To say I’ve won! I’ve actually won!

[YouWinAgain]

Some of you will recognise my story. I hope you do, and yes I am that poster.

In March 2018 I was attacked and had threats made against my life by my husband in front of our DD aged 2 at the time.

I left him and he was a s**t. He and his family made my life hell threatening to take DD out of her Nursery, pinning me against shelves in supermarkets, accusing me of alienating DD from her paternal family, and basically being made to feel like the perpetrator instead of the victim. He also left me and DD living at my mums for 10 days just because he could. He left me with GAD, PTSD and Social Anxiety.

In November he took me to court for full residency of DD, now aged 3, accusing me of emotionally abusing her and not being able to put her first.

It was a rough time for me; I almost gave up at times, felt like everything was against me including the Social Worker who seemed to swap sides after it went to court. She was also at times suggesting 50/50 contact.

I got a SHL (S**t Hot Lawyer) and was still worried, panicking and had to be grounded several times by her and posters on MN thank you all. I had home condition problems when we first split but did my upmost to work with everyone and get myself back on track. At times I felt like it was hopeless even when he didn’t turn up to her appointments or Nativity Play.

DRA hearing is 2 weeks today. Had the final meeting with the SW this morning to give me the S7, I was nervous as I was expecting her to be on ExHs side.

There’s two bits of good news:

1. SW was recommending that DD stay living with me, and contact with ExH be once a week for 2 hours, and then every other Sunday for 5 hours going up to full day contact (9am-5pm) in 3 months’ time and then overnight just Saturday every other weekend from September when DD starts school. SW suggested the weekly contact cannot clash with her appointments or social occasions!

But 2) 2 weeks before the DRA, ExH has decided to drop the residency and just apply for consistent regular contact with DD. He hasn’t asked for a specific pattern so I think my SHL can negotiate.

I am crying with happiness. We still have to go to court on 21st but I’m not worried anymore, they aren’t taking my DD off me. Looks like SW was on DDs side and neither mine or ExHs.

Sometimes it pays to persevere. I’ve won haven’t I? I’ve actually won!

I need a bit of help/perspective.

The overnights have been going 6 weeks now (so 3 overnights).

On Saturday we were due to have the first 10am Sat - 4pm Sun but ExH was working.I dropped her at 1.30pm but ExH wasn't there, now I'm happy to leave her with his mum occasionally but Mini said they got into grandads car and went shopping. When they got home she says they watched bedtime hour.

1. I wasn't aware that I was leaving her with his mum, not much I could do about it

2. The shopping trip suggests she was with his parents for more than 3 hours which breaks the terms of the order.

I don't know what to do about either of these, I am going to ask that in future he makes me aware that it'll be his parents having her. Of course Mini could be wrong, she's told me before that she's seen X friend from Nursery on a day they're not in so I want to enquire but don't know how to do so without seeming accusatory. I also don't know whether to just let it lie, because both Mini and I are enjoying the overnights - nothing better than a bit of freedom even if I don't use it, it's liberating to know if I want to save myself the delivery charge on the takeaway and walk up to it I can.

Other problem is he keeps changing the time on Thursdays from 2-5pm to 3-6pm. It's having a knock on affect on Friday's at Nursery as if I get her back 6pm, we get in 6.15-6.30ish, I rewind bedtime hour on Cbeebies so she watches that she's not in bed until 7.45-8pmish. Which doesn't seem late but when we're up at 6.45 in the morning for Nursery, I have to wake her up (usually I hear her stirring about 6.30ish and she gets herself sat up and awake before I go in and get her out of bed). This is meaning she's having huge tantrums on Friday morning, I drop her at Nursery she's upset and stressed, and I feel awful. It's not a nice way to start the day.

When I've discussed the Thursday problem with SW she's said that Mini may need to compromise, either she misses morning Nursery on Friday to account for the extra sleep or she misses bedtime hour. She won't go to sleep without bedtime hour, I've tried.

Missing Friday morning Nursery is an option for now but from September she won't just be able to miss school every Friday morning technically she could be only for Reception Year, and I don't think it's a routine I want to get into when she already misses an average of a morning a week at Nursery due to her SN and her appointments so want a different solution.

My SHL has suggested that the order state she is back in my care by 5.30pm (and she said if he misses 30 mins or more of contact due to work that's his problem) and then I work on pushing her routine back in small increments until she can cope with an 8pm bedtime, between now and September so he can have her 3.30-6pm after school (remembering that from September she won't need to be up at 6.45 unless I need to use breakfast club, as school doesn't start until 9.05am and it's less than 1/4 of a mile from my house if she gets the school I want). SW did get a bit funny with that, but I felt this was a better solution, not sure whether the courts would see it that way though?

Hmm, not sure what to suggest. Could you drop her off at nursery half an hour later, and cut the Bedtime to half an hour?

Make sure you're noting down all these breaches of the CO, (including last Saturday. She most likely did go shopping with her grandparents) and get your barrister to bring it up during the hearing. He's pushing the boundaries, to see how far he can push, and also to piss you off.

She does like breakfast at Nursery (she has more choice there than at home) and I am paying for her to have the breakfast (it's included in a full days price so wouldn't save me money) but I could drop her after breakfast on a Friday.

I can't cut bedtime by half an hour, as she watches the full Cbeebies bedtime hour. She loves it, if I try turning it off she says "but it's not bedtime yet, Iggle Piggle not sleep in boat yet"

Why don't you cut down on the first half of bedtime hour?

Pre record it from the day before so you can "cheat".

When she starts school she will be exhausted and I can't imagine her coping with an 8pm bedtime!

She will need an 8pm bedtime at least one day a week anyway as I'm planning to move her swimming lesson to a weeknight (probably Tuesday) so it would only be max twice a week.

I already record bedtime hour and fast forward through the presenter bits as she doesn't like the cbeebies presenters (except the dog) but it only cuts 10 minutes or so out of it, she likes the actual programmes especially Moon and Me which is on first. Could try cutting clangers in the middle out to give me 10 minutes or so, so then it's moon and me which is half an hour and then In the Night Garden which is 20 minutes.

Could you put it on 2x speed to speed it up? I've done that with recorded shows

I already speed up through the presenter bits, to the top speed, but she wants to watch the actual programmes so would need to watch them at the actual speed it's shown at.

I'm not trying to be awkward, I want what's best for DD but I do believe he should have to make compromises and not DD, it's not fair on her.

I think you need to see why the social worker was a bit funny at that, but I've found that as DS has got older he's a bit more flexible with his bedtime which most kids are. Your social worker should know this...
The problem I can see with it is that your SHL wants the court order to state she is back in your care by 5.30pm, but in the next sentence it says after school 3.30 to 6.30 which isnt possible if the CO states 5.30

I think SHL wants 5.30 until September, which you can state an end date.

I didnt know that, that bit of information will be useful in future
Hmmm I think your best bet is speak to the social worker about her concerns so its out in the open and get that whacked in the order as soon as SHL can

I didnt know that, that bit of information will be useful in future

From what I can tell anything can be written into a CAO. That's why our current one lists start and end dates for certain things.

You never know then, if my dippy ex takes me to court he might actually be on fecking time for once

So spoke to SW, and can sort of see her point.

She says that she feels that if Mini is still not ready for an 8pm bedtime from September then we're stuck and it's not fair to her. She doesn't have a suggestion though of how we get round the later contact times.

Howling laughing at the poem Mini wrote at Nursery for Mother's Day

My mummy's name is (my full name including middle and surname)
My mummy is 4 years old
My mummy has red then brown hair and blue eyes
My mummy's favourite colour is green
My mummy's favourite food is ketchup
My favourite thing to do with mummy is making cakes
I love my mummy because She tickles me, I like that

Then it says: "This is what my mummy looks like" and she's drawn a head with an arm coming off it to the other side of the page, looks like I'm on a lead.

I am crying it's so funny . I didn't even know she knew my full name (useful if she's ever lost from me though I suppose!).And my favourite food is not ketchup...

How old is she again? My youngest is nearly eight and goes to bed at seven. She is capable of staying up a bit later but is an early riser regardless of when she goes to sleep. She will get very cranky and extra tired and meh, if she doesn't go around seven. I wouldn't expect much younger kids to be expected to stay up til eight. That seems madness.

One of mine was asleep by 6pm for the whole of reception the others it was still 7pm. School exhausts them!

TheYoungOffendersMum She's 3, will be 4 end of June and starts school in September.

It's so hard to know what to do, as I want her to have contact with her dad but I know his shifts are meaning it's becoming impossible.

RandomMess She's only in Nursery 3 days currently but that's a bit much for her, she's usually asleep within 10 minutes of me putting her to bed on Nursery days, often on Wednesday when she's done the 2 days in a row she falls asleep walking home. She is up at 6.45 on Nursery days, I have been known to leave her for an hour on none Nursery days and she's sometimes fallen back to sleep.

8pm bedtime once she starts school sounds very unrealistic to me as the parent of a reception child. Even now 730 and he is over done. My dd was as bad - if not worse. I think 7pm was her cut off as I recall. (We have a 730 get up for a 10min walk to school for 845 start and it's still a rush - partly I think due to being tired)
We swim at 515, and often fall asleep on route home. Hoping to get earlier time with next class change.

I think you are going to have to work on the cbeebies thing. It does sound a bit petty to cut down dads access so she can watch t v. Maybe if shes been out for the evening whether that is dads or swimming or whatever then she only gets 1 programme? (She'll grow out of iggle piggle soon I suspect anyway)

I can't just cut it or let her watch one programme, she's got a developmental delay so is more like a just turned 2 year old and is suspected to have Autism and/or ADHD, so her routine is so important to her. I have tried only letting her watch one programme and she won't go to sleep, shouts and gets upset then I get complaints from the neighbours about it.

*Just turned 3 year old not 2

I know you can't change things easily but over time you May have to change her routine so it's consistently shorter every day "big girls don't watch x"

You need to be realistic that she will likely need much more sleep when she starts school than she does now.

She already gets 12 hours plus a 1 hour nap most days.

I am dreading her starting school as it is.

I bet he hasn't these worries.

Trying to balance everything, keep her in routine, ensure she attends enough Nursery to actually benefit, and now considering yet more compromises around HIS shifts.

arrghh.

Is it worth defeating her starting school for a year?

The only thing I'm not sure of is about the 30 hour nursery entitlement?

Just reading you last few responses my thoughts are the same. If she is so far delayed, is school the right thing? I have a (sn but less so it sounds) August born, she went into school fine, but is struggling now and has been for quite a while. I often wonder about whether I should have tried to hold her back.