To say I’ve won! I’ve actually won!

[YouWinAgain]

Some of you will recognise my story. I hope you do, and yes I am that poster.

In March 2018 I was attacked and had threats made against my life by my husband in front of our DD aged 2 at the time.

I left him and he was a s**t. He and his family made my life hell threatening to take DD out of her Nursery, pinning me against shelves in supermarkets, accusing me of alienating DD from her paternal family, and basically being made to feel like the perpetrator instead of the victim. He also left me and DD living at my mums for 10 days just because he could. He left me with GAD, PTSD and Social Anxiety.

In November he took me to court for full residency of DD, now aged 3, accusing me of emotionally abusing her and not being able to put her first.

It was a rough time for me; I almost gave up at times, felt like everything was against me including the Social Worker who seemed to swap sides after it went to court. She was also at times suggesting 50/50 contact.

I got a SHL (S**t Hot Lawyer) and was still worried, panicking and had to be grounded several times by her and posters on MN thank you all. I had home condition problems when we first split but did my upmost to work with everyone and get myself back on track. At times I felt like it was hopeless even when he didn’t turn up to her appointments or Nativity Play.

DRA hearing is 2 weeks today. Had the final meeting with the SW this morning to give me the S7, I was nervous as I was expecting her to be on ExHs side.

There’s two bits of good news:

1. SW was recommending that DD stay living with me, and contact with ExH be once a week for 2 hours, and then every other Sunday for 5 hours going up to full day contact (9am-5pm) in 3 months’ time and then overnight just Saturday every other weekend from September when DD starts school. SW suggested the weekly contact cannot clash with her appointments or social occasions!

But 2) 2 weeks before the DRA, ExH has decided to drop the residency and just apply for consistent regular contact with DD. He hasn’t asked for a specific pattern so I think my SHL can negotiate.

I am crying with happiness. We still have to go to court on 21st but I’m not worried anymore, they aren’t taking my DD off me. Looks like SW was on DDs side and neither mine or ExHs.

Sometimes it pays to persevere. I’ve won haven’t I? I’ve actually won!

What will happen is my SHL will put it to his solicitor and then they'll come back as saying "yes" or "no" if they say no then we'll either have to put it to the judge or come up with another solution.

Oh, that's right! I forgot everything needs to go through solicitors. It's never easy is it? Sigh.

Tripped over one of Mini's toys she'd left out, end up landing on my bum, good job it's so big to cushion a landing. Toe and foot when under me, don't think anything's broken but going to have a lovely bruised toe and a limp for a few days!

Ended up "racing" Mini to put her toys away (NB she "won" as I wasn't really taking part), she insisted she needed chocolate afterwards though!

Got praised by the SW today for "communicating better with ExH" which she's going to include it in the Addendum S7 so we hopefully can avoid further hearings.

She also explained why the swimming goes in the report. For two reasons. The EYFS has a bit about having achievements and pride in goals outside of the setting their in, so it proves I am supporting her education and extending it outside of Nursery. She also believes swimming is a life skill and thinks every child should have access to learn "life skills" so it shows I'm teaching or enabling her to learn those things.

So it's all positive

That is fantastic. Great it has been explained to you. More positives.

Thought you'd all like to know that DD got into our first choice school, the one I'd said on here was perfect for her!

Absolutely thrilled, cannot stop randomly crying over it as I was psyched up for a fight to get her in and I don't need to!

Great news! Bet you're so relieved. That's one less thing to worry about, which is always a help.

Things are on the up.

Brilliant!

That's great news but please consider perusing deferring her place a year as she is entitled to be to best suit her needs. The LEA isn't keen but they are not considering what is best for her just what is cheapest for them (ie not having to fund nursery for an additional year)

So pleased you've got the school place. I really hope Mini will be happy there! Roll on September!!!

RandomMess Having discussed it with Nursery with the SW and the HT of the school she's going to there (even though we didn't know she was going there yet) we've decided to give it ago, she's 9 months behind in some areas, but we feel the help and support she will get once she's in a school setting should help her progress even if she doesn't close the gap. Had she got one of the other schools on my list or not given any of them I'd have probably seriously considered deferring, but I do feel positive that it's the right thing for her. A lot of her Nursery friends will be going to school with her and I think it could unsettle her more to see all her friends go off and her be held back.

The HT is so understanding that she's said not to worry too much about getting every item of uniform if Mini can't cope with it, she's said to get Mini into the closest thing to uniform that I can and she (the HT) will ensure that all the teachers are aware so that it doesn't get mentioned to her. They've also said that some of people from the NHS who work with her can go into school to see her so that it's less for me to do; they've agreed for OT and SALT so far but have said if she needs physio or anything else they can go into school too, which is huge for me as it means my time with her can be more focused and fun unlike last week where she had 3 appointments and everything was here there and everywhere.

She's not legal school age for another year so if it all goes tits up it's not the end of the world, I can pull her out or try part time or even HE if absolutely necessary.

Hopefully if it goes tits up you can argue for her to start over in R the following year especially as you originally applied and they ignored her needs!

It sounds like a good plan to me

Glad she got her place. One less thing to worry about. And you can start towards the aim of getting things sorted for her in September!

Yes we can LittleOwl153 back in court next week, although I'm not really sure what to do as he's messing me around again (big shout out to Queenofthestress whose put up with me ranting to her about him sure she'll confirm how great Mini is doing with me and how adorable she is though).

RandomMess We're going to reapply for her EHCP and the SENCO at the school thinks that if we do get it and she needs to repeat YR then we can stipulate it in the EHCP review. Now we know what school she's going to we can tailor the EHCP and get it in place before September 3rd although if it's a couple of weeks later it won't really matter as they're part time for 3 weeks anyway.

You have come so far.

So is ex not really bothering to see or neglecting her needs or just letting his parents do it all on the sly?

He's not even hiding it, he's been trying to manipulate me into letting his mum look after her. And when I said no because I was worried about the 3 hour rule he got abusive.

He's also still not communicating with me at all, if I text him about a same day Dr appointment I don't even get a "thanks for letting me know" back. I text to say what school she got and got nothing in return, although that doesn't surprise me but is frustrating as I text the SW and she sent me a lovely text saying it was great and she was sure Mini will love school and Nursery took time to talk to all the parents about their destinations too if they can manage it her dad can manage a quick text. He completely ignores emails, even when I'm asking for information.

And even the SW has stopped making excuses for him now as she's told him more times than I can count to 10 how he needs to be communicating with me.

But this is good for you and mini as you can ask that she has more time with you such as a full EOW now she is off to school.

He will never be a good Dad so it's best that you do most of the care.

She has a full weekend with me EOW. The current arrangement is 2-5pm Thursday and then EOW 10am Saturday to 4pm Sunday. He keeps being late for the Thursday and saying "Just leave her with my mum" and then texting me 1 hour before the contact on the Saturday to tell me he's working and she needs to be left with his mum. I kept hold of her for one Saturday until he'd finished work and he got abusive with me.

I don't want the courts to impose something on us that doesn't work for any of us, plus it frustrates me that he's happy for her to be passed from pillar to post because it's "his" weekend. I make compromises for that girl all the time - because I love her and want the best for her - but he doesn't seem to have to. I don't want the contact to be cut as I am enjoying my free weekends but if it comes to it I will have her more rather than her be with me.

I also don't like handing over to his mum. She always disliked my parenting when me and ExH were together, so I feel judged and also there's sometimes things which need to be discussed in front of Mini (e.g. behaviour before contact or at Nursery) but I can't really discuss it with his mum as she's not her parent.

It all feels a bit like I said before, about his mum and not about Mini. Her way of trying to get her own contact with Mini when there is no need - my mum hardly ever has Mini alone (once for 1 hour since beginning of March).

I am also concerned as I'm doing a programme to get me back into work and if he's messing me around with contact or passing her around his family like a doll then I can't work, which I am so desperate to do and was one of the reasons I was referred to the programme so that I can work and get myself on a better footing financially and mentally (I'm having counselling and doing voluntary work alongside the programme to hopefully give me some confidence and help to get where I want to be)

*if I have to I will have her with me more so he can work.

Perhaps he could have EOW 4pm Sat to 4pm Sunday or eventually TIL Monday morning? So still an overnight and you would have every Saturday daytime with her?

He has 4pm-4pm EOW before and we had no problems at all, so I might suggest this.

I'd much prefer to have EOW with her as I've been enjoying taking her swimming or for a walk or just having a snuggle morning on the sofa on my Sunday, and it would mean my mum and granddad can have "their" time with her EOW guaranteed as we go to my mums for dinner. I don't want to take that away from any of them, she particularly adores my granddad who she has wrapped round her little finger and he thinks I don't know

His shifts are variable as well so wouldn't actually solve his problems.

Plus on my weekends off I get a lie-in, so I've got the best of both worlds.

He also doesn't drive so not sure how he'd get her to school on time on Monday morning, then add in the complication of his shifts can start at 6.30am and the Nursery BSC doesn't open until 7.30am and the School BSC opens at 8.15am, so no childcare for him (his parents both work nights and finish at 6am so he'd have a shortfall of at least an hour for childcare).

I still say we need to throw a bunch of lemons at the giant wet lettuce

He's changed the contact tomorrow yet again. His email talks about how un-cooperative his work are being, how he's looking for another job.

I feel guilty. I feel sorry for him.

He won't get another job. He has a criminal record. Because of me.

And I feel awful.

He ruined me, and I feel sorry for him.

Someone hand me a grip?