To say I’ve won! I’ve actually won!

[YouWinAgain]

Some of you will recognise my story. I hope you do, and yes I am that poster.

In March 2018 I was attacked and had threats made against my life by my husband in front of our DD aged 2 at the time.

I left him and he was a s**t. He and his family made my life hell threatening to take DD out of her Nursery, pinning me against shelves in supermarkets, accusing me of alienating DD from her paternal family, and basically being made to feel like the perpetrator instead of the victim. He also left me and DD living at my mums for 10 days just because he could. He left me with GAD, PTSD and Social Anxiety.

In November he took me to court for full residency of DD, now aged 3, accusing me of emotionally abusing her and not being able to put her first.

It was a rough time for me; I almost gave up at times, felt like everything was against me including the Social Worker who seemed to swap sides after it went to court. She was also at times suggesting 50/50 contact.

I got a SHL (S**t Hot Lawyer) and was still worried, panicking and had to be grounded several times by her and posters on MN thank you all. I had home condition problems when we first split but did my upmost to work with everyone and get myself back on track. At times I felt like it was hopeless even when he didn’t turn up to her appointments or Nativity Play.

DRA hearing is 2 weeks today. Had the final meeting with the SW this morning to give me the S7, I was nervous as I was expecting her to be on ExHs side.

There’s two bits of good news:

1. SW was recommending that DD stay living with me, and contact with ExH be once a week for 2 hours, and then every other Sunday for 5 hours going up to full day contact (9am-5pm) in 3 months’ time and then overnight just Saturday every other weekend from September when DD starts school. SW suggested the weekly contact cannot clash with her appointments or social occasions!

But 2) 2 weeks before the DRA, ExH has decided to drop the residency and just apply for consistent regular contact with DD. He hasn’t asked for a specific pattern so I think my SHL can negotiate.

I am crying with happiness. We still have to go to court on 21st but I’m not worried anymore, they aren’t taking my DD off me. Looks like SW was on DDs side and neither mine or ExHs.

Sometimes it pays to persevere. I’ve won haven’t I? I’ve actually won!

Yeah, it's hard to keep track of which lies you told to different people!

My exh used the mantra to be a good liar you have to have a good memory. Was actually his own downfall!
Good luck op.

We have a slight problem with the S7. Having had a proper read through with my SHL.

Good things:

• ExH contradicts himself a lot, at times denies being violent but then says he was
• ExH blames me for the violence (nice of him) and isn’t currently on medication
• SW recommends DD stays with me
• Nursery sing my praises and have said they want her to keep the current 3 day a week arrangement with her but can accommodate a regular day change (so Friday to Thursday for eg) but don’t think him pulling her out randomly will help her

Bad things:

• ExH is asking for one day every weekend then Thursday - Sunday every other weekend. He’s suggesting we drop her down to 2 days a week at Nursery. SW says she agrees with his suggestion in the report despite telling me verbally she thinks the current arrangement works with adding overnight working up to Friday - Sunday eow
• SW says I have received no support for my depression/anxiety despite me including in my evidence a letter from my GP listing the support
• SW misquoted my mum saying my mums said that I don’t let her into my life and I’m closed off this is not true just last week mum took me to an appointment
• SW says there is no development problems with DD despite quoting that she attends appointments
• SW says that I’ve stopped ExH from being part of her life, saying that although I tell him about appointments I don’t ask him to come (does he need a written invitation every time we go to the Drs? ) she feels if he was allowed to he’d attend

In other news SHL has booked me an equally S**t hot barrister for Monday.

Reassure me that it’s all going to be ok? I am going to see my DD

It's going to be ok. In the meantime, write a calm, factual point by point rebuttal to the things you've listed above. I'm sure your solicitor is already doing so, but it's a good mental exercise to do it yourself, too. Take it with you to court.

I don't think they are bad points they are points that show that both EX and the SW are incapable of being truthful, and are twisting thing for their own purpose and lets face it this SW has already admitted making mistakes so is covering her own arse.

Your SHL and SHB can and will show that these are untrue and that you are indeed doing everything for the best of Mini and you have professionals who will back you up.

And you can show that EX has not taken up contact when you have been offering Mini for contact. Just look at Christmas and New Year you offered and he accepted then at the last minute didn't want Mini, but then he tried to make impossible suggestion to see her so HE would and could mess up and ruin your Christmas.

I just don’t see how 1 weekend day in 4 is fair to me, when I’ve got all the s**t of appointments.

He’s basically suggesting:

Week 1 - Tuesday teatime, Thursday 10am - Sunday 5pm
Week 2 - Tuesday Teatime, Thursday 10am - Friday 5pm, Sunday 10am-5pm

So that’s 4/14, no stopping him then pushing it to 6/14 by wanting her overnight every Sunday.

How is 50/50 in her best interests? SW also suggested his parents have her if he can’t, she doesn’t think first refusal for is in her best interests.

She won’t be there Monday so I can’t even question her about it.

Get your Barrister to object state your reasons in Mini's best interests

She needs equal leisure time with her Mum
School is rapidly approaching
Many weekdays are filled with medical appointments for DD
DD needs to have time to spend with her maternal family
50:50 is not currently in Mini's beat interests (need evidence for this)

What seems fair in terms of 50-50, even if it goes to that much, would be every other weekend plus alternate week days, with collection on the same schedule (morning-morning or pm-pm, evening-evening).

How about:
Fri-Sun, dad - 3 days (this would be eg collect Friday morning, return Monday morning)
Mon-Tue, mum - 2 days
Wed-Thu, dad - 2 days
Fri-Sun, mum- 3 days
Mon-Tue, dad - 2 days
Wed-Thu, mum- 2 days
(repeat)

Having said that, this could be the target schedule.
But the SW suggested less time to start with, so, maybe alternate Saturdays and Sundays (with an overnight) on each weekend to start with, plus one overnight during the week around Wednesday.

I wouldn't directly respond to his proposal and make my own proposal with a justification.

I don't think 50/50 is good for her in general at the moment, I think 1-2 nights a week for tea and EOW is much more manageable. If as she gets older and has less appointments/my granddads no longer around/I'm working and need childcare I'd be happy to look at a 50/50 arrangement but I do not believe 50/50 is good for any young child let alone one who has the problems that DD does.

As well as Random and Lweji's points you need to get your SHB to flag up her diagnosed developmental delay and her need for a regular pattern.
Big up the error about your mental health problem and your mum.

Problem with Lweji's schedule is where am I expected to take her to her appointments? I know the SW said if given the chance he'd take her but I don't think he would, or he'd have at least attended some of them. I've told him about all bar two, which was a dental appointment because it was an emergency appointment for me and as I had DD with me they checked her teeth while she was there so unplanned the other was her flu jab when I had mine at the same time.

This Barrister is supposed to be good. I googled him and he came up on the chambers he works for website plus a couple of local newspaper articles. He says he's a big advocate for women and children following DV. But, I'm so nervous. I struggle with men I don't know thanks to ExH. I keep telling this one is on my side, and I trust my solicitor to do her best for me, she will also be there but has booked this guy as he is so good and she thinks he'll get me a good result - plus it's all paid for by Legal Aid so I can have the best. But it's a man I've never met.

Help. I'm catastrophizing everything again. I can feel myself getting panicky. DD is going to be 12 miles from me in Nursery and what if it all goes wrong and I don't get to her before ExH does? What if I don't get to say a proper goodbye to her?

I am not going to sleep now between now and Monday.

At no point has the SW said that the majority residency should be with Ex, the judge is not going to give him that. The absolute least you will get us working toward 50:50.

You need to decide that If 50:50 is awarded to be worked towards what is the pattern that would work best for Mini.

She is off to school soon so it has to be alternate weekends so that she gets chill out time with both of you. So you decide what you will not budge on for contact pattern as your line in side and what you recognise you may have to compromise on.

The SHB is a professional he will breeze in do his bit and breeze out like a DR or consultant so of him like that

Lovely news. I remember, so pleased for you.

Oh sweetheart, you're catastrophizing again. Deep breaths. Your solicitor knows you. She knows this barrister. She would not have chosen him if she felt he was a threat to any woman. Let alone one who feels vulnerable around men. It will be fine. He'll be nothing but professional.

Just repeat "My solicitor has my best interests at heart".

They're not going to say in court that ex can have her that day, so don't worry about her being in nursery. She'll be fine, and will go home with you, as normal.

No-one has mentioned protecting you from harm in any of this; you have clearly suffered in the extreme, and DD as a direct of exh actions, has your solicitor even raised the issue of protecting you from him? Court has to make sure any rulings keep that in mind, as you already have had completely normal extreme reactions to his extremely abnormal behaviour, and nothing must be ordered like him attending appts with you. I am really shocked at the level of contact (overnights) this abusive man is getting considered. It's not a right of an abuser (criminal) to spend time alone with his victim, when its expected that he will use DD as a pawn to continue abuse against DD and OP.

I am a complete unknown to you OP, and sorry for just dropping in unannounced on your thread! I was reading all the happy news at how verybfar you've come and knowing what a huge undertaking that has been for you.

Try to keep in mind this is the final furlong now, write down you acceptable limits with safety of DD, AND you, foremost, and keep that emphasis, you rule around safety, bearing in mind his previous crimes against you. Give them in writing to solicitor, trust your gut and go with it, don't be bullied by the other side, or even your own barrister to agree to things you don't want to and are unhappy about, take a strong supporter with you, as you need support by your side. Not sure why you've been allocated a male! There are plenty of amazing highly proficient female barristers fighting for women in your situation brilliantly. Maybe your solicitor isn't aware of others?

I thinkbit will help a lot with your anxiety if you write an honest list of what's safe for you and DD, and highlight your PTSD and had etc as a direct result of him, he should have an order against him having any further contact with you and certainly ky not joiningbin with appts or you will never start recovering from it all with him still in your life. You need to feel safe, and we'll apart from him.

I really hope you don't mind my lengthy commentary,and I hope you find something helpful to take from it.

I wish you every strength and win win win!

It was awesome to read what you have achieved. I so hope you can get what you need from the courts to get on with your own happy life as soon as possible.

Well done you!

No-one has mentioned protecting you from harm in any of this

Because no-one cares about me, it's all about him. Him playing the victim, the poor old me, and everyone's falling for it.

Example the S7 report mentions the one email I didn't reply to of ExHs back in July, but doesn't mention the many emails I've sent him and got no reply to. It says I have no support and my mum says I shut her out (which isn't true as I said) and then lists all the people ExH has supporting him, so I look like the crazy mother with no support and he looks like this amazing father whose been wronged.

It's all him denying the abuse, and saying how i haven't coped. Says I obstruct contact and speculates about why I am the way I am (mentions my childhood but not the abuse from ExH I've never talked about my childhood as it's not relevant to the situation now).

It's even got a written statement from his mother in which is 2 sides of A4 basically slagging me off saying how worried they are about DD being in my care as I say "worrying things" and how I over-exaggerate and they can't wait for DD to be in her rightful place with them. My mums misquote is one line, one line, how is that fair? How is this person allowed to supervise?

No-one cares about me or DD. It's all about ExH. He's successfully destroying me.

So I've done everything I can to protect myself:

• Email only contact apart from if it's an emergency - he broke that and regularly texts me on both my new and old numbers. When I told the SW I wanted email only she said I was being silly
• Contact through solicitors only unless an emergency - Got told that I was being petty as we wouldn't have solicitors for ever
• Using a proxy for contact so someone would get her from me then drop her back to me afterwards - Told he was no risk and the courts wouldn't go for it and to get on with it for my DDs sake

My lawyer has been trying to protect me, has been fighting for all of the above for me, but the Social Worker still chooses to bully me - she's held meetings behind my back that I wasn't even aware of and then written in the S7 that I chose not to attend. I am quoted as saying I can't cope in the S7 which isn't what I said, I said I was worried about how I would cope - this was right at the start of SS involvement. SHL says it's clear the SW doesn't believe I was abused as there's no mention of the criminal charges he has against him because of what he did to me. It's mentioned in the Cafcass report from October but not the S7 yet it mentions that I have no criminal offences against me.

SW is at best incompetent at worst a liability. The problem is she's entitled to an opinion. My SHL has been trying her best to combat everything with evidence but the SW either doesn't care or is deliberately ignoring the very obvious evidence in front of her.

And a for the state of my mental health because of him well I'd be here all day but just for a few examples:

• I catastrophize so everything always seems worse than it is
• I have flashbacks and nightmares
• I suffer with insomnia - I have whole weeks were I only sleep for 1-2 hours a night
• I don't like anyone walking to close behind me
• I am paranoid - so this morning when DD went into Nursery in no shoes, jumper or coat because she was chucking a tantrum (as 3 year olds do) I am now waiting for the phonecall from SS to say they're taking her. I am also certain in my head that this is all a set up to make me look bad and give DD to her dad
• I jump everytime my door buzzer goes

But I have combatted this as best I can. I've done everything I can to include ExH in her life. I've done the Freedom Program, I've been religious in taking my medication, I have built up a small support network including a couple of other local women who're in a similar position. I tap into online support via MN and the GDD community.

But yet I still look deranged because I'm the one whose on medication and not him.

The statement from the Nursery says that DD always looks clean, is happy and liked at Nursery, she's polite there. But the SW makes no reference to it at all in the S7, it's literally slotted in as if it shouldn't be there.

Your barrister specialises never DV im sure he's seen and heard it all before ... they all seem to follow a script !

Another thing I wondered about the choice of barrister, is the judge. A lot are still in the dark ages, so maybe the judge would take more notice of a male barrister, than a female.

It's a shameful state of affairs, but it unfortunately still goes on.

Make sure your barrister brings up all the lies and omissions that are on the S7.

Don't forget, when this is over, you can raise a complaint about the SW and her obvious lack of judgement and partiality to your Ex. My brother and I had to do this in totally different circumstances. Initially a complaint to SS and if necessary to HPC. It is not something to take lightly but she seems to have fallen very short in her professional judgement and others may not have your resiliance and support. its worth asking your solicitor later on.

I'd actually consider making a complaint now, in case it goes pear shaped in court. But there may not be time.
At the very least, I'd write a reply to her report, including backup evidence, clarifying those issues. And I'd insist in adding it to the process, if possible.

You should use some of your posts on here complaining about SW as a diary (because they have dates on them) to show new SHB. This woman needs dealing with. I think she's very dangerous.

I've looked into pursing a complaint via the FRG but it's a lot of hopps to jump through, maybe when this is all over I'll do that, although I plan to get divorced next. Can't help wondering if this is all to do what that blocked bank account.

You have to stop this woman, and make a complaint. I think your solicitor is letting you down in not demanding court stop, because of the basis of assumption hat you and dd are safe, you neither of you are, demand a difference judge, and contact Rights of Women, this evening for legal direction, for free. They are the legal dv specialists and can instruct you step by step to to this nonsense and get a proper hearing. You have the evidence.

I hate to bring it up, but did you always have 'fully consensual' sex? Has that been properly acknowledged as I don't want to write what I am trying to say but you know what I mean. Has a marac been done? Or MASH?

I am horrified that women still feel like they have to look as if they are being 'cooperative' and 'willing to assidt', you say 'no' and you keep saying it. Even your own barrister can be bullied by the other barrister, and try try to agree 'terms' to look 'amenable and willing to make considerations, but there is only one, safety, long term for you both, keep stating it and that nothing unsafe will be agrreed to.

Call this evening and tomorrow until you get through, turn this around or you will never recover, and your dd cannot be left alone with a monster. He's not your friend, and you cannot trust him to be around you,or your dd.

Get all the info you can, and spend those hours not sleepin working on it, you might get to sleep!

Have you contacted WA? If so, they keep a record that only you can use as evidence also, and its very easy to request this be sent to you.

What he has done is horrific to your life and wellbeing and that of your dd, and courts have to stop minimising and normalising it. Get sw chucked off and appeal to frg.

Your solicitor should have been saying all this and making sure you are booth protected, this isn't a 'compromise' situation which is a game most play in court, you cannot compromise safety.

Every strength to you OP x

She is pushing her own agenda and that presents a risk to you both, not to mention derailing and side-lining you.