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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to watch TV with me?

102 replies

SunLover53 · 06/01/2019 19:53

Been with husband 10 years, married 3, 5 year old son. He's always played video games since I met him (something I've never been interested in) but only when I wasn't around. We've been living together 7 years, and since we moved in together his video gaming has been a bone in contention between us. We've had another argument this evening over him playing video games every evening as soon as our son is in bed. He will play until around 1am every night. I'm sick and tired of spending every evening on my own and going to sleep on my own. His answer is he doesn't have any interest in watching tv/movies even though that's what we used to do with our evenings and gaming is his hobby and what he likes to do. I'm really frustrated and angry with him!!! AIBU to expect him to watch a movie or TV with me in the evenings like we used to?? I'm not saying all night every night, that's not what I expect, but surely he should want to spend some time with me??

OP posts:
adaline · 07/01/2019 14:24

It is for this poster - remember?

But again, it's not, is it? It's the fact that he's choosing his hobby over spending time with his wife. The fact that the hobby is gaming and not football/modelling/irish dancing is irrelevant!

redannie118 · 07/01/2019 14:36

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

RomanyRoots · 07/01/2019 14:42

He did this when you met him, so you know he's a gamer.
However it's not unreasonable to think he'd want to spend time with you too, sometimes.
I would never have got involved with a gamer as my own opinion is grown adults don't need toys, rather than spend time with family or interesting hobbies. But that's just me.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 14:48

If his gaming is leaving you feeling neglected then YANBU

And equally her tv habit could be making him feel neglected. There are two sides to every story. He doesn't wish to sit and watch tv. She doesn't wish to sit and game.

It could easily be described as her hobby is watching tv. They need to meet somewhere in the middle. Not one force the other to sit miserably doing something the other likes.

In reality the pp who suggested they set one night a week at least to do neither, just have a romantic meal together, talk, whatever is right. Or they each make an effort to spend one night doing what thr other likes.

HannaSong · 07/01/2019 14:53

It's a difficult one. It's not fair to expect him to watch TV with you if he doesn't enjoy it and vice versa.

I think you need to find a compromise and do something together that isn't TV or Gaming.

It does sound like he is playing a lot though, and I'm a big gamer who plays most days

blackteasplease · 07/01/2019 14:57

Does sound odd to live with someone and not want to spend any time with them (i.e. him).

ethelfleda · 07/01/2019 15:00

I’m sorry OP but this thread makes me so so glad I’m married to a grown up.
DH has zero interest in gaming - we own one consol (ps3) that we use occasionally for DVDs
He needs to grow up and put a bit of effort into your relationship!! Gaming every night until 1am is a tad pathetic imo

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 15:08

He needs to grow up and put a bit of effort into your relationship!! Gaming every night until 1am is a tad pathetic imo

But watching tv isn't?

HannaSong · 07/01/2019 15:09

I hate that so many people on this site view gaming so badly. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean its pathetic or only for kids. I'm 35yo woman - I love games and I'm definitely a grown up!

HoneyBumpkin · 07/01/2019 15:13

Could you throw it open to him to suggest a joint activity you can do? Tell him you are feeling lonely (esp as SAHM without the outlet of adult company at work) and would like to spend more time with him 1-3 nights a week/whatever you are comfortable with. Point out that you used to do this watching TV but as he doesn't enjoy that any more, it would be great if he would suggest something else..

If he's the great guy you say he is, he will get your point. For me it's part of being in a relationship and part of him supporting you as a SAHM (don't get me wrong, I would still be unhappy with this and I'm not a SAHM but I think it's putting extra pressure on)

Like others, DH games but not all the time. If he did, I would complain because the whole point of us living together is to spend time together!

Some 'house based' suggestions that work for us that aren't TV/board games: cooking a new recipe together ("grown up" meal/dessert after DS has gone to bed?); making a giant Lego model; planning future day trips/holidays; jigsaws; talking about news stories; fantasy house buying (DH finds dilapidated castles on right move and we plan how we would do them up 😁)
It may be that you would both hate all of those! It doesn't really matter what it is, it's just about reconnecting.

Fwiw I think I would have a go at some gaming if he wants you to- but he needs to put some effort in too (although not necessarily watching TV just because he used to like it)

Parttimewasteoftime · 07/01/2019 15:37

My DH is studying towards a OU degree yes it annoying but he is doing it to improve his job prospects. He studys week nights I take the kids on days out at weekends if needed.
However he doesn't study weekend nights and starts when DC are in bed. Your OH has a problem he has to see he needs to spend a few nights with you.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 15:54

I hate that so many people on this site view gaming so badly

I suspect it's lack of knowledge and generational. However I've just turned fifty and really don't see it as much different to watching tv. My husband will game, not like the ops, and so will my 21 year old daughter and when she's home they will do it together. I have sat in the room and watched but it's not my bag, but I could also join in if I chose.

I'd say two people gaming together are interacting with each other way way more than two people sitting engrossed in front of the tv.

Gaming can be addictive, but then so can binge watching suits or game of thrones, of eagerly awaiting Luther every night. I'm not really seeing a huge difference or why watching tv together is acceptable but gaming weirdly isn't. All I can put it down to is lack of knowledge of the latter and the fact they personally do the former.

BackforGood · 07/01/2019 20:21

Adaline and Bluntness100 are spot on.

I've never played a video game in my life either, but there is nothing worse about gaming than sitting watching TV every night or MNing.

ShortandSweet96 · 07/01/2019 20:27

Me again, another night of this. At least the massive fucking truck has gone upstairs!..

To want him to watch TV with me?
Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 20:37

But short and sweet he could easily post a pic of any tv program and say the same, "another fucking night of this"

I am not understanding your point.

ilovesooty · 07/01/2019 20:38

demand he spends some time with you willingly Grin

I think it's the communication and finding something to do together that's the issue, not the gaming itself. Hopefully the OP and her OH can reflect on this to the benefit of the relationship, not with the attitude of some of the posters here.

ShortandSweet96 · 07/01/2019 21:19

@bluntness100.

I don't spend 5/6 hours a night watching programmes. In fact, I don't spend 5/6 hours looking at any screen in one go. The point us it's nice to do something together. It's not nice having to look at the back if his heads for hours on end.

And aftee seeing some of your comments before; Clearly, Bluntness you like to spend 6 hours a night sat behind your phone looking for people to critise and arguments to cause. Are you really THAT sad?

I'm posting the pictures light heartedly anyway, and he knows I'm doing it and were both laughing.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 21:25

You might both be laughing but your post comes across as angry abusive and insulting.

But if that cracks you both up you crack on.

But I'll leave you with this thought, my husband does wish to spend time with me.

ShortandSweet96 · 07/01/2019 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 07/01/2019 21:41

short you did say you were frustrated and angry in your op but now it's a just a laugh?

You have a right to be angry and frustrated at the amount of time he spends gaming. Watching TV together might not be the answer as that can be pretty passive......unless like us you're quiz fans as then it becomes very interactive!!

But.....if this was all just a laugh and you aren't really bothered then I'm not sure why you posted ???

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 07/01/2019 21:42

*quiz fans like us

ShortandSweet96 · 07/01/2019 21:44

Because sometimes it is absolutely infuriating that he sits there for hours staring at the screen. I can understand why the OP is feeling the way she is.

But don't we all have flaws?
For me the gaming is frustrating, but it's not a deal breaker. I posted my frustration to get it off my chest and laugh about it.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 07/01/2019 21:55

But first some that would be a deal-breaker. I'd be livid if my DH was doing something the removed him from family life and meant I was spending every evening alone and going to bed alone every night. It could be gaming, sport or going to the pub. Every night is excessive and not the life I signed up for when I got together with DH.

It's sounds pretty lonely tbh.

GrapesAreMyJam · 07/01/2019 21:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ShortandSweet96 · 07/01/2019 22:05

@blaablaablaa. When we have a family ill feel the same way, but at the moment it is just me and him. He knows when enough is enough most if the time. I know this because instead if just going on his games he'll hang around me while I make tea sniffling about asking if he can help me in anyway, then ask if he can go on his game for an hour lol.
Although it is annoying that I get ignored while he's on it, I can cope with it for now. Once we have a family then he'll have to choose his time more carefully.