A point of view

[Amanwithhis4kids]

Ok. Here goes.
I am a father of 4. With 3 baby mums. Not ideal, and not how I see things. But that doesn’t make me a bad father. I am very active in my children’s lives. I see them all every week. But not everyday. I am currently with my youngest mum. But we live apart. My place is too far for her and hers is too small for when I have my other children.

We both earn earn well and and the same amount annually.

So the issue is the aged old thing. Money.
As we live apart we have separate everything.
Mortgage bill etc.
Before my DS was born we spoke and I insisted we move in together. She refused and wanted to live separate until both debts were paid. 2.5 years later it’s still like this.
I said at the time. If we do not live together i would not be able to pay half any child care fees£1200pm . Most months I make just enough to cover all my bills (mortgage£1100pm Csa£500, + everything else all essentials etc.) I do pay a towards nursery £260pm My mrs on the other pays the rest. But bare in mind her mortgage is only £500pm.

Right so. She says I need to pay Half. She doesn’t care where the money comes from, it’s not her issue. Even though I said before my DS was born I couldn’t contribute if she returned to work. I have even suggested we put both out wages in a pot. Pay all bills and work our what we have left to live off. And the answer was no. Her finances are not my issue. I just need to pay half.

Am I in the wrong ? Because honestly I do not know how I would get that extra money month in month out. I don’t have sky or anything like that. I don’t drink(often) or smoke. I do go gym. But one of the cheap ones. Most of my money is spent on my children.

Help! If I am bang out of order say so. I’ve asked FF but they can be biased.

R

@ilovesooty
I don’t see them everyday. Because I work long days. Starting 4am and on call 24 hour shift (6 days of) 12 days on, 2 off (when I have my children)

I see how she's changed her position mid-course, OP, but honestly, this situation was not great from the outset.

Why didn't you move into a place that is big enough for everyone before you had the baby? Am I correct in thinking she's gone back to work of her own accord, which was a change of plan?

.

She’s being unreasonable and I suspect if she went down to the route of seeking formal child maintainence, she would be in for a shock at how little she would get.

What HoomanMoomin said. And make absolutely sure you don't have any more children because after four you've probably figured out what's causing it.

ilovesooty - He admits he doesn't see his children every day

Yeah, neither do the mothers

You sound like a nice guy, OP, but you've really landed yourself in a pickle. Surely you could have seen this coming?

It is not OK to have 4 children with 3 different mothers.

I wouldn't say you are being unreasonable.
Going from what you've said you are making contributions to pay for all your kids. Yes you have kids with different mother's but it takes 2 to tango.
Does your partner perhaps not want to move in together as she doesn't want to share her home with your other kids?
Something is amiss as she seems to want it all her own way as in the relationship, her own job and money, her own home, your contributions.
I think you need to ask her what her plans are for the future because it looks as though she doesn't really want you to be honest.

*You can say that again. Yes, you are a bad father. It’s a failure on your part to have all these kids with different mothers. Being a father is not a part-time activity. It’s disgraceful"

Are the mothers failure's too? Is contraception just a man's responsibility?

No the mothers don't because they have to accommodate his timetable fitting all his children in.

@MrsAriadneOliver

How dare you. You have no idea, as to why these relationships broke down. Or as to why I am where I am now. All that does matter, is I that I am there for them and there to support them through their lives.

@Amanwithhis4kids

Yes, I dare. You posted so were inviting people’s opinions. I’m giving you mine.

The reasons behind your relationship failures don’t matter. It’s a faliure to have multiple children with consecutive women. As to why women keep having children with you, I can’t say, but it doesn’t excuse you.

@Bluebell878275

Nope. If the mothers of these children were to post here, I would tell them the same. I’m equal in my criticism.

@Iftheresawilltheresaway
Tbh I think you are right. That was always unspoken but it’s always a bit too much when all together. And she is all focused on on DS rather than all as a family unit.

I am currently selling to but a bigger house closer. I was me pushing for a close family unit. A home for us all. But that doesn’t seem in her plans. She sees us as a 3 with 3 on the side rather than a family of 6

@MrsAriadneOliver - whilst I disagree with the OP's lifestyle choices, there's nothing to suggest that he's a bad father to his kids. It sounds like he takes a hell of a lot more responsibility than a lot of fathers do.

What is the custody arrangement with the children? Has anything been formally agreed? Do you go through the CSA?
If it's all based on loose arrangements then I think you need to formalise it. I'm not 100% sure how this all works but if you have shared custody then she's not entitled to half as you pay for the children whilst they're in your care. You may need to pay some if you are a high earner.

No the mothers don't because they have to accommodate his timetable fitting all his children in

Err, no, it's because they share the child so both parents spend time with them. Even if he had one child with one ex the mother wouldn't see the child every day. Nothing to do with a time-stamp and other children.

I'd suggest more attention to contraception and taking on board that active parenting isn't a part time activity

I agree.

time-stamp lol, should be time-table.

Also OP's lifestyle choices aren't for you to judge or be so sanctimonious about. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, i'm sure he would prefer to just be one stable family unit.
There are a lot of manipulative women out there so the OP needs to make sure he's not being screwed over with unreasonable demands.

Nope. If the mothers of these children were to post here, I would tell them the same. I’m equal in my criticism

Then you are equally judgemental and sanctimonious.

Then you need to ask her asap. You come as a package as you have other kids to consider and the kids are the priority. You're being fair by contributing to them all and doing what you can financially and emotionally which is more than some fathers and in some cases mother's do. I agree with another poster who said she would get a shock if she had to claim maintenance via another way at how little she would get.
Find out what she wants and take from there as time goes in the blink of an eye and life is too precious to waste.

@elvis86

I’m sure he’s a good dad while they’re around, but my point is that it’s not good enough. This situation simply shouldn’t have arisen. The women themselves are another matter - but he has no business having consecutive children with women he doesn’t care for or live with. And “I am a father of 4. With 3 baby mums. Not ideal” is underestimating it.

And although he doesn’t have a time machine, I disagree that you can be a great dad on a part-time basis.

Hi op, other than what you've suggested there's isn't much else you can do other than to sell and move closer and hopefully save on the mortgage. Why is she so unwilling to move in together or even have a joint house?
Could she not rent her house out and then maybe you buy one closer so that way she still has her asset and bills are halved in the house, as the tenants will be paying the bills in hers.
FWIW it's not an ideal situation and i think someone else mentioned up post that there are plenty of other woman that have children with multiple partners and you do have your children for half of the time so i don't get the anger directed at you to be honest.