A point of view

[Amanwithhis4kids]

Ok. Here goes.
I am a father of 4. With 3 baby mums. Not ideal, and not how I see things. But that doesn’t make me a bad father. I am very active in my children’s lives. I see them all every week. But not everyday. I am currently with my youngest mum. But we live apart. My place is too far for her and hers is too small for when I have my other children.

We both earn earn well and and the same amount annually.

So the issue is the aged old thing. Money.
As we live apart we have separate everything.
Mortgage bill etc.
Before my DS was born we spoke and I insisted we move in together. She refused and wanted to live separate until both debts were paid. 2.5 years later it’s still like this.
I said at the time. If we do not live together i would not be able to pay half any child care fees£1200pm . Most months I make just enough to cover all my bills (mortgage£1100pm Csa£500, + everything else all essentials etc.) I do pay a towards nursery £260pm My mrs on the other pays the rest. But bare in mind her mortgage is only £500pm.

Right so. She says I need to pay Half. She doesn’t care where the money comes from, it’s not her issue. Even though I said before my DS was born I couldn’t contribute if she returned to work. I have even suggested we put both out wages in a pot. Pay all bills and work our what we have left to live off. And the answer was no. Her finances are not my issue. I just need to pay half.

Am I in the wrong ? Because honestly I do not know how I would get that extra money month in month out. I don’t have sky or anything like that. I don’t drink(often) or smoke. I do go gym. But one of the cheap ones. Most of my money is spent on my children.

Help! If I am bang out of order say so. I’ve asked FF but they can be biased.

R

I think she's letting you know that you're good fun, but your baggage sadly tips the balance and she'd rather be without your other kids.

She needs to manage with the money you can afford, though.

I can’t believe some of these reply’s, he’s had children with three different women, he works, supports and sees his kids and you are giving him grief for his lifestyle choices, many mums on here have children by different men, on second marriages and don’t work and they don’t get anywhere near the amount of venom! It takes two to make a baby, it’s not only the mans responsibility oh and for those saying he can’t father correctly not seeing his kids everyday I imagine you would say the same to the thousands of mothers on here who don’t have their kids when they are with their father, hypocrites the lot of you !!! Shame !!

I don't really have anything to say about your current situation but I did want say my ex has 5 kids by 4 different mums he sees none of them and pays for none of them, whenever csa catch up with him he quits his job. He is the biggest deadbeat I know, so we'll done in maintaining a relationship with your children and paying towards their upbringing I think it says a lot about you as a person

Very harsh sexist responses here OP. I think you can't pay what you haven't got but it sounds like a full and open conversation or series of them needs to be had. About money - show her your income and your monthly outgoings and see if you can work out an affordable compromise. Also discuss more honestly your plans for the future, living together (or not) and your need to continue to be a good father to your other children. If I were her I wouldn't respect you if you didn't pay for and spend time with your other children.

To other posters some of you sound like the DM on a bad day! I think the view that you can't be a good parent if you're part time is nasty, judgey crap. Throwback to the 50s. How lucky you smug marrieds are to be with your kids 24/7 - that's simply not true for the many of us out here - both men and women - who still love and care for our children after divorce but share them our XP. Because that's the right thing to do.

Life doesn't always work out how we want it to. There's plenty of miserable children in families with parents in committed relationships! We can't change the past only the present and future. I think it sounds like you are trying your best OP! You are working long hours and have custody of your children when you can which is more than a lot of fathers out there. The mother of your youngest sounds like she wants the benefit of a live in father r/t financial contributions without you living together! She can't have her child treated like an only child when he has three other siblings. I don't see a way forward with her unless she makes some compromises.

And although he doesn’t have a time machine, I disagree that you can be a great dad on a part-time basis

So what about parents that share 50/50..both are part time..are they not automatically great parents? My husband is a great dad..I know his daughter would agree..it's less than 50% but it's really upsetting that someone would think that of him because of that.

Just those who felt the need to comment on 3 baby mums. That had nothing to do with my question. If I had wrote three children from a previous relationship would I have had the same comments. The fact that they are From two previous relationships makes no difference at all

@Amanwithhis4kids if it's irrelevant you wouldn't have mentioned it.

It is actually relevant though. It shows a patten of irresponsibility and yet you are vying here for father of the year, which you clearly aren't if you are willing to have your youngest child lose out in favour of your older ones.

@Amanwithhis4kids

It's also relevant because the separate maintenance agreements for your older children are far more expensive than if you were maintaining 3 children with one mother.

Does she not want to live together for benefit reasons? You don’t have to pay half for her life, if you have the kids and pay for them then that’s it. If you went via CSA and are already paying for other children then she wouldn’t be getting very much at all.

Loving the condescending comments about having 4 kids by different mums, because everyone on here is perfect ?!

It seems to me, OP, you have blinkers on about her. You obviously see her as your partner but she really isn't. She wants maximum financial benefit from being your "partner" but doesn't want to move the relationship to that level, ever by the sound of it. If you concede to her demands, even if you can afford it, you are being a fool to yourself and unfair to your other children.

You need to have an honest conversation with about what she wants. From the sound of it you both actively tried for the the 4th child. She knew before the child that you were a father of 3. The other 3 don’t just disappear because you’ve had another one. You need to explain this to her.

I know nothing about CSA but personally I would be going down the official route with payments. She doesn’t want to live with you or gives a fuck about your other children. It’s not going to work unless she accepts that they are a huge part of your life. If this was a woman writing this and saying everything you have written about her we would all be telling you to leave him!

She should never of got in a relationship with a father of 3 if she didn’t want the children in her life. Her attitude is disgusting.

Re the double standards. Yes having 4 kids with 3 mums is not ideal. But it is far more lucrative, in fact positive financial planning, to have 4 kids by 3 dads. Just saying.