To say I’ve won! I’ve actually won!

[YouWinAgain]

Some of you will recognise my story. I hope you do, and yes I am that poster.

In March 2018 I was attacked and had threats made against my life by my husband in front of our DD aged 2 at the time.

I left him and he was a s**t. He and his family made my life hell threatening to take DD out of her Nursery, pinning me against shelves in supermarkets, accusing me of alienating DD from her paternal family, and basically being made to feel like the perpetrator instead of the victim. He also left me and DD living at my mums for 10 days just because he could. He left me with GAD, PTSD and Social Anxiety.

In November he took me to court for full residency of DD, now aged 3, accusing me of emotionally abusing her and not being able to put her first.

It was a rough time for me; I almost gave up at times, felt like everything was against me including the Social Worker who seemed to swap sides after it went to court. She was also at times suggesting 50/50 contact.

I got a SHL (S**t Hot Lawyer) and was still worried, panicking and had to be grounded several times by her and posters on MN thank you all. I had home condition problems when we first split but did my upmost to work with everyone and get myself back on track. At times I felt like it was hopeless even when he didn’t turn up to her appointments or Nativity Play.

DRA hearing is 2 weeks today. Had the final meeting with the SW this morning to give me the S7, I was nervous as I was expecting her to be on ExHs side.

There’s two bits of good news:

1. SW was recommending that DD stay living with me, and contact with ExH be once a week for 2 hours, and then every other Sunday for 5 hours going up to full day contact (9am-5pm) in 3 months’ time and then overnight just Saturday every other weekend from September when DD starts school. SW suggested the weekly contact cannot clash with her appointments or social occasions!

But 2) 2 weeks before the DRA, ExH has decided to drop the residency and just apply for consistent regular contact with DD. He hasn’t asked for a specific pattern so I think my SHL can negotiate.

I am crying with happiness. We still have to go to court on 21st but I’m not worried anymore, they aren’t taking my DD off me. Looks like SW was on DDs side and neither mine or ExHs.

Sometimes it pays to persevere. I’ve won haven’t I? I’ve actually won!

He has a criminal record because of what HE did to you. And Mini.
It's not your fault. It's all him. Please try to remember this.

Erm he's a nasty abusive manipulative person, he is only suffering the consequences of his own actions. Passes over grip...

He has a criminal record because he is a criminal! Imagine if it was your daughter, would you want her to report the attacker? You did the right thing

Of course if it was Mini, or my mum, or any one, I'd want the person reported.

I just can't help feeling guilty for poor Mini, like it's my fault she's losing time with her dad.

Well, it's not your fault. He didn't have to attack you, and anyway, I don't believe a word he says. He's just using that as an excuse, so he can dick you around, but look like he's trying to be reasonable.

Come on, you know what he's like.

It's not your fault at all. It's his, if he wasn't a gigantic abussive twat she would get all of her time with him because you wouldn't have separated.

He's manipulating you. He is getting what he wants, which is yo fuck you about, and make you feel that it is your fault. I know it is hard to see when you're involved but I promise you he is the bad guy in this. And also 100% responsible for his criminal record.

If he really wanted to spend time with Mini he would cooperate fully. That's not what he does.

Youre not at fault here. He chose to abuse you. He could of been a proper man and not chosen domestic violence as a solution.

Make sure all of this is recorded

Feeling a lot happier today. I've decided what I'm going to ask for in court on Wednesday and I'm getting new glasses which are much needed but I've been putting off getting but couldn't do so any longer (I've been getting headaches and blurred vision even with my current glasses on) - treating myself to posh ones that change to sunglasses in the sun could turn out to be the best £100 I ever spend on myself (and to me that is a heck of a lot of money so I didn't spend it lightly!)

Going to offer to go back to the 4pm-4pm overnight, which we had when we were building up to full day overnight contact. We had no problems with it at all and it means he can still work on the Saturday. I will say if he gets another job that facilitates the full day we will go back to it but with his current job it's not working.

Good old granddad made Mini a rice crispie cake with mini eggs on top, because she didn't have enough chocolate

You are doing great. He is still being his manipulative self. Don’t feel sorry for him. He got himself into this situation. His own actions.

You are doing so well! Keep on going. Don’t let him and his behaviour get to you. You are doing what is right for you and Mini.

I offered him extra contact today with it being Easter Sunday and he sent her back early. His reason? She was tired.

No more tired than normal, and took ages to go off to sleep despite my attempts to put her down early.

I was actually worried about her when he asked me to come get her, thought she was ill or something!

Good job I can't send her away because she's a bit tired and might play up isn't it?

Good luck 💐

Please someone calm my nerves.

SHL says there's a problem with her attending tomorrow and her two colleagues (one of whom attended the very first hearing) are both in court themselves tomorrow so I might be on my own for at least the first part possibly the whole thing.

I can't do this on my own

You can you know you can, you stick to the facts

Could your granddad come with you?

If not, make sure you've got all your notes, diary of all the times he's mucked you about with his contact time, etc, and anything else you need.

I'm afraid I have no experience of this, so I don't know what else to advise, or how to reassure you, other than to take some deep breaths before you go in, and try to think of us, supporting you.

What time is it? I'll be thinking about you, sending you strength.

My mum will be with me but she's not allowed into the actual court with me. SW is also supposed to be there, but not sure if she might still be on Easter holidays with her own kids and last time she sat behind ExH (she said it wasn't to show support to him, it's procedure and how it works).

It's at 10am, I'll be at the court from 8.30am.

Do Family Courts have 'MacKenzie' friends ? They are volunteers who will literally sit next to you in court and support you during the hearing. When you get there in the morning - ask the court official if they have anyone who can support you.

I'm glad to hear you won't be completely on your own. Even though your mum can@t come into the hearing with you, at least she'll be there while you're waiting, so you've got someone to talk to, and support you.

I'll be sending good wishes at 10.

Me and my mum fall out a lot but when I need her she's there. She also does all the driving in these situations so I can focus on calming my nerves.

My SHL has said she might have found someone but can't confirm until 8am, I'll already be on my way to court by then so may not know if someones coming until they turn up...or not...

I'm thinking of YouWin today, remember you have the power of Mumsnet holding your hand and silently supporting.

Hope it went as well as it could. x

I've been thinking about you, and sending strength. Hope things are ok.

Thinking of you