To send child home from play date....

[ss2011]

My son had a friend around to play yesterday and I ended up ringing the Mum and asking her to pick up her son because he had written rude words in felt tip on the wall in my daughters room and the same all over her pillow...... I was pretty cross when I saw it but managed not to shout, though did speak very sternly to my son and to his friend about how unnacceptable and upsetting this was and then told his friend that he would have to go straight home. I tried to make it clear I was just as cross with my son (who did say he tried to stop his friend but he clearly did not try that hard...), but I also did tell the other Mum that it was definitely her son’s writing (which it was). Have been feeling guilty since that I overreacted....I still think it’s very bad behaviour (the writing won’t come off...), especially as I had told them not to go into my daughters room but to play in my son’s room, but I was having a cup of tea downstairs and not watching them when it happened, and I forgot at the time that my son’s friend is young for his year (9 months younger than my DS) so is still only 5. Plus the other Mum was on her own with her two boys yesterday and I am sure would have appreciated the break , which I ended up cutting really short....I really like her and she has done my childcare favours in the past too , so am feeling bad about this.....
What would you have done? and also, how would you try and make sure your son was a bit more forceful in stopping something like this in the future ...it really upsets me that he let his friend do this to his sister and it worries me that if his friend was being unkind to someone at school (for example) that he might just join in and not try and stop that either. I know I am loading a lot on him for a six year old, but really want to think he would take some responsibility......

Off topic a bit but try the magic eraser on the walls. It got felt off my dds furniture when she tried to redecorate!

And talk to your son about when it’s right to tell on a friend - if he couldn’t stop him, he should have come and got you.

This. Children do find it hard to 'tell tales' on each other; they get told, 'If you tell I won't be your best friend anymore.'

No one ever says to the teacher, "well they're 5/6 what do you expect? You should have been supervising them more closely."

I think you'll find they do!!!

I probably wouldn’t have sent him home, would have said something like you’ll both have to stay where I can see you from now on and I’d have told the mum at pick up but I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.

My 5 year old had a friend from her Y1 class over the other day and they played in DD’s bedroom for a while unsupervised (I was sat downstairs). Neither of them drew on the walls, and nor would I expect them to. I think you did exactly the right thing.

This is why I hated play dates when my eldest was younger. He couldn't control his friends and whilst we never had graffiti some of his friends would come in and swipe all of the toys off the shelves in one swoop. There was many a time when I would be sat on the floor in tears after the children had gone home My mum used to ask me why I agreed to play dates in the first place as when I was growing up it wasn't a "thing".

Second time around and I've learnt my lesson, we don't do play dates. I'm working full time so have a ready made excuse. My younger ds doesn't seem harmed by the lack of play dates. He is very sociable and gets invited to lots of parties etc.

I think your response was measured OP, but people are still sensitive about their kids. She may well think your son egged him on.
One of mine got sent home from a playdate once (aged about 6) for spilling a glass of milk.
He was crying and the Mum was like a raging bull when she dropped him off and demanded that I should pay for her carpet to be cleaned.
I looked after her 2 children 2 eves a week after school (including cooking their dinner) and drove them to school every day for 2 years prior to that. All completely free.
I just stopped after her outburst.

I think I would have done the same.

He might not be able to control his friend but did he come and tell you as soon as his friend started doing it, or was he there egging him on ?

@Serin - wow! I don't blame you for stopping all favours over something as normal as spilt milk!

Bloody hell you weren't harsh, you were exactly right.

I must say I've never had a problem like this, but I treat other people's kids as my own when they are in my care without their parents, whether that is praising and joking with them and looking after them if they are hurt or sad, or setting boundaries and telling them off. My kids also know very well that if their friends are too naughty they won't be invited back.

I often have 6 or 7 kids in the house and don't hover over them - hovering stopped at age 4 or so. They always behave more or less. We've been having playdates for a good ten years non stop...

I am an ex teacher and now have a job which means I am on my own in charge of 14 adults with learning difficulties, so maybe that's why "playdates" don't seem especially hard. Be strictish from the start and "playdates" don't have to be a hassle.

Obviously don't invite remorseless naughty kids with shameless parents back! They've always existed - I remember my sister having a friend like that 40 years ago!

It may also be that kids vary from place to place. I live in Germany and reading MN I often wonder whether kids are better behaved here than in the UK!

I think you have handled it perfectly. You shouldn't have to supervise kids in yr 1

I also think you handled it perfectly but I don't agree that you shouldn't have to supervise children in yr1.

Children are silly, impulsive and unpredictable because they are children. Even more so when they are together and egg each other on. Neither child probably would have done such a thing if they were alone, but together is different. Even teens and adults do things impulsively together that they wouldn't do alone sometimes.

Your expectations were a bit high that's all. They have been punished, move on and next time you will be more aware of the mischief they can get up to together and be more prepared for it.

You did the right thing. Children of that age should know not to write on walls and furniture. It would not be acceptable at school.

I've always let my kids be unsupervised for 10 - 15 minute chunks on playdates at all (post school) ages. In fact I find it weird when they come back from playdates and have done 'baking with X's mum and then x's dad helped us do this craft etc etc' I think playdates are for them to run off and play!

In your case, OP, they absolutely knew it was the wrong thing to do, and a very naughty thing that will continue to affect your daughter for some time, and so I think you did the right thing. Kids lie though so her son will probably say your son did it and the mum may feel you've been harsh to her kid.

I'd tell her you've calmed down a bit now and that you are sorry if you cut her time short but felt that they (they, not him) needed a quick lesson. Ending the play date was the only thing you could think of but you know they were just being silly together and hopefully will now know to not do it again. I'd text her now though, not in the playground.

My boys constantly call each other poo bums etc. They find it hilarious

By the way how much does the other mum help you with childcare? I know you said she’s helped in the past. Do you think you might need her help again?

"A very naughty thing that will continue to affect your daughter for some time"

Really?! I'm sure she's fine

Of course 5&6 year olds shouldn't need constant supervision.

I'd have been furious about this and would definitely have sent home. I don't think it was the son's responsibility to control his friend but he should have come and told mum immediately.

If a child in year 1 wrote "Chloe is a poo head" on the classroom wall they would be in BIG trouble.

A newly decorated bedroom and marker that won't come off, I am very impressed with your reaction, I'd still be roaring like a fishwife today half joking

Op wasn't unkind and didn't punish. She simply said to the children that what they done was unacceptable and meant the play date had to end. She didn't make a big scene with the child or mother. Her reaction was reasonable and very controlled and she explained everything to the child and mother.

Regarding the other mother.....yes, if course it's a bit awkward. It's hard to tell if other mother is cross with child, with parent, or embarrassed or what really. The other mother might be someone who glosses over and excuses any action of her child, or who has clear boundaries....we don't know, although the fact the boy did this might suggest he can get away with it at home...but we don't actually know. I think Op handled other mother well too. Now the might be a need for a bit of bridge building.....but it's not a question of apologising or making it into a big thing. Simply being friendly and moving forward should be enough to keep this friendship on track. Engaging in big analysis of what happened probably isn't helpful, unless other mother wants to talk further about it. It's possible that she feels her son was hard done by and her son has told a rather different versionof events to a parent who thinks he is a little angel...but if that's the case, there's not a lot you can do, and if it creates a rift in the adult friendship, that doesn't mean what OP did was wrong.

Op I ink you can have confidence that your finding the behaviour unacceptable was reasonable as was the way you handled the children and other mother. It's one of those things that happens sometimes and you have to do the thing that seems right, own it and move on. Don't dwell on it too much or stretch the issue out with your own child or the other family.

I also think you handled it perfectly but I don't agree that you shouldn't have to supervise children in yr1

You don't work with children, do you?

In a classroom, every single child in the room will have ample opportunity to do this sort of thing several times over during the day because it is simply impossible for one person (two if you're lucky enough to have a Teaching Assistant) to actively supervise every single child at all times.

The reason children at school behave themselves is because they learn and understand the rules and consequences.

Those that don't have the in school equivalent of having their play date cut short (e.g. sent to HT/miss breaktime).

At that age I used to listen out and if it went quiet or a door was shut I knew something was afoot. I listened out more than supervised. I did also used to go up once or twice.

I think you handled this just fine.

OP I think you have handled this brilliantly and if it was one of my kids who had written on a wall, I'd have wanted the playdate to end early - the message sent needs to be robust - it is not acceptable.

Making kids responsible for their friend's behaviour is tricky - it's important they understand not to encourage inappropriate behaviour - I always made that point very clear regarding sleepovers and going to sleep at an acceptable time -I used to warn them "keep me up all night and that will be the end of sleepovers" and I never endured the crap that some parents seem to put up with.

WhT?!?! 5 and this child already knows how to spell rude words?! yanbu.

You handled it fine, I think I would have done the same. The other mum can’t be justified in being cross with you?! I’d think more likely she is just mortified that her child did this