To say I’ve won! I’ve actually won!

[YouWinAgain]

Some of you will recognise my story. I hope you do, and yes I am that poster.

In March 2018 I was attacked and had threats made against my life by my husband in front of our DD aged 2 at the time.

I left him and he was a s**t. He and his family made my life hell threatening to take DD out of her Nursery, pinning me against shelves in supermarkets, accusing me of alienating DD from her paternal family, and basically being made to feel like the perpetrator instead of the victim. He also left me and DD living at my mums for 10 days just because he could. He left me with GAD, PTSD and Social Anxiety.

In November he took me to court for full residency of DD, now aged 3, accusing me of emotionally abusing her and not being able to put her first.

It was a rough time for me; I almost gave up at times, felt like everything was against me including the Social Worker who seemed to swap sides after it went to court. She was also at times suggesting 50/50 contact.

I got a SHL (S**t Hot Lawyer) and was still worried, panicking and had to be grounded several times by her and posters on MN thank you all. I had home condition problems when we first split but did my upmost to work with everyone and get myself back on track. At times I felt like it was hopeless even when he didn’t turn up to her appointments or Nativity Play.

DRA hearing is 2 weeks today. Had the final meeting with the SW this morning to give me the S7, I was nervous as I was expecting her to be on ExHs side.

There’s two bits of good news:

1. SW was recommending that DD stay living with me, and contact with ExH be once a week for 2 hours, and then every other Sunday for 5 hours going up to full day contact (9am-5pm) in 3 months’ time and then overnight just Saturday every other weekend from September when DD starts school. SW suggested the weekly contact cannot clash with her appointments or social occasions!

But 2) 2 weeks before the DRA, ExH has decided to drop the residency and just apply for consistent regular contact with DD. He hasn’t asked for a specific pattern so I think my SHL can negotiate.

I am crying with happiness. We still have to go to court on 21st but I’m not worried anymore, they aren’t taking my DD off me. Looks like SW was on DDs side and neither mine or ExHs.

Sometimes it pays to persevere. I’ve won haven’t I? I’ve actually won!

Yes I'm hoping that I'll be working so she'll need breakfast and after school club a few times a week, they do the club for the school she's likely to go to so she'd go back there.

Any news on the jobs yet?

Not yet, closing date for one isn't until 22nd Feb though

I’m currently job hunting too. My contract ends on the 31st March. I work in a school. So I’ve applied for the new jobs at my current school but also one at my dd’s school. Scary times 😱

Zofloramummy Hope you find something, the uncertainty must be awful. I am hoping I find something myself so I don't have to worry about the last 2 weeks of the holidays with DD.

I think I’ll be ok as I’ve got an interview next week at dd’s school. It’s only 2 days though so it’ll be a bit tight financially. I’m fairly positive that you will get something. I say this because I’ve read and been on your threads for a fair while. I’ve never seen you so confident, proactive and on it as you are right now. No panicking, you are seeing a problem and you are sorting it. Massive milestone. You can do this.

Having a bad day today, something I watched yesterday triggered nightmares which is strange as it wasn't even violent/loud, which was really weird as they're not about the actual event but always related; so in my dreams I am walking and feel insecure and vulnerable, or I'm sweating so much my beds wet and people are saying I need to sort it out, or I'm walking across a bridge near my house and I look into the water below and can see my ex's face this freaks me out, why that??

Have snapped at DD twice today, felt dizzy while shopping and she ran off so I told her off enough to make her cry and then I was putting the shopping away focusing on my breathing and she came and told me she'd wet herself, I just snapped at her I was busy and she needed to wait. She cried at that too.

Bad mother alert. Days like today I feel like I'll never get through this.

We have all had those days - please don't feel down on yourself. Sometimes things just get overwhelming and just one extra thing tips you over.

Oh love, we've all been there. Only Mary Poppins is 'practically perfect in every way'! Don't kick yourself. Tomorrow is another day.

I can remember more than a few days where I ended up having to apologize to my sons because I'd been a grumpus.

Sounds like tonight is a good night for a simple supper and some cuddles and telly. Mine always liked having 'breakfast for supper' on a day like that; scrambled eggs on toast, porridge and honey, or even just a bowl of cold cereal and milk. Of course, my favourite 'simple supper' was ice cream. But I tried not to do that too often

Oh to be 3 again.

To dress up as a pony princess and pretend fly on a broomstick

The other day was an indicator of it getting worse again.

I'm done.

My legal aid has fallen through, because I'm not contesting contact they've said I have to pay my own fees. I can't afford it, but I can't go to court without representation. I almost didn't turn up in November, and if he thinks I've got no representation he'll take advantage.

I can't afford it but can't do it without it.

DDs routine is all out of whack for some reason I can't fathom. She's crying and whinging and getting more and more wound up.

I was having an ok day. But I can't do this. I feel like an impostor, I'm living someone else's life.

I was ok, and now this? Why??

You are catastrophising

Deep breaths, love. Stand up and breathe.

Call your solicitor and see what she can do about legal aid. It never hurts to ask.

As far as DD's routine being out of whack, try to relax. I know she needs routine but a couple of days of relaxing the rules a bit will actually help her get back to her routine.

Anxiety is sky high now. Got to manage to Thursday when I have a GP appointment.

DD didn't sleep at all last night no idea why. Her routine is all out of whack. She fell out of bed 5 times last night which she of course proudly announced to the lady on the door at Nursery as we went in this morning.

I've gone back to basics, my housework is done apart from laundry which I'll do shortly. But I just feel so awful.

Feel a failure. My life's falling apart again and I can't cope. I'm useless and it's not fair to to Mini.

I'm fighting an unwinnable battle with myself.

Doing the basics is perfectly fine. Could you get a bed guard for Mini's bed? In the meantime, just put some pillows down, so she has a soft landing. She must be being extra fidgety, but it obviously doesn't bother her, it sounds like she thinks it's funny, so don't worry about it.

You need to try to get out of this downward spiral. You were doing really well, and you will get back to that, but you need to push those negative thoughts out of your head. Remember that Nursery, and us, believe in you. We know you are a great mum to Mini, so listen to us, instead of those negative thoughts.

You'll be fine.

Have you spoken to your solicitor about the legal aid yet?

Could you get a bed guard for Mini's bed?

I already have one which was on her toddler bed but will put it back on. She does land on her carpeted floor often rolling with her duvet she gets quite upset but I think it's more shock of being woken suddenly over it being anything serious.

Have you spoken to your solicitor about the legal aid yet?

There's nothing she can do because I'm not contesting contact then I'm not entitled to legal aid, she said herself the system is unfair. I have until the end of the week to decide whether to instruct her privately or not. I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks that I should instruct her and sort out payment with the company on a payment, as SW and everyone else keeps saying that my life will change for the better in terms of financially, and they've got me apply for jobs that earn more than I've been applying for. But then another part thinks we can't predict the future and things could still go wrong.

Sod it, I'll instruct her. I'm not doing this without a solicitor. I've come this far with her, it would be irresponsible to open myself up to manipulation.

I agree. You can sort out a payment plan. She's been invaluable so far, and it could really put you back if you carried on without her.

I agree, too. Good legal representation is worth its weight in gold.

To bad she can't take your case on a 'pro bono' basis, but I expect her firm wouldn't allow it.

Although you are not openly contesting the contact, you are slowly building a case to do so. Can’t you and your SHL argue for legal aid in that basis. That although you are not openly contesting due to safety issue you are most definitely taking steps to make a case against him.

Canadian hugs. You got this. It’s ok to have breakdowns along the way. You have a lot going on. Add in mental health and dealing with someone who abused you and it can mess with you. You are doing awesome!

Re the police contact when they showed up for a check the welfare, can hour SHL do a information request and get the file? It may be worth looking into.

you are slowly building a case to do so

Yes and No, we can't no for certain he's going to mess up and quite honestly I don't feel removing the contact now just because he cancels is in Mini's best interests. Also I'm quite looking forward to a lie-in and breakfast in bed Every Other Sunday.

can hour SHL do a information request and get the file?

She is looking into it, but if it was anonymously reported to the police there's not much we can do.

Hearing that Mini mimics me at Nursery is lovely. Apparently she put a doll in bed, covered it up, kissed it's nose and said "Night night, I love you" and then blew a kiss to it...which is exactly our routine! I cried with happiness.

Aww, so sweet!

What about the domestic violence aspect? As that is a recorded event that happened even though it didn’t proceed to a criminal conviction doesn’t that count as anything towards the legal aid aspect?

How are the job applications going? I had an interview this afternoon and didn’t get the job through lack of experience. On a countdown until my contract ends. Slightly bricking it!

What about the domestic violence aspect? As that is a recorded event that happened even though it didn’t proceed to a criminal conviction doesn’t that count as anything towards the legal aid aspect?

They didn't accept the evidence from either my Dr or the police, even though both explicitly said I was subject to violence and it wouldn't matter anyway as I'm not contesting contact so even if they accepted my evidence they won't proceed my application for LA. SHL said it's quite common, and it's getting harder and harder for people to get LA, and she thinks it'll be scrapped completely within the next 5 years,

Not had any interviews yet. I have applied for a few more jobs but as I'm reapplying for DLA to hopefully get MRC I'm not applying for too much yet.