To say I’ve won! I’ve actually won!

[YouWinAgain]

Some of you will recognise my story. I hope you do, and yes I am that poster.

In March 2018 I was attacked and had threats made against my life by my husband in front of our DD aged 2 at the time.

I left him and he was a s**t. He and his family made my life hell threatening to take DD out of her Nursery, pinning me against shelves in supermarkets, accusing me of alienating DD from her paternal family, and basically being made to feel like the perpetrator instead of the victim. He also left me and DD living at my mums for 10 days just because he could. He left me with GAD, PTSD and Social Anxiety.

In November he took me to court for full residency of DD, now aged 3, accusing me of emotionally abusing her and not being able to put her first.

It was a rough time for me; I almost gave up at times, felt like everything was against me including the Social Worker who seemed to swap sides after it went to court. She was also at times suggesting 50/50 contact.

I got a SHL (S**t Hot Lawyer) and was still worried, panicking and had to be grounded several times by her and posters on MN thank you all. I had home condition problems when we first split but did my upmost to work with everyone and get myself back on track. At times I felt like it was hopeless even when he didn’t turn up to her appointments or Nativity Play.

DRA hearing is 2 weeks today. Had the final meeting with the SW this morning to give me the S7, I was nervous as I was expecting her to be on ExHs side.

There’s two bits of good news:

1. SW was recommending that DD stay living with me, and contact with ExH be once a week for 2 hours, and then every other Sunday for 5 hours going up to full day contact (9am-5pm) in 3 months’ time and then overnight just Saturday every other weekend from September when DD starts school. SW suggested the weekly contact cannot clash with her appointments or social occasions!

But 2) 2 weeks before the DRA, ExH has decided to drop the residency and just apply for consistent regular contact with DD. He hasn’t asked for a specific pattern so I think my SHL can negotiate.

I am crying with happiness. We still have to go to court on 21st but I’m not worried anymore, they aren’t taking my DD off me. Looks like SW was on DDs side and neither mine or ExHs.

Sometimes it pays to persevere. I’ve won haven’t I? I’ve actually won!

No contact book.

I've spoken to the Social Worker unofficially about it last week but she says if she raises it with him she will have to put it in her report and make the courts aware of it - which I can understand as it's a safeguarding issue isn't it?

It sounds like he could do with a basic parenting course

Could you introduce a contact book? Something like "DD tends to have damp pants and if she doesn't have a quick bath every evening and clean knickers every morning she seems to get very sore quickly"

He may completely ignore it of course...

You do need a record of it with SS otherwise it could appear that it's your lack of care causing it. He could say she was fine when he dropped her off.

How good is Mini regarding the rules such as "clean pants every day", get her knickers with days of the week on...

I send spare pants, they are in her bag, along with her nappies for nighttime. He just doesn't bother to change them.

Mini has no concept of "clean" and "dirty" unless it's very obviously dirty like mud or food. I tell her we change socks and pants everyday and she has repeated that to Nursery so she may have repeated it to her dad but that's about it.

I feel awful because Mini is just settling into the routine and is benefitting from contact as am I so I don't want to stop it.

I'm seeing the SW again tomorrow so I will raise it again and see what she says. I know why she didn't want to go down the official route as we're getting on reasonably ok at the moment and it could stir up all kinds of trouble. His dad already stands outside his house whenever I pick DD up from contact to "oversee things" so it could get nasty again.

Do you send a whole set of clean clothes for the next day?

I would have pjs and nappy in part of a bag and whole set of clean clothes for the next day.

I don't think you need to make an official complaint just ask the SW for her advice and be led by her opinion. I would tell her that you are too afraid to raise it with him yourself as you don't want to sabotage contact.

Another thought is put a light layer of sudocreme on her before she goes o try prevent it.

I don't think there's any way you can raise it directly with him, unfortunately. I'm just surprised that his mum didn't notice that she was in the same pants, but maybe they didn't see her both days. I don't get why he wouldn't automatically change them. Is he afraid he'll have to do laundry or something?

Is there any way you can send different coloured ones or 'special ones'? I know my sons around that age had 'Superhero' printed underwear, and had their 'favourite hero' pants. Would Mini be able to say "I want Princess pants/pink pants" or anything like that?

If you don't have a contact book, you should be doing a contact diary on your own. Even if it's just sheets of paper stapled together or notes on a calendar.

And yes, tell the SW. I know things are going more smoothly, but that's not worth Mini being uncomfortable or sore. What a hard situation!

I send spare pants and trousers as that's all I have to send to Nursery for wet accidents but he sends her back in the ones she's worn the day before whether they're muddy or wet or anything. But according to Mini she has no storage for clothes at his house, which wouldn't surprise me as the bedroom is barely a room, it's the smallest room with the stair bulk head in and barely fits a single bed in it.

I'm worried it's deliberate too, I don't trust him at all, and it feels like he's trying to stitch me up in some way. Which is even more worrying.

I send different ones. So yesterdays were white with my little pony on and the ones I sent in her bag where pink with Skye from Paw Patrol on.

His mum works nights, so wouldn't be at all surprised if she's in bed/just getting back from work when he gets her up in the morning.

I keep a dairy of contact always have done, I note the date I noticed the problem, the date/s of the contact and what happened.

I would send in a complete set and put in a bag "clothes for Sunday"

Show mini the bag and the clothes and tell her they are to wear tomorrow. Is she actually getting changed overnight into her pjs?

I think she is being changed for overnight, but can't be 100% sure. The last two times he's sent back only half the nappies I've sent her with but that doesn't exactly prove anything .

Surely she only needs one nappy for overnight?

Is he just putting her in nappies and bothering to clean her properly?

I'm confused (not unusual for me!!). You pack her a bag with spare pants & trousers or he's using the ones you send to nursery? If the latter, maybe he isn't picking them up at the nursery and taking them with him?

When mine were in nursery, 'spares' were kept in their cubby and just stayed there until needed.

If she hasn't used the spares at Nursery I send the same ones in her bag for his contact she uses the same bag as it's her favourite. Obviously if she's been put in her spares by Nursery I put clean ones in her bag. He doesn't collect her from Nursery, I drop her off to him on Saturday.

I still change her nappy in the night if it's wet/soiled so I've always sent 2-3 nappies with her. I am paranoid about her getting sore so I change her as soon as I realise it needs doing. Similarly if I'm on the toilet or going near a toilet in public I'll sit her on the toilet "just in case".

So you go in the night and check her nappy

Usually put nappy on last thing at night then change in the morning, very strange to be changing it during the night?

Yes I put her in a nappy from about 5.30, then check on her at 10pm and if I get up to go the loo in the night (usually around 2am) if she needs changing I change her. I've always done it that way. Some nights she doesn't need changing, other times we use 2 nappies a night.

Then into pants after breakfast in the morning (unless heavily soiled/wet then I change her into pants before breakfast).

When does she go to bed? Is it not part of her bed time routine - bath, nappy, pjs, story in bed and sleep?

Yes part of her routine, bath is on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and then Saturday on my weekend, Sunday on her dads unless she's particularly dirty or had a bad enough wet accident that I don't feel wipes will clean her properly, that's 4.45-5.15 ish

Then pjs at 5.15/5.30 which includes nappy.

Bedtime hours 5.45 until Night Garden finishes at 6.40 (although she's been asking to go to bed just before it at around 6.20).

Then it's Teeth, Medications, Story in Bed, quick cuddle then lights off by 7pm. She's usually asleep by 7.15.

See I would be getting her to try for a wee at 6.45 then nappy then bed.

She doesn't usually make much past 5pm without wetting herself, I think she just gets tired and forgets. SW was happy with our routine and said as long as she's spending most of the day in pants (which she is) then she can understand my need to minimize accidents at the end of the day. Given DDs delay I am so happy she can manage most of the day without accidents - there are so many children on my GDD groups who're in nappies full time at 8, 9, 10 not that I have anything against that, all children develop differently and at their own rate

During bedtime hour she literally doesn't move, lies on the sofa with her blanket and elephant, and when I've left her in pants I've found she's unknowingly wet herself.

Aw bless her.

I would be concerned that he is just using nappies and not bothering with pants

I did wonder that as she comes back and wets herself but on a Thursday he has her for 3 hours and I don't send nappies, but the sore bum is exactly like nappy rash.

Will discuss it tomorrow. I've had my concerns about him taking her to the toilet on Thursdays, as like I said if I'm near a toilet or going myself I'll sit her on it "just in case" and usually she does a little bit. She's not had an accident in public with me since just after Christmas, and I'm often out all day with her. It would also explain why he doesn't take her anywhere.

I would just send one nappy it's all he needs as he won't be changing it in the night will he. Perhaps see if the SW can ask him about how well her staying dry with him is going?

Mini's asking to wear nappies...

Hmmmm

Bit suspicious isn't it!

Cake Pop anyone?

Decided to distract Mini by making these. They were very yummy and help with her fine motor skills (stirring, twisting the cakes round to put chocolate on, sprinkling sprinkles/balls on all strengthen the muscles in her wrist to help with pencil control and using the pinching motion to help strengthen her thumb and fingers - obviously I do all the cutting up, putting things in the oven and melting the chocolate).

She's had a wet accident at lunchtime but been fine since though. And these were yummy.