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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want him to watch TV with me?

102 replies

SunLover53 · 06/01/2019 19:53

Been with husband 10 years, married 3, 5 year old son. He's always played video games since I met him (something I've never been interested in) but only when I wasn't around. We've been living together 7 years, and since we moved in together his video gaming has been a bone in contention between us. We've had another argument this evening over him playing video games every evening as soon as our son is in bed. He will play until around 1am every night. I'm sick and tired of spending every evening on my own and going to sleep on my own. His answer is he doesn't have any interest in watching tv/movies even though that's what we used to do with our evenings and gaming is his hobby and what he likes to do. I'm really frustrated and angry with him!!! AIBU to expect him to watch a movie or TV with me in the evenings like we used to?? I'm not saying all night every night, that's not what I expect, but surely he should want to spend some time with me??

OP posts:

TyrionsNextWife · 06/01/2019 19:56

You could get some 2player games and play with him? That way you’re still keeping each other company and he’s not sat staring at the tv that doesn’t interest him.

Strongmummy · 06/01/2019 19:57

Well I’d expect him to spend time with you in the evenings, yes. Whether that be watching TV, talking, playing board games or whatever. Sounds as though he has a problem with gaming and needs to limit his time on it

ShortandSweet96 · 06/01/2019 20:00

Hi OP, I can sympathise.

Do you evenings look a like like this sometimes?

Drives me skatty. Will not watch TV with me unless I've had a meltdown about playing games all the time and his friends aren't online.. he's 31 for crying out loud. Help!

ShortandSweet96 · 06/01/2019 20:01

Photo taken about 20 seconds ago. He hasn't even blinked in 3 hours

Amazonian27 · 06/01/2019 20:02

That would wind me up especially if it was every night. He sounds like my son whose 15 and does my head in but a teenager whose friends all live far away his argument is it’s an easy way to spend time with friends and people his own age.

RagingWhoreBag · 06/01/2019 20:02

I guess if he likes video games and you like TV you need to spend a little time doing each other’s thing with them or find a 3rd thing you both enjoy.

My dP plays games too and I have no interest in most of them, but when I recently asked him to show me how to play one he thought it was adorable that I’d shown an interest.

We do watch a lot of TV together, but we also put a limit on how much time we spend in our own little bubble on phones or games. It’s important to connect with each other, and whether that’s by watching or playing something together or going for a walk etc he needs to realised that zoning out of his relationship won’t end well.

I don’t know how you can convince him of that if you’ve already tried and he just justifies his gaming.

Can you come it from a positive place rather than “you’re always on the bloody X Box” try saying how much you used to enjoy it when you’d spend some time snuggled up watching a movie together and maybe you could pick a box set to start watching etc.

Try to present it as a good thing rather than a criticism so he can’t get defensive - hopefully! I don’t know really, got to be worth a try. I always recommend the Gottman Institute for good advice on relationships - have a read about ‘turning towards bids for attention’.

rackhampearl · 06/01/2019 20:05

DH and I have agreed that he can game Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. I get to watch my tv that he doesn't enjoy mainly touch of frost, morse ect. (For the nostalgia) and then we spend the rest of the nights together watching shows that we both love like Vikings and GOT. Can't you compromise like this? It's totally unfair for him to play it every night.

Therighthonourable · 06/01/2019 20:06

I feel your pain! 7days a week, every evening and through the day of a weekend. I can't remember the last time we went to bed at the same time.

However it is his only vice. He doesn't drink, not interested in pubs, sports, betting etc. And he is one amazing Dad.

I don't begrudge it too much

ShortandSweet96 · 06/01/2019 20:07

@rackhampearl.

I tried similar with my DP. I offered 3 nights a week, any nights if his choice, to play as much of his games as he likes, butnthen other nights to do something else and/or spend time with me.

He accused me of taking away his freedom.. out his headset back on and continues with his game.

Gamer wife life is not easy, and were not even married!

Original poster

SunLover53 · 06/01/2019 20:12

Thanks for your replies so far!

I've suggested watching different boxsets etc but he either refuses or watches a episode (while on his phone and paying zero attention) and then says it doesn't interest him. He plays in his office so feels like I'm home alone every evening as I don't see him and son is in bed! His games are all online multiplayer games so would need me to be in another room to play with him, so still on my own!

OP posts:

whatswithtodaytoday · 06/01/2019 20:12

Can you suggest you watch something or chat and then he games later? My partner is very into music and would happily do that all day if he could, but we'll eat dinner together and watch something until about half 8, then go our separate ways for the rest of the evening. I don't watch much TV but like time to myself to read or scroll through endless internet I wouldn't force him to watch TV he wasn't interested in - I'd hate someone to do that to me.

Original poster

SunLover53 · 06/01/2019 20:15

I don't want to force him to do anything but whatever I bring up he doesn't want to do. He doesn't want to play board games and to be honest I don't really know what more we could do during the evening when our son is in bed. During the xmas break he has gamed a lot during the day also and when I ask him to go for walks he isn't interested. I would happily play board games or watch anything on TV of his choice but all he wants to do is game alone

OP posts:

BackforGood · 06/01/2019 20:19

Every night until 1am sounds rather a lot.

However, if you want him to come and do something he isn't interested in, with you, are you also willing to spend a night or two a week doing something you aren't interested in, with him ?

Don't either of you ever go out anywhere ? Volunteer / take part in a hobby / exercise / meet up with people ?

elvis86 · 06/01/2019 20:20

That's ridiculous - when do you spend any time together? I appreciate that watching TV / movies every evening isn't for everyone either, but if he used to be fine with it and now insists on gaming all the time, it sounds to me like he has a problem...

To be honest I find it so unattractive when grown men are obsessed with gaming - I read on here that a lot of men are into it, but I just can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who behaved like an antisocial teenager.

Maelstrop · 06/01/2019 20:24

Evening time is either gaming or TV, nothing else? Will you play with him-would he want you to? I wouldn't want to game, I'd rather watch TV. Obviously he'd rather game, he'd be bored watching TV. However, preferring to game than to go out during the day with his family is an issue and that should perhaps be tackled.

adaline · 06/01/2019 20:24

I don't particularly want to spend my evenings watching TV either, so I don't really blame him for not finding it very interesting.

Is it a case of you being a bit bored or resentful that he has a hobby he loves and you're kind of just...stuck watching TV because there's nothing else to do - can you not go out if he's home playing games? Gym, a class, to see a friend or something?

I wonder if part of it is he doesn't miss you because you're always together. Even if he's playing games you're still at home together every single evening.

Louiselouie0890 · 06/01/2019 20:25

My Oh is on it from 7pm every night and I have to go in my room which I do enjoy but not every single night. I have to book in to spend an evening with him and it has to be if it suits him

Boswellox · 06/01/2019 20:30

I also watch stuff alone. Have gotten used to it now :( . I keep an eye on Mumsnet Telly Addicts but also mourn the loss of the IMDB "Message Boards" which I miss as a resource of information and opinion. I understand the expense of moderating them may have been too much, but to have completely deleted the archives as opposed to just not allowing new comments was a "crime", (not a real crime, obvs) to me.

Shoxfordian · 06/01/2019 20:32

He sounds selfish, its one thing to like video games but its another to ignore your partner every night so you can play them. What's the point in living with him when he doesn't want to spend any time with you?!

ShortandSweet96 · 06/01/2019 20:33

Update on my end: DP now has feet on arrest of my sofa, knows I hate this, doesn't care because call of duty. Rolo also looking on in shock at his selfishness. No belly rubs for Rolo and no attention for me!

BunsOfAnarchy · 06/01/2019 20:33

Get a Netflix subscription and he will soon change his mind!

Original poster

SunLover53 · 06/01/2019 20:41

Our son goes to bed at 7.30, by this time I'm tired and don't want to go out to the gym or to meet friends. We sit down and have dinner as a family around 6, then talk/play with our son, or our son watches him game as this is something our skn enjoys. I'm a stay at home mum so I do all house work and cooking etc. We do go out for family meals but he almost always comes home and goes straight to gaming. I only say about him watching TV with me as this is what we always used to do, we watched series or movies most nights of the week. We can't go out in the evenings as who would watch our son? Obviously there are times we will go out for meals together or go to the cinema and get a babysitter but day to day, it's not something we do.

OP posts:

Original poster

SunLover53 · 06/01/2019 20:42

We have Netflix and full sky package. He's not interested. It's really getting me down. He's a great dad, a lovely guy, but I can't see any middle ground on this

OP posts:

StreetwiseHercules · 06/01/2019 20:43

That is over the top.

I always loved video games and still a bit of FIFA on the PS4 but only maybe half an hour to an hour if my wife has gone to bed. It’s very therapeutic for me, helps me relax and wind down.

I think when you have a wife and young kids you have to accept that your life has changed and you just can’t do the things you used to do.

My wife actually bought me my PS4 for this and she wouldn’t have done that if the balance was in any way off. I also care about how my wife views me and I wouldn’t want to be seen by her as not pulling my weight and certainly not as a gamer type who sits and plays games shouting into a headset. I think anyone would lose a bit of respect in a woman’s eyes that way. Worse even that being seen playing Warhammer Dungeons and Dragons!

FIFA is the only game that has ever been in my machine and is used sparingly in a way which works with family life.

RagingWhoreBag · 06/01/2019 21:08

I also care about how my wife views me and I wouldn’t want to be seen by her as not pulling my weight and certainly not as a gamer type who sits and plays games shouting into a headset. Exactly Hercules. My DP always says he doesn’t want to be ”that guy” and turns off his Switch/puts down his phone etc when I come into the room. It seems a lot of men are quite happy being “that guy” and then they’ll wonder why their marriage falls apart.

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