To say I’ve won! I’ve actually won!

[YouWinAgain]

Some of you will recognise my story. I hope you do, and yes I am that poster.

In March 2018 I was attacked and had threats made against my life by my husband in front of our DD aged 2 at the time.

I left him and he was a s**t. He and his family made my life hell threatening to take DD out of her Nursery, pinning me against shelves in supermarkets, accusing me of alienating DD from her paternal family, and basically being made to feel like the perpetrator instead of the victim. He also left me and DD living at my mums for 10 days just because he could. He left me with GAD, PTSD and Social Anxiety.

In November he took me to court for full residency of DD, now aged 3, accusing me of emotionally abusing her and not being able to put her first.

It was a rough time for me; I almost gave up at times, felt like everything was against me including the Social Worker who seemed to swap sides after it went to court. She was also at times suggesting 50/50 contact.

I got a SHL (S**t Hot Lawyer) and was still worried, panicking and had to be grounded several times by her and posters on MN thank you all. I had home condition problems when we first split but did my upmost to work with everyone and get myself back on track. At times I felt like it was hopeless even when he didn’t turn up to her appointments or Nativity Play.

DRA hearing is 2 weeks today. Had the final meeting with the SW this morning to give me the S7, I was nervous as I was expecting her to be on ExHs side.

There’s two bits of good news:

1. SW was recommending that DD stay living with me, and contact with ExH be once a week for 2 hours, and then every other Sunday for 5 hours going up to full day contact (9am-5pm) in 3 months’ time and then overnight just Saturday every other weekend from September when DD starts school. SW suggested the weekly contact cannot clash with her appointments or social occasions!

But 2) 2 weeks before the DRA, ExH has decided to drop the residency and just apply for consistent regular contact with DD. He hasn’t asked for a specific pattern so I think my SHL can negotiate.

I am crying with happiness. We still have to go to court on 21st but I’m not worried anymore, they aren’t taking my DD off me. Looks like SW was on DDs side and neither mine or ExHs.

Sometimes it pays to persevere. I’ve won haven’t I? I’ve actually won!

I think your solicitor is letting you down

I have to disagree, she's done everything she can, is aware of every situation including the contact over Christmas and a more recent issue with contact which I haven't documented here. She's been working behind the scenes to help me, at the expense of her own DC at times.

I hate to bring it up, but did you always have 'fully consensual' sex? Has that been properly acknowledged as I don't want to write what I am trying to say but you know what I mean. Has a marac been done? Or MASH?

I do not consider myself to have been sexually abused by this man, for reasons of his own making and his health we rarely had it.

I am horrified that women still feel like they have to look as if they are being 'cooperative' and 'willing to assidt', you say 'no' and you keep saying it. Even your own barrister can be bullied by the other barrister, and try try to agree 'terms' to look 'amenable and willing to make considerations, but there is only one, safety, long term for you both, keep stating it and that nothing unsafe will be agrreed to.

I haven't even met the man yet give him a chance, I doubt my lawyer will put me in any danger and from an email exchange with him he seems to be really on the ball, he's picked up a few things in the report I hadn't even thought of. And like I said, give him a chance.

He's not your friend, and you cannot trust him to be around you,or your dd.

He has supervised contact at the moment, which is what was suggested by SS. She has to be returned to me as it stands at the moment. DD enjoys going and I feel it would be more harmful to her to abruptly halt the contact she's got used to. All we need to decide in court is how much or if that contact is increased. I will not stop until I get what I am happy with for my DD.

I am actually more concerned about her contact with his parents but there's nothing I can do about that as SS deem them not to be a risk and because he lives with them the courts won't do anything about them.

Have you contacted WA?

I had a WA support worker until October when they lost their funding and moved over to Victim Support but didn't take me with me. I did the Freedom Programme before WA lost their funding. I am looking into some sort of counselling for myself when all this is over.

I am assuming you haven't read my previous threads? No problem if you haven't, not everyone knows the full story.

No, sorry OP, like I said, I was just reading your good news post. I hope you didn't and, and is ace that you have supervised contact in place.

Also that you feel your solicitor has appraised you at every turn and challenged SW behaviour, and made sure you know what to do to stop all the crap and get her replaced, also to change the judge. I was just going on what you'd said about the issues you were facing.

That's so sad that WA and FP both been withdrawn in your area, have you got access to the files for court evidence?

Did you call the legal helpline? What do they suggest?

To be fair it was you that said you were scared of him being a male stranger an all, but if he's proving himself then that's great.

But, yes, they try to do deals in court so I hope he, and your solicitor, have got all the points you stressed in your earlier posts so they can properly nail them down for you. You sound very confident that all is in hand which is the best position possible!!

Good luck in court! Hope it goes well and does address the issue of risk to you both so you can be safe, both of you, and recover well.

Feeling some positivity today.

I think I can do this. I know what I'm offering isn't UR.

I'm not saying no to overnights but need to work up to it and work with her, because at the moment she's certain she doesn't want to stay with her dad overnight so forcing her could make it awkward.

And he's not having 1 weekend day every weekend. If he does then he can't have her overnight EOW as I want some time with her too.

I will say no overnights during the week in term time but holidays it's fine even when she's at Nursery.

So either:
1 night a week and EOW

or
1 night a week and 1 weekend day with no overnight.

Is this fair?

My paranoia has kicked in. I've ironed my blouse, ironed my trousers and blazer. Polished my shoes.

Now I'm ironing a tiny Nursery Uniform just in case they ask for her to go to the court on Monday.

Help...

They're not going to ask for a child to go to court. You know that's just your mind playing silly buggers, so ignore it. Keep your mind occupied, by having the radio or tv on, and do something, like read a magazine or book, do a crossword, anything to keep your mind filled with external things.

Just keep dd safety, and yours, at the centre of every decision and you won't go wrong.

He's a nasty violent abuser from the sounds of it, and should not be entitled to have young DC overnight. It's not in her best interests.

Be like a stuck record and make sure you ask anything you need to understand.

Good luck!

Wishing you all the good luck in the world for today xx I know everything will be just fine for you and mini

should not be entitled to have young DC overnight

It's not about that though, my DD loves seeing her dad and I know one day she will choose him over me, she's always been a daddy's girl. All I can do is hope that while she's little the arrangement is fair and within her best interestes.

I doubt that I know what's best for her at times.I still think I should give her to her father and just get contact with her but I know that he'd never let me see her so I don't.

This time tomorrow I should be in the court room. Starts at 10am, they've said should take no less than 2 hours, so we might even have a decision 24 hours from now.

You DON'T know that she'll "choose him" over you when she's older.

By then, she'll know what he's like. She might not want to have anything to do with him, for all you know.
Anyway, there's no point worrying about what may or may not happen, many years in the future. It's a pointless waste of time, and doesn't help your mental health.
Concentrate on what is happening now.

We'll be with you in spirit tomorrow, cheering you on, and we'll be here when you get back. Deep breaths, concentrate on your breathing when your mind starts running away from you. You'll be fine.

Of course she loves her dad.
Who did she call when she was ill?

I will be thinking of you tomorrow, I have everything crossed it goes your way

I think you are not putting dd centre, I thought you said he was violent with a criminal record, and that she wants you when it comes to being comforted, I think he's done quite a job on you, and your self-esteem and sense of value must be through the floor. You are her only mum in the world, and its clear she trusts and loves you, please don't agree that she should stay over with this abuser.

I wish you every strength for tomorrow, its about her, it won't go well if you talk about it being about you wanting to see her as ypthe basis of your decisions. Her protection trumps his demands every time.

He is violent and he threatened to kill me, he has been charged by the police but this report makes no mention of that, so I’m doubting myself thinking I over exaggerated what happened to me.

Like I said I don’t matter, DD is all that matters. She does come to me for comfort when she’s ill, it’s me whose there for her. She had an operation in September and it me she was asking for when she woke up.

But she’s 3, and in her 3 years has been through so much. I doubt myself so much and worry that her asking for her dad is her way of telling me I’m not good enough for her.

I love her more than anything. I get so much pleasure for seeing her happy. Knowing that my money pays for her Nursery where she’s happy and settled, knowing she’s having swimming lessons which having watched I know she loves so much that she’s asked if she can have more! I love cooking, and nothing makes me happier than cooking a meal and seeing DD eat it and say “yummy mummy I love it”.

She’s so polite and happy but I don’t say I did that. I say Nursery did that.

So yes my self esteem and self confidence is low. And I worry that it will rub off on my DD and therefore think she’d be better with her dad - even though logically I know he can’t cope, not just due to the violence but due to his variable shifts.

It won’t be the end tomorrow. His parents have said they’ll keep taking me to court until they get what they want, so then I think that it’ll be easier to give in now than put myself through months or even years of hassle with this.

I think the giving up residency is just a ploy to get what he wants in a more manipulative way. If he gets 50/50 and then applies for the DLA, CTC and CB then I can’t afford to keep a roof over my head so he can then say “oh she can live with me full time until your sorting” knowing full well he won’t go back to 50/50 or remotely close to when I am sorted.

You can ask your solicitor/barrister to add something preventing his parents/him making malicious applications to court.

This is possible.

These are all DD centric reasons why 50:50 isn't appropriate and your SHB will use in court.

Ex isn't available to give 50:50 care it will be his parents.
Ex is violent towards you and has consistently threatened to have DD taken away as have his parents.

Oh, love, you have the 'golowbylies'. That's when all those negative things in your head start to float to the top.

You're her mum. She is the lovely, bright, loving child she is because of you. That is never going to change, nor is the love and safety she feels with you. You are a GOOD MUM. She will love you and rely on you until the end of your days. I 'pinkie-swear' you.

I think you need to keep busy until Court. Today is the day for (weather permitting) a brisk 'treasure walk'. Take DD out and take a small bag with you. Let her hunt for 'treasures'; acorns, stones, leaves, bits of (clean) paper, whatever catches her eye. Or clean out a cupboard, organize your canned goods. Just keep busy!

Its so important that you realise and really know deep down your truth worth for her!

Whenever she asks for you, thats your worth right there, whenever she enjoys mummysndinners there's your worth, she loves you, and you a worthy of that love. You need illingnup and finding strategies to stop it leaking oiut again!

Its OK to accept that you are needed, love, and wanted by your dd. You have stated very clearly he is a violent and dangerous man (that means father too, or any other role he has).

I am afraid this is no time to put yourself down, your belief in your dds need for you is paramount today and every day.

You are doing one of the hardest jobs in the world! Trying to raise your baby against a backdrop of violent abuses, and that obviously means psychological and emotional hits too. Its a tough call to not be dragged down and deploy affected by it, that's normal.

Keep the faith, we believe in you, you so can do this!!! Your dds believes in you love, and so do we.

Keep your message simple, safety for you and dd, the court is duty bound to protect you both from further harm. if she doesn't have you, she only has him, she deserves you, and you both deserve to finally be free, properly free, of him.

Any Marac? Mash? A solitary SW isn't sufficient. Did you say section,7 done? Or in process?

*filling up [and finding strategies...]

Visualise blocking him, and cooking back to the point of your belief in your massive capabilities, the things thsyou do that you know he won't, the violence that he inflicts that you don't. The connection that you have with her based on trust and trust and your attachment with her since she grew inside you.

Keep practising this tonight. Take us all to court with you, keep us in your mind, willing you on love. We re at your side and have your back.

Do you have any tablets that will help with your anxiety tonight? You need to rest too. and
You are not alone...

*coming (not cooking!)

Children (and adults!) often want things that aren't good for them. Ice cream for breakfast, never to go to school, to drive without being able to see over the dashboard - they all have something. Personally I had full plans for how I would keep my pony on the neighbours garage, working all hours to afford it!

The point is you DD may well want to see her father more. That doesn't mean it's a good idea or that she would like it in reality. Ice cream for all meals makes you sick and you will go off it. Visiting her father may well be fun as a novelty but she wont want it long term - it may sound good to her but that is not the truth.

What is good for her is being with you. You know this, don't let him inside your head and make you doubt it. You are an amazing mum and she is a very lucky little girl yo have you.

He doesn't have this lack of confidence and self-esteem, despite his violence etc, he still believes he should have residency, you know you are not like that, you know your dd is safe with you, yet you struggle with your belief in that. Now more than ever you need to hold strong in that belief as he expect he can railroad you, and rely on your lack of self belief, its part of his abuse, block it out, absolutely.

Strength for tomorrow

Maybe not now but some time in the future, a weekend pattern worth considering with a three year old as a stepping stone to EOW:

week 1: Saturday time with Dad; Sunday with Mum
Week 2: Saturday time with Dad; Sunday with Mum
Week 3: Weekend with Mum
Week 4: Weekend with Dad (if/when overnights are ok)

All going well, in time this would become EOW with Dad:
Week 1: weekend with mum
Week 2: weekend with Dad
Week 3: weekend with Mum
Week 4: weekend with Dad

If you add a regular mid-week visit (perhaps for playground, dinner etc) with Dad in Weeks 1 and 3, she would see him every week.

I understand your frustration at never being free of an awful ex because he is your daughter's father. It's so hard to be a mother and woman trapped in this sort of situation.

Feeling sick with Nerves now [envy[

Thinking of you today. Xxx