To say I’ve won! I’ve actually won!

[YouWinAgain]

Some of you will recognise my story. I hope you do, and yes I am that poster.

In March 2018 I was attacked and had threats made against my life by my husband in front of our DD aged 2 at the time.

I left him and he was a s**t. He and his family made my life hell threatening to take DD out of her Nursery, pinning me against shelves in supermarkets, accusing me of alienating DD from her paternal family, and basically being made to feel like the perpetrator instead of the victim. He also left me and DD living at my mums for 10 days just because he could. He left me with GAD, PTSD and Social Anxiety.

In November he took me to court for full residency of DD, now aged 3, accusing me of emotionally abusing her and not being able to put her first.

It was a rough time for me; I almost gave up at times, felt like everything was against me including the Social Worker who seemed to swap sides after it went to court. She was also at times suggesting 50/50 contact.

I got a SHL (S**t Hot Lawyer) and was still worried, panicking and had to be grounded several times by her and posters on MN thank you all. I had home condition problems when we first split but did my upmost to work with everyone and get myself back on track. At times I felt like it was hopeless even when he didn’t turn up to her appointments or Nativity Play.

DRA hearing is 2 weeks today. Had the final meeting with the SW this morning to give me the S7, I was nervous as I was expecting her to be on ExHs side.

There’s two bits of good news:

1. SW was recommending that DD stay living with me, and contact with ExH be once a week for 2 hours, and then every other Sunday for 5 hours going up to full day contact (9am-5pm) in 3 months’ time and then overnight just Saturday every other weekend from September when DD starts school. SW suggested the weekly contact cannot clash with her appointments or social occasions!

But 2) 2 weeks before the DRA, ExH has decided to drop the residency and just apply for consistent regular contact with DD. He hasn’t asked for a specific pattern so I think my SHL can negotiate.

I am crying with happiness. We still have to go to court on 21st but I’m not worried anymore, they aren’t taking my DD off me. Looks like SW was on DDs side and neither mine or ExHs.

Sometimes it pays to persevere. I’ve won haven’t I? I’ve actually won!

Oh stop that horrible narrative Myrtle that's awful! And truly shit!

And she has to live and operate within the framework as it exists not as we'd like to see it. If she doesn't she risks giving him greater unsupervised access etc. Am not suggesting the system is right but she's living it. So you carry on with the needling and 'I wouldn't allow this' and heightening her fears whilst peppering your posts with flowers.

Yep going against a court ordered contact without any new evidence is going to land op in serious hot water and potentially end up with her ex having full residency, how is that better?

It's highly likely it's about control and fortunately few men take it to the extreme of murdering their DC. Most likely outcome is the GP will provide the care and the ex will move on to a new woman...

No-one can make me feel worse about myself than I already do, don't worry. I know I am inadequate as a parent.

I was happy to answer Smothers questions, she didn't know that I hadn't done all of that. And it's fine for her to be frustrated at the system. I have considered breaking the court order myself a few times but have been stopped from doing so because I know it won't look good for me as the RP, especially as we have a Social Worker keeping an eye on things.

I don't necessarily agree with all the advice I've been given here, or on previous threads but some of it has been discussed with my SHL and she has advised whether it would work based on the full facts of the situation. I made compromises because ExH was asking for every weekend and one night a week, and he'd likely have got it had I not compromised with him as the courts favour the NRP. And yes I am the one who made all the compromises but by being reasonable, picking my battles and compromising it's gone in my favour when it has gone in front of the judges. They described me as mature and articulate which I took to mean they understood my arguments for and against particular things and sided with me because of that.

What I want or don't want doesn't matter. At the centre of this is a little girl whose whole world has been turned upside down by the split of her parents. She doesn't take sides, she doesn't care that daddy hurt mummy, or granddad (Ex-FIL) threatened Nanny (my mum) all she wants is to be able to spend time with both of us and our families while keeping her routine as stable as possible. My none compromises where that she stay in her Nursery for 3 days a week, she stays in her Wednesday swimming lessons and I stay the RP. I've achieved all of the above with no compromises on those. The rest is just life. Compromise happens.

This is what every charity/organisation I have spoken to has said. But it helped to check and double check the advice I've been given. So I'm not offended or upset by advice given.

Yep, I understand that because we don't have all the facts, advice given is in the knowledge that it may not be suitable. But those posts started feeling relentless, bombarding, and I'm not the one going through it all. Knowing how you've been so down a lot of the time, I didn't feel they were helpful, but I'm glad you've taken what you can from them, and are continuing as you have been.
The law is rigid, and often an arse, but it is what it is, and we have to adhere to it, even if we don't agree, or things would get worse.

Now, I'm going to tell you off! You are NOT an inadequate mum! FFS, you've been fighting for Mini's best interests all along. That makes you a brilliant mum! YOU are the best mum for Mini, and she wouldn't want anyone else. So stop putting yourself down. There's no such thing as a "perfect" mum, we do our best, that's the important thing. We all make mistakes too. As long as we learn from the mistakes, then we're doing our best. Keep telling yourself you're a great mum, until you believe it, because you are!

I wonder if you can see how strong and ^insightful your last post is? Because I surely do. You are no longer that terrified woman afraid to take a breath. You are more confident and unafraid than you give yourself credit for!

I know you have 'wobbles', but so do the best of us. You are the very opposite of 'inadequate', you are more than simply 'adequate', you are a wonderful mother!

And of course it's the wisest course to follow a court order! To deliberately violate it would be foolish, especially at this stage of the game. Day by day, that's what's best. And TBH, as with most like him, I think he'll lose interest once the 'fight' is over. It's all about winning for him, not about Mini. And when he does lose interest, that 3 hour rule will come in very handy as it mean he won't be able to hand her off to his mother whilst he is gone doing whatever it is he does.

My mindset changed coming into 2019. I realised I can try and control and predict what he's going to do or I can live for the moment and deal with things as they occur.

I have a funny, beautiful little girl. She's not perfect but I love her more than anything. And in a few short months she'll be at school, I don't want to regret the time I had with her because I was worrying about the time she spends with others.

And as you all like hearing about her...she wore a colander at Nursery on her head for an entire day. When the staff tried to take it off she said "No it's my hat, I robot" and ran off

You are not inadequate at all OP. Despite some pp assertions to the opposite, I am glad you see the reality of the court system that I speak of.

I am not happy with statements like only a few DC are murdered, one is too many and its a result of the compromises that 'the system' tries to enforce.

I have nothing but admiration for how you are getting through this ordeal OP. Its a very hard fight, and of course it is your own path to take. I hope with all my heart that I haven't given you cause to doubt yourself, I think you sound strong (despite any inevitable wobbles along the way).

No, I haven't read your previous back story, I think I explained this in my first posts. This thread is yours, and I respect your choices and decisions, but I do challenge the system that you are being subjected to just now.

I have tried to highlight issues with it, and certainly don't expect you to feel the need to justify yourself in any way. I do see things a bit differently to some of the posts, but the last thing I'd want is to derail your thread or upset you. If anything in my last post has, I am really sorry.

I just read that you have not been upset or offended by any of it. I am glad.

Moments to remember, they are so precious! They are the things to hang on to when the going gets tough!

Ah, a colander is perfect robotic headwear! Bless her!

You can get concertina ducting in DIY places, that make excellent robot arms, and a couple of old style (rectangular rather than square) tissue boxes make good robot feet! (I remember shuffling around the house with tissue boxes on my feet when I was little. Also, my dad's leather gloves on my feet, when I was pretending to be a monkey!)

Colanders make the best hats! Everyone knows that!

There are posters on here who are wrong about their family court assertions, and mothers do come under considerable negative judgement if they allow DC to do things ordered by court when they know them to be harmful. Yes, absolutely mothers do defy court orders and risk getting penalties, when it comes to the safety of their DC.

I do not say these things to goad anyone, or to upset, but there has been unsafe advice on here, and because I don't agree with it it does not mean I'm trying to wrongfoot OP or upset her. Her task is impossibly difficult to do and comprehend.

Anything raised here can be checked out with SHB, or at a higher level with RoW. You also dis'd them across without knowing who you were talking about. I asked earlier about s7 and also didnt know until a very recent post that had been done.

You know her risk OP the best. Your assessment trumps everyone else's, SW, SHB, SHL or anyone on any thread. You've seen him in action, and you know what he's capable of. Regardless of PTSD, again, this is suffering effects of abuse, not something to prejudice you, and they will not be the ones accountable if little dd were to develop it also.

I hope you have a peaceful weekend!

Several things are worrying me. I am going to call my SHL in the morning but need to know what you guys thinks.

Problem 1: ExH thinks he's got DD Sunday for the next 5 weeks, then he's got 4 weeks of overnights, then it switches to EOW which means I don't have a weekend with DD until Saturday 16th March. My concern is DD will get used to every weekend with him and then he'll argue in court that that's what she's used to so can't be changed.

Problem 2: He keeps sending clothes home with her. We're not talking soiled or wet clothes, we're talking BNWT, and he makes a point of them being brand new. I'm concerned he's trying to undermine me as I like to use secondhand, plus I get given a lot almost new (mostly worn once or twice then grown out of) by two of the mums at Nursery who're lovely. I'm also concerned that he's not got clothes for her at his house and is going to try and blame me, not sure if I'll look bad in court? I've stopped providing clothes for her when she goes to her dads as if she has an accident he should have them.

Problem 3: She's asthmatic. She has a cough. But whenever she comes back from her dads her cough is worse to the point I'm having to use her inhaler, alot. Her dad smokes, obviously I can't stop him smoking in his own home but I am concerned that he's smoking in front of her. Either that or she's developed an allergy to his dogs, which again poses a problem.

Any ideas what I should do about this? Like how to approach ExH about it?

The court set out this weekly weekend contact as a build up to EoW so not setting a precedent. The clothes he's just trying to look good/show off.

Asthma is concerning but not sure what anyone can do

I haven't got the interim order yet to work out how/when overnights are supposed to be and how long for.

DPS are considered very poorly to be smoking in dcs home environment. Not sure what the law is, but is considered extremely harmful, especially when asthmatic. You could have dd allergy tested. Court can place restrictions I would think, but yes, ask shb.

Its good to be flagging everything up. What's so horrible is watching you be so scared of anything and everything being used against you (its widely known that court is an abusive process, on top of everything you have been through, lets hope the end will be in sight soon)

Try to breathe deep until you can speak to your SHL. Chances are she has an 'unofficial' copy of the unsigned order. She can help you figure it out. I suggest you have a calendar and a pencil to hand so you can 'pencil in' on the calendar 'me', him', etc for the 'presumptive' dates. It may help you to see the schedule in calendar form. I know I'm rather 'visual' and like to see things like schedules and such in written form.

As far as the clothes, if you don't want to use them, just set them aside out of sight. Or only put Mini in them when she's going to be with him. Chances are she may dirty them and will have to be changed anyway and hopefully his mother will keep them there 'to wash'. Kidlets are notorious for getting God knows what on their clothes. And new vs second hand is irrelevant as far as the courts are concerned . All that matters is that they are clean, fit reasonably well, and suited to the weather. He's just being a jerk or trying to show how 'caring' he is.🤮🤮🤮

I apologise completely smother for my 'faux sympathy' comment - it was uncalled for.

youwin - whilst you're right to check in with your legal team on your queries, I wanted to just echo others comments about the change in your tone. You previously acknowledged in other threads that the stress you were under did lead you to "catastrophise" but your reaction today seems much calmer, more balanced and reflective. Thats all down to you and really really will hold you in good stead for the future I think. I hope your legal team can reassure you - am sure they will.

Thank you myrtle, consider it completely and utterly forgiven

Youwin. It might be an idea to keep a good record of her inhaler use and highlight when she has been with Ex. There are tick sheets designed as dosage charts, intended for people who have trouble with their medication, on the web and you could tick when she has a dose and colour code when she is with you, at nursery and doses within N hours of being with Ex, and with Ex if he tells you. The pattern might be helpful to SHB/SHL.

DaisyMay That's a good idea thank you

A word to the wise OP, it might be a good idea to take your thread off to a path less trodden, as if anything is identified on here it could seriously jeopardise your situation in court!

Picking DD up from Nursery today and the manager pointed out that in ExHs statement for the S7 he gave her elephant the wrong name. She said "I have 7 children in my keygroup, I can remember their nicknames/preferred names, their favourite toys name and their parents names. All while also remembering 21 other childrens names, all my staffs names and planning activities for the preschool and the school club children. And he can't even remember his own daughters favourite toys name, does he really know her?"

Telling isn't it