Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriends ex pregnant

123 replies

marnieja · 07/01/2019 07:05

My boyfriend normally meets his ex every December when she comes home to see family for Xmas . He didn't see her this year and hadn't heard from her so called her and she told him she was pregnant it was a shock etc although she's been dating her boyfriend for a couple years.

My boyfriend has completely changed since hearing this he said he needed space so I'm staying at my sisters . We were having problems before . He's been drinking a lot and now told me he's taken a week off work to go stay in a random city on his own cos he needs to get away.

She's his only serious ex and I wonder is this a one that got away type reaction? We don't have any children and he's never mentioned wanting children. I'm just a bit confused to this reaction although he says it's nothing to do with her .

OP posts:
BlackPrism · 07/01/2019 13:41

He's gaslighting you...

Purpleartichoke · 07/01/2019 13:42

This is very simple. Do you want to repeat this episode in a few years? Perhaps again a decade after that? Assuming the answer is no, then start making housing arrangements.

Storminateacup1 · 07/01/2019 14:03

Always trust you gut, if something doesn’t feel right to you it probably isn’t.
From his last massage it sounds like he’s goading you to finish it, or using your ‘behaviour’ as an excuse to brake up, and to have him be blame free.

Yes he still loves his ex and even if he loves you, he would have dropped you in a second and gone running to her, given half the chance.
You deserve better than him, he’s a coward.

Dimsumlosesum · 07/01/2019 14:09

Hes absolutely taking the utter piss.

Dimsumlosesum · 07/01/2019 14:10

OP, he's fucking with your head. No one who truly loves someone does that.

SpudleyLass · 07/01/2019 14:31

He may say it has nothing to do with her, but it really doesn't sound like it OP.

Sorry to say , but it does seem as if he is hung up on her.

You deserve better and if it were me, I would lay it all on the line for him - that there would be no further relationship for us if he does still truly love his ex. He has to make his mind up - is this something that will ultimately prove too challenging to get past or does he really want to give your relationship with him a chance?

The choice should be obvious and any hesitation on his part? I would walk away to save myself the heartache.

Do what you believe is right for you, OP.

TheFaerieQueene · 07/01/2019 14:41

This isn’t the behaviour of a mature adult.

FullTimeYummy · 07/01/2019 14:50

The reactions on here are the behaviour of mature adults either though are they.

There's plenty of evidence the chap is having mental health problems. Maybe he isn't over her, whether he realises it or not. Maybe he has just gone a bit nuts. Maybe there is history there you don't know about.

Finish the relationship if you want. If you do, I don't think offering a supporting shoulder for him to cry on would be too far. If he reacts badly to that then maybe cut him loose, but all this immediate "gaslighting" screaming is just typical MN overeaction bollocks.

No need to mark anybody down as a cheating abuser just yet, and no need to finish the relationship on terrible terms just to satisfy the blood-thirsty saddos on here. More info needed before stringing anybody up by the balls.

Hidillyho · 07/01/2019 16:24

Supportive send off. What does that even mean?

My reply would be “why would you need space after finding an ex was pregnant unless there are feelings there. I am your current girlfriend yet you do not feel it necessary to reassure me after your odd reaction to this. You told me to move out and you need space, you are now going to a random place for time out and you are not willing to even speak to me about it”

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 07/01/2019 16:29

He’s not over her completely. Even if he won’t admit it to himself, her being pregnant is the sound of that door closing forever.

Alpacanorange · 07/01/2019 16:31

Who meets their ex every Christmas?? Who puts up with that ?

AdoreTheBeach · 07/01/2019 16:41

I do have another thought actually. What if this isn’t about the ex being the one that got away but rather about being 30, realising that people are moving on to next stage of life and that’s how the news has hit him. That it’s nearing the shit or get off the pot time and he doesn’t know what to do in his life, maybe now realises his life isn’t where he thought it would be by 30.

In any event, even the above scenario would also mean your relationship with him isn’t what he thought he’d have at 30. Not if he has to go away without you to think. For many it could lead to soul searching and long talks with partner, not running away.

Best not to invest anymore with this guy. Don’t chase him for answers, his actions are an answer. Look into extricating yourself from living together as move on. I don’t think you’ll hear what you want to hear from him.

TokenGinger · 07/01/2019 19:16

I don't think he's sleeping with her but I do think he's hung up on her.

I think finding out she's having a baby has thrown him because he always imagined he'd be the one she'd do that with, and that's why he needs space. Because he's hurt, and down, and trying to process it.

But he's being an utter twat with you in the process. He needs to be giving you reassurance. You need to send something along the lines of, "You find out your ex is pregnant and now you're having a breakdown. You need space. You don't want to be around me. Of course my reaction is to think it's because you're not over her and you're heartbroken that she's having a baby with someone that's not you. Maybe you need to think about how your actions are making me feel because this is not just a one way relationship."

cushioncuddle · 07/01/2019 19:31

And he makes out it's your fault again which avoids him admitting it's him that's being nasty.

Please walk away. Why accept being treated badly.

Yabbers · 07/01/2019 19:49

He hasn’t been sleeping with her. He wouldn’t tell his girlfriend, once a year, he’s off to meet the woman he is sleeping with.

He might still be hung up on her, but more likely it’s one of those moments where something happens and you start to look at your own life. It might be the catalyst but isn’t necessarily the reason. And his reaction to her saying she thinks he still loves her, could be disappointment in the lack of trust, or feeling really hurt she could think that, or that there’s something else that’s a problem and she isn’t interested because she decided he had been lying to her. This is equally plausible, but so many have just decided he’s a dick so LTB. He isn’t the first person who needed some space to think.

OP, if you love him give him at least a little benefit of the doubt. Tell him you want to help him and ask the best way to do it. He’s clearly struggling with something.

Original poster
marnieja · 07/01/2019 20:09

Thanks for all support I needed to hear it .

I know I need to start looking to move out and break up I just really don't want too.

We've been together 18 months so not long but it's been intense and I thought he was a good one .

Fuck knows what he's up to now !

OP posts:
Dunin · 07/01/2019 22:14

He’s having a breakdown?!? What! None of this makes sense. There’s something really wrong here. If it was me I’d message “WTF? You’re having a breakdown? Because your ex announced she’s pregnant? What is going on? I am your girlfriend you know but you’re acting like she’s your girlfriend because you’re SO upset about her pregnancy that I’ve had to move out of my own home. So this is how it is. You are being weird and unreasonable. This is nothing to do with me and I want nothing more to do with you or this weird ex being pregnant crap. So I am moving back into MY home. You’ve treated me like utter crap. You can move out. This is your breakdown, your ex, your problem, therefore YOU should be the one to move out. I’ll be back tomorrow eve at 6pm. Be gone when I get there” then mean it. He’s a total arsehole.

Tweety1981 · 07/01/2019 22:15

Dump him

C0untDucku1a · 07/01/2019 22:20

Intense at the start can actually be a red flag. Love bombing.

All you need to ask yourself is how does he make you feel? And is that what you want in a relationship.

AnoukSpirit · 07/01/2019 22:53

Intense, quick moving relationship is a warning sign.

As is he called me crazy

As is a bunch of other stuff you've described here.

And correctly identifying gaslighting doesn't make anybody blood thirsty or a saddo. Hmm Why so invested in minimising and defending abusive behaviour?

People who love you make mistakes, of course they do, but they don't treat you like this.

Maybe getting some clarity from professionals on the difference between a healthy relationship and not-so-healthy ones would help you reach your own conclusions that you can be confident in and find the strength you need.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/01/2019 23:37

Even removing all of the surrounding details about his ex and her pregnancy, the fact is: he pushed you away, for his own reasons, and is blaming you/twisting things.

End it, it will only hurt you further to cling on.

glutenfreepretzel · 08/01/2019 14:13

His response to your request to be honest indicates the following things:

  • your assumptions are correct, otherwise he wouldn't react in such a defensive manner.
  • He is gaslighting you, making you feel like you're the one being unreasonable, whereas we all see it is clearly him.
  • Unless you're a manipulative bullshitter yourself, you deserve much, much better.

Please run. It will suck at first, but you will feel soooo much better 3 months from now, I promise.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/01/2019 14:17

So, he has just said that he is having a breakdown over something that only exists in your imagination and that it is all your fault.

Pack your stuff, dust off your self esteem and tell him he is welcome to live with his heart broken self.

Walk away and live a letter life.

Butchyrestingface · 08/01/2019 14:25

Fuck knows what he's up to now !

Preparing for the arrival of his child, I would imagine. Exactly how "far" away does the ex live?

You are well rid, whether this baby is his or not.

toomuchtooold · 08/01/2019 14:43

So I don't know what he wants

What do you want? Not this. It shouldn't be this hard work when you've been together only 18 months.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.