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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents want to sleep on our sofa when we have our newborn

108 replies

HighlandRed · 06/01/2019 16:48

My due date with our first DC is less than a week away. We live 250 miles from my parents who are lovely and very supportive. We live in a city in a one bedroom flat so it's going to be cramped with a newborn as it is.

My parents have always said they'll come down for a few days when he baby is born to meet him or her. My mum understands and has talked about staying in a hotel, my dad wants to sleep on our sofa and has said he's "bringing a sleeping bag". They're not wealthy but not hard up either and go on a few holidays each year.

I feel guilty not having the space to accommodate them but don't want to come out of hospital and have two extra people sleeping in our front room when it's a tiny space as it is. AIBU to say they need to stay in a hotel?

DH and I can't afford to pay for the hotel.

OP posts:
Ilovemypantry · 06/01/2019 17:28

PoutySprout
Am I understanding you right...you have a 6 bedroom house but refused to have your in-laws to stay when your baby was born? No wonder they refused to come! How mean of you.

CallMeSirShotsFired · 06/01/2019 17:29

Tell them the baby's bedroom is the lounge.

Blessingsdragon1 · 06/01/2019 17:30

I think a huge problem is mother's were kept in hospital longer a generation ago

LadyGregorysToothbrush · 06/01/2019 17:31

PoutySprout

You have a 6 bedroom house but refused to allow your PIL to stay? Why?

waterplease · 06/01/2019 17:32

Are you sure your dads not joking?Confused

I'm sure they won't come and live on your sofa, don't worryWink

Topseyt · 06/01/2019 17:33

You'll be needing your sofa a lot during the night if you only have a one bedroom flat. Tell your mum this and ask her to work on your Dad. Nobody will get much sleep if you are all on top of each other in your flat.

Far better if they book a local hotel or B & B for a couple of nights.

CurcubitaPepo · 06/01/2019 17:34

I’d be telling them that they hadn’t thought the logistics of it through, because at the end of the day whoever gets up with the child in the night is going to take it into the living room to feed so that the other one can sleep. So unless they fancy being awakened every couple of hours...........

Sandsnake · 06/01/2019 17:34

Another for definitely not! I can’t overstate how much I needed my own space when DS was a newborn - it was almost primal. Sounds like your mum understands that but your dad doesn’t! Absolutely stick to your guns on this one. Best of luck with the baby!

Lovemusic33 · 06/01/2019 17:35

Make them stay in a hotel.

I remember my first night after dd1 was born, I stupidly left hospital a few hours after giving birth as I wanted to be at home, I was in so much pain that I slept on a mattress on the floor with dd in her mosses basket next to me as I couldn’t keep getting out of bed to reach over and get her when she cried Sad. The first 2 nights were not much fun. I was happy to have my mum around during the day to help out but I wouldn’t have wanted her sleeping on my sofa.

Original poster
HighlandRed · 06/01/2019 17:35

@waterplease no he's not joking. He can be belligerent and difficult or maybe it's just incredibly naive.

I'm going to speak to my mum and tell her we don't have room for them to stay and that's that.

Do you think it's OK to limit them to a couple of nights in a hotel and then tell them we will visit them in a few weeks? If they're in a hotel nearby they'll still be sitting in our flat all day and just go back to their room to sleep when really a couple of hours visiting a day would be enough.

OP posts:
JudasPrudy · 06/01/2019 17:36

But what about if you want to sit on the living room floor and cry with milk dripping down your front like I did Blush they can get to fuck

Echobelly · 06/01/2019 17:37

Definitely put your foot down here and say you just don't have the room and, much as you love them, you need your personal space. Plus on a pragmatic level you'll be up and down all night, probably half dressed! You can't have your living space taken up like that, and they won't get any sleep either, so it doesn't help you at all.

mumsastudent · 06/01/2019 17:37

tell him (not suggesting dh is a chauvinist) that dh may need to sleepout there to get some sleep …. (not b. likely mate that dh will be taking dc to allow you some extra sleep:) ) also remind him how noisy babies are in your very small not sound proof flat!

ludothedog · 06/01/2019 17:38

I was dreading having my mother to stay after having DD. In truth she was a godsend. I cried when she went home. It was also the beginning of a lovely relationship between DD and her gran.

MN is very critical of grandparents. Perhaps I've been lucky. It's just a couple of days. I say let them come.

User758172 · 06/01/2019 17:38

I wouldn’t even suggest the hotel - otherwise they’ll be there for weeks and at yours all day long. I get they’re excited, but their behaviour really isn’t acceptable.

harrypotterfan1604 · 06/01/2019 17:39

No no no no and even more no!

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 06/01/2019 17:40

However you're feeding your baby, you'll need a good, supportive chair to sit in. Perching on your bed won't cut it. So your parents will probably find that the baby is coming into the living room at night for feeds and badly changed and probably also just to pace the floor and get them to sleep. You really will need both the bedroom and the living room, and in the early days the living room is usually full of baby stuff as you want everything nearby. Even duplicating things wherever you are. So a changing mat and nappies and clean clothes wherever they're handy, even if that means the sofa is covered in baby stuff leaving one seat free for you. There'll be no room for visitors and their belongings. And unless your parents are pretty self - sufficient and likely to take themselves out from time to time, you might get fed up of them just being there.

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 06/01/2019 17:41

Badly changrd= nappy changes!

waterplease · 06/01/2019 17:42

@HighlandRed oh man, that's not good then!Shock honestly i'd probably just say if they want to come visit baby in hospital that's fine, but no coming to your home or staying there and that you'll visit them in a week or 2 when you feel a bit better.

I guess if your parents live further away it's more difficult! If I was pregnant I wouldn't mind mine visiting during the day/after work as I know they'll be going home shortly. They only live 10 mins away.

Bluelady · 06/01/2019 17:42

Our latest grandchild is six weeks old, we've visited twice for two or three hours at a time and that's been plenty long enough for them. It's a 200 mile round trip otherwise we'd have gone more. Your mum needs to give your dad a good slap, what he wants is unfair and ridiculous.

DeRigueurMortis · 06/01/2019 17:44

Yes - I think that's perfectly reasonable.

Stay in a hotel a couple of nights to see the newborn and then you'll visit them when your more settled in a month or so (or longer if that's what it takes).

Tbh OP you'll really regret not putting your foot down.

I see so many posts where new mothers say those first weeks were made really difficult because family wouldn't give them the space they needed.

It's a really special time and you need to make your boundaries clear.

It's also a time of shift - your still your parents daughter but your also going to be a mother and your primary allegiance is inevitably going to mean putting your "new" family unit first and your parents wants are not going to be top priority any more.

Most GP's don't need that spelled out to them but looks like your father might.

You might as well make that boundary clear from the get go.

TidyDancer · 06/01/2019 17:44

Aside from any personal thoughts on the matter, this really isn't practical. You could be absolutely desperate to have them stay and be on board with the sofa sleeping and you'd still have to say no I think.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 06/01/2019 17:45

Treat it like a joke.

Ha ha ha - oh Dad you are funny! I'll make up the guest room in the East wing shall I?! Anyway, which hotel are you and Mum planning to stay in, or are you thinking Air BnB instead?

If he persists with the suggestion, then tell him straight: Dad, I'm thrilled that you and Mum are coming. But surely you can understand that it's just impossible for you to stay? We have no room and I'll need all the space we have for when the baby comes. The last thing I want to do is be worrying about waking you both up when I'm trying to feed during the night, because I'm going to be busy enough looking after the baby and recovering from the birth.

codswallopandbalderdash · 06/01/2019 17:47

NO WAY! I was in similar situation and found mum and dad a short term rental for a week on gumtree (no such thing as airBnB then)

DeRigueurMortis · 06/01/2019 17:49

ludo i don't think people are generally critical of grandparents tbh - just ones with silly suggestions.

Accommodating guests in a one bedroom flat with a newborn is a recopie for disaster.

No one has said to stop the GP visiting, rather that the accommodation can't be with the OP.

I'm glad your MIL was a great help to you. I'm sure many others new mums have similar stories.

However what works in one situation doesn't in others - circumstances and personalities are very different and from that the OP has posted her father clearly doesn't have a grasp on the implications of what he's proposing - as such the chances of him being a helpful house guest are very slim indeed.

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