To say I’ve won! I’ve actually won!

[YouWinAgain]

Some of you will recognise my story. I hope you do, and yes I am that poster.

In March 2018 I was attacked and had threats made against my life by my husband in front of our DD aged 2 at the time.

I left him and he was a s**t. He and his family made my life hell threatening to take DD out of her Nursery, pinning me against shelves in supermarkets, accusing me of alienating DD from her paternal family, and basically being made to feel like the perpetrator instead of the victim. He also left me and DD living at my mums for 10 days just because he could. He left me with GAD, PTSD and Social Anxiety.

In November he took me to court for full residency of DD, now aged 3, accusing me of emotionally abusing her and not being able to put her first.

It was a rough time for me; I almost gave up at times, felt like everything was against me including the Social Worker who seemed to swap sides after it went to court. She was also at times suggesting 50/50 contact.

I got a SHL (S**t Hot Lawyer) and was still worried, panicking and had to be grounded several times by her and posters on MN thank you all. I had home condition problems when we first split but did my upmost to work with everyone and get myself back on track. At times I felt like it was hopeless even when he didn’t turn up to her appointments or Nativity Play.

DRA hearing is 2 weeks today. Had the final meeting with the SW this morning to give me the S7, I was nervous as I was expecting her to be on ExHs side.

There’s two bits of good news:

1. SW was recommending that DD stay living with me, and contact with ExH be once a week for 2 hours, and then every other Sunday for 5 hours going up to full day contact (9am-5pm) in 3 months’ time and then overnight just Saturday every other weekend from September when DD starts school. SW suggested the weekly contact cannot clash with her appointments or social occasions!

But 2) 2 weeks before the DRA, ExH has decided to drop the residency and just apply for consistent regular contact with DD. He hasn’t asked for a specific pattern so I think my SHL can negotiate.

I am crying with happiness. We still have to go to court on 21st but I’m not worried anymore, they aren’t taking my DD off me. Looks like SW was on DDs side and neither mine or ExHs.

Sometimes it pays to persevere. I’ve won haven’t I? I’ve actually won!

I could defer her but she'd go straight into Year 1 which I believe would be even more of a disaster, the HT of the school I want was happy for her to start in Reception in Sept 2020 but I'm in an area with a 3 tier system so she'd either have to start in Year 1 or miss Year 3 or 4 completely to be with her peer group.

HT of the school I want for her (find out in a few weeks if we've got it) has said if she needs to do half days until Easter or all year she can but again I'm not sure that's best either. I do think this time next year we'll be discussing Special Schools or repeating Reception Year which again comes with it's own problems.

The law has changed?

Summer born babies can defer and start school in reception and stay with that year group.

You have the right to ask the Admissions authorities for them to be admitted out of their normal age group. The admissions authority are required to make decisions in the child's best interests.

I would carry on with your application but also apply to LEA for her to delay entry to reception for the year as she has clear medical/SEN need that would make that in her best interests plus you are happy for her to continue with her 30 hours per week.

I spoke to the education person at the council and she said they didn't like them being out of year group, and she'd have to move with her peer group at some point in her school life probably when moving from Primary to Middle School at the end of Year 4 so she'd either skip year 3 do year 4 with her peer group and move up to Middle School with them or skip Year 4 and move to Middle School at the end of Year 3, it depends on the Middle School so they encourage parents to put them straight into year 1 - it's too with how school funding works. Even if the middle school agreed there's no chance the High School would agree so she'd either skip Year 7 or 8 to move to Year 9 with her peers.

The other issue is if she does go into Reception the council gives priority to the correct aged children before the deferred children so she may not actually get placed within my town, and as I don't always have access to a car and wouldn't be eligible for transport I may not be able to get her to school.

It's all a mess. I do agree we start school far too young in this country and I know she's not going to cope with fulltime school as she can barely manage 3 days at Nursery.

Yes, the law has changed. Assuming you are in England, you can start a summer born (1st April -31st August) a year late and they can stay that way. Headteacher gets final say I believe but I cant see how any head would want to force a child as you describe Mini to be I to Education too early. Maybe something to talk to her medical team about?

It sounds to me like they are treating her as a 'normal' child - from what you say though she isn't!! Does she have what used to be called a statement of special educational needs? I cant remember what it is called now. Speak to nursery about it - I would have thought given her other issues she should have seen an education psychologist. She needs a school that can meet her needs from day 1, otherwise education will turn into a whole world of pain. The statement can say she needs to go to x school, it can also insist on full deferment if that is felt right for her. There is a kid in my dad's class who is a 'year' older had issues. He repeated reception and has since stayed with them and will continue with them onto secondary.

You can challenge the LEA state the law, state that you have significant medical back up to support it being in Mini best interests. Ask for expert help on the education board here to help you win the case.

Due to Mini global development delay it really is worth the fight, you can do this!!!

We applied for an EHCP but it was rejected because the LA say she needs to have 10 hours of 1-1 a week to justify one which is basically a whole day in Nursery which she currently doesn't have, although she does have extra support.

I don't know where you are but here ECHP applications are almost always turned down first go, no matter how valid they are. They save some.money this way as some.parents just accept that. If you appeal 90% of the time the council concedes the day before the appeal because they know they will lose. Might be worth appealing the echp?

Might have just had a heart attack, picked mini up from contact and she comes out with a card and present for me for Mother's Day! She says she picked them herself. It's only a bar of dairy milk but I don't care her actually remembered!

Aww that's lovely.

The Thursday problem, would this work as a better solution? Suggested by a friend

We cut the Thursday time down to two hours (so say 3.30-5.30 to mimic what it'll be from September). He loses 2 hours, but we extend her contact EOW to 6pm as she isn't as keen on the weekend bedtime hour programmes so I can record some shorter ones for her so she's in bed by 7.15pm. Still later but more manageable?

Not sure if it'd work though?

That means he loses no time with her in reality as she's picked up EOW at 4pm currently

Sorry current Thursday contact is 3 hours, so he'd lose 2 hours over a fortnight, but gain them on his weekend IYSWIM.

You can certainly propose it to him. You can also state that once she can cope with a later bedtime that if he prefers you can switch back.

Will certainly look bad on him if he flat out refuses!

I think it sounds reasonable. And if you stress to him that he's not losing any time with her 'over all', I'd hope he would be ok with it.

What time does he pick her up EOW? Could that be made 1/2 hour earlier so his time 'ends' at 5.30 instead of 6? That would get Mini to bed around 6.45 instead of 7.15.

As long as the over all hours are the same he'll look a right twat refusing

I drop her off at 10am on the Saturday EOW, I could offer to drop her off as soon as she's ready and no later than 10am but there's a chance it won't be much before 10am as I don't have the car at all on Saturdays so have to walk the 2 miles to his house from mine.

The fact that there's a 69 in the post amount has amused me so much I'm going to wreck it

And I would do what your friend thought of!

Any chance he'd be willing to pick up EOW at 9.30 am rather than you walking her there? I guess in the long run 9.30 or 10 am doesn't make that much difference. I'm just thinking of Mini being able to get to sleep a half hour earlier. I know with my two when they were that age a half hour more sleep made a difference in them the next day!

Are you and he sharing a car? I'm confused about 'not having the car' on Saturday.

(Remember that I live in the US and having a car is 'second nature' to us here. I realize it's not the same in the UK)

I car share with my mum AcrossthePond55 and she needs it on Saturdays as she ferries my granddad around, which is fair enough.

The order states I will do pick up and drop off to him which is fine because I can't trust him to not mess me around with contact i.e. saying he's left at the end time of the contact so he gets more time with her, plus it also eats into his contact time and I want her to have as much time as possible with her dad.

😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆 Well done!

Got it!

If you can't shift the time, then I'm sure she'll be fine getting to bed a little late just the one evening. She may be tired enough that she falls asleep during her TV shows, anyway.

I think what I'll do is say she has to be back with me by 5.30pm, and offer him to cut short the contact from 24th April. Or have the current 3 hour arrangement end of 31st August (first day of school is 3rd September) and say from then on he has 2 hours and then extend the EOW so he loses no time.

I think, if you can, if you put it as a 'request' rather than just 'telling him' you may have more success, especially if you stress that he's not losing time AND that it's better for Mini as she'll get her full night's sleep.

It's a pain to have to deal with someone so difficult on such an important thing.