A point of view

[Amanwithhis4kids]

Ok. Here goes.
I am a father of 4. With 3 baby mums. Not ideal, and not how I see things. But that doesn’t make me a bad father. I am very active in my children’s lives. I see them all every week. But not everyday. I am currently with my youngest mum. But we live apart. My place is too far for her and hers is too small for when I have my other children.

We both earn earn well and and the same amount annually.

So the issue is the aged old thing. Money.
As we live apart we have separate everything.
Mortgage bill etc.
Before my DS was born we spoke and I insisted we move in together. She refused and wanted to live separate until both debts were paid. 2.5 years later it’s still like this.
I said at the time. If we do not live together i would not be able to pay half any child care fees£1200pm . Most months I make just enough to cover all my bills (mortgage£1100pm Csa£500, + everything else all essentials etc.) I do pay a towards nursery £260pm My mrs on the other pays the rest. But bare in mind her mortgage is only £500pm.

Right so. She says I need to pay Half. She doesn’t care where the money comes from, it’s not her issue. Even though I said before my DS was born I couldn’t contribute if she returned to work. I have even suggested we put both out wages in a pot. Pay all bills and work our what we have left to live off. And the answer was no. Her finances are not my issue. I just need to pay half.

Am I in the wrong ? Because honestly I do not know how I would get that extra money month in month out. I don’t have sky or anything like that. I don’t drink(often) or smoke. I do go gym. But one of the cheap ones. Most of my money is spent on my children.

Help! If I am bang out of order say so. I’ve asked FF but they can be biased.

R

@Iftheresawilltheresaway

Thank you

@Bluebell878275

And your point is?

I do judge a man who impregnated multiple women to whom he’s made no commitment to.

Seems like she just didn't want to live with you and would just like a sensible contribution to childcare costs.

Must be difficult scheduling in her own personal life & relaxation when she has to take two other mums & your visitation into account. Week in, week out. I know I couldn't be doing with it.

@MrsAriadneOliver - So in your perfect world what is the OP expected to do? He's doing his best in less than an ideal situation - he's fully aware having 4 children with 3 different women isn't great. However it's happened and he's dealing with it. Why bleat on about what he should have done? Either be helpful or be quiet with your holier than thou attitude.

Must be difficult scheduling in her own personal life & relaxation when she has to take two other mums & your visitation into account. Week in, week out. I know I couldn't be doing with it.

She shouldn’t have had a baby with him then. She was forewarned!

@Tiredismymiddlename85

I didn’t realise you were the thread police?

And for the record. I understand how it sounds. 4 kids with 3 different mums. Omg. Who is this guy! Must be a dead beat father. But I cringe when I say it. But my children are amazing and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Without THREE women I wouldn’t have them!

I just needed a bit of advice, with one of them.

R

@MrsAriadneOliver - Hardly, you just come across as a highly unpleasant and narrow minded person. OP asked for advice, not a high handed 'ticking off'.
I will just ignore you, and hopefully the OP will as well.

* without these THREE women.

I just saw your update. So she’s not interested in your older children?

@Tiredismymiddlename85

You do that sweetheart.

There are some absolutely pathetic, ignorant and downright shocking opinions on here, hang your heads in shame you judgemental fools!

OP, perhaps suggest sitting down with your current partner and looking at your finances, individually and compare them. Kind of like an income and expenditure form. Maybe seeing everything in black and white will help her to understand.
Unfortunately if she cannot recognise that you have living costs and 3 other children that you support then she needs to re-evaluate her position in your life. You do not come as a single unit for her and your DS but a joint unit with all 4 of your children, the fact that they are with different people is IRRELEVANT!
You support your DS financially and are there to parent him on your agreed days, beyond that you cannot give her what you don't have and she has no choice but to accept that. If she becomes awkward with you seeing your DS then make your arrangement in terms of seeing him and paying for him a formal one rather than a personal one.

For the record to some of you AWFUL people commenting, I have 3 children with my ex husband. We were married for 20 years, did it the 'right way' and are now divorced. Anyone else that he now meets and either has a family with or she has existing children, will she DEMAND that he pays what he doesn't have because he financially supports his existing children? That is all that matters, not whether or he has all 3 of them with me, his ex-wife or 3 different women!
Most people do not bring life into this world with a view to not being there for them. Get off your high horses.

If this was a woman there would be completely different answers

If a woman repeatedly had children, left them with their fathers and complained she couldn’t afford it? No, there would not be a different answer.

If a woman repeatedly had children then complained she couldn’t afford them? No, there would not be a different answer.

OP, just because people disagree with you, doesn’t make them trolls.

You had multiple children but because you can’t afford to pay for them all the youngest has to lose out? You wouldn’t suggest the other mums uproot themselves and move somewhere cheaper so your costs are lower? You could move somewhere cheaper and reduce your mortgage. But you won’t do that because you think your other children deserve more.

You need to renegotiate with the other mums because it’s not fair that the youngest lose out because you were irresponsible.

@Yabbers it’s not that I was calling people a troll for disagreeing. Just those who felt the need to comment on 3 baby mums. That had nothing to do with my question. If I had wrote three children from a previous relationship would I have had the same comments. The fact that they are From two previous relationships makes no difference at all

If this was a woman there would be completely different answers

That’s not true. There are regularly threads on here where women keep getting pregnant despite not being able to afford or manage the children they have and everyone points out that maybe they should stop and get some decent contraception. I’ve seen it loads of times.

If I were the newest mother, it would be most important to me to maintain financial security in the long term therefore keep living in a property in my own name. And your mortgage is huge. I think you need to move in with her, and find a solution for your other kids sleeping over. They might not get their own rooms but I think that’s a luxury you can’t afford. Sell or let out your property.

@AlaskanOilBaron
It’s not that she’s not interested, is that she wouldn’t seek to spend any time One on one with them like parental figure would.

You’re asking for financial advice, so here is my judgymcjudgepant response.

You said your CSA amount is £500 per month. Assuming this is for the other three children and not your recent addition, this means you are paying (let’s round it up) £170 per child per month or around £5.50 per day. Yet you are spending £260 on your most recent and that’s just nursery fees...

Now I’m not one for thinking all siblings should be treated equally, I believe that help should be forthcoming when needed and that maybe different at different times. However, in true Mumsnet style (where generally the principle is that all are treated equally), I have to ask how you think it is reasonable to spend so much more in the most recent addition and how you think the other children survive on £5.50 per day!

Sorry - this is AIBU and yes I think you are.

she wouldn’t seek to spend any time One on one with them like parental figure would

She’s not a parental figure. She’s nothing to the other kids. Why should she? And why didn’t you figure this out before you had yet another baby?

Your not in the wrong

@Amanwithhis4kids I am so sorry you've been subjected to such harsh roasting. I do not for one minute believe any of it is justified. And I see some of the same names popping up from other posts 🙄

OK, it's not ideal. But I've known women have up to seven children with six fathers. I don't see how that is any different. One woman had one ex and a current who was in prison, she had 12 kids. Another couldn't cope but continued to have 8, despite several being severely autistic.

I know what I think is bad parenting.

Obviously we only have your side of things here, not your exes or your current partner's. But on paper or sounds like you are doing the best thing you can for your children in these circumstances. It's so much more than either of my exes have done for my kids. I don't receive maintenance, one can't see one kid because of domestic violence, and the other seems to have forgotten the other kid exists and just sends them the odd text.

It sounds like your partner isn't interested in living with you because then she would have to see your other children too. If she sees you as a family of three with three on the side, that suggests to me that she isn't accepting of your other children. I knew a lad whose father went on to have two kids with a new partner, and the new partner hated the son because he was a reminder of before she was on the scene. Sad isn't it.

I'm glad you're moving closer to her. But have you asked her what she really, really wants? Are you sure she wants you and not just your money?

I'm also guessing your son was a happy accident otherwise it might have all been planned better. But one of mine was planned and that was the relationship I still have PTSD nightmares and flashbacks to, it was awful compared to the first one which wasn't planned.

I hope you find a solution. I think your partner is being unreasonable. And is that seriously how much a full weeks childcare costs these days? Maaaaaan.

OK, it's not ideal. But I've known women have up to seven children with six fathers. I don't see how that is any different. One woman had one ex and a current who was in prison, she had 12 kids. Another couldn't cope but continued to have 8, despite several being severely autistic.

None of this matters.

The usual bollocks double standards alive and well on this thread.

That’s not true. There are regularly threads on here where women keep getting pregnant despite not being able to afford or manage the children they have and everyone points out that maybe they should stop and get some decent contraception.

Yes.... and those who make comments to this effect are then given an absolute shoeing