To say I’ve won! I’ve actually won!

[YouWinAgain]

Some of you will recognise my story. I hope you do, and yes I am that poster.

In March 2018 I was attacked and had threats made against my life by my husband in front of our DD aged 2 at the time.

I left him and he was a s**t. He and his family made my life hell threatening to take DD out of her Nursery, pinning me against shelves in supermarkets, accusing me of alienating DD from her paternal family, and basically being made to feel like the perpetrator instead of the victim. He also left me and DD living at my mums for 10 days just because he could. He left me with GAD, PTSD and Social Anxiety.

In November he took me to court for full residency of DD, now aged 3, accusing me of emotionally abusing her and not being able to put her first.

It was a rough time for me; I almost gave up at times, felt like everything was against me including the Social Worker who seemed to swap sides after it went to court. She was also at times suggesting 50/50 contact.

I got a SHL (S**t Hot Lawyer) and was still worried, panicking and had to be grounded several times by her and posters on MN thank you all. I had home condition problems when we first split but did my upmost to work with everyone and get myself back on track. At times I felt like it was hopeless even when he didn’t turn up to her appointments or Nativity Play.

DRA hearing is 2 weeks today. Had the final meeting with the SW this morning to give me the S7, I was nervous as I was expecting her to be on ExHs side.

There’s two bits of good news:

1. SW was recommending that DD stay living with me, and contact with ExH be once a week for 2 hours, and then every other Sunday for 5 hours going up to full day contact (9am-5pm) in 3 months’ time and then overnight just Saturday every other weekend from September when DD starts school. SW suggested the weekly contact cannot clash with her appointments or social occasions!

But 2) 2 weeks before the DRA, ExH has decided to drop the residency and just apply for consistent regular contact with DD. He hasn’t asked for a specific pattern so I think my SHL can negotiate.

I am crying with happiness. We still have to go to court on 21st but I’m not worried anymore, they aren’t taking my DD off me. Looks like SW was on DDs side and neither mine or ExHs.

Sometimes it pays to persevere. I’ve won haven’t I? I’ve actually won!

They do look yummy.

I wonder if he kept her in nappies while she was there, and she's now being lazy.

Motoko I think that's what Random was hinting at, it does seem likely. I don't want to ask her in case it gives her the idea and she says it because I suggested it.

Time to just send one overnight nappy and I would seriously suggest getting a few washable toddler size cloth nappies instead!

I wonder if he kept her in nappies while she was there, and she's now being lazy. or Mini had a few accidents and he shouted and frighten her.

I would encourage her to be a 'big girl' like her friends and wear knickers.

I think you should mention it to SW. She skowed signs of nappy rash, wants to go back into nappies, had a wet incident -possible signs ot regression over the weekend. May be she can ask him how the potty trainng is going with him.

I would also send extra pants and leggings with her so she would have enough changes if she did have accidents there, I know You shouldn't have to provide all this put it then can't be held against you.

Stressed out, the chat with the SW didn't help at all.

So I'm awake at 10pm at night scrubbing my kitchen as it's the best way to relieve my stress.

Bathroom next.

Might get some sleep at some point...

Kitchen and bathroom spotless, just need to change the cat litter and find the other bath mat, but that can wait until morning.

I'm planning to shampoo my carpets tomorrow.

Think my anxiety around not being good enough has developed into OCD cleaning

Oh dear, do go to bed

I went to bed about midnight, and woke up at 7am as normal to get DD to Nursery.

Have put the shampoo on the carpets will pop to b+m and then steam clean it off. Then I'll hoover.

I've even managed breakfast this morning which is odd for me.

How did madame do at nursery today?

Wet herself all over the managers shoes...she laughed it off as a hazard of the job, can't say I'd be that understanding if it was me considering they were right next to the toilets (they 5 toilet cubicles and 5 sinks).

She's been swimming so extremely tired but is doing well there too.

She was very excited to invite me to the Mother's Day Afternoon Tea on the Friday before MD .

I'm just wondering if MD could speak to the ex about her wetting and see if she can suss out whether hes putting her in pull-ups?

The contract is between me and Nursery so they can't get involved unless her rings up and asks for information about her.

Due to the court order saying I can't change Mini's days or times at Nursery permanently without discussing it with ExH I mentioned to him about cutting her to either 2 days a week for the 6 weeks holidays or pulling her out in the middle of August 2 weeks before school starts to save myself money. He wasn't happy with either of these and wanted her to stay in 3 days a week until September, so I spoke to my SHL.

The first thing she did was speak to the SW to see if she could get the SW to speak to ExH about it.

I've been forwarded this email:

"Hi (SHL),
We are aware of the situation regarding the increase of fees at (Nursery Name) and understand YouWins position financially.

I was under the impression that the clause to do with education and childcare didn't apply if (ExH) is not contributing financially. He is paying (amount) of Maintenance per month, but this is a contribution to living costs and not childcare. Therefore if YouWin decides to reduce Mini's time in Nursery and (ExH) is unhappy with this he can choose to pay the extra money to keep her in otherwise he has no say. I am happy to write this in the addendum Section 7 for court. I would expect YouWin to consult (ExH) from September if she decided to change Mini's school or remove her completely but in this case I believe it is YouWins decision as the contract is with her and (Nursery Name). I would be supportive of a reduction of Nursery days to either 2 days or by being removed 2 weeks prior to starting school the latter being my preferred option for MiniYou but could understand and support the first option too"

So she's basically saying I can do what I want re Nursery....interesting

That’s brilliant news OP. Means you control how often and when your dc goes to nursery. If ex doesn’t like it, and wants dc to go more often, then he has to pay.
Sounds like a win to me

That's great!!

And it only makes sense. If the Arsehole wants her in more days, he can jolly well pay for it.....which he won't.

I hope your SHL told the SW that, yes, it would be good to have that in written form for the court.

Yep, that's brilliant!

I bet he only said no, because he knew you would find it difficult to pay. You can bet that once he knows that if he wants her to go the 3rd day, he has to pay for it, he'll "reluctantly" agree to her dropping that day.

I say "reluctantly" in inverted commas, because he doesn't actually give a shit how many days she goes, but he'll make out that he's considered it, and although he'd rather she did go, he understands your position, and unfortunately can't afford to pay it himself. He'll put on an act, like a concerned father, but it'll all be bullshit.

I also think it's because he's trying to control me still using money.

He was a little bit financially abusive in that if all bills where paid including nursery, and there was money left over. rather than splitting it he'd go out and spend it all often leaving me with shoes falling apart or clothes that didn't fit. When asked he'd always say "well I earned it". If i transferred the money to my bank account to stop him spending it (so it was a fair amount each say £20 or so each) he'd say I "owed" him and make me pay it back.

He also went massively overdrawn on his own individual bank account because he forgot to transfer the bills in his name over to the joint account when we go married - and blamed me for it!

SW knows all this, so I think they're trying to stop him using money to continue to abuse/control me.

I think he wanted to limit your time with mini, make you spend money you didn't have and use the CO against you and try make out you weren't doing "the best" for mini.

Control, control, control....

Sounds like the SW has got the bones of him now OP, and is working on everyone’s best interests, especially Mini, which is great to see

Feeling a bit sad for Mini.

In the last meeting the manager mentioned that she was small and petite in size in comparison to the other children and although in proportion she does get mistaken for a younger child by new staff starting, and that sometimes unintentionally the other children run past her and knock her over or push her out of the way as she's so little.

I didn't see it until today. Just checked Tapestry and there's a photo of them all in their pyjamas for RND, and Mini is a least 3 inches smaller than even the youngest child there (youngest child had her 3rd birthday last week and Mini is 4 in June so 8 months older). The only other child that is her height has a diagnosed growth condition (I know as I spoke to the mum) and even she's a bit taller than Mini

The Manager did also say she's liked by the bigger kids and the school children who do BSC and ASC there like to baby her, which Mini finds hilarious. No wonder she keeps saying "I'm a baby".

Feel gutted for her though. I was one of the smallest children at school but I was always the same size as my friends.

Don't be sad, mini like you is just a little framed person. You can do nothing about it so try not to worry.

My DD2 was always the smallest in her class her clothes sizes were 2 or 3 years younger then her actual age.

Then she got to 10. For example at the start of year 5 her P E kit was for age 5 to 6 and they were still a bit loose at the waist. When she finished year 5 her PE kit was for age 10/11 and she grew 9 inches. And is now the same size as the rest of her classmates.

Don’t worry too much. My dd has always been petite. She was always the smallest in class and out at the front when the class photos were taken. She was very often mistaken for a younger child and spent the first few years going to school in clothes that were way too big for her.

Her last school photo taken (year 6), they had to put her at the back as she’s the second tallest in class - inc the boys! she’s only a few inches shorter than me now and I’m complaining I cant find trousers that are long enough for her, that fit at the waist

I'm panicking about uniform for September. I'm not too worried about skirts/tights as she's currently got two 3-4 years skirts which are miles too big. But she's in a 3-4 jumper at Nursery and it's like a dress on her.

The smallest size jumper with logo I've found on the uniform website for any of the schools s 5-6 years. It'll fit her until she leaves in year 4! (3 tier system)