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AIBU?

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Original poster

To send child home from play date....

123 replies

ss2011 · 06/01/2019 09:39

My son had a friend around to play yesterday and I ended up ringing the Mum and asking her to pick up her son because he had written rude words in felt tip on the wall in my daughters room and the same all over her pillow...... I was pretty cross when I saw it but managed not to shout, though did speak very sternly to my son and to his friend about how unnacceptable and upsetting this was and then told his friend that he would have to go straight home. I tried to make it clear I was just as cross with my son (who did say he tried to stop his friend but he clearly did not try that hard...), but I also did tell the other Mum that it was definitely her son’s writing (which it was). Have been feeling guilty since that I overreacted....I still think it’s very bad behaviour (the writing won’t come off...), especially as I had told them not to go into my daughters room but to play in my son’s room, but I was having a cup of tea downstairs and not watching them when it happened, and I forgot at the time that my son’s friend is young for his year (9 months younger than my DS) so is still only 5. Plus the other Mum was on her own with her two boys yesterday and I am sure would have appreciated the break , which I ended up cutting really short....I really like her and she has done my childcare favours in the past too , so am feeling bad about this.....
What would you have done? and also, how would you try and make sure your son was a bit more forceful in stopping something like this in the future ...it really upsets me that he let his friend do this to his sister and it worries me that if his friend was being unkind to someone at school (for example) that he might just join in and not try and stop that either. I know I am loading a lot on him for a six year old, but really want to think he would take some responsibility......

OP posts:
WofflingOn · 06/01/2019 10:05

If the children are in Y1, of course they should be able to write short sentences with phonetic spellings, it’s a NC expectation.
Writing with felt tip in inappropriate places is also something you’d expect a 5+ not to do. I’d expect the non-vandal to yell loudly for an adult, at least go and find one.
Sending him home was a reasonable response, but OP, you should have supervised them more closely.

AhhhHereItGoes · 06/01/2019 10:06

Perfectly reasonable response.

DD1 who is 5 has done this a few times at our house and it's not been acceptable. If she did it at someone else's I'd be mortified and temporarily stop play dates.

I'd not constantly supervise 5/6 year olds but check in every 5/10 mins to check there is no chaos.

SoupDragon · 06/01/2019 10:06

I am surprised a five year old knows how to write bad words!!!

If they can say bad words they can make a damn good effort at spelling them phonetically. DS1 was particularly bad at parroting back rude words from an early age.

BrownCowStunning · 06/01/2019 10:07

YWNBU. You can be sure he won't do anything like thay again! Kids need to learn that their actions have consequences, and that can be hard to when the child isn't your own, but I think you handled it the best way anyone could

BertrandRussell · 06/01/2019 10:07

Not relevant, but my ds wrote “Urs” “btm” and “wnkl” on the kitchen wall when he was 5. I was so proud......

OP- I think I would be most cross about them going into you dd’s room- that would be a serious matter in this family. Writing on the wall can be an impulse thing- naughty, but it happens. I probably wouldn’t have sent him home, but I would definitely have kept them under my eye for the rest of the visit, and told his mum at pick up. And talk to your son about when it’s right to tell on a friend - if he couldn’t stop him, he should have come and got you.

billybagpuss · 06/01/2019 10:08

Have you tried jif on the walls? (Missing the point somewhat)

Dollymixture22 · 06/01/2019 10:08

Soup dragon ha ha okay! I am also probably imagining a much worse word that was actually written.

Still bad behaviour. Little rascal needs some tim on the naughty step.

Ethel36 · 06/01/2019 10:09

Yes I think you did the right thing. If your child did this exact same thing at someone else's house. Would you want them to end the playdate too?

fruitbrewhaha · 06/01/2019 10:10

I think you have handled it perfectly. You shouldn't have to supervise kids in yr 1. He totally knew it was naughty, hence the rude word too.

The boys have been shown a consequence. If you cant play nicely together and behave, you don't get to play together.

Don't feel bad for the other mother losing the time off. I would be glad my child was told off and sent home if she behaved like this.

And what did he write? I need to know too

noenergy · 06/01/2019 10:10

@billybagpuss I was going to suggest that.

What was the mums reaction to his behaviour?

rainbowstardrops · 06/01/2019 10:12

I'm intrigued to know what he wrote! Was it BUM?!!!! Grin
Seriously though, that's pretty awful behaviour and I don't blame you for ringing his mum.
What was her reaction?

ThisHasReallyPIssedMeOff · 06/01/2019 10:14

Of course you did the right thing.

I've brought up two children, one to adulthood and the number of times I've had to speak to either of them or their friends about deliberately writing/drawing on the walls, furniture, soft furnishings is precisely zero.

Yes children have accidents and make mistakes but this was neither of those things.

And they will have both known it was wrong. They both go to school and similar rules will be enforced there.

I'd have done the same.

BrokenWing · 06/01/2019 10:14

Absolutely fine to send straight home as a consequence and any decent mum will be completely on board with that.

As for your ds, a suitable consequence for colluding with its friend is appropriate and going forward reinforcing being kind, having your own mind and own accountabilities. I repeat to ds now and again "if you lay with dogs you'll get fleas", meaning if you get involved in an incident like that even as a standerby you'll will be tarred with the same brush.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/01/2019 10:14

You did the right thing.

Did they both apologise to your DD before he left?

trilbydoll · 06/01/2019 10:15

They're not closely supervised 100% of the time at school so I don't think you need to follow them around on a play date. Your son couldn't have stopped him I suspect but he could have come to get you.

Sending him home early was probably the most effective punishment you could have come up with, he won't do it again in your house!

minisoksmakehardwork · 06/01/2019 10:15

Op you absolutely did the right thing in sending the other child home. You have them both a clear instruction not to go in that room and they knowingly broke it.

I can understand your frustration with your son as I would have expected him to have come to you and said something if his friend was breaking your rules. So accept that he may have had more to do with the writing than he is letting on - even if it's only agreeing with what was written or providing the pen.

I have banned pens from my own children's bedroom because of writing on walls and bed clothes. Anyone found breaking that rule has a further consequence added.

Moving on, yes, absolutely encourage your son to come to you when visitors are breaking your house rules. If he's not had many friends over, it's a learning curve for both of you. You may eventually get fed up of all the tell-tales for things that don't bother you, but it's easier to nip further misbehaviour in the bud the earlier you know about it.

I also wouldn't worry so much about leaving the children 'unsupervised'. The whole point of friends coming round is not to prove how much of a supermum you are with organised activities and wholesome snacks but for the children to play together and entertain themselves. At least in the circles my children's friends come from. We may provide one activity for the moment they suddenly become bored with everything else in the house, but it's not usually anything more complicated than Poundland craft kits for glueing or colouring.

Ultimately, it's a learning curve for everyone. Hopefully your friend isn't mad at you but realises you have boundaries which you will enforce no matter. Your son will respect your house rule as he knows you will send friends home and the other child knows that as well.

As for knowing handwriting, it is perfectly possible to have a 5 year old with legible handwriting. Privately (depending on what was written) I would be mindful of it for future visits. My own kids idea of rude words was writing 'fat' on their siblings bedroom wall. Rudely meant, but not swearing. If they were stronger terms then I would be having a chat with the parents about unacceptable use of language.

The writing will come off the wall with a magic eraser. If you are lucky and depending on the pens used, a good scrub with stain removal soap before washing will get most of the pen out of the bed clothes and hopefully the rest will come out in the wash. I'm currently washing biro out of fitted sheets after a literary outpouring!!!!

WhoTookTheChristmasCookie · 06/01/2019 10:15

YWNBU at all.

My DD is 3 and knows that drawing on walls/furniture is wrong - she would never do it.
Nor would she wander into a room she'd been told to stay out of.

I don't think your son can be held responsible for his friends actions though. He's only 5, there are only so many ways a 5 year old can express to someone else not to do something. If his friend didn't want to listen then there wasn't anything else he could do really (apart from coming to you.)

I think you handled it really well. Actions have consequences and you put that in place.

winsinbin · 06/01/2019 10:16

You did the right thing. Try a magic sponge to clean the wall.

MoreCheeseDear · 06/01/2019 10:18

He's plenty old enough to know what he did was wrong. I'd have yelled a both of them.

wizzler · 06/01/2019 10:20

I think you handled it perfectly. How did his mum react ?

Jackshouse · 06/01/2019 10:20

I would be very surprised and disappointed if my 2.5 yr old was writing on walls. She has free accesses to pens.

As I parent I would want to know and I think you have done the right thing.

WhipItGood · 06/01/2019 10:22

Yes agree with ThisHasReallyPissedMeOff School would have reacted similarly. He’d have been in big trouble and the mum would be informed.

You handled it very well OP.

Btw those Stain devils are worth a try at getting pen off the pillow.

formerbabe · 06/01/2019 10:25

I think your response was reasonable until I read that the mum does childcare favours for you...for that reason, I'd have probably continued with the play date and told her at pick up instead.

ThisHasReallyPIssedMeOff · 06/01/2019 10:26

I understand your reasoning for that, formerbabe but I think the children needed to be sent a clear message.

Hopefully, the other mum would have understood that.

swingofthings · 06/01/2019 10:27

You did the right thing but then depends how you brought to the attention of the mum. If you called her and said both boys had been naughty and as such, you didn't want to reward bad behaviour by continuing the play date, then fine. If you however made a big deal of it, implying that it was her boy who had let yours to acting naughty and that you just didn't want him in your house, then that would be overreacting.