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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A point of view

87 replies

Amanwithhis4kids · 06/01/2019 13:09

Ok. Here goes.
I am a father of 4. With 3 baby mums. Not ideal, and not how I see things. But that doesn’t make me a bad father. I am very active in my children’s lives. I see them all every week. But not everyday. I am currently with my youngest mum. But we live apart. My place is too far for her and hers is too small for when I have my other children.

We both earn earn well and and the same amount annually.

So the issue is the aged old thing. Money.
As we live apart we have separate everything.
Mortgage bill etc.
Before my DS was born we spoke and I insisted we move in together. She refused and wanted to live separate until both debts were paid. 2.5 years later it’s still like this.
I said at the time. If we do not live together i would not be able to pay half any child care fees£1200pm . Most months I make just enough to cover all my bills (mortgage£1100pm Csa£500, + everything else all essentials etc.) I do pay a towards nursery £260pm My mrs on the other pays the rest. But bare in mind her mortgage is only £500pm.

Right so. She says I need to pay Half. She doesn’t care where the money comes from, it’s not her issue. Even though I said before my DS was born I couldn’t contribute if she returned to work. I have even suggested we put both out wages in a pot. Pay all bills and work our what we have left to live off. And the answer was no. Her finances are not my issue. I just need to pay half.

Am I in the wrong ? Because honestly I do not know how I would get that extra money month in month out. I don’t have sky or anything like that. I don’t drink(often) or smoke. I do go gym. But one of the cheap ones. Most of my money is spent on my children.

Help! If I am bang out of order say so. I’ve asked FF but they can be biased.

R

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 06/01/2019 13:13

I'd suggest more attention to contraception and taking on board that active parenting isn't a part time activity.

dontneedthedrama · 06/01/2019 13:17

@ilovesooty that's harsh , would you say that to a woman?

Well you can't get blood out of a stone if you can't afford half you can't afford half she's bu .

ilovesooty · 06/01/2019 13:21

Oh come on. He's impregnating women with no intention of being a stable everyday part of his children's lives. They're probably not living together so that she can claim as a lone parent. He can't afford half because of the children he already has.

And babymums Yuck.

Amanwithhis4kids · 06/01/2019 13:21

i think you mistake me for one of your failed baby fathers!

I asked for advice on the above. Not on my sex life or how active I am as a father. All of which you know nothing about! 🖕🏼

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 06/01/2019 13:23

Do you pay maintenance for all your children?

steadtler · 06/01/2019 13:23

Of course @ilovesooty wouldn't. Misandry is rampant, though.

The OP is stupid or brave to come here.

You don't need to pay half. That isn't how child support is managed or calculated. You pay all that you can.

steadtler · 06/01/2019 13:24

"impregnating women with no intention of being a stable everyday part of his children's lives."

A rapist?

ilovesooty · 06/01/2019 13:27

That is not what I said. Don't twist my words please.

He admits he doesn't see his children every day.

Amanwithhis4kids · 06/01/2019 13:27

Hi yes. For all of them. And I take them every Monday Wednesday Thursday and every other Friday Saturday Sunday. Easter and Christmas and New Years. I pay for all their clothes and lives at mine. And half towards all school trips and uniforms etc.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/01/2019 13:28

@ilovesooty that's harsh , would you say that to a woman?

I think she probably would...

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 06/01/2019 13:28

Even though I said before my DS was born I couldn’t contribute if she returned to work - but if she wasn't working who was going to pay for food for your child?

FissionChips · 06/01/2019 13:28

I'd suggest more attention to contraception and taking on board that active parenting isn't a part time activity

I completely agree.

elvis86 · 06/01/2019 13:29

That should have been "Before my DS was conceived we spoke and I insisted we move in together. She refused and wanted to live separate until both debts were paid." and "Even though I said before my DS was conceived I couldn’t contribute if she returned to work."

Sorry, but I also can't really get over why you and this woman have had this child when you a) Don't live together (and don't agree on whether you should), and b) Evidently haven't considered childcare etc beforehand?!

FWIW, now I think she just has to accept that you can't afford it. If she's wants you to pay half of the nursery fees then she needs to budge on moving in together.

I'll possibly be flamed for that, but really it sounds like this woman brought this on herself!

Amanwithhis4kids · 06/01/2019 13:30

I came here to speak to other mums who do not have biased opinions. But can give feed back and help me. I am a good father with good beautiful children. And I want to know if I am in the wrong or not. If I am I will find a way.

OP posts:
AlaskanOilBaron · 06/01/2019 13:30

Get yourself a vasectomy ASAP.

Aquilla · 06/01/2019 13:31

*A rapist?

Just when you think the definition of rape is at its most ridiculous...

Sethis · 06/01/2019 13:32

If you're not going to comment on the financial aspect which the OP is seeking advice on, maybe keep your opinions to yourself and scroll on.

Sounds like she's being unreasonable to me to be honest. You only have a limited amount of money per month, and you told her in advance how the finances would look if you both went ahead with your current plans.

Amanwithhis4kids · 06/01/2019 13:33

@WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit
I also offered for her to live with me. And she refused.

OP posts:
elvis86 · 06/01/2019 13:33

What a spectacularly stupid comment, Steadtler.

Amanwithhis4kids · 06/01/2019 13:34

@AlaskanOilBaron. Done it ✅

OP posts:
steadtler · 06/01/2019 13:34

I was being a little obtuse but @ilovesooty is clearly hard of thinking and so biased towards any man that she made it sound as though none of these mothers had free will i.e. rape.

I guess s/he's just 'one of those'

HoomanMoomin · 06/01/2019 13:36

I don’t think you can really do anything. You don’t have that money. If you live separately with separate finances, she should be claiming tax credits and other benefits as a lone parent. That way she would get some childcare top ups.
There’s no other way to deal with it. At least none that I know of.

daisychain01 · 06/01/2019 13:37

Am I in the wrong ? Because honestly I do not know how I would get that extra money month in month out. I don’t have sky or anything like that. I don’t drink(often) or smoke. I do go gym. But one of the cheap ones. Most of my money is spent on my children

And your point is? Do you think a medal is needed?
How do you expect anyone on Mumsnet to wave a magic wand over your hectic existence and solve the problem of you bringing 4 children into the world, and only now waking up to the realisation you don't have enough resource to support them??

I despair.

ExplodingCarrots · 06/01/2019 13:38

Im back on here after another lengthy break but can still see the same sexist bullshit being posted. If this was a woman there would be completely different answers. Shameful

User758172 · 06/01/2019 13:38

I am a father of 4. With 3 baby mums. Not ideal

You can say that again. Yes, you are a bad father. It’s a failure on your part to have all these kids with different mothers. Being a father is not a part-time activity. It’s disgraceful.

As far as the money is concerned, I’ve no idea. This is what happens when you do what you’ve done and not create a stable relationship and a home in which to raise your children.

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