To say I’ve won! I’ve actually won!

[YouWinAgain]

Some of you will recognise my story. I hope you do, and yes I am that poster.

In March 2018 I was attacked and had threats made against my life by my husband in front of our DD aged 2 at the time.

I left him and he was a s**t. He and his family made my life hell threatening to take DD out of her Nursery, pinning me against shelves in supermarkets, accusing me of alienating DD from her paternal family, and basically being made to feel like the perpetrator instead of the victim. He also left me and DD living at my mums for 10 days just because he could. He left me with GAD, PTSD and Social Anxiety.

In November he took me to court for full residency of DD, now aged 3, accusing me of emotionally abusing her and not being able to put her first.

It was a rough time for me; I almost gave up at times, felt like everything was against me including the Social Worker who seemed to swap sides after it went to court. She was also at times suggesting 50/50 contact.

I got a SHL (S**t Hot Lawyer) and was still worried, panicking and had to be grounded several times by her and posters on MN thank you all. I had home condition problems when we first split but did my upmost to work with everyone and get myself back on track. At times I felt like it was hopeless even when he didn’t turn up to her appointments or Nativity Play.

DRA hearing is 2 weeks today. Had the final meeting with the SW this morning to give me the S7, I was nervous as I was expecting her to be on ExHs side.

There’s two bits of good news:

1. SW was recommending that DD stay living with me, and contact with ExH be once a week for 2 hours, and then every other Sunday for 5 hours going up to full day contact (9am-5pm) in 3 months’ time and then overnight just Saturday every other weekend from September when DD starts school. SW suggested the weekly contact cannot clash with her appointments or social occasions!

But 2) 2 weeks before the DRA, ExH has decided to drop the residency and just apply for consistent regular contact with DD. He hasn’t asked for a specific pattern so I think my SHL can negotiate.

I am crying with happiness. We still have to go to court on 21st but I’m not worried anymore, they aren’t taking my DD off me. Looks like SW was on DDs side and neither mine or ExHs.

Sometimes it pays to persevere. I’ve won haven’t I? I’ve actually won!

I have to say your brother is mercenary if your Mum or Grandad not helping out/loaning money with nursery fees is more important than Mini not going to live with a man that has been abusive to you and her

A loan isn't a gift!

My brother doesn't see it like that though, he has his own issues which make it more complicated.

Oh they know ExH can afford the fees but he won't pay me anything to help me out as he's trying to show I can't cope, he'd rather see his DD suffer than help me out in any way.

I can't help with practicalities since I'm not familiar with UK resource, but (and I'm afraid this is becoming my standard refrain), speak to your solicitor. There may be something she can do with regards to increasing maintenance. Maybe not, but it never hurts to ask.

Across we have a government agency that sets maintenance CMS based on non resident parent income and nights per annum they have the child(ren) and any other DC in their household. This sets out the minimum they have to pay. Anything above this is based as a private agreement and dependent on ex's goodwill.

Reading some threads on here I must be doing ok. Considering selling my own items and making sacrifices to keep her in her Nursery where I know she's happy and settled can't mean I'm going far wrong.

Just spoke to my granddad and he's got an old tablet and some old phones I can sell. He says it's a loan but I can pay him back once I'm sorted. They should make £120-150 so I've got the first months increased fees covered at least.

I have also emailed the Preschool Manager and CCed in the MD just laying out my position, that basically I was expecting an increase and had budgetted but it's gone up so much I am having to consider her place and could we come to some arrangement so she can remain in the Nursery.

You don't ask you don't get do you?

Nope you don't and if they'll let you pay the difference off up until Christmas then that is less to find each month. You could offer to set up a weekly DD.

Please look at that charity list a linked to.

I pay via monthly DD anyway so I can just set it to continue paying until whenever it's paid off, plus I'll likely use them for before and after school care once I'm working so sure we can come to an agreement.

I tried the link but it didn't work and when I googed Chafed it just tried to tell me the definition of the word. Possibly me being a bit thick, can you link again?

Silly me

Chfed.org.uk

Are there any temping agencies where you are that you could sign up with? When I temped (many moons ago, so I accept it might not be the same now) there were some shit jobs that they couldn't employ anyone to do permanently. They can be jobs with short hours that might fit into when Mini is at nursery.
1 job I did was 1 day a week and I had to click "ok" whenever the software that was running stopped, I got £50 a day.

My mums said if we can get the 3 hour rule re-thoughtout in April she's happy to help with childcare if I need/want a job, so going to have a think about a compromise I'm happy with there.

That’s good news, I think 3 hours is unworkable really in the real world.

How can they get away with increasing fees so much?! Our nursery went up nearly every year but only by a small amount. What a kick in the teeth that you don't need.

Pinchycrab because the government funding is absolutely not enough to cover the hours it's meant to...

I think I remember you OP from your aibu thread about you thinking he'd won and were thinking of giving yo your daughter. So glad you didn't!!

Have you thought about setting up a just giving page with your story? It sounds like a lot has happened.

www.chfed.org.uk/ is what Random was meaning I think.

Have a look at this MN thread and see if it could help at all to get some extra cash together.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/3496338-february-earn-10-a-day-thread

I feel really positive today, no reply from Nursery yet but that's not uncommon particularly as I emailed them about finances so they'll be wary of emailing me back due to the situation.

But it's going to be ok. It's for four months at most, I stretch my budget or find a way. I'm considering selling my computer (although I use it) and phone to make some money if I can't work. I applied for 2 10 hour a week jobs yesterday though, one of them pays £8 a hour which means I'd make the money I need for the Nursery fees in a week!

I have a lovely cheeky sweet girl, I can make this work. And yes the interim order states that she needs to be in Nursery 3 days a week but I honestly can't see them removing a child from her primary carer who does everything (all Nursery Runs, all Appointments, all parents evenings etc) alone just because they're struggling to afford Nursery fees.

Glad you've got your positive head back on! Does DD have any/get any money? I remember times when we had to borrow from the DCs accounts!

Yep so happy to see you feeling like this! What have you applied for?
And yes it would be a huge lapse in judgement to remove a child who is loved, cared for and secure not because of neglect, harm or abuse but simply because their parent cannot afford the level of private childcare that is recommended (not ordered). It’d be a absolute absurdity and your SH Barrister would laugh his socks off and then wipe the floor with them.

One was a lunchtime supervisor type role, the other was a retail job low or zero hours contract would actually be perfect for me as I can work my contracted shifts or take extra as needed.

Neither of them would require me to have my own car either, the lunchtime jobs in walking distance of my house and the others on a bus route I use regularly so know the buses are every 10-15 minutes.

Just seen your reply RandomMess, no money I can access, an ISA with £600 in but I can't get it as it's in her name and locked until she's 18.

Worst case scenario if you took her out of nursery early because you didn't pay fees in full it would likely be June/July. They would then have to take it all back to court etc. By then she would starting school!

I think I'm going to see if I can take her out at the end of June as according to the invoice the funding runs out on 30th June this year so I have 7 weeks of holidays to pay for rather than 6. It's annoying as she does benefit from the continuity in the holidays but it's a sacrifice and it's only for 7 weeks until school starts - they usually have an offer of some sort over the holidays anyway so I might still be able to afford 1-2 days a week in the holidays.

Sorry miscalculated it'd run out on 7th July so 8 weeks to pay for rather than 6 or 7.

But because of the way the payments fall I'd remove her on 30th June.

Hope that makes sense.