To say I’ve won! I’ve actually won!

[YouWinAgain]

Some of you will recognise my story. I hope you do, and yes I am that poster.

In March 2018 I was attacked and had threats made against my life by my husband in front of our DD aged 2 at the time.

I left him and he was a s**t. He and his family made my life hell threatening to take DD out of her Nursery, pinning me against shelves in supermarkets, accusing me of alienating DD from her paternal family, and basically being made to feel like the perpetrator instead of the victim. He also left me and DD living at my mums for 10 days just because he could. He left me with GAD, PTSD and Social Anxiety.

In November he took me to court for full residency of DD, now aged 3, accusing me of emotionally abusing her and not being able to put her first.

It was a rough time for me; I almost gave up at times, felt like everything was against me including the Social Worker who seemed to swap sides after it went to court. She was also at times suggesting 50/50 contact.

I got a SHL (S**t Hot Lawyer) and was still worried, panicking and had to be grounded several times by her and posters on MN thank you all. I had home condition problems when we first split but did my upmost to work with everyone and get myself back on track. At times I felt like it was hopeless even when he didn’t turn up to her appointments or Nativity Play.

DRA hearing is 2 weeks today. Had the final meeting with the SW this morning to give me the S7, I was nervous as I was expecting her to be on ExHs side.

There’s two bits of good news:

1. SW was recommending that DD stay living with me, and contact with ExH be once a week for 2 hours, and then every other Sunday for 5 hours going up to full day contact (9am-5pm) in 3 months’ time and then overnight just Saturday every other weekend from September when DD starts school. SW suggested the weekly contact cannot clash with her appointments or social occasions!

But 2) 2 weeks before the DRA, ExH has decided to drop the residency and just apply for consistent regular contact with DD. He hasn’t asked for a specific pattern so I think my SHL can negotiate.

I am crying with happiness. We still have to go to court on 21st but I’m not worried anymore, they aren’t taking my DD off me. Looks like SW was on DDs side and neither mine or ExHs.

Sometimes it pays to persevere. I’ve won haven’t I? I’ve actually won!

You can do this! The prospect of court is scary but you have done nothing wrong so hold your head up. You got this

Good luck today x

Barrister is lovely, I really like him.

He’s been in the job over 50 years he’s almost as old as my granddad which is nice

He’s been in the job over 50 years

In which case he's seen and heard all of your Ex before many, many times.

Good Luck

Good luck!

About your dd choosing her daddy over you, I could have said something similar about my ex a few years ago, but it's changed naturally over time. He really enjoyed their relationship when she was small enough to idolise him, but now that she's 11 and is less starry-eyed about her parents, he doesn't find it as gratifying and frankly, is bothering less.

So I agree with all you've been doing - get this stage right and later stages will look after themselves. Hope today goes well - prepare to be exhausted by the end of the day, and do something nice for yourself afterwards.

Delurking to wish you good luck today. You sound like a lovely mum.

I've been reading but not posting. Just want to wish you all the luck in the world.

Wishing you luck from Australia, Catty.... keeping fingers, toes & earlobes crossed for you!!!

My barrister says best we can hope for is 50/50 because no-one sees him as a risk. I won’t get first refusal as “that’s not life” and I can be made to not attend appointments in his time as well.

I’m seen as the risk due to my MH. Fucking brilliant, feel like I might as well give up.

Don't despair, OP. Whatever today's outcome is, it's not set in stone forever. The very first court order I had gave a very high level of contact to exH (not 50/50, but about a third of her time). Over time, concerns began to emerge about his behaviour, not least because he kept reporting me to SS and every time he did, they'd investigate and find nothing. The school also became concerned about some aspects of his behaviour. We ended up in court again, more than once, and at this point, he has much more restricted contact.

It's not the end of the world if you don't end up with the idea arrangement today - there is still scope for it to evolve.

*ideal arrangement

We’re all done and it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.

I’m just going to get some food and then I’ll post when I get home, give me a few hours.

Great news. Enjoy your lunch.

That's good

Glad to hear it!

I'm glad it's not that bad, Sweetie. I'm off to bed as it's 11:30 here and I have to be up at stupid o'clock tomorrow morning for my first day at university. (At 46, and I'm terrified - don't tell anyone!!!). I'm thinking of you and I will check in and see your report in the morning. I've been following you forever and I'm really proud of you. You are a wonderful example of a Mum who's been through adversity and does everything she can for her little one. You are getting stronger and stronger all the time. I hope you start to believe us. x

Firstly while I was in the middle of it all it felt worse than it is. My SHL wasn’t there but my SHB was lovely, and gave my head a wobble when I needed it (and still got the result I wanted).

My SHB answered all my questions for me, I didn’t have to say a thing in court apart from to confirm my name and to confirm DDs name and DOB.

I did have to compromise on contact but it had to be done, SHB said if I don’t compromise the judges wouldn’t take kindly to it and could give him more contact than ideal because of that. Tip for anyone going through court – be prepared to compromise, even if it’s less than ideal the compromise is better than what the courts can impose on you.

He pushed for every weekend and my SHB was dead against this as he felt it was unfair to DD; so the arrangement is:

• Week 1 – Thursday 2-5pm, Sunday 10am-4pm
• Week 2 – Thursday 12-3pm, Sunday 10am – 4pm
• Week 3 – Thursday 1-4pm, Sunday 10am – 4pm
• Week 4 – Thursday 1-4pm (not set in stone but it’s whichever time works best and I liked this best so hope to stick to it), Saturday 3pm – Sunday 4pm
• Week 5 – Thursday 1-4pm, no weekend contact
• Week 6 – Thursday 1-4pm, Saturday 3pm – Sunday 4pm
• Week 7 – Thursday 1pm-4pm, no weekend contact
• Week 8 – Thursday 1pm-4pm, Saturday 10am – Sunday 4pm

From then on, weeks 7 and 8 alternate.

The rules of the order:

• If either parent is away from the child for more than 3 hours during their allocated weekend then the other parent has to be contacted and allowed to have the child if they wish, if the parent turns down the opportunity the parent whose weekend it is arranges childcare and then it lists the people we’re allowed to use as: Ex-MIL, My mum, ExHs friend and a friend of mine whose got a DD the same age
• Child will live with mother; I am allowed to take her away for 28 nights consecutively but have to make up any missed contact over the following weeks. ExH is not allowed to take her anywhere without my permission (I have been advised to let him take her away and then take back the contact when she returns as I am doing for him)
• Appointments are during mothers time but if fall during Thursday contact then an alternative should be offered but the alternative should not interrupt her education or any therapies/lessons including her Wednesday swimming lesson and her 121 time on Friday
• Similarly Thursday contact can be rearranged due to ExHs shifts but the same applies as above
• Either or both parents can attend appointments if one parent doesn’t attend the other is to update them via email as to what happens no later than the last day of the month
• All social occasions that fall during NRP contact are to be discussed and decided between us what will happen

We’re back in court in April to finalise it all, see how DD is coping and get the CAO – by that point we’ll know what school she’s going to so can tweak arrangements for September. It was a compromise. I didn’t want him having her every Sunday for the next 4 weeks, but SHB said they’d look dimly on me for dragging it out over 4 months and ExH tried to get overnight straight away with no build up which my SHB argued wasn’t good for a child with a developmental delay.
Social Worker also turned up. I’d got mixed up as the order said she wasn’t needed. But her being there was helpful. She clarified a few things including that she hadn’t wanted DD to go every weekend (she’s promised to proof read next time!). Judge praised SW for being there as did my SHB and ExHs solicitor so it must have been a good thing. Still not sure of her at all, I still think she’s on ExHs side.
SHB told me not to invite ExH to appointments. He says tell him about them and if he doesn’t come update him afterwards. If I explicitly invite him then he doesn’t turn up it could get written into the CAO and have to be enforced when what I need is to be able to say “I told him about it and he chose not to come” rather than arguing why I don’t want him there (I don’t mind but it’s easier if he’s not there).

Still think he’s a risk to her but no-one else does so nothing I can do, he’s apparently passed all safeguarding checks so I can’t do anything. He also apparently cares about her, which I still don’t see but hey ho, that’s life isn’t it?

Still feels like a long time to be away from her but I have to get used to it I suppose. Mum treated me to a McDonalds, but shh don’t tell DD as if she finds out she’ll be upset…I’m taking her on Friday. Feeling tired and can feel a cold coming on. It’s not over yet but I’m less worried about the April hearing as I think it’ll just be sorting out a few minor points. Think I’m going to sleep for a week now.

That's pretty damn good! A far cry from 50/50, too. You've held up amazingly well. Mini will be ok. You will be ok.

Glad you've got something you can live with.

That is a really good outcome tbh as he passed the checks.

Celebrate!!!!

Congratulations. 1 afternoon per week and eow is a pretty good result. Well done for not quitting even when it seemed impossible.

Honestly, I think that's a brilliant result! Looks pretty 'standard' to me and getting 'first refusal' is a biggie! That means he can't take her for his access time then bugger off and let his parents keep her. Two way street of course, but it's much less likely that he'll be able to take her on the spur of the moment due to his work.

All round positive result, I'd say. Hooray for SHL and SHB!

It's better than I was expecting, particularly as ExH was pushing for 50/50. I think because of the 3 hour thing, when his shifts are not shorter than 5 hours plus the not being allowed every weekend made him back down.

SHB has booked himself to represent me for the April hearing, bit cocky of him!

I actually really liked him when I met him, from the moment I spoke to him he put me at ease which was huge for me. He was telling me about his previous cases and how he met my SHL. She was right to book him.

Fantastic result! Am so very pleased for you xxx