To send child home from play date....

[ss2011]

My son had a friend around to play yesterday and I ended up ringing the Mum and asking her to pick up her son because he had written rude words in felt tip on the wall in my daughters room and the same all over her pillow...... I was pretty cross when I saw it but managed not to shout, though did speak very sternly to my son and to his friend about how unnacceptable and upsetting this was and then told his friend that he would have to go straight home. I tried to make it clear I was just as cross with my son (who did say he tried to stop his friend but he clearly did not try that hard...), but I also did tell the other Mum that it was definitely her son’s writing (which it was). Have been feeling guilty since that I overreacted....I still think it’s very bad behaviour (the writing won’t come off...), especially as I had told them not to go into my daughters room but to play in my son’s room, but I was having a cup of tea downstairs and not watching them when it happened, and I forgot at the time that my son’s friend is young for his year (9 months younger than my DS) so is still only 5. Plus the other Mum was on her own with her two boys yesterday and I am sure would have appreciated the break , which I ended up cutting really short....I really like her and she has done my childcare favours in the past too , so am feeling bad about this.....
What would you have done? and also, how would you try and make sure your son was a bit more forceful in stopping something like this in the future ...it really upsets me that he let his friend do this to his sister and it worries me that if his friend was being unkind to someone at school (for example) that he might just join in and not try and stop that either. I know I am loading a lot on him for a six year old, but really want to think he would take some responsibility......

I can totally understand why you were so upset and cross, but....
Only 5? I’m not sure how they were unsupervised for so long to have got hold of the pens and done the damage?

When we have play dates I’m perhaps over cautious as I know what my DC is capable of but not always what the other child is!

What did he write?

YWNBU at all! How did the mum react?

I think your reaction was perfectly normal I'd have done the same. They need to know they have done wrong, you didn't fly off the handle. They are very young and things like this will happen occasionally they just need to know it's wrong so it doesn't happen again.

How can you tell what a 5yo's handwriting is like at that age? They can hardly write anything at all at that age! (Not the point, I know!) And you're putting a bit too much responsibility on your 5yo son if you expect him to control his friend. You were probably overreacting a bit, TBH. Maybe you should have been keeping an eye on them?

Yanbu at all.

My ds is only five, and only just five, but knows full well that it's not acceptable to write on walls or pillows with felt tip pens, especially in other people's houses, in rooms they have specifically been told to stay out of.

Five is old enough to understand instructions.

Play date friend was very naughty and you were right to send him home.

If mine had been sent home from a playdate for that reason at that age I would be having a serious conversation with him too.

Understandable at three maybe but not five.

I think you did well to call her actually. Consequences to his actions, for both of them - sometimes a parent needs that as much as the child, to have the seriousness of it impressed upon them. He flagranty disobeyed you, and did damage to your house in the process.

I certainly wouldn’t have that child round again either.

Regarding your son, at 6 I think it would be very, very unfair of you to expect him to take responsibility for stopping the other child. Did he come and tell you, or did you discover what had happened yourself? I think you could tell him that if he sees his friend breaking the rules so badly, he needs to tell a grown up immediately so the grown up can sort it out.

If you want him to take responsibility for his part in it, sanction him somehow - loss of privileges or whatever method you usually need. He made the wrong choice too, that has consequences.

He's five. He can't control his friends. That's one of the things he'll learn as he grows, to make his own choices. He can tell his friend to stop but you can't hold him accountable.
I think you were harsh.

I think your reaction was perfectly appropriate. Mine is 5 and in Year 1 and she absolutely knows that writing on walls and furniture is very wrong, supervised or not. I hope this mum has offered to pay to re-paint the wall and replace the pillow!

A five year old knows very well indeed that writing rude words on a wall is very naughty indeed. Sending him home was the only possible reaction. Interested to know how his mother responded?

I think you handled it really well.

YANBU.

I’d expect a two year old to scribble on a wall but a 5 year old? Absolutely not.

And to the pp who suggested you should have been supervising them....at 5 I would expect two children to be able to play in a bedroom with toys and not deface walls and furnishings.

Don’t worry OP. You were not wrong to react the way you did. Of course five and six year olds know full well that you don’t write or draw on walls! I’m sure the other mum would have reacted in the same way. Just text her later and say no hard feelings at all, but you couldn’t help being shocked when you saw what had happened. Children do egg each other on but hopefully they’ll think twice next time.

I think what you did was right; at 5 they know full well that doing that isn’t accceptable.

Maybe you should have been keeping an eye on them?

I love that this is your fault OP. I've not supervised a playdate since DD started school. I stay with my younger DC and DD takes her friends to her room. Surely by 5 they know not to draw on walls and pillows?!

He knows how to spell and write rude words at the age of five?

Yanbu and of course any NT 5yo knows it's extremely naughty to write on walls. I wouldn't blame your son too much as it wasn't his actions.
How did the mum react? I'd have been mortified.

What was the word??

I am surprised a five year old knows how to write bad words!!!

I am sure his mum was mortified!

You did the right thing.
However, I would be worried that the other mum may be upset as she must be feeling mortified. I know I would be if my five year old did this at someone else's house.

These two are 5 and 6 and in year 1 I gather? Similar age to my ds and his friends. So I think ywnbu and I would have done similar. They do tend to get over excited and show off at that age but should know that this was a very naughty thing to do.
Has the mum been in touch with you? Do you sense that she is angry with you?
If I was in her shoes I would definitely be offering to pay to have it put right.

"Surely by 5 they know not to draw on walls and pillows?!"

Obviously not!

Kids that are usually sensible can get silly & talked into stuff.

I would be most cross that they decided to ruin the daughter's room.

Do you think that your son might have been asking you to stop his friend sooner if it was his own room/stuff being written on?

What did the friend's mum have to say? My DD2 (6) has been having play dates regularly since she started school. I would have been mortified if she'd done that at a friend's house. And I haven't had a friend do that here either.

They shouldn't have gone into his sister's room in the first place, that was naughty as well. I would have been annoyed about that as well if I'd been in your shoes.

YWNBU to ask his mum to pick him up.

Only 5? I’m not sure how they were unsupervised for so long to have got hold of the pens and done the damage?

They're not toddlers; at 5 they're either in Reception or Year 1. Perfectly old enough to know not to go into a room that they've been told to keep out of let alone write on walls and pillows. As for needing time to "get hold of pens", surely most children have pens and paper in their rooms in case they want to do some drawing or writing.

I agree with those who have said that you can't expect your son to be responsible for his friend's behaviour (he's old enough to ask his friend not to do something, but can't enforce it). Other than that I think you've reacted completely appropriately. Having to go home sounds a very suitable consequence for doing something naughty.

I think your reaction was the right one. In year 1, they know writing on walls/beds etc is wrong plus you said not to be in that room. They might not resist the naughty idea but they know really! The only way you can teach your ds this is through a punishment which you did relatively calmly.
How did your ds take his friend going home early? Have you discussed it again today and emphasised the key message about listening to your rules and speaking up if friends are naughty?

I don't necessarily think he will link the writing as the same as being directly meab towards your daughter by the way. I think 5yo boys are more direct than that. I also don't necessarily think it means he would definitely join in a face to face act of bullying behaviour etc which seemed to be a worry of yours.

I think it was fine to curtail early.

My top tip to all parents; all art and crafts are kept downstairs including pens and pencils and only buy crayons washable felt tips until the end of primary school.

Alas even these said felt tips don't come off cotton canvas dining chairs said child was just 4 and couldn't resist the texture experiment thankfully they were old chairs and a small patch!