Parents want to sleep on our sofa when we have our newborn

[HighlandRed]

My due date with our first DC is less than a week away. We live 250 miles from my parents who are lovely and very supportive. We live in a city in a one bedroom flat so it's going to be cramped with a newborn as it is.

My parents have always said they'll come down for a few days when he baby is born to meet him or her. My mum understands and has talked about staying in a hotel, my dad wants to sleep on our sofa and has said he's "bringing a sleeping bag". They're not wealthy but not hard up either and go on a few holidays each year.

I feel guilty not having the space to accommodate them but don't want to come out of hospital and have two extra people sleeping in our front room when it's a tiny space as it is. AIBU to say they need to stay in a hotel?

DH and I can't afford to pay for the hotel.

TarragonSauce
How lucky are you having such a lovely MIL.

I'm with poutysprout. I Wish I'd had her presence of mind and good boundaries.
Everyone seems to treat childbirth like some kind of social event. It isn't a social event--its a medical emergency.
New mothers have every right not to entertain visitors.

I wouldn't. In the first two weeks when night is day and day is night you're going to want a cup of tea at 3am. You need to be able to sleep when the baby sleeps and otherwise lounge around being snobby and absolutely not worrying about anyone else.

I agree with @PoutySprout You need your home to be a bit of a haven, and a chance to have space to get to know your new baby. Overnight visitors when you've just given birth is just too much.

Can you suggest they come up when your OH has finished paternity leave? Failing that just don't tell them when DC arrives.... at least not for the first few weeks anyway! My DM instead on coming over every day, and then cried when I asked her not to. So important to establish boundaries right now, wish I had!

My parents stayed in a hotel when they came to stay after my baby was born, and even then I still got a bit annoyed with them being there sometimes! I can't imagine how bad a 1 bedroom flat would be! Don't do it!!

Good luck with the baby, OP. You get to call the shots!

It’s not going to work- you just have to be equally belligerent back at your dad. If he’s one of those who thinks he can intimidate women, get your husband onside for the conversation too.

YANBU do not feel guilty. My parents live abroad and came across to help when my daughter was born. We have an actual spare room with a proper bed but we still said they couldn't stay in the house. They rented an Airbnb for the week. And thank God they did because theres no way they couldve helped if we had all been on top of each other here. Even with my husband off on paternity leave it was all hands on deck. I barely got dressed and was waking every hour to feed through the night for the first week... no way would I have wanted anyone even my parents, staying in my space.

It would be different if you had a big house and your parents were very easy going helpful types who would be helping out around the house and looking after you. So I wouldn't say parents should never stay after a baby but it very much depends on circumstances.
In your case I would definitely say no. It won't cost much for a B&B and will be more comfortable for them too.

Childbirth isn't a social event, nor is it a medical emergency. It's a perfectly normal and natural part of life which grandparents can get over excited about. Sensible ones dial it down and if they don't they need to persuaded to do so. At least your mum's got some sense, OP.

Yes, of course they can stay. Obviously they will need to be ok with you wandering through the living room with a screaming baby up to 6 times a night, or potentially all night (should the baby prove difficult to settle). And they'll need to be able to take over cooking, cleaning, & supermarket run duties etc, as you'll obviously be sleeping as you will have been up all night with the baby. Or you will be attached to the baby, feeding for hours, & will still be rather sore from the birth. But that's ok with them, right?

No way would I go for this.

Your parents want to hijack your special and precious time to bond as a family.

It's all me me me from them. Ask them if their parents did it too....why else would they be so crass?

You don't need this stress right now.

Do they also expect you to wait on them with tea-making in the morning? English breakfast?

You are going to be a new mum and family. No better time to draw up new parameters.

A hotel would be better for everyone

Crying baby, recuperating Mummy & extra bodies

Give yourself some space & them too.

Good luck

You're a tired, bleeding, milky mess with a newborn and you'll need the living room for tag team sleeping for you and dh. The baby will be crying through night and day and you'll spend most of your time with your tits out eating biscuits and whimpering in pain from cracked nips. They need a b&b.

Sorry, memories flooding back. Mum did stay with us from pre birth for a week or two. We had a spare room and she was awesome, never in the way. We did need the sofa though.

Doubly no if he can be difficult and belligerent!

Hell no. A hotel and you can tell them when you’re ready for visitors and they don’t stay all day if they want waiting on.

@TarragonSauce your MIL is the best! She should hold a AMA to tell others how to have a loving relationship that you want to include them on

Just say no.

Having a child of your own changes the dynamic between you and your parents. You are a parent now and your wishes, and need to provide what you and your child need, takes precedence. If you haven't already, learn to say no without discomfort. If your dad chooses to be difficult, then so be it. Remain calm- he'll be just having a toddler tantrum. You don't have to give in to it.

That would be a solid nope from me.

Given they are 250 miles away offer to Skype them regularly. Suggest they plan a visit in person when baby is about six weeks old and you are more physically recovered. Even then with a one bed flat make it be an Airbnb.

I would tell your parents that you want the first week at least to be just you, dh and baby, to bond and recover. Then you would be happy for them to book a hotel and come for a visit. You really do need to just sleep, bond and enjoy that precious time without having to be up, and sociable when all you want to do is to rest.

Six weeks is way too long and Skype will only make them feel they're really missing out. Our grandson changed massively in just the three weeks between our visits. A hotel and short visits is the way to go.

Big nope. Mine stayed in a Travelodge.

Bonus of staying in an air bnb or similar - they can use the kitchen there to prepare meals and bring them over to you.

Oh my goodness this thread is making me really on edge.... please come back OP to let us know you will not allow this to happen . Just the thought of it is shuddery.

Also good luck and I second the AirBnB idea.