To say I’ve won! I’ve actually won!

[YouWinAgain]

Some of you will recognise my story. I hope you do, and yes I am that poster.

In March 2018 I was attacked and had threats made against my life by my husband in front of our DD aged 2 at the time.

I left him and he was a s**t. He and his family made my life hell threatening to take DD out of her Nursery, pinning me against shelves in supermarkets, accusing me of alienating DD from her paternal family, and basically being made to feel like the perpetrator instead of the victim. He also left me and DD living at my mums for 10 days just because he could. He left me with GAD, PTSD and Social Anxiety.

In November he took me to court for full residency of DD, now aged 3, accusing me of emotionally abusing her and not being able to put her first.

It was a rough time for me; I almost gave up at times, felt like everything was against me including the Social Worker who seemed to swap sides after it went to court. She was also at times suggesting 50/50 contact.

I got a SHL (S**t Hot Lawyer) and was still worried, panicking and had to be grounded several times by her and posters on MN thank you all. I had home condition problems when we first split but did my upmost to work with everyone and get myself back on track. At times I felt like it was hopeless even when he didn’t turn up to her appointments or Nativity Play.

DRA hearing is 2 weeks today. Had the final meeting with the SW this morning to give me the S7, I was nervous as I was expecting her to be on ExHs side.

There’s two bits of good news:

1. SW was recommending that DD stay living with me, and contact with ExH be once a week for 2 hours, and then every other Sunday for 5 hours going up to full day contact (9am-5pm) in 3 months’ time and then overnight just Saturday every other weekend from September when DD starts school. SW suggested the weekly contact cannot clash with her appointments or social occasions!

But 2) 2 weeks before the DRA, ExH has decided to drop the residency and just apply for consistent regular contact with DD. He hasn’t asked for a specific pattern so I think my SHL can negotiate.

I am crying with happiness. We still have to go to court on 21st but I’m not worried anymore, they aren’t taking my DD off me. Looks like SW was on DDs side and neither mine or ExHs.

Sometimes it pays to persevere. I’ve won haven’t I? I’ve actually won!

Zofloramummy I am so sorry I laughed at that post, hope you find the shoe soon so you can get the hoover out

Oh don’t worry about laughing I think it’s quite amusing too! Plus I’ve been so ill I really don’t care. In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter. That show had better turn up soon though. They are not only flipping tiny they aren’t cheap either!!

Shoe

Today’s a good day, feeling brilliant.

Got rid of the last of ExHs stuff.

Nothing more cathartic than throwing a bunch of stuff into giant skips at the recycling centre

Hurrah!!!

Ha yes! Or even better, make money.
When I split up with my ex, the house was sold. He cleared out the stuff of his that he wanted, and left me to sort out everything else, while also dealing with work and the kids.
He left a couple of boxes of unread, Dungeons and Dragons role playing books, some were still in their packaging. I took one of the boxes to a secondhand book shop and got 90 quid for them! Still got the other box in the loft. That lot should be worth a bit too.

I treated myself to a jumper and DD to one of those dolls carriers, she loves it!

DD opens an umbrella in the house...as if we needed anymore bad luck

It's all falling apart around me.

Nursery fees have increased by 30%, and it's put it beyond my means even with the 3 year funding and the lone parent discount. My savings from September-Now will be used in a month. It's gone from almost £300 a month to nearer £400.

I can't afford it. He's refusing to pay anything for it. So looks like she is going to suffer from being with me because there is literally no way I can afford it on my own

Just stop and breath!

She could go for less time, are you getting CSA maintenance got her?

Plus you can spend more time with her which is a positive!

I can't pull her out she'll go to her dad if I do. Paeds have written a letter saying they want her in fulltime but will accept 3 days a week. I've already been told by court that if I can't afford it her dad can so he'll get it.

I can't reduce her time in anyway.

Start looking at other pre-schools/nurseries.

Make an appointment to speak to manager ask if you can go on a payment plan to pay the extra over 12 months or so, as obviously she hoes to school in September. She could leave early August to have a summer staycation with you.

Would you Grandad loan you the money?

She may have to stop swimming lessons unfortunately

The swimming lessons are paid for up until August, none refundable.

My granddad won't lend me anymore money as he's just lent me a lot and he doesn't want to show favouritism to me.

I have until 1st April, so we can come up with something surely?

So 4 months of increased fees...

Start putting aside now and budget hard. Go on money saving expert and get your finances health checked.

Are you getting maintenance from ex?

I have nothing in my budget to set aside or I would! I have 96p left most months. I budget down to the last penny.

I get maintenance but it's not paid on time ever so I can't rely on it. Done through CMS but all they do is tell him to pay it when it's late and so he does so he gets away with it. He's paying £100 a month which is really low but I asked for a reconsideration and they lowered it from £120 a month.

Best get look for work I suppose

Is this based on the court ordered contact, or on him having 50:50.

Just you mentioned buying DD a magazine previously... they aren't cheap, it can be the little things. Are you on cheapest utility providers, can you apply for help with travel costs to appointments? There are some charities out there that help with unexpected things.

A job for you would be good anyway!

Magazines I will stop buying, they are expensive, sure my mum or granddad will stretch to that for her!

CMS calculated it on him having supervised contact so it could go down further when the overnights start, I could ask if he'll keep it at the rate he's paying until at August I suppose it's worth ago.

I want a job but the Doctor says I'm not well enough yet, but I think I'm just going to have to take the plunge and do it, for the sake of my DD.

I would not go to your ex about maintenance if you are sure the calculation is correct then leave it.

Would your Mum loan you the money, or perhaps babysit a couple of evenings so you could do bar work or similar?

My mum can't babysit due to the court order, if I'm away from her more than 3 hours I have to offer that contact to ExH and I know he'd take it and let his mum/grandparents/dogs babysit her instead as he absolutely hates my mum.

Mums struggling for money herself at the moment due to her own circumstances so can't lend it, plus even if she could my brother wouldn't be happy about it.

I'll sort out some things to sell as well I think, even if it creates enough money for the first month of increased fees it gives me some leeway to find a job that works around DD.

You have a really good relationship with the nursery. It’s worth talking to them about options. Even if it’s cutting an hour a day from her normal times that would save some money.
When you go back to court will this 3 hour rule be looked at again? It works in your favour from the point of view that he can’t farm mini off to his mum but it isn’t helping you much. Perhaps you could look at jobs in schools? There are a fair few advertising by me for dinner time cover, canteen staff etc. It’s only a few hours a day but that would help as you’d earn under the threshold for losing any benefits. Plus they aren’t very taxing physically or mentally.

Also quite ridiculous to say that if one parent can’t afford childcare fees that they should lose residency as the other parent can. How about the other parent actually pays some money towards the fees instead of taking the piss with a minimal contribution.

And it doesn’t make sense that he is only paying £100 a month maintenance yet you say they would argue he could afford £400 in nursery fees?

Also paeds may want her in 3 days a week for developmental reasons but could you discuss with them 2 days a weeks and then social groups (library groups, art clubs, rainbows etc) to make up the additional hours where she is engaged in an activity that benefits her but means that you aren’t bankrupted?

Chafed.org.uk lists lots of charities and what they help with, some of them may help Mini with nursery costs, hospital visit costs etc.

Really worth applying as you have nothing to lose.