Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this? Please help!

145 replies

Honeypothouse · 06/01/2019 14:57

So have NC for this,

I recently ended a relationship, I was in this for around a year and a half,we met online if that is relevant. Thing's were going well but a few thing's were bothering me as such we talk and he ended the relationship and said it wasnt what he wanted anymore because I wouldn't admit my wrongs, mainly

  • I wasn't affectionate enough
  • I didn't make plans including him enough
  • I didn't text him first enough
The list goes on,most of which wasn't even true.. this just made me glad the relationship had come to an end. The thing is I have a 3 year old child, i work full time and I honestly felt I was doing okay at everything. He had met my DC and his parents had met my DC a couple of times. Now the point of the post, he ended things on December 21st. I got on with things and plodded on, yesterday i recieved an email from him breaking down how much he and his parents had apparently spent on my DC for presents, they have never bought her anything before, or asked what shes into or give any indication they were buying her gifts, now suddenly bewtween them they've apparently spent around £200 they expect me to pay back? I haven't even replied but tbh his mum is quite loud and scary,im quite worried she may turn up over this, does anybody have any advice? He has now said he has reasons to be worried over the safety of my child and picked holes in my parenting. He knows i have quite recently gone back onto antidepressants and this seems to be his main point. I have no reason to be scared of him or his family in a violence way they are just quitle loud and outspoken and I've heard how they have treated other people thats making me worry. Its just all such a mess

Sorry if there is spelling/grammar errors im just a little panicky

OP posts:
pictish · 06/01/2019 15:52

Oh hell no. This doesn’t warrant any response beyond silence. Block him everywhere.

starzig · 06/01/2019 15:52

Can you ask for the receipts and take them back yourself yo keep the peace?

Jamiefraserskilt · 06/01/2019 15:54

"Yes, he wants paying for the Christmas presents he and his parents bought for my daughter before he broke up with me. Because we split on 21st, obviously she did not receive them. Maybe he should have chucked me before they went shopping!"

Make sure your friends know the truth, how stupid it sounds when said out loud and let them handle his moaning.
This is so ludicrous.
Sounds like parents spent money and are pissed off with their son for his crap timing.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/01/2019 15:56

It doesn't sound as though your child even got the presents. Even if she did, they were gifts.

Exactly as Hollowtalk and Annie have said - they are GIFTS. There is a clue in the name.

If (and it's a big "if") they chose to spend £200 on your child, buying things that you did not request, or receive, or know anything about - than that's their worry, not yours.

He broke up with you to try to bring you to heel, I think. It didn't work because you have more sense than to chat after a controlling man. You would be right to thank your lucky stars because you have nothing to bind you to him, other than worry that his family may come round. TBH - I'll not be surprised if his mother knows nothing about these "gifts", and he is making the whole malarky up!

Others have given good advice: block; ignore; contact police if he harasses you.

KittyClaus · 06/01/2019 15:57

But he didn't give the gifts to your child? Why on earth should you pay for anything?

Another vote for block and ignore. If these gifts really existed they could be returned / regifted. As it is it seems like a handy reason to get you talking to him again.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/01/2019 15:58

It doesn't sound as though your child even got the presents. Even if she did, they were gifts.

Exactly as Hollowtalk and Annie have said - they are GIFTS. There is a clue in the name.

If (and it's a big "if") they chose to spend £200 on your child, buying things that you did not request, or receive, or know anything about - than that's their worry, not yours. You could, if you can be bothered, point out that HE finished with YOU, so he is the one responsible for any out-of-pocket expenses his parents might have incurred.

He broke up with you to try to bring you to heel, I think. It didn't work because you have more sense than to chat after a controlling man. You would be right to thank your lucky stars because you have nothing to bind you to him, other than worry that his family may come round. TBH - I'll not be surprised if his mother knows nothing about these "gifts", and he is making the whole malarky up!

Others have given good advice: block; ignore; contact police if he harasses you.

He's a twonk! Don't lose any more sleep over it.

Ourmaud · 06/01/2019 15:58

@mrsgarethsouthgate op is being extorted for money and her ex is threatening social services if she doesn’t pay for gifts (which were neither wanted or received)
At the very least it’s attempt to gain money by deception and it reeks of financial abuse. Of course it should be logged with the police- her ex could have form for violence or abusive behaviour. The police certainly won’t mind putting op’s mind at rest and logging an incident is their job for heavens sake.

Berthatydfil · 06/01/2019 15:58

Just to add to suggested text above
"Yes, he text me to say he felt i owed him for presents he and his family apparently bought for X for Christmas but never actually gave her as we broke up before Xmas. Bizarre I know. Why they are badgering me I don’t know when any normal person would just return them to the shop and get their money back. Looks like I dodged a bullet.”

SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/01/2019 15:59

*chase, not chat Hmm

dontneedthedrama · 06/01/2019 15:59

Also if the parents had bought presents for your daughter surely they would still want to pass on it's hardly her fault. Yes totally taking the piss the cf .

supersop60 · 06/01/2019 16:01

He's a nutter.
Block and ignore, don't engage with him.
By all means - tell your friends exactly what he is saying.
Onwards and upwards OP.

ToeToToe · 06/01/2019 16:01

"Yes, he wants paying for the Christmas presents he and his parents bought for my daughter before he broke up with me. Because we split on 21st, obviously she did not receive them. Maybe he should have chucked me before they went shopping!"

Is the perfect thing to tell your mutual friends.

Of course you shouldn't pay. He sounds very abusive - the sort of abusive man that people have written books - www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforum-21 like this - about, tbh.

Block him. If he does come to your house, don't let him in.

AudTheDeepMinded · 06/01/2019 16:01

@ourmaud exactly! I'm not one of those hysterical posters that suggest contacting police because their neighbour sneezed too loudly or something but I would say this is extortion, blackmail etc and is thus deserving of their attention.

Crunchymum · 06/01/2019 16:02

What an absolute nasty cunt.

Yep just block. Although I'm not sure if I could trust myself not to reply???

If probably say
"Please feel free to return the gifts that were never asked for, nor ever received. Please do not contact me again"

diddl · 06/01/2019 16:02

Oh Op sounds as if you didn't fall into his trap.

You didn't beg & plead for Christmas together?

Good for you!

Ignore this ridiculous behaviour of his but maybe keep a record in case he escalates?

Aeroflotgirl · 06/01/2019 16:03

How do you know they actually bought the presents, or they are trying to con money from you. Why do you spend that much on a child that is not really in a long term relationship. I would have thought a token presents would be fine.

MadameButterface · 06/01/2019 16:09

“said it wasnt what he wanted anymore because I wouldn't admit my wrongs”

You have had such a lucky escape. I would send one last text saying that you will not be paying him or his mother any money and any further harassment of you in any way on any platform will result in you going to the police, then block and ignore.

I’d consider doing the freedom programme as well, as this man sounds like a thorough nobhead, none of this is your fault obviously, and you were happy to end it, but it may be worth exploring if there is anything in your past that might mean that you are unconsciously attracting men eho want to push people around. The fact that you were actually relieved when this relationahip ended but did not take the step of ending it yourself makes me worry that somewhere inside you there’s a part of you that doesn’t feel like you deserve good treatment or feels like you have to ‘settle’ and guess what, that’s not true Flowers

FlawedAmazon · 06/01/2019 16:10

Well done for ending the relationship OP. Now block block block.

TougheningUp · 06/01/2019 16:15

I would send him one message, in writing, so either a text or an email, telling him not to contact you again. And then ignore. Because if he does then escalate you can go to the police and tell them you've asked him not to contact you, which might make the police take his harassment of you more seriously.

Don't pay him anything, don't be drawn into any discussions, don't do anything other than tell him not to contact you again. If your friends tell you they hear you owe him money, tell them he's been asking you to pay for presents you neither asked for nor received. Show them his messages. But don't discuss it with him. There's no point.

Motoko · 06/01/2019 16:15

Can you ask for the receipts and take them back yourself yo keep the peace?

@starzig OP never received the presents. They might not even exist.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 06/01/2019 16:16

Plan of action:

  1. Block and ignore.
  1. If the mother - or anyone else, including your ex - turns up and wants to discuss it, you answer "I am not paying any money, it was entirely your choice and I am not discussing it further". Practise repeating it so you have the phrase to hand if necessary.
  1. Call the police for any escalation of point 2. Bullies are cowards and I'll bet folding money they'll back right off if their bluff is called.

And 4. is don't worry about your child. Social Services will not get involved just because a parent is on anti-depressants - if anything, this shows that you're managing your health and ensuring you are able to look after your child. Your ex is just trying to frighten you because, by accepting the break up, you've taken away any control he had over you. He's an arse.

BrendasUmbrella · 06/01/2019 16:16

Tell him he should return the imaginary gifts and get his money back.

He's being abusive. If he's going by the "playbook" he'll harass you until he thinks you're at breaking point, then be nice to you so that you will be relieved and take him back.

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 06/01/2019 16:18

I would just block and ignore. If they have gifts that they did not give, then they can return them or give them to somebody else. They chose to buy them (if indeed it actually even happened), nobody forced them to.

Being on anti depressants does not mean you are unfit to look after a child. If that were true, half the country's children would be in care!

He ended it, he has no reason to bully you now, just ignore him and feel sorry for the one he is with now. Just ignore comments by others, it is not their business, or have some sort of stock reply for them, don't get drawn into discussion.

InspectorIkmen · 06/01/2019 16:20

Your thread title is odd.

You're asking if you should say 'no' to this - and then go on to explain the situation. I just want to ask you WHY this is even a question in your mind? Before this thread were you seriously considering saying 'yes' to this? I'd have trouble believing that to be honest. Who on earth would hand over money for unsolicited gifts that have not yet been given?

Juells · 06/01/2019 16:20

screenshot the email and send it round to any mutual friends who've been told you owe him money Grin

I'd consider what he's doing a form of blackmail - "pay me this money or I'll report you to SS and you'll have them on your back". He's very creepy and bullying.

Swipe left for the next trending thread