parent alienation, but I’m not allowed to record it or if I do it’s unsubmissable in court as I could have told her to say that. It has to come from somewhere official due to her age

@FinallyFree I think due to DDs age they’d not gonfor that but I’ll ask my SHL when I get a chance.

I feel calm after today.

DDs asleep.

And when I looked at the numbers even if he has midweek contact he has her for less than 10% of the time.

There’s 336 hours in a fortnight and he has been awarded roughly 30 of those. But for at least 10 of those she’ll be asleep so 20 decent hours.

In the remaining 306 hours I spend around 153 hours with her, that’s just under 50% of the time, she’s in Nursery for more time technically than she’s with her dad as she spends 25-30 hours a week there (50-60 a fortnight).

If he’s really going to try and alienate her in what amounts to 10% of her life, then I don’t care he can try. I have the rest of the time to prove to her I’m not the things he says.

If they really thought I was a big risk they’d have awarded him way more than 10%.

UK courts don't call it disparagement, but it is written into contact orders, but its your shl that would be making sure thahappens and would have advised you of it, unless you never raised it, which I'm sure ypou must have. Yes, contact orders should also make references to harm of any kind, by speaking badly of RP or via their parties, its pretty standard in DA cases, so surprised this has not been mentioned to you.

I really do appreciate your hammer and anvil situation,but I would not agree to compromise because you have very EAL fears for her and they can also use your 'comprises' against you. As you say, she is vulnerable and they are not making her water-tight protection priority. They rarely do. If he's abusive, then he's abusive, its particularly prevalent inside a domestic setting where noons can see or hear, and he will et away with whatever he wants.

I don't think your situation is atall unusual in going through these crazy court rituals, without watertight protections for dc, leaving them wide open to abuse week in week out.

The thingis, you have all the proof you need, you know he is abusive, you don't need anyone telling you he isn't, or pretending shes going to be safe, he's an abuser, and the minute she tries to defy him, take too long, or lose emotional control because she's little, hell come down on her like a tons of bricks time and time again, and DMS are not there to witness it anymore, cos everyone tells them to leave instead of forcing him to stop.

EAL! *real

This is the shit system we have that let's down women and their dc time and again, despite these new laws being in place.

Loving your confident attitude! What did you say to her about liking daddy more and living with daddy? Poor little love, being played. It is pretty classic stuff.
Enjoy your weekend together

But I can’t do anything.

Remember I have PTSD because of what he did to me. As far as the courts are concerned I am more of a risk because I am the one still on medication.

His GP, his counsellor and a Social Worker all say he poses no risk to her and if it came to it I know damn well the courts would side with him. My barrister even said they would and he hates the fact they side with the NRP but there’s nothing we can do about it, because no-one apart from me and possibly his own solicitor think he’s a risk. I can’t make them listen to me when all the evidence they have says he’s not.

So I’ll make do with his 10% and hope I can get it down to less. But he’s going to have contact. All I can is ensure i am 100% the best parent to her because if I am anything less then his contact time will increase.

It sucks. But there is literally nothing else I can do. I have been down every avenue now; courts, Women’s Aid, Rights of Women, Contact a Family (work with separated parents of SN children) and the Family Rights Group.

There is nothing more I can do but try and be positive.

Go you!! The thing is, a SW cannot decide what your experience with him has been. There needs to be a testing of your evidence. Where your sub can address these issues direct to him. You don't get PTSD from living with a decent bloke, you just don't, its evidence of significant trauma, and I am so sorry you are suffering with it.

The courts are super crazy and still pretty fucked up when it comes to da; like you say, they defend the position of the NRP regardless in so many cases, so the abuse goes on unabated. They wait till he harms and play Russian roulette with babies lives.

When she said she wants to live with daddy I didn’t say anything I was a bit hurt. But then a few hours later she said “I don’t want to live with daddy i can’t take my cat” I told her that she’d see daddy soon, and she was happy with that.

With the liking daddy more I said sometimes we do like one person more than another and that’s ok

Not sub ! SHB

What actually would you like the OP to do smother because my reading of your posts is that they are full of faux sympathy and encouragement whilst maintaining little digs at the OP.

OP is doing as much as she can, and she NEEDS to compromise, for the reasons listed.
I really don't think your posts are very helpful, Smother, when you're advising her of not agreeing to the compromises. She could lose more by following your advice. Not to mention the amount of posts from you, one after the other. Unless you've name changed, you weren't on the other threads (and I don't believe you were, because of your posting style, it's very distinctive, and as recognisable as handwriting) so haven't been around long to support OP, and now you're always going on about OP not compromising, and her DD not being safe. It's undermining all of OP's hard work to get to where she is now.
Your posts could lead to OP feeling she's not doing enough, or not doing the correct things, and it's been a long hard slog for her to get where she is now, with the posters who have been there for her from the start, keeping her afloat.

OP I'm glad you feel calm about things, and as you say, he's only getting 10% of her time. Any parental alienation he tries, should be overcome by all the positive influences she has from you, your family and friends, and nursery. You're doing the right things for Mini, and she knows you love her.