To say I’ve won! I’ve actually won!

[YouWinAgain]

Some of you will recognise my story. I hope you do, and yes I am that poster.

In March 2018 I was attacked and had threats made against my life by my husband in front of our DD aged 2 at the time.

I left him and he was a s**t. He and his family made my life hell threatening to take DD out of her Nursery, pinning me against shelves in supermarkets, accusing me of alienating DD from her paternal family, and basically being made to feel like the perpetrator instead of the victim. He also left me and DD living at my mums for 10 days just because he could. He left me with GAD, PTSD and Social Anxiety.

In November he took me to court for full residency of DD, now aged 3, accusing me of emotionally abusing her and not being able to put her first.

It was a rough time for me; I almost gave up at times, felt like everything was against me including the Social Worker who seemed to swap sides after it went to court. She was also at times suggesting 50/50 contact.

I got a SHL (S**t Hot Lawyer) and was still worried, panicking and had to be grounded several times by her and posters on MN thank you all. I had home condition problems when we first split but did my upmost to work with everyone and get myself back on track. At times I felt like it was hopeless even when he didn’t turn up to her appointments or Nativity Play.

DRA hearing is 2 weeks today. Had the final meeting with the SW this morning to give me the S7, I was nervous as I was expecting her to be on ExHs side.

There’s two bits of good news:

1. SW was recommending that DD stay living with me, and contact with ExH be once a week for 2 hours, and then every other Sunday for 5 hours going up to full day contact (9am-5pm) in 3 months’ time and then overnight just Saturday every other weekend from September when DD starts school. SW suggested the weekly contact cannot clash with her appointments or social occasions!

But 2) 2 weeks before the DRA, ExH has decided to drop the residency and just apply for consistent regular contact with DD. He hasn’t asked for a specific pattern so I think my SHL can negotiate.

I am crying with happiness. We still have to go to court on 21st but I’m not worried anymore, they aren’t taking my DD off me. Looks like SW was on DDs side and neither mine or ExHs.

Sometimes it pays to persevere. I’ve won haven’t I? I’ve actually won!

Oh

...but you clearly have their great support!

Ha! I like the nursery manager! And she obviously likes you more than the Ex.

Nailed it!

Found out he's been working Saturdays, my friend works in the same store as him and her and a couple of her colleagues who also don't like him are going to let me know if he's working on the Saturdays he's supposed to have DD, they've also said they'll happily write statements for the courts saying on X date they saw him at work between the hours of A and B. They will also let me know if he's been there more than 3 hours so I can go and get DD.

👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive"

Another success

He's his own downfall! Hopefully he'll keep on tripping himself up!

Yes!

I hate this.

Poor DD isn't getting a rest or a break, she's exhausted, full of cold and looks like she has another ear infection. She's so busy that she''s not getting to play with her toys, between appointments, Nursery and contact with her dad plus normal errands I need to run she's only getting Saturday afternoon to actually be.

And she's got another 5 weeks of Sundays with her dad before I've got a weekend with her the overnights start in 3 weeks time (My SHL said I should let him have the first two overnights as consecutive weekends even though the order says to have a gap between because he said he'd take it back to court before April and ask for Friday - Saturday one week and Saturday to Sunday next week so I'd never get a full weekend with her if I didn't, SHL said compromise now to get a better deal in April).

I don't know what to do, poor girls fallen asleep on me again, so my afternoons also a write off, not that I mind.She fell over and quite badly cut her knee outside my flat when coming back from shopping and literally cried herself to sleep.

Breaking my heart. I can't go on like this with her.

I'm sure when she's with her Dad she's chilling out

Yes she is, I'm just being overdramatic, I know it's because she's trying to make sense of it all, and she feels safe with me that's why she sleeps on me.

When she woke up we walked to the petrol station and she's bought got a magazine which she's happily sticking the stickers to a big piece of paper I've taped to the hallway wall. It's the simple things!

You're right it IS the simple things. They are only little things but in the end the little things really are the big things. These are what she will remember.

Is the ex someone that you found to be quite chilled with you/dd? Bit at SHL talking about DD in terms of a deal very poor having to trade her safety. Unless you are happy she's safe, then alls good.

Is the ex someone that you found to be quite chilled with you/dd?

He won't even speak to me, never even asks how DDs been when I drop her off, won't text me unless it's to change contact, is still claiming to courts I abused him although the judges didn't let him present evidence of it because they said the only evidence comes from SS and/or police reports, which he has neither of. I don't trust him but as my SHL has pointed out there is nothing we can do, he's passed safeguarding checks, so unfortunately we can't change what is happening. She's aware I could have evidence of him breaking the order so I think her thinking is let him do what he wants/has to do now then present our evidence in April and cut his contact further that way so he has little/no time with her.

My comment was about DD will probably just be at her grandparents house not doing much, watching TV and playing...

My comment was about DD will probably just be at her grandparents house not doing much, watching TV and playing...

It's fine, I understood, I know he doesn't do much with her. And I am probably overcompensating by doing too much with her as I'm not getting Sunday with her at the moment which has always been our day to do things. I feel so guilty that all her dad does with her is drag her to her great grandparents house or sit inside, they don't even watch TV as he brings his PS4 down to the living room and she watches him play games hopefully nothing inappropriate and playing with the couple of toys she has there.

Mini needs downtime too so don't feel you need to compensate for her erm "boring" days she may benefit from not doing much. I suspect the EOW will fizzle out soon enough once they get going...

That's ok win boring is fine, so long as its safe.

That's ok win boring is fine, so long as its safe

I'm not convinced it is safe, actually I think "boring" in his case is more dangerous than doing something with her because when she gets bored she starts acting up and I'd be worried he'd get frustrated/angry at her playing up and hurt her.

But there's nothing I can do. It's literally a waiting game with him, but put it this way as soon as he messes up I will be taking it straight back to court. And I have more spies/friends/people looking out for Mini than he realises

I'd be worried he'd get frustrated/angry at her playing up and hurt her.

I genuinely hope that will never happen. But how much do you think he'll really have her 1 on 1? Won't he be at his parent's or grandparent's most of the time and wouldn't they be swift to intervene if he started getting angry? I know they defend him and are shitty to you, but I hate to believe they'd allow Mini to come to harm to protect him or to spite you.

This is just new and scary for you. And when we're in those situations all we can do is do what we can now and then wait until we can do something more. And what you can do now is listen to your solicitor and follow the court's instructions. And wait until the next hearing and your solicitor's next step. It's not easy, but you've done much harder and succeeded. You'll get through this and I fully expect your next name change to be to 'WewonForever'.

If your not convinced its safe tell everyone exactly that. Your SW does not have responsibility, you do. Please don't play their dangerous waiting game. Tell them your fears for risk to her.

Only in a fucked up world can you read and hear things like this time and again from women who have been told the courts and SW know best.

If you have fears for her like you have expressed here then act to stop her coming in the line of harm from him.

You know him best, and you use words like harm and dangerous. Harm is done before you even know it.

I think I will have to leave the thread. You have been put in a deplorable position OP. It seems to be ok for outsiders to report abuse, but if it happens on your watch you'll have her removed from you.

I really hope she stays safe, and you too

Smother I don't know what you expect me to do? I have told everyone involved with this that he is a danger to her, he has passed safeguarding checks, the SW repeats this too me everytime I try and raise concerns. The advice I have been given legally is NOT to break the order, or they (the court) will look badly on me and I could end up with less contact with her as a result.

I am aware of your situation as you told me via PM, but it is completely different. I have done everything right; got SS involved when he hurt her but they chose to close that case with no action so I couldn't use it in my defense against him, I called the police when he attacked me and he was charged but SS and the courts don't consider incidences between adults as a safeguarding risk. THERE IS NOTHING MORE I CAN DO without risking losing her to him. I am sorry you feel the need to leave the thread because I have done everything I can to protect my only child.

But how much do you think he'll really have her 1 on 1? Won't he be at his parent's or grandparent's most of the time and wouldn't they be swift to intervene if he started getting angry?

Last week his parents weren't there at all, he went to his grandparents for an hour but was home alone most of the day. I just hope he keeps her safe.

The cracks are appearing, he's started cancelling Sundays due to work, that's before we've even got to the overnights.

Karma's catching up with him

So in less then 2 weeks from court he already backing out of his agreed time.

Make sure you keep your SHL up to date with him backing out of having her on Sundays. But also find out if you have to change days if he can not do the days he said he could.

The advice I've been given is don't offer, don't refuse. So if he says "I can't do Sunday due to work, can I have her Monday instead" say yes, but if he doesn't ask then don't offer an alternative as if he's not asking he's clearly not bothered about seeing her as much as he says.